Whiny submissive

[Bette_coquette]

My submissive has become very whiny, demanding and clingy lately. He's driving me nuts! Today it got to the point where he pissed me off and I snapped at him, calling him a whiny little bitch. Rather than seeming humbled, I swear he got off on it. It think he's manipulating me into more humiliation and I'm not sure I want to give it to him.

I've been terribly busy and don't have the time to spend with him that he'd like. We don't live together so it never occurred to me to give him daily tasks. What I came up with was to have him bring me something interesting on the days he sees me, which is about 4 days a week. Those interesting things can't cost money. I suggested things like magazine articles, pressed flowers, interesting stones or bird feathers found along the path, recipes I'd like, etcetera.

He doesn't cook. Well, he does, but it's the usual Neanderthal ritual of throwing something dead on the grill and calling his work done. I told him he had to cook me a full meal, including side dishes. I told him he ran the risk that I might dump his all his hard work in the trash if it tasted like crap.

These simple things seemed to have completely lifted him out of his whininess. He's animated, digging through recipe sites, carefully scoping out his surroundings for interesting items I might like.

Interested people, do you find merit in these simple things I'm asking of him? He loves humiliation, loves it, and I fear I haven't had the time to properly address this with him. I've changed his name to Whiny Little Bitch and he's to sign all correspondence to me with his new initials. He doesn't know it, but I'm going to take a bite of each component of his meal for me and toss it and tell him to try again next weekend. He so damned FOCUSED when I give him tasks and if I get lax in this he starts this clinginess.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Experiences? I'd love to hear from both sides of the equation.

 

[Kikori]

... Is it just me, or did you answer your own question?

He went from whiny and trying to force himself on you to being happy to have something to do for you once given a task that required his concentration to get right for you. If that's 'manipulation', then I'd hate to see what the word is for the people who describe their lives as "dom(me)s" being run entirely by people topping from the bottom.

Just sounds to be like he really enjoys serving & being with you, and just as much enjoys being turned shown quite strictly when he does wrong. If he were intentionally failing everything just to be punished, that's a different story.

 

[Bette_coquette]

Thanks for the reply, Kikori. I've been thinking of this all evening. I realized that what was once 4 nights a week that we'd be together is down to about once a week. I'm so damned busy all the time.

He's at darts tonight and I texted him and told him he's to come by here before he goes home. I think he just misses me.

 

[Netzach]

Do you enjoy the tasks or do you feel like it's a task from him to task him?

 

[Bette_coquette]

Do you enjoy the tasks or do you feel like it's a task from him to task him?

I love being creative with the tasks. I'm trying to find a balance between not enough and too many. I'm not sure yet what that is. I think I let too long go between challenges and he rebelled a little bit.

He's in management, is extremely intelligent, and loves to take on a lot on the job. I'm finding this is also how he is in our relationship. I need to stay on my toes with him.

 

[Netzach]

I love being creative with the tasks. I'm trying to find a balance between not enough and too many. I'm not sure yet what that is. I think I let too long go between challenges and he rebelled a little bit.

He's in management, is extremely intelligent, and loves to take on a lot on the job. I'm finding this is also how he is in our relationship. I need to stay on my toes with him.

If it's fun for you then fun it up and enjoy.

Not enough is not enough for you. Too many is too many for you. Don't let the tail wag the dog.

If it starts to feel like unpaid management labor on YOUR part then you are not having fun and it's talk time.

If he acts out every time he's not busy and doesn't know how to chill in the absence of attention, then it's talk time.

The fantasy of submission is a never-ending parade of task and service opportunity. The reality is that my batteries need to go in the charger and so do most people's.

 

[FungiUg]

I had to deal with someone who was whiney last year, and let's just say I didn't make out too well on the deal. Basically if someone can't own up and tell me what they want up-front, they can walk.

So I can't say I have any recommendations, other than I can tell you how not to react.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I think he just misses me.

I think that can be a goodly sized part of it.

Some breeds of submissive, need a lot of constant reassurance, and contact. And yes, I know that's 'needing attention' but we need attention so we can pay you attention!

I know, myself, I don't get terribly whiny if the visit rate drops off, because life gets in the way. I get super pouty though, if I don't get a response my daily email.

Tasks when you're not together is a good way to go. It gives that sense of control and contact.

 

[fuckmeat]

I can relate to this in a lot of ways.

To my mind, there are subs who want and need rewarding for effort. If they've spent all day working hard on some task, they need to know they're still loved and appreciated if it doesn't come out quite right. If it does all come out right, they want and need praise and head patting.

Then there are twisted little souls like me and possibly like your guy.

