Do You Know What it Means to Miss New Orleans, Posted by Truman5 6/11/10

[truman5]

I am a relative novice to literotica and this discussion board. Attached is a link to my second story, Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=473043 This is the first of a two part story which has received acceptable scores but no feedback and I'm curious about a number of things: 1) Are the characters interesting and believable; 2) Does the fact that there is not a happy ending detract from the story (the second chapter will be told from her point of view and will likely be even darker); 3) are the sex scenes effective. I'd also be interested in any other reactions you may have to the piece and my writing. Thank you in advance for looking at it.

 

[PacoFear]

Hi truman5,

Thanks for braving the Circle! I read your story and, overall, liked it. You’ve made a serious effort to make this feel realistic. I enjoyed seeing Steven hesitating and misstepping in the way that actual people might. You’ve also clearly taken great pains to set the scene in New Orleans too.

I gave you my $0.02 in response to your questions, below.

1) Are the characters interesting and believable?

Steven
I’m not sure Steven comes off as interesting for me as much as just basically likeable. Not necessarily a bad thing, but he feels a tad like a supporting actor with two story-related chores to perform: a) extol the virtues of New Orleans; and b) fawn over Kathy.

Kathy
I like your Kathy as a concept – the attractive, educated, articulate, conservative gal who decides to cut loose one night. I think the descriptions of her are trying too hard. It reads heavy-handed to me. She’s incredibly beautiful, self-motivated, successful, credentialed, talented, cool, collected, and knowledgeable to the point of omniscience. In short, she feels nearly inhuman to me. Two suggestions on making her feel more relate-able if that's of interest: a) dial back a little on her many virtues (her knowledge of antiques seemed superfluous, likewise what I thought was an odd paragraph reviewing her educational credentials towards the end), and consider having her confess to a vice of some sort. Something small and human and even a bit cute. Steve could accuse her of seeming suspiciously perfect, leading her to admit that, I dunno, she likes to eat chocolate chip cookies in bed.

2) Does the fact that there is not a happy ending detract from the story?

For me? No. I do enjoy a nice Happily Ever After, but I don’t require one. I liked your ending because I think it made sense for your story.

As you may have gathered though, conventional wisdom here on Lit says that the masses crave their HEA, so you may see your votes and feedback dip as compared to your other stories. The two stories of mine that lack the little red H were the only ones that did not deliver the much-preferred HEA.

3) Are the sex scenes effective?

“Effective” is an interesting choice words. Effective in the context of the story? Or effective in achieving the objective that prompts many Lit readers visit this fine website?

For me, your first sex scene felt rushed as compared to the rest of the piece. By that I mean the story doles out hearty servings of description for the characters and their surroundings while the scene where Steven receives his oral favor begins mid-paragraph and lasts just a few sentences. The second scene in the hotel room is a tad longer but Kathy’s professed exhaustion, feigned snoring, and general lack of participation were a turn off for me. To be fair, what you lost in erotic heat I think you gained in realism. I have no trouble at all picturing the hotel sex scene playing out precisely the way it was described.

4) I'd also be interested in any other reactions you may have to the piece and my writing.

Two things tripped me up:

a) You certainly love New Orleans
I had trouble getting through the lengthier endorsements of New Orleans. It left me wondering if you work for their tourism board. To my eye, you could probably lose the entire first paragraph of your story and most of the second one. Consider trimming others like it, e.g., the one where Steve spontaneously reviewed New Orleans’ history.

b) Steve's sudden manner breach
Steve’s decision to tell Kathy the first story felt abrupt and at odds with my developing picture of him. He’s initially distinguished from the boorish masses around him (he's sober, sipping Syrah and savoring etouffe), appreciates Kathy’s finer qualities, and observes the niceties of offering her a chair and introducing himself. But then about a dozen paragraphs after finding out who Kathy is and where she’s from though, he’s blurting out his colleague’s sex story.

You might consider smoothing this out by easing into it with just a few more lines of dialogue. Steve could urge Kathy to go out and enjoy the nightlife, adding that “this city can make you do things you normally wouldn’t even consider.”

“Like what?” she might ask.

“Like anything.”

“For example?”

