New to the forum and to the lifestyle

[LustForHer]

Hello everyone, as stated above, I am new to the BDSM lifestyle. I am only 18 and I have been in a very good, very solid relationship for almost 3 years now (also my girl and I are the only people we have ever dated). My girlfriend is very submissive and I am rather dominant. We are in a non-sexual relationship and both would like to keep it that way till we are married (though we crave it so incredibly bad). We both love the idea of BDSM and can't wait to get into it. In a few years we plan to get married. I am hoping to get some insight on how I can grow into being a good dom for when we finally do get married.

 

[Claire73]

Maybe the whole "SEX" thing will take enough time to explore when you are ready...come back in oh....10 years or so?

I didn't mean that in a bad way...but I did mean that.

 

[CutieMouse]

Welcome to the forum.

There are a million and ten ways to engage in a power based relationship - with, or without including sex. If y'all are more comfortable waiting until marriage to have sex, maybe you could take the time between now and then to deepen other aspects of your relationship, establish really healthy communication dynamics, and/or focus on more of a service sort of BDSM relationship... just because you aren't having sex, doesn't mean you can't have a relationship based on a power exchange.

The people around here are usually pretty good about answering questions (although the answers might not always be the ones you'd hoped to hear) - so I'd encourage you to ask questions or start threads on whatever is on your mind.

 

[LustForHer]

I figured someone would say something like that. I'm aware of how I must sound but none the less I am still curios.

 

[LustForHer]

Welcome to the forum.

There are a million and ten ways to engage in a power based relationship - with, or without including sex. If y'all are more comfortable waiting until marriage to have sex, maybe you could take the time between now and then to deepen other aspects of your relationship, establish really healthy communication dynamics, and/or focus on more of a service sort of BDSM relationship... just because you aren't having sex, doesn't mean you can't have a relationship based on a power exchange.

The people around here are usually pretty good about answering questions (although the answers might not always be the ones you'd hoped to hear) - so I'd encourage you to ask questions or start threads on whatever is on your mind.

Thanks, I plan to do so =]

 

[MisterSir]

We are in a non-sexual relationship and both would like to keep it that way till we are married (though we crave it so incredibly bad).

You poor bastard. Please tell me you've at least set a date for the wedding.

Alright. You probably wouldn't have got here and together for this length of time without being sure she's submissive, you're dominant and the two of you want to be that way with one another. Do you want a 24/7 relationship or are you intending to keep your D/s play to the bedroom? If the former, we've got more to play with because you can extend your dominance to cover formerly vanilla activities - bathroom use control, f'rinstance, or taking away various privileges for bad behaviour.

 

[LustForHer]

You poor bastard. Please tell me you've at least set a date for the wedding.

Alright. You probably wouldn't have got here and together for this length of time without being sure she's submissive, you're dominant and the two of you want to be that way with one another. Do you want a 24/7 relationship or are you intending to keep your D/s play to the bedroom? If the former, we've got more to play with because you can extend your dominance to cover formerly vanilla activities - bathroom use control, f'rinstance, or taking away various privileges for bad behaviour.

Yes I'm sure shes submissive, we are going to go into a bedroom D/s relationship and currently we only have a the year we are going to get married (exact date will be set later) I want her to complete college before we take on something as big as marriage.

 

[sb2009]

1. Welcome - this is a great place to find out lots of things.

2. Putting off sex until marriage is fine, if that's what you want to do, but just a quite note on that - it is no magic forumla for a long lasting happy marriage. Really. So if you are waiting for marriage because you have heard that pre-marital sex will make your marrial weaker, etc, that's a load of bull.

3. I know I sound like a total harsh woman, but I cringe cringe cringe when I think of going into a marriage and all that entails with no idea if you are sexually compatable with the other person.

 

[Etoile]

3. I know I sound like a total harsh woman, but I cringe cringe cringe when I think of going into a marriage and all that entails with no idea if you are sexually compatable with the other person.

Total aside from BDSM, but I think you have to live together first, too. What if the other person has some horrible habit you can't stand and you don't find out until later?

 

[fuckmeat]

3. I know I sound like a total harsh woman, but I cringe cringe cringe when I think of going into a marriage and all that entails with no idea if you are sexually compatable with the other person.

Yeah but even if they are, they're not going to know any different. I also don't think we should be advocating sex when this guy has made it clear it's not going to happen. Then they'll start their marriage with a whole load or religious guilt, or even fail to start it at all.

You can make it more of a mental thing by focusing on non-sexual aspects such as control, service, punishment and reward etc. Mentally cast yourself as a strict but caring authority figure. Also, think about how you want the marriage to be and start working towards that. What house rules do you see yourself having when you do marry? Think of it as training her into your dream housewife and let your imagination do the rest.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Total aside from BDSM, but I think you have to live together first, too. What if the other person has some horrible habit you can't stand and you don't find out until later?