Reward for effort is hollow for me. If I get patted on the head for everything I attempt, it's boring because I can anticipate the response. I also feel like I'm being treated in way I don't deserve. I like being rewarded if I've genuinely performed well but I don't need to be rewarded. If I present a mouth watering meal of things I know you like to eat, seeing it all go into the trash will be hot, but if it was really the best I could do, some of my self esteem will go into the trash with it. Seeing part of it go into the trash could be interesting. Get him to choose wine too, that's nastily difficult.

Dominants often feel they need to choose between praise and harsh criticism but the absence of either can be very powerful. If you were to eat that meal with your sub watching every move you made, anxious to see if you liked it, you keeping your expression neutral and then abruptly changing the subject when you're done, without commenting on the meal, that can be very hot. Your sub then gets to fuck with his own head while you get on with your life. Did she like it? Did she hate it? Was it merely adequate? Was she being deliberately kind or cruel in refusing to comment? When your guy next cooks for you, he will still be wondering what you really thought of the last meal. He'll torture himself far more effectively than you ever could, which I'm willing to bet will make him really put effort in.

It's nice to have particularly efficient or thoughtful acts of serviced noticed but I don't need that because my mindset is more slaveish that subbish. I don't consider praise and rewards to be my right, they are a privilege given at my Mistress's discretion. It will push your guy's humiliation buttons if you're capricious and unpredictable, moving the goalposts to set him up for failure occasionally and making it clear that even if he's done brilliantly, he shouldn't expect praise and rewards as a matter of course. You are the one in the driving seat here and he shouldn't be able to anticipate your praise or criticism too easily.

Your guy sounds like he's leaning towards a slavelike mentality, which is something you should consider and discuss, because it may not ultimately be what you want in a submissive.

 

[Bette_coquette]

fuckmeat, I really like the "no comment" idea on dinner. Thanks to all for your comments. I do think he'd love for this to be 24/7 and there's no way I want that in the next year or two. Life is just getting in the way.

 

[Adakgirl]

Today it got to the point where he pissed me off and I snapped at him, calling him a whiny little bitch. Rather than seeming humbled, I swear he got off on it.

Correct, he got off on it because he got some attention from you, getting snapped at by you is better than getting barely any attention at all. Adjusting himself from being with you four times a week, to only being with you one day a week, must be pretty difficult for him. And whats worse is... I bet he knows that your so busy all the time, you didn't even realize it's down to once a week now.

He has a deep need to serve you, to have opportunities to please you, he wants to do things that will cause you to be proud of him, and so you'll stay happy that he's your submissive. Because that's what makes him happy, that's what fulfills him, that's what it's about. He's intelligent, active, he feels comfortable with a lot on his plate.

Here's a few suggestions from a person who has never lived in r/l as a submissive. (this is not a disclaimer, it's a claimer)

You say your always so busy, is there any way he can take on some of your burden? Doing your grocery shopping perhaps?
(wearing scanty clothing or a butt plug, buying lube and condoms with the food?) Cleaning your car, washing your laundry, cleaning your home naked, taking care of your outside chores? (if any). Not only have him cook, but why not paint the kitchen or scrub the floor on his knees wearing an apron? Grow cooking herbs in little flower pots to use when he cooks for you?

Are there any small jobs he can perform for you that would ease your professional workload?
Everybody needs a boyfriday right? errands? Keeping things organized, packing for your business trips, any appointments he can make for you? So you don't feel pushed to keep him occupied?

Having keep a daily journal that he turns in to you weekly may help too. So he can express his thoughts straight up, his fears, how he feels, what he's thinking without fear of reprimand. Write erotic stories for you? Maybe having him masturbate in certain places using certain unusual items and wearing certain clothing on certain days of the week...then writing a report about it? Take pictures of his tasks to show you.
I'm not saying that you HAVE to have him do any of those thing at all, but I think it's important that if your so busy all the time, he stays busy all the time too.

 

[Adakgirl]

I left a short comment above for you too..lol and you are very welcome

 

[Bette_coquette]

Adakgirl, those are brilliant! I think I'll come up with a list of chores he has to for me, such as rearranging my spice drawer or cleaning out my lingerie drawer. Every time he goes to the store he'll call and ask if I need anything. I always say no. Now I'll say yes. Tampons, lube, ginger root. Oh, yes. This is good.

 

[Netzach]

I can relate to this in a lot of ways.

To my mind, there are subs who want and need rewarding for effort. If they've spent all day working hard on some task, they need to know they're still loved and appreciated if it doesn't come out quite right. If it does all come out right, they want and need praise and head patting.