For Steve, her pressing him in this way would feel like a challenge, one he’d rise to meet. “Okay, well, at my last conference, I met this normally quiet colleague who…”

Just a thought.

One last, and much easier point. Your paragraphs tend to run quite long. Break them up for easier online reading. These days when I’m writing for online posting, my internal caution signal starts beeping at about line four. It better be real necessary for me to keep moving past a fourth line. The eternally helpful Penny no doubt has a link to provide on the subject of online paragraphs. I'll leave that to her.

Let me circle back around to where I started because I got kinda gritty in the middle there. Seriously, overall, you put some honest effort into this and it shows. For me, it’s well above the average “so I hooked up with a girl on a business trip” story. For a third posting it's darn impressive. Well done!

Cheers,

-PF

 

[Dual_Triode]

Truman5,

Hey, I liked your story. I thought it was a good tale, set in a great city, and well told. Thanks for the submission.

Are the characters believable and interesting?

For the most part, yes. I think this romantic tale of unrequited love is told through rose colored glasses. Kathy is way too perfect. I think she could have had some kind of dark secret - this was set in the Big Easy, after all. You opened that avenue when you compared New Orleans to Las Vegas. Steve was pretty believable for someone who has been awestruck by a beautiful woman. I though he was a bit too chivalrous following his unsolicited blow job.


Does the fact that there is not a happy ending detract from the story?

No, I don't think so. Everyone experiences this at one time or another, so I thought it added a touch of realism to the tale.


Are the sex scenes effective?

They were OK. My favorite was BJ #3. It focused more on her acceptance of being a cheap whore and her reaction to his flood of semen. The hotel sex scene could of had more participation from her. She was faking her slumber and surely would have given up the ruse as her orgasm approached. I expected her to be a more willing participant.


Other stuff?

There were some punctuation errors and run-on sentences, but nothing another proof reading couldn't cure. There were a couple of places were a new paragraph would have really helped. In particular, the paragraph about the woman who spent two days boinking the Italians studs. The dialog should have been separated from the narrator's voice. It probably would have been more effective told in Steve's own voice through his dialog.

The overall feeling of the tale was quite romantic. Steve was clearly smitten with Kathy and she was perfect in his eyes.

Thanks for submitting your work. I hope to read another tale.

~Dual

 

[Amontillado]

The dialog should have been separated from the narrator's voice. It probably would have been more effective told in Steve's own voice through his dialog.

That is an excellent suggestion; I was actually thinking that throughout the story. Overall I like your writing style, but I think you could improve substantially by eliminating most of the passages where you use the narrator's voice to describe dialog and instead have your characters speak it.

I'd also recommend cutting some of the exposition out of the beginning and instead have your protagonist reveal some of that info in dialog. His introduction to Kathy gives you a great opportunity to do that.

Not that I didn't like the beginning; as I said, I like your style, I just think you're missing an opportunity to ramp it up a notch. If you describe the opening situation without revealing why Steve is staying at a separate hotel, that creates suspense. It also gives your characters something to talk about. It's still exposition, but it's disguised exposition, and it gives Kathy an opening to connect with Steve, as she will no doubt be receptive to his opinion of drunk business men.


On to your questions.

1. Were the characters believable and interesting?

I don't know what an author would need to do to convince me that an intelligent, professional woman would just up and blow two random guys she encountered in an alley. It might just be me, but that one seems like a tough sell. Maybe too tough.

Besides that, as Paco and Dual Triode said, Kathy is a bit perfect. Not far from being believable though.

I found the protagonist engaging and well-realized. I thought his love of New Orleans was an interesting trait and helped bring the setting out into the plot, though as Paco said, you might want to tone that down a tad and try to blend it into the story in a more organic way.

2. Does the fact that there's not a happy ending detract from the story?

The fact that they don't live happily ever after together didn't bother me. I thought the ending was a refreshing change from the usual.

3. Are the sex scenes effective?

Once inside the room, Steve removed her blazer and, draped it carefully over the desk chair. He then reached down and carefully removed her shoes. After that, he unbuttoned her blouse and removed it placing it upon a hangar, leaving her standing in the middle of the room barefoot in her bra and skirt. Saving the removal of her bra to the end, he unzipped her skirt and slid it down her hips.

