Letters and Transcripts Story - Any thoughts?

[polynices]

I originally submitted this as a Loving Wives story but the editor shifted it to Letters and Transcripts, where it's languished ever since, practically unread.

I would, of course, be very grateful for any reactions, comments, etc. The story's here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=441840

- polynices

 

[Velia]

I would agree: it needs to be in Loving Wives.

I really like the premise - very much, and I never saw the ending coming. That was a lesson for me on how to change directions. I liked that.

However, the dialogue is a bit too choppy for my taste. It seemed to interrupt the mood. (I don't like to be interrupted )

Also, I think you need to definitively set down the POV at the very start. I initially thought it was first-person.

But, keep in mind that my take on your story has to do with my own personal preferences, and I firmly believe you should write the way you want.

I do want to say one more time, I do like the situation. Will you forgive me if I steal it?

 

[polynices]

Thanks Velia. You say:

the dialogue is a bit too choppy for my taste

So maybe the dialogue form is putting people off? (Though very few have actually opened it at all. Bland neutrality has been the dominant (un)response to this piece.)

The thing was an experiment, of course - two voices coming unadorned out of the dark.

On establishing point of view: The descriptive line (I can't remember what Literotica calls it) is: Husband and wife have phone sex. You won't have seen that, coming to the story through the link I posted. I'm not sure how else POV could be indicated in a bare dialogue. Maybe the form is just too uncompromising?

(I'm sorry I interrupted your mood , by the way. I wouldn't want to do that. )

You say:

I do like the situation. Will you forgive me if I steal it?

Please, go ahead. It'll be interesting to see what somebody else does with the idea. If you do write something round it, please let me know.

Regards, and thanks for coming back on this,

- polynices

 

[bronzeage]

T

So maybe the dialogue form is putting people off? (Though very few have actually opened it at all. Bland neutrality has been the dominant (un)response to this piece.)

The thing was an experiment, of course - two voices coming unadorned out of the dark.

I read it all the way through. It would be a very good script for a recorded piece, but without any narrative, the conversation is very bland. There is point when leaving it to the reader's imagination becomes a burden.

 

[Velia]

Thanks Velia. You say:

the dialogue is a bit too choppy for my taste

So maybe the dialogue form is putting people off? (Though very few have actually opened it at all. Bland neutrality has been the dominant (un)response to this piece.)

The thing was an experiment, of course - two voices coming unadorned out of the dark.

On establishing point of view: The descriptive line (I can't remember what Literotica calls it) is: Husband and wife have phone sex. You won't have seen that, coming to the story through the link I posted. I'm not sure how else POV could be indicated in a bare dialogue. Maybe the form is just too uncompromising?

(I'm sorry I interrupted your mood , by the way. I wouldn't want to do that. )

You say:

I do like the situation. Will you forgive me if I steal it?

Please, go ahead. It'll be interesting to see what somebody else does with the idea. If you do write something round it, please let me know.

Regards, and thanks for coming back on this,

- polynices

You could establish the POV like this:

Sara answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello," Jim said. "It's me."

That establishes the POV and you never have to write their names again.

I think this kind of piece can only be done in dialogue. I don't think the fact that it is dialogue is putting people off. I think the category in which it sits is the reason you get so few views. I didn't even know that category exists.

By choppy, I mean there are too many places where the response to a statement is a question followed by another one-word statement. That may happen in real discussion, but it is too busy in written dialogue. As bronzeage said, if it were a script, it would probably work great!

In my opinion, if you clean it up and make it flow more evenly it would be a nice piece. Keep in mind, sometimes adding prose here and there, just a sprinkling, is just what you need to improve flow and color the scene.

I hope this helps!

 

[polynices]

I read it all the way through. It would be a very good script for a recorded piece, but without any narrative, the conversation is very bland. There is point when leaving it to the reader's imagination becomes a burden.

Thanks, bronzeage. It sounds as if bare dialogue is too demanding, then. It might be fun to hear the recording, though. I'm sure the conversation would be perked up considerably with orgasmic gasps and groans inserted at appropriate moments.

- polynices

 

[polynices]

Thanks again, Velia. You say:

I don't think the fact that it is dialogue is putting people off. I think the category in which it sits is the reason you get so few views. I didn't even know that category exists.

That was my feeling too. I really was a bit puzzled when the editor shifted the story from Loving Wives (where, admittedly, I expected howls of abuse) to Letters and Transcripts. Of course, the dialogue form must have suggested the move to him/her but the subject matter seems appropriate for Loving Wives. It does seem pretty clear that almost nobody bothers to look in Letters and Transcripts.

You say:

You could establish the POV like this:

Sara answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello," Jim said. "It's me."

That establishes the POV and you never have to write their names again.

So, like bronzeage, you think the piece needs at least a touch of narrative voice. From what the two of you say, this seems to be the central probem. That's a valuable response. I set out to be uncompromising with the form, but compromise is obviously called for.

I found this interesting too:

By choppy, I mean there are too many places where the response to a statement is a question followed by another one-word statement. That may happen in real discussion, but it is too busy in written dialogue.

Again, this is useful to know. It's certainly something I'll be thinking about. It's interesting that you're calling for less authenticity in the dialogue. I know somebody else who has a similar view.

This all seems to come down to the issue of what demands the writer can reasonably place on the reader. My own feeling, in non-erotic writing at least, is that finding new ways to present stories, and thereby stretching the reader a little by not meeting his/her immediate expectations fully, is somehow a positive. It makes things fresh. But, in the light of what you've both said, I may well be mistaken.

This feedback has been very useful. It's pointed up an issue. Thanks very much again, Velia (and bronzeage).

Regards,

- polynices

 

[moralityloophole]

I liked the format very much. I think I'll troll through that category after all. Dialog-only is an interesting take- honestly I should probably try that since I often screw up tense, person, etc. and have clumsy attributions to boot.

I also just read "Angie's Dirty Game" and it was great.

 

[polynices]

I liked the format very much. I think I'll troll through that category after all. Dialog-only is an interesting take- honestly I should probably try that since I often screw up tense, person, etc. and have clumsy attributions to boot.

I also just read "Angie's Dirty Game" and it was great.

Thanks very much, moralityloophole. (Great name, by the way. It's the business we're all in, isn't it? - Finding one, that is.)

Thanks for the comment at the end of the story as well. It was interesting to hear you were uncomfortable with the rusty scissors, etc. I wonder if they were out of character for her?

I can't answer for the rest of Letters and Transcripts though. I'm afraid I haven't read any either.

I'm glad you liked Angie, too. Part 2 should (finally) be up in a few days.

Regards,

- polynices

 

[moralityloophole]

...Thanks for the comment at the end of the story as well. It was interesting to hear you were uncomfortable with the rusty scissors, etc. I wonder if they were out of character for her?
....

No, not at all- It was an unexpected twist the perfectly set up the ending.

I'm looking forward to your next story.