Then there are twisted little souls like me and possibly like your guy.

Reward for effort is hollow for me. If I get patted on the head for everything I attempt, it's boring because I can anticipate the response. I also feel like I'm being treated in way I don't deserve. I like being rewarded if I've genuinely performed well but I don't need to be rewarded. If I present a mouth watering meal of things I know you like to eat, seeing it all go into the trash will be hot, but if it was really the best I could do, some of my self esteem will go into the trash with it. Seeing part of it go into the trash could be interesting. Get him to choose wine too, that's nastily difficult.

Dominants often feel they need to choose between praise and harsh criticism but the absence of either can be very powerful. If you were to eat that meal with your sub watching every move you made, anxious to see if you liked it, you keeping your expression neutral and then abruptly changing the subject when you're done, without commenting on the meal, that can be very hot. Your sub then gets to fuck with his own head while you get on with your life. Did she like it? Did she hate it? Was it merely adequate? Was she being deliberately kind or cruel in refusing to comment? When your guy next cooks for you, he will still be wondering what you really thought of the last meal. He'll torture himself far more effectively than you ever could, which I'm willing to bet will make him really put effort in.

It's nice to have particularly efficient or thoughtful acts of serviced noticed but I don't need that because my mindset is more slaveish that subbish. I don't consider praise and rewards to be my right, they are a privilege given at my Mistress's discretion. It will push your guy's humiliation buttons if you're capricious and unpredictable, moving the goalposts to set him up for failure occasionally and making it clear that even if he's done brilliantly, he shouldn't expect praise and rewards as a matter of course. You are the one in the driving seat here and he shouldn't be able to anticipate your praise or criticism too easily.

Your guy sounds like he's leaning towards a slavelike mentality, which is something you should consider and discuss, because it may not ultimately be what you want in a submissive.

I think I'm in love - this is brilliantly articulated. I'm not sure I agree if this personality is tied to slavery per se, but you may be on to something.

I train toward this, though. I make it abundantly clear that if I decide to beat you or berate you, often it's nothing personal per se, it's me opting for my right as the person with the power you gave me. If I decide to just say "thanks" when you do what I asked, it's because maybe for YOU it's a giant big deal but I'm reminding you of the fact that because it is for you it does not automatically mean it is for me.

Conversely, some little tiny detail, could be the BIG DEAL thing for me.

It keeps things lively, but always always organic and fresh for me. I've been manipulated into and paid for "domination" which consists of doing what the other party wants and sometimes even insists they "need" appealing to the fact that I'm actually a pretty damn nice person, without regard to what *I* need. It's not cool. I'm not saying that's what's going on here, but I constantly constantly caution Dominants, male and female, to be on the lookout for this, to check in with themselves.

Because really, a lot of us are pretty damn nice and sensitive people and other-focused to a fault.

Why I took on the slave I did is because he's willing to accept the outcome. He might get correction, he might just get me wiping my mouth on his good cloth napkin and "thanks, that was great."

If you are planning your reaction for his benefit you are playing. I do this too "OK, that was nice, you may now masturbate onto my used plate and lick it off." Just be honest with yourself when you are planning a reaction for his benefit rather than reacting.

 

[Netzach]

Correct, he got off on it because he got some attention from you, getting snapped at by you is better than getting barely any attention at all. Adjusting himself from being with you four times a week, to only being with you one day a week, must be pretty difficult for him. And whats worse is... I bet he knows that your so busy all the time, you didn't even realize it's down to once a week now.

He has a deep need to serve you, to have opportunities to please you, he wants to do things that will cause you to be proud of him, and so you'll stay happy that he's your submissive. Because that's what makes him happy, that's what fulfills him, that's what it's about. He's intelligent, active, he feels comfortable with a lot on his plate.

Here's a few suggestions from a person who has never lived in r/l as a submissive. (this is not a disclaimer, it's a claimer)

You say your always so busy, is there any way he can take on some of your burden? Doing your grocery shopping perhaps?
(wearing scanty clothing or a butt plug, buying lube and condoms with the food?) Cleaning your car, washing your laundry, cleaning your home naked, taking care of your outside chores? (if any). Not only have him cook, but why not paint the kitchen or scrub the floor on his knees wearing an apron? Grow cooking herbs in little flower pots to use when he cooks for you?

Are there any small jobs he can perform for you that would ease your professional workload?
Everybody needs a boyfriday right? errands? Keeping things organized, packing for your business trips, any appointments he can make for you? So you don't feel pushed to keep him occupied?