You're going with a play-by-play, he did this, then this, then this, kinda style there. Try to break that up by giving her reactions, throwing in some dialog, and adding some descriptions.

She, following him from the center of the room, fell into the bed like a tree falling, the first un-graceful thing he had seen her do all evening. As she lay on the bed on her stomach, struggling to keep her eyes open, he could not resist gently tracing the outline of her body with his finger, starting at her hair and then passing over her check, lightly down her neck and back, over her ass cheeks and down one leg and up the other. After reaching her thigh, he lingered at her ass, outlining the curve of her buttocks and gently touching the crack of her ass. Although she growled "I'm sooo tired," and began to make fake snoring noises, she gradually opened her legs, allowing him access to her pussy. Using the tip of her forefinger, he gently traced the outline of her labia,

You're using a lot of participial phrases there. Take a look at this link:

http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewarticle.asp?AuthorID=105692&id=47904

I had to go back over the story I was working on and edit a bunch of participles out after reading that. Good advice; it does improve your prose.


Overall, I honestly liked your story, and not just because I love New Orleans, though that helps Your description of people hunched over trash cans reminded me of a Spring Break trip to the Big Easy; I think it was drinks from the street vendors that did us in. I'd recommend avoiding those guys

-Amontillado

 

[truman5]

Paco, Dual and Amontillado,
I really want to thank you for the time you spent with the story and for your thoughtful and, I believe, on-point comments and suggestions. I will definitely keep them in mind as I work on the next chapter.
I may be courting disastor with that chapter, but I plan to have that take place from her point of view. It will include her perspective of some of the things that happened in chapter 1 and some new things. I'm hopeful that it will mitigate at least partially some of the most unbelievable parts of Kathy's character.

Thank you all again.

 

[D_K_Moon]

If I had just been reading for enjoyment I would have back clicked before the end of the first paragraph. I would cut the first two paragraphs completely and start the story with the third.

Were this a Literotica story, This line is one of the cheesiest lines I've ever had the misfortune to read.

1. Were the characters likeable/believeable? No, not really. Convenient is how I would describe the two of them.

2. The ending. I thought the ending was fine, it was probably one of the better elements of the story.

3. Are the sex scenes effective? Not particularily, I just didn't find it believable. I harken back to your cheesey line, Were this a Literotica story, it was, and the plot didn't digress at all.

There is nothing to really set your story apart from hundreds of other stories almost exactly like this at Lit. Sorry, I found this piece quite pedestrian at best.

 

[truman5]

DK Moon's Comments

K. Thanks.

 

[D_K_Moon]

K. Thanks.

You've got the mechanics of writing down. Now, write something that no one else has written. Step outside of the box. Work on your plot, in erotic writing, unless you're just trying to write a quick stroke story, the plot is so important. You need to make your readers believe and identify with your characters.

 

[truman5]

Will try.

 

[truman5]

Amontillado,
Thanks so much for your suggestions. Will review the linkyou mentioned.

 

[driphoney]

I've just been reminded why I'll probably never get the nerve up to truck out a chapter of my own. Good on you for stepping up and for being a good sport.

I'm just looking at your story as a reader, and I have to first admit that group sex is not something that appeals to me. It takes a lot for me to buy into a group sex story.

I'll try not to rehash all the same points, though some of those were stumbling blocks for me as well. I also felt the ending was the strongest part of the story, and showed how you really can do this writing thing.

Dialogue. First, let me give you a round of applause for filling your story with it. While it's not necessary for all stories to be dialogue heavy, it was a breath of fresh air to read a story where most of it is moved forward by dialogue. However, I say that with a qualifier. Sometimes there was a lack of it, then other times stiff chunks of it. When writing dialogue (God, I actually sound like I know what I'm talking about and I don't --though dialogue is my one and maybe only strong point as a writer) . . . ahem, where was I? . . . oh yeah, when writing dialogue, keep your character's personality in the forefront of your mind. You have some witty lines of dialogue, and most of it read naturally except when the need to inform overcame you. After finishing a scene, read it back to yourself aloud. Do you stumble? Is it too proper? Too long? Too book report-like? If so, hack and slash. Trust me, it'll actually feel good. Sometimes less is more.