I know, and I tend to go the same way as you Etoile, but a friend recently married someone with whom he has yet to spend more than 3 weeks at a time with.

So I asked him that question.

And he knows it's going to be difficult, but he thinks that the foundation of marriage will get them through anything that might possibly drive a 'dating' couple apart.

I'm really hoping he's right.

 

[LustForHer]

@ sb2009 - I actually have never heard that pre-marital sex will make your marriage weaker, the reason we are waiting is because we are both strong Christians (not sure how weird that sounds for a Christian to want to start a D/s lifestyle)

@ Etoile - We almost live together already and yes there have been those annoying habits that are hard to overlook, but we tend to somehow make it. I dont know if this will help with the matter at hand but when I said "non-sexual relationship" in my first post, I didnt mean we don't do anything sexual, I let her suck my cock and I eat her out, but we only want to save the actual physical act of sex for when we are married because it is something special to us and we know we will be together for the rest of our lives.

@ fuckmeat - I agree with you, we really wont know any better, as far as we are concerned she is the best girl I will have ever done and I am the best guy she will have ever had in her.
That was actually the main thing I was looking to find out is how to strengthen my mental relationship with her, as you said "Mentally cast yourself as a strict but caring authority figure." Very well put. =]

 

[Black_Bunny]

I personally find even the non-sexual aspects of dominance to be a huge turn-on, thus when around my Dominant I am usually in a constant, worked-up state of arousal. So given that you want to wait for marriage before penetrative sex, I'd say that's kind of mean to get her all worked up like that (and maybe yourself too) with little release.

I waited until marriage because I'm Christian too, and married my first boyfriend, however I was taught that even oral sex was 'against the rules', and being engaged for four years of course things 'happened' - I wound up with a huge amount of guilt, a sexual dysfunction preventing me from having penetrative sex, and a sexually-incompatible husband. Only now, a year and a half after my husband left me, am I truly discovering my sexual self, the freedom and joys to be had within sex, and the ways I can feel comfortable doing this while still being Christian.

So, what I'm saying is, it's great that you have a solid relationship with your girlfriend, don't stuff it up now. Please.

 

[Etoile]

I know, and I tend to go the same way as you Etoile, but a friend recently married someone with whom he has yet to spend more than 3 weeks at a time with.

So I asked him that question.

And he knows it's going to be difficult, but he thinks that the foundation of marriage will get them through anything that might possibly drive a 'dating' couple apart.

I'm really hoping he's right.

For both their sakes, I hope so too. I sharply question the idea of the "foundation of marriage" in this day and age, but I hope they are happy together.

 

[Etoile]

(not sure how weird that sounds for a Christian to want to start a D/s lifestyle)

@ Etoile - We almost live together already and yes there have been those annoying habits that are hard to overlook, but we tend to somehow make it. I dont know if this will help with the matter at hand but when I said "non-sexual relationship" in my first post, I didnt mean we don't do anything sexual, I let her suck my cock and I eat her out, but we only want to save the actual physical act of sex for when we are married because it is something special to us and we know we will be together for the rest of our lives.

It's totally not weird at all. Lots of D/s people are Christians.

And I have no problem at all with you guys saving intercourse for marriage. As long as you guys have thought it through - which you obviously have - then go for it!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

For both their sakes, I hope so too. I sharply question the idea of the "foundation of marriage" in this day and age, but I hope they are happy together.

I think it's a risky proposition myself. Having not been married or anything, all I can think is that they're going to see it as a binding thing, and fall back on that to resolve issues rather than walk away. If it works out, then that's a good thing to have, but if it doesn't, and they're clinging to that despite being unhappy, then yeah, no good.

I really hope it works out. I do. But I'm also quietly grateful that she's coming here, rather than he going OS to be with her. If it doesn't work out, I want him to be home, with the support. I don't know her, I'm not emotionally involved with her, so I'm not fussed if she doesn't have that. I'm awful.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

To the OP:

Ok, you've said bedroom only for now... what sort of things interest you? Pain? Bondage? Sensation play? Other things?

Also, I found this blog when I was randomly poking around for 1950s household stuff, the woman is a Christian who incorporates bdsm into her life. There coould be some good stuff there for you?

 

[Etoile]

I think it's a risky proposition myself. Having not been married or anything, all I can think is that they're going to see it as a binding thing, and fall back on that to resolve issues rather than walk away. If it works out, then that's a good thing to have, but if it doesn't, and they're clinging to that despite being unhappy, then yeah, no good.

I really hope it works out. I do. But I'm also quietly grateful that she's coming here, rather than he going OS to be with her. If it doesn't work out, I want him to be home, with the support. I don't know her, I'm not emotionally involved with her, so I'm not fussed if she doesn't have that. I'm awful.

Nah, you're just looking out for your friend, and the woman's friends are probably looking out for her.

