looking for an editor.

[sombrablanca]

Read and edit post # 60. Short story style. Then go through the rp same way to get the full context of it. Thoughts?

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

Read and edit post # 60. Short story style. Then go through the rp same way to get the full context of it. Thoughts?

We are volunteers. If you want help, you might get a better response if you specify the genre of your story (eg romance, non-consent, incest, gay male, lesbian, etc), the help you feel you need (e.g. grammar only, grammar and continuity, etc.), and its length (in words) as these factors play a large part in a volunteer editor's decision whether to offer help.

As to your message: "post # 60" - where is this, in case anyone actually wants to do the work?

And "go through the rp" takes time and effort.

 

[sombrablanca]

It was supposed to have a link to the thread. lol. I dunno how many words. its 3 lit pages though. here. http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=713070 post # 60 in the thread is what im most interested in. just general opinions and thoughts. how would it do in the context of the story

 

[bronzeage]

It was supposed to have a link to the thread. lol. I dunno how many words. its 3 lit pages though. here. http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=713070 post # 60 in the thread is what im most interested in. just general opinions and thoughts. how would it do in the context of the story

I am not really certain what you are asking. Do you want to use the RP as the plot of a story?
How it would do in the context of a story depends upon the writing. Plots and ideas are easy. The difficulty and the work is in the execution.

Fantasy warrior fiction is a specific genre. The readers expect a certain style. If you can write in this style without duplicating previous stories, people will enjoy it.

 

[sombrablanca]

I dunno. had a person or two say they really like it. that post 60 alone could work as a short story. wanted to see if anyone else agrees. it felt brilliant. no that is not epeen either. normally i tyhnk my writing is ok. but that felt amazing

 

[bronzeage]

I dunno. had a person or two say they really like it. that post 60 alone could work as a short story. wanted to see if anyone else agrees. it felt brilliant. no that is not epeen either. normally i tyhnk my writing is ok. but that felt amazing

As I said, ideas are easy, writing is hard.

Start writing and see where if goes. If you can get a page or two finished, I will be happy to put an editor's eye to it.

 

[sombrablanca]

Printed out post 60 alone is probably a page or more. wwere not done with thread yet either, its just whty is already up I hope to get looked at.

 

[bronzeage]

Printed out post 60 alone is probably a page or more. wwere not done with thread yet either, its just whty is already up I hope to get looked at.

I have looked at it. If you want to use the characters and situations to create a story, go ahead and do it. It could be an engaging tale.

If you are looking for writer to do this for you, there are people who offer this service.

 

[PacoFear]

It was supposed to have a link to the thread. lol. I dunno how many words. its 3 lit pages though. here. http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=713070 post # 60 in the thread is what im most interested in. just general opinions and thoughts. how would it do in the context of the story

I'll bite. Strap in, we're going for a little ride.

Tank sees Ani is no longer there. Where did she go? She said she'd stay with him. What's going on? That is the second Sasha decides to show she isn't a fluke. She comes at him in a blur of steel sword spinning quickly through the air at his head. Too bad she's never fought a battleaxe user.

• Change "second" to "moment" for ease of reading. Your reader's first thought will be that there are two Sashas.
• Comma needed twixt "steel" and "sword."
• How does a sword "spin"? Did she throw it? Perhaps "arcing" would make more sense?
• Painfully inartful, immature sentence in 3,2,1: "Too bad she's never fought a battleaxe user."

He does the same thing as with Ani but this time he is going for the kill. His shaft acts as a momentum changer for the sword. Instead of straight aheah the sword flies in a circle. It cuts off Sasha's head in one slice, sending it skidding 10 feet. Tank stopped paying attention as soon as the blood spouted from her gaping neck. He must find Ani. Where is she? He has a terrible feeling.

• Inartful, immature sentence in 3,2,1: "He does the same thing as with Ani but this time he is going for the kill."
• What pray tell is a "momentum changer"? Do you mean "shield" or perhaps "new fulcrum"? Did he deflect a flying sword? Frankly, you're not doing a very good job of describing the action.

"Rina, Mees, where is she? She can't be alone. She shouldn't even be up! What if a Damngator is around? She couldn't handle a butterfly." He searches the way he thought he saw her go. He finally finds her, over an hour later. She is hardly breathing. Her pulse is so slow.

• Change "way" to "direction" for ease of reading. Your reader's first thought will be that your character is searching in some particular manner.
• Ditch "so."

"No Loki. No. Not this. Have you not tricked me enough? Have I not already paid the full measure of this wager?" Her heart stops, her breathing fading. He starts giving CPR, demanding she not die. "Dont do it. You promised! How can you break your word? You said you'd be with me! How can you give me this hope and then destroy it...? After everything...."

• Her heart stops but her breathing is only "fading"? It would the other way around.
• Is "CPR" known in your fantasy world? Would it be known as CPR?

She seems to be fading away so fast. He seems to feel her essence, feel a slow pulsing as it tries to stay tethered when it seems to have snapped, stretched too thin. She needs life. it is obvious. Hr body is begging for it. What does he have? He doesn't know. He just knows his body is straining to keep her from going, willing her to live. He stretches and stretches trying to keep her from crossing that final barrier.

• You've already said she's fading in the paragraph before.
• Ditch "seems." Everywhere in this story. Seriously. Hurry.
• And you've given us another "so."
• Not sure what to make of "His body is straining to keep her from going... ." You've set this up as an essency-psychic thing so his body would be irrelevent in that context.

"I wont let you damn it! You will not break our pact! You shall not be forsworn damn it." The pulse seems to be so...weak...faint. He just cant quite get there. "Naila you dirty barren hag! Dont you dare do it. She's mine damn it! Give her up!" Rina and mees finally catch up around that point. He screams at them. "Get a fire going now! How could you be so stupid? She shouldnt be up! I don't even have her yet and -I'M LOSING HER! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!"

• You're lazy with the contractions. Wedge some apostrophes in there like us grown-ups do.
• Consult dictionary for definition of "forsworn."
• Nonsensical sentence in 3,2,1: "He just cant quite get there." Get where?
• DO NOT CAPITALIZE OR USE MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS AS A CRUTCH TO CONVEY STRONG EMOTIONS. APPLY SOME CRAFT AS AN AUTHOR!!!!!!!

He is stretching so hard to reach her his mortal coil is coming unraveled. It is tearing. It stretches farther than it should be. It rips free from its mooring. He can finally -MOVE-. He isnt being held back any more. He can get to her easily.He realizes the world seems to go a bit fuzzier, a bit less bright. Everything is a little more twisted and dead. It's worth it he thinks. "If I save her..."

Wow. Just. Wow. Not, uh, not good. I read this as a terribly ill-fated attempt at a dramatic moment. It went downhill almost immediately with your decision (conscious or not) to hijack Shakespeare's "mortal coil."

I pretty much stopped caring right there. Your entire post was exactly 1,400 words. In the 498 words I made it through, I saw neither imagination nor art. Naming your battleaxe warrior "Tank"? Really?

And, for the record, this is the Editor's Forum, where we edit stuff. Your demand/request, such as it was, for feedback actually belonged in the, let's all say it together, Story Feedback section.

But, hey, thanks for stopping in.


-PF

 

[sombrablanca]

Actually you just gave me what I wanted. A critique. And you made editting commentary. Was harsher than I'd hoped, but meh. It was valid.