Good luck, and thanks for letting us examine and learn from your story. I'm off to hunt for participial phrases now . . . .

 

[truman5]

Driphoney,
You're so right about dialogue and I so wish I had it down. The keeping the character in mind is absolutely right and something I will continue to work on. One of the things that annoys me a bit about Woody Allen movies is that everyone, regardless of age or gender, sounds like Woody Allen. I'd like to avoid that. In fact, my goal is to achieve a Keatsian "negative capability" in which there is absolutely nothing of myself in any of the stories.
I try, but do not always succeed, in tying to establish character by what the people say rather than by just coming out and saying "she was real graceful." I share your dislike
of dialogue whose clear purpose is to inform and will work hjarder in eliminating it.
Thanks for taking time. Oh, and be careful when hunting participles, they bite.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Truman,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

The quality of your prose is fine- I'd have to really nit-pick to find a technical flaw with your English.

I thought your opening was fine too, you showed me a character in a situation with which I can relate. He doesn't really have a problem though, except being bored, so tension is on the light side. Initially I was interested when Kathy appears, but their conversation didn't exactly hold my attention. Hearing so much about their surroundings didn't help. I wanted to know about them- and not just a wanted poster description of her.

Especially since Kathy initially asks to share his table for the express purpose of not getting hit on, I had a hard time suspending my disbelief when she suddenly wants to have sex with a stranger. Seriously, if that's what she wants, I think she would have just walked right out of that club and found another with prospects in her league. So I didn't see any reason she wanted Steve in the first place and when the ten-dollar blowjob moment came- well, I'm having a hard time imagining something I would have believed less.

This is where reader trust comes into play- if I imagined Kathy's seemingly ridiculous behavior would be explained, I might have read on with increased interest, but I didn't get the feeling this was anything beyond a silly sex story. I skimmed ahead in case I was wrong and maybe she turned out to really be a prostitute hired by some rival firm to trade sex for sales secrets, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

So, it really is just a silly sex story, right?

That's a serious question and not meant to be a criticism at all because it's simply not fair to say your story isn't all that just because it didn't work for me. It all depends on what kind of story you meant to write. If it's meant to be a classic masturbation conveyance, I suspect it's rousing (pun intended) success.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[D_K_Moon]

Hi Truman,


I thought your opening was fine too, you showed me a character in a situation with which I can relate. He doesn't really have a problem though, except being bored, so tension is on the light side. Initially I was interested when Kathy appears, but their conversation didn't exactly hold my attention. Hearing so much about their surroundings didn't help. I wanted to know about them- and not just a wanted poster description of her.


Penny

Hi Penny,

Since I started reading the discussion in this forum regarding the beginning of stories, I've found myself paying much more attention to the opening paragraphs in what I read and with my own writing.

I think a stronger opening could have been made by beginning at the third paragraph, and through conversation bring in necessary elements from the first couple of paragraphs. I think it could make for a stronger start and as a result, improve the overall quality of the two main characters.

 

[truman5]

Penny,
Wow. What a deft (and graceful) evisceration.
But of course, you are correct that success can only be measured relative to the author's goal in writing it. Given the way you frame the question and the response of you and others, the story was an abject failure.

Some background that demonstrates the breadth of the failure. The story was inspired by a letter to an advice columnist from a married woman who wanted Ann Landers or Dear Abby to tell her whether she had to confess to her husband what she had done while at a conference. The substance was substantially the same as the experience of the co-worker that Steve described. I found it fascinating because I imagined the writer of the letter to be a conservative, church-going, PTA member woman doing something completely over the top that neither she nor anyone who ever met her would dream she could do. I think that what is most interesting about people is that they are incredibly unpredictable and can, under the right circumstances, do things which are entirely uncharacteristic of them. The story was my unsuccessful attempt to explore that. What went on in the alley was intended to be over the top and the challenge was to try to come up with some explanation for why something so unlikely would happen. Obviously, I didn't meet that challenge.
This was always intended to be a two part piece. I have the second part laid out in my mind, although I'm not completely sure now whether it's worth the effort of putting it down. But the plan was for her to relive the evening in her mind and to try to sort out how such an extreme thing could happen. Ultimately, the story would end with her realizing that Steve actually meant a lot to her and almost being given a second chance for them to get together. But because of bad timing and a mistake in perception, they end up never re-uniting or even realizing that the other shared their feelings.
Long post after taking up so much of your time already. But I do really appreciate your input and will try to use it to improve future pieces.