I didn't realize this was an overseas thing. Wow.

oh hey, this was my 14,000th post

 

[Etoile]

To the OP:

Ok, you've said bedroom only for now... what sort of things interest you? Pain? Bondage? Sensation play? Other things?

Also, I found this blog when I was randomly poking around for 1950s household stuff, the woman is a Christian who incorporates bdsm into her life. There coould be some good stuff there for you?

Oh man, and I had things to do tonight...but now...
http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.com/search/label/BDSM and the Bible
http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.com/search/label/CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline)
and that will lead me places...

 

[LustForHer]

@ Black_Bunny - I agree that what I do to her is rather mean, but she has told me herself that even though I limit what we do she finds it to be a turn on and she loves that she has to exhibit such restraint sometimes.
I cant imagine my girl and I having the same problems you did but then again I am sure you said the same thing before you got married so I guess all I can say is I hope the same wont happen for me. Thank you for your thoughts.

@ Lizzie_Borden - Currently I am interested in everything I have heard about except things like golden showers and female dominance (my onions may change but currently I don't find them pleasing at all) I also am not fond of the idea of anal so that could put a damper on a lot of things but I don't know. Any thoughts? And by the way thanks for the blog link, I am glad to see other Christians are into this lifestyle =]

@ Etoile - Thanks for the links =]

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

@ Black_Bunny - I agree that what I do to her is rather mean, but she has told me herself that even though I limit what we do she finds it to be a turn on and she loves that she has to exhibit such restraint sometimes.
I cant imagine my girl and I having the same problems you did but then again I am sure you said the same thing before you got married so I guess all I can say is I hope the same wont happen for me. Thank you for your thoughts.

@ Lizzie_Borden - Currently I am interested in everything I have heard about except things like golden showers and female dominance (my onions may change but currently I don't find them pleasing at all) I also am not fond of the idea of anal so that could put a damper on a lot of things but I don't know. Any thoughts? And by the way thanks for the blog link, I am glad to see other Christians are into this lifestyle =]

@ Etoile - Thanks for the links =]

Bold = typo win of the year!

Not liking anal or golden showers isn't a problem, you don't have to try everything. I'll have a further think on it, cos I need to try and separate the play out from the sex in my head, which is proving to be harder than I thought.

And as to that blog, I thought it might help you reconcile the D/s and christian elements a bit, so you *do* realise you're not a weirdo.

 

[LustForHer]

Bold = typo win of the year!

Heh, my bad with that typo XD. Haha yes I do now realize I'm not a weirdo, thanks for that.

 

[sb2009]

wait, just by being virgins before marriage, people won't know if they are sexually compatible or not? Sorry, don't buy it. Lots and lots of people are unhappy with thier marriage because of sexual issues even if they were married as virgins.

I'm not saying they are wrong for abstaining. I'm saying that many religions tout virginity as the way to have a pure marriage, and the only power that has is what someone gives it. Being marrieed to someone that you find you really don't like at all won't be made any better by the fact that your wedding night was your first time.

And anyway, he's talked about "getting her worked up" so really...is sex only penetration? If Christianity calls for being a virgin, it means sexual activity, not tight hymen. She may not even have a hymen at this point, with active lifestyles and all.

 

[LustForHer]

wait, just by being virgins before marriage, people won't know if they are sexually compatible or not? Sorry, don't buy it. Lots and lots of people are unhappy with thier marriage because of sexual issues even if they were married as virgins.

I'm not saying they are wrong for abstaining. I'm saying that many religions tout virginity as the way to have a pure marriage, and the only power that has is what someone gives it. Being marrieed to someone that you find you really don't like at all won't be made any better by the fact that your wedding night was your first time.

And anyway, he's talked about "getting her worked up" so really...is sex only penetration? If Christianity calls for being a virgin, it means sexual activity, not tight hymen. She may not even have a hymen at this point, with active lifestyles and all.

I get what your saying and it really made me think. Yes she probably doesn't have a tight hymen anymore considering I have used 4 fingers several times. There is a mental difference between something like a finger and a dick in my opinion. Honestly I don't think I could live without any sexual activity at all in my life since I have started dating my girl. Also I am aware of the risk that we may not even be sexually compatible at all, but my relationship with her goes deeper than that. I want to spend the rest of my life with her even if her vagina fell out and it was physically impossible for us to have sex.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I get what your saying and it really made me think. Yes she probably doesn't have a tight hymen anymore considering I have used 4 fingers several times. There is a mental difference between something like a finger and a dick in my opinion. Honestly I don't think I could live without any sexual activity at all in my life since I have started dating my girl. Also I am aware of the risk that we may not even be sexually compatible at all, but my relationship with her goes deeper than that. I want to spend the rest of my life with her even if her vagina fell out and it was physically impossible for us to have sex.

BIG props to you, man.