Having keep a daily journal that he turns in to you weekly may help too. So he can express his thoughts straight up, his fears, how he feels, what he's thinking without fear of reprimand. Write erotic stories for you? Maybe having him masturbate in certain places using certain unusual items and wearing certain clothing on certain days of the week...then writing a report about it? Take pictures of his tasks to show you.
I'm not saying that you HAVE to have hin any of those thing at all, but I think it's important that if your so busy all the time, he stays busy all the time too.

These are good ideas.

Also, if he's really good at "a lot on his plate" and you aren't as good - and depending on your trust levels, I've actually asked things like "please project manage me on this" when I sense my own weakness. I benefit from the detail oriented managerial stuff from my guys, and somehow it doesn't quite feel as onerous as it does at their jobs to help me out like that.

 

[Netzach]

fuckmeat, I really like the "no comment" idea on dinner. Thanks to all for your comments. I do think he'd love for this to be 24/7 and there's no way I want that in the next year or two. Life is just getting in the way.

Often little behavioral tics underly something that needs a little relational shoring up.
Remind the dude of your affection and long-term intention if you know it.

 

[FungiUg]

Because really, a lot of us are pretty damn nice and sensitive people and other-focused to a fault.

Thanks Netzach. I think that's been a big chunk of my own issue, where I have struggled to get into the right headspace because frankly I don't like hurting or disappointing people, particularly someone I love.

Which is one of the reasons it took me so long to uncover my sadistic side.

 

[Bette_coquette]

So, he calls from the store and asked if I needed anything. I don't, really, but told him to bring me something for my hair. That's all I said, so we'll see what he comes up with. He seemed really happy to be shopping for me. Silly man.

 

[Kikori]

Five bucks says it's a conditioner.

Double or nothing it's one you actually wind up liking for the smell.

 

[Netzach]

Thanks Netzach. I think that's been a big chunk of my own issue, where I have struggled to get into the right headspace because frankly I don't like hurting or disappointing people, particularly someone I love.

Which is one of the reasons it took me so long to uncover my sadistic side.

Yeah, most of us are not socialized to be comfortable with these things.

Nice to see you around again.

 

[Bette_coquette]

He got me....



























Are you ready?



























A plastic shower cap.























We're going to the beach next weekend. Guess what he'll be wearing....

 

[BiBunny]

LOL-lerskates.

 

[Netzach]

LOL.

Get pictures. Share with girlfriends, or threaten to.

 

[Bette_coquette]

Yes, pictures are already a must-have. He mentioned he wants a new set of swim trunks. I told him to be sure they match the shower cap. I tried to look all stern, but I kept giggling. We were both laughing uncontrollably for quite a while. I swear, this guy's looking forward to frolicking on the beach in his new get-up.

He said he was thinking of some conditioner, but for some reason went with the cap. I'm still trying to figure out what was going through his head.

 

[Adakgirl]

He seemed really happy to be shopping for me. Silly man.

See? I knew it, told ya, so told ya so... neenerneernerneener

Now think on this... Guess why I think he chose a shower cap? I'll betcha he chose it because he figured or assumed or just knew that you would humiliate him by making him wear it. You know, that he knows, that you don't wear shower caps, right? A shower cap is kind of a smart alecky thing for him to buy for your hair... don't you think?
And If he already knew about the trip to the beach, then....

That's ok though! You giggled and laughed together, you cracked each other up and felt the connection. As long as you stay aware that he is well capable and fully able to fuck with your mind if he wants too, in order to influence things to work in his favor. He can do that, he knows how and he will try to slide that sht right by you. This is just my opinion of course.

Perhaps, just to let him know that you are aware of his tricks, the shower cap might easily be transformed into a cute little pair of new swim trunks for him? Cut 2 holes for his legs and there ya go. Talk about humiliation, let him frolic on the beach in those. heh HOOOZia! fun fun fun!

P.S. You might give him several different tasks that you expect to be performed weekly as a matter of course, done to your satisfaction. Every single week he will know that those tasks are his responsibility to complete. With just your initial instruction alone and without you needing to remind him or praise him for it or even comment on them. That gives you a solid base, so you don't have to think up stuff all the time, yet he's still consistently performing services for you. It's also a good test to see where his heads at.

Being a Dominant is not easy, it's a huge responsibility and it is very very demanding, at times exhausting. You accepted that responsibility when you took him on. If life gets too much in the way and stays in the way, then in my opinion, it's not fair to him... to continue your D/s relationship.

Learn his weaknesses and investigate how he perceives your relationship. Make him verbalize whats on his mind, so you can seek to understand him better and in doing so, be able to maintain a firmer grip on your control over him, whether your with him a lot or not.