 

[Penelope Street]

I like your Kathy as a concept – the attractive, educated, articulate, conservative gal who decides to cut loose one night.

"What happens in the bayou stays in the bayou" is a fine theme to explore. Especially if it might not stay.

In particular, the paragraph about the woman who spent two days boinking the Italians studs.

That is a clunky paragraph- and all the more noteworthy now that we know the story's inspiration.

I don't know what an author would need to do to convince me that an intelligent, professional woman would just up and blow two random guys she encountered in an alley. It might just be me, but that one seems like a tough sell.

It's not just you.

You're using a lot of participial phrases there.

Interesting. I didn't even notice these, perhaps because I'm guilty too? If you have had any more links on the subject, please do share!

First, let me give you a round of applause for filling your story with it. While it's not necessary for all stories to be dialogue heavy, it was a breath of fresh air to read a story where most of it is moved forward by dialogue. However, I say that with a qualifier. Sometimes there was a lack of it, then other times stiff chunks of it.

I also enjoyed the conversation when it was crisp and realistic, but thought it really dragged when the dialogue turned into monologue.

Now, write something that no one else has written.

This is a challenge for a veteran, let alone a novice. I think Truman attempted to examine an intriguing situation, which makes his story more interesting to me now than when I imagined it to be just so much wank fodder.

I think a stronger opening could have been made by beginning at the third paragraph, and through conversation bring in necessary elements from the first couple of paragraphs. I think it could make for a stronger start and as a result, improve the overall quality of the two main characters.

We've touched upon this issue a few times recently- how often a story is better if, after it's finished, the author simply removes the first paragraph or two.

Given the way you frame the question and the response of you and others, the story was an abject failure.

Some background that demonstrates the breadth of the failure. The story was inspired by a letter to an advice columnist from a married woman who wanted Ann Landers or Dear Abby to tell her whether she had to confess to her husband what she had done while at a conference. The substance was substantially the same as the experience of the co-worker that Steve described. I found it fascinating because I imagined the writer of the letter to be a conservative, church-going, PTA member woman doing something completely over the top that neither she nor anyone who ever met her would dream she could do. I think that what is most interesting about people is that they are incredibly unpredictable and can, under the right circumstances, do things which are entirely uncharacteristic of them. The story was my unsuccessful attempt to explore that. What went on in the alley was intended to be over the top and the challenge was to try to come up with some explanation for why something so unlikely would happen. Obviously, I didn't meet that challenge.

In that case, thanks so much for being eviscerated with such grace!

I've seen this before- an author explores a bizarre event that actually happened, but the story ends up being unbelievable. Why? Part of it is something that I've heard attributed to Twain: "Of course truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

So when we decide to explore a theme from a bizarre real-life event, we already have our work cut out for us. On top of that, I think there's a tendency to relax a bit and not focus so much on realism- because we know it actually happened and naturally expect the reader will have no trouble believing it too.

Of course, you didn't quite explore the extraordinary real-life situation you read about, did you? Kathy hooking up with a pair of exotic hunks would be a lot easier to believe.

Long post after taking up so much of your time already.

No need to fret about taking so much of anyone else's time. It's not like anyone is forced to be here. Plus, for me anyway, your story is more interesting now that I have a better understanding of what wanted it to be.

I think you erred with a pair of major decisions.

The first is what almost all of us already pointed out: Kathy is flawless. It's not just that's she's gorgeous- because gorgeous women do exist and they can sure seem flawless. It's just that these women don't often wander into hotel clubs on a whim and settle for the likes of Steve and two anonymous scumbags. I'd have believed this a lot more if Kathy was a ho-hum thirty-something out to see if she still has it. Or maybe to see if she ever had it?

The second, whether she's flawless or not, is I think you should have explored the situation from her perspective. She's the one cutting loose and taking risks; it's really her story, isn't it? Sure, he gets hurt a little, but that can be explored from her side too. Plus, her motivation- the crux of my disbelief- would be so much easier to reveal. It seems like you realized this was an issue and intended to address it in part two, but I don't see why the first part shouldn't have been told by Kathy too.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Penny,
Wow. What a deft (and graceful) evisceration.
But of course, you are correct that success can only be measured relative to the author's goal in writing it. Given the way you frame the question and the response of you and others, the story was an abject failure.

Some background that demonstrates the breadth of the failure. The story was inspired by a letter to an advice columnist from a married woman who wanted Ann Landers or Dear Abby to tell her whether she had to confess to her husband what she had done while at a conference. The substance was substantially the same as the experience of the co-worker that Steve described. I found it fascinating because I imagined the writer of the letter to be a conservative, church-going, PTA member woman doing something completely over the top that neither she nor anyone who ever met her would dream she could do. I think that what is most interesting about people is that they are incredibly unpredictable and can, under the right circumstances, do things which are entirely uncharacteristic of them. The story was my unsuccessful attempt to explore that. What went on in the alley was intended to be over the top and the challenge was to try to come up with some explanation for why something so unlikely would happen. Obviously, I didn't meet that challenge.
This was always intended to be a two part piece. I have the second part laid out in my mind, although I'm not completely sure now whether it's worth the effort of putting it down. But the plan was for her to relive the evening in her mind and to try to sort out how such an extreme thing could happen. Ultimately, the story would end with her realizing that Steve actually meant a lot to her and almost being given a second chance for them to get together. But because of bad timing and a mistake in perception, they end up never re-uniting or even realizing that the other shared their feelings.
Long post after taking up so much of your time already. But I do really appreciate your input and will try to use it to improve future pieces.

Truman,

This is what was missing from your story, the concept of that letter would have made a much more interesting story. I think the problem we all had was there was no motovation for her actions, you didn't answer the basic question of why?

I disagree, your story is not an abject failure. We are discussing it, there's success in that. I imagine that a lot of people will enjoy this tale as a fantasy. Your writing was very good. There's more positives in your story than negatives, and as far as taking up our time, it was that or mow the grass...

 

[kaithel]

Just in support of the earlier post, I like this discussion of participial/gerund phrases:

http://www.mcrw.com/lovenotes/participialphrases.htm

 

[driphoney]

Just in support of the earlier post, I like this discussion of participial/gerund phrases:

http://www.mcrw.com/lovenotes/participialphrases.htm

After reading all about adverbs and now this, I'm pretty sure I should pack it in and go back to thumb twiddling!

 

[D_K_Moon]

After reading all about adverbs and now this, I'm pretty sure I should pack it in and go back to thumb twiddling!

I think I'm in the same boat. If I lose all of my "ing" and "ly" words, Im gonna be left with this.

It was a dark and stormy night.

The End

 

[Amontillado]

Especially since Kathy initially asks to share his table for the express purpose of not getting hit on, I had a hard time suspending my disbelief when she suddenly wants to have sex with a stranger.

I hesitated over that too; but I've known girls to come up with excuses to talk to a guy in order to avoid appearing to hit on him, even if that's really what they want to do, so I figured that's what was going on there. Perhaps she'd been giving him eyes, waiting for him to look her way and smile, but found him oblivious. At that point she'd either have to take the initiative or spend the night fending off the rowdy drunks.

I don't know if that's what truman intended though, and you do have to read between the lines to get that out of the story.

If you have had any more links on the subject, please do share!

Here's another one:

http://writeabetternovel.net/dependent-clauses-break/

I've lost the link, but I once read another good article on participial phrases that went into more detail about using them to show multiple things happening at once. The gist of it was that it's often better to write out events in sequence rather than trying to portray everything as going on at the same time. If you describe events when they begin rather than describing things that are in the process of happening, the scene flows better. The reader imagines the action as it changes, rather than being confronted with disjointed images of things that are going on.

-Amontillado

 

[Penelope Street]

... it was that or mow the grass...

That's what the neighbor's teenagers are for!


kaithel & Amontillado, thanks for the links. I tend to use these to describe simultaneous action and to provide a little variety when it comes to sentence structure. It's good to know this can confuse some readers.

I hesitated over that too; but I've known girls to come up with excuses to talk to a guy in order to avoid appearing to hit on him, even if that's really what they want to do, so I figured that's what was going on there. Perhaps she'd been giving him eyes, waiting for him to look her way and smile, but found him oblivious. At that point she'd either have to take the initiative or spend the night fending off the rowdy drunks.

You're right, I can see Kathy being attracted to Steve, but not want to be seen as the one who makes the first move. Yet if she's really concerned with such social subtleties, is she really the type of woman who'll be on her knees an hour later fellating two men whose names she doesn't even know?

And I just used another "ing" verb, go figure!

 

[Amontillado]

You're right, I can see Kathy being attracted to Steve, but not want to be seen as the one who makes the first move. Yet if she's really concerned with such social subtleties, is she really the type of woman who'll be on her knees an hour later fellating two men whose names she doesn't even know?

I daresay she wouldn't; at that point in the story the part of my mind that enjoys analyzing characters and gathering clues about their personalities promptly imploded. "What the hell are you doing, Kathy!" I cried, bewildered. "You--oh my god, you stop that right now! You're ruining my suspension of disbelief!"

And I just used another "ing" verb, go figure!

The gist of the advice I've read on present participles is that they're not anywhere near as bad as the dreaded -ly adverbs, and even have their proper place in respectable prose. I cringe to think of avoiding them entirely, and as for trying not to use them in posts, well, you can see how well I'm doing at that

-Amontillado

 

[D_K_Moon]

Truman, now that the bleeding has subsided, what would you do differently if you were to rewrite this story?

 

[truman5]

Ah, a second chance. I think the advice I've received has been very good and would try to make changes to address most of the issues raised.
1) Instead of gradually establishing character over two chapters I would frontload it so that the protagonists would be more fully realized at an earlier stage. First, Steve, who got relatively little attention in the story would get more attention. I would reveal earlier that he is a recently divorced father of a daughter of whom he lost custody in a messy divorce. Kathy would also get more detailed attention. I'd try to tone down her perfection more, I actually intended that her physical beauty be understated and quiet, not "gorgeous". My fault for overstating. I would also reveal her flaw which is an obsession with her work and perfectionism. I would say earlier than the second chapter that she came from an extremely disadvantaged childhood in which she acted as a de facto parent and that, as a result, became a person whose work subsumed the rest of her life. Prior to going to New Orleans, she would have started to have reservations about whether her life was progressing the way she wanted, particularly after overhearing her colleagues describe her as a passionless work machine.
2) I would spend more time developing the discussion of outrageous sexual behavior and the license given by being in New Orleans along the lines suggested by Paco Fear.
3) I would have told more of the story from her point of view to try to explain how things progressed incrementally which means demonstrating that her behavior is as much of a response to her sense that her life is somewhat empty despite her prior achievements as it is to what is going on in the hotel bar. I would also try to ramp up Steven's appeal by showing him to be a wittier, easygoing, decent guy. I did not intend for the reader to think that he is a com[plete cipher who ended up scoring completely out of his league.
I would concentrate on how her thinking proceeded in stages. How the initial decision that she would be willing to have a one-night stand with these guy who was fundamentally sweet guy was a huge step for her. That she further surprised herself by engaging in a public sex act, but one which seemed safe because of the relative isolation (who amoung us has not misbehaved in a car parked in some lonely spot). The final step is obviously the big one which strains credibility the most. I would try to convey a sense of her being caught up in the excitement of behaving in a completely uncharacteristic way, of being first shocked and then excited by the fact she was being perceived as a cheap whore and, finally, recognizing that she would never be in a situation like this again and taking the leap. Don't know if I could pull it off, but that would be the challenge.
4) The other thing I would do is to stress a little more what Dual Triode pointed out, and that the story was meant to be a love story. A perverse and unbelievable one, perhaps, but still a love story at heart.
5) Finally, would pay very close attention to the advice about paring down exposition and tight editing.

This has been an extraordinarily helpful exercise for me and I am really indebted to each and every one of you for your suggestions. I think even in those instances when I didn't fully agree (and those were rare), I found something of value. Thanks again.