Question - Does BDSM facilitate a haven for potential 'abusers' ?

[stickNberries]

pull up to my bumper baby

Abuse/Domestic Violence

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=290326

 

[Samuelx]

I have known a few abusive men and MANY abusive women in my time. They got different styles. The abusive woman goes undetected by family members and friends of the victim. She also goes unreported and unharmed most of the time. BDSM is about sensuality and trust between partners. Abusive men and abusive women got no place in this outlet of human sensuality and energy. Most of them don't need whips and chains to hurt someone.

 

[stickNberries]

I have known a few abusive men and MANY abusive women in my time. They got different styles. The abusive woman goes undetected by family members and friends of the victim. She also goes unreported and unharmed most of the time. BDSM is about sensuality and trust between partners. Abusive men and abusive women got no place in this outlet of human sensuality and energy. Most of them don't need whips and chains to hurt someone.

"...don't need whips and chains to hurt someone."

indeed...stripping a person of any sense of personal value is as easy as telling them that they
haven't got any...over and over and over again.

 

[Bandit58]

"...don't need whips and chains to hurt someone."

indeed...stripping a person of any sense of personal value is as easy as telling them that they
haven't got any...over and over and over again.

As a survivor of an emotionally abusive marriage of 23 years I can say that is absolutely true.
I still struggle with occasional nightmares (although not as frequently as I once did) and self esteem issues. I have a fear of trying new things, I tend to withdraw into myself if confrontation arises, and there are triggers (such as angry raised voices) which send me into what I call my "bad place"

The man I married was not a Dom, in fact would not have a clue what BDSM is. He was, and still is as far as I know, a domineering and childish man who wanted everything his own way. He would not speak to me for days sometimes if I did something which displeased him. My heart would sink into my boots when I heard him coming home. I never knew what sort of mood he would be in, so I spent a lot of time "walking on egg shells".

My scars are not visible ones, but they are there

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Shhhhhhhh.

The "casual community" doesn't discuss stuff like this because WE'RE ALL abusers! No matter what.

 

[BLoved]

Shhhhhhhh.

The "casual community" doesn't discuss stuff like this because WE'RE ALL abusers! No matter what.

Kill yourself.

EDIT: Why you bring this shit to this message board i have no fucking idea.

Cease being a whining fuck (I dont doubt that you are) and sort your shit out. Fucking SORT. IT OUT. You have a blend of deluded, patronising, pseudointellectual ignorance that gets up the collective nose of this messageboard like lines of cayenne pepper, and it does not surprise me one bit that your shit is fucked up (you come across as a maniac)


fuck youuuuuuuu

Received this in the mail from one of the casual players:

In my opinion, cancer is a disease with both environmental and emotional components. You may think me unfair, but I do hold you responsible for both the physical and emotional environment that your slave lived in - if you're taking these relationships as seriously as I think you do.

And this:

Just so you know I am not involved in "causal BDSM". I am in a loving monogamous relationship with someone whom I will marry one day. I have never been to a play party, munch, or any kind of BDSM event. I might not ever attend one in my life.

I personally believe BDSM is only enhanced when you are in a loving relationship. And I agree that BDSM outside of love can be more dangerous, but I will always respect another person's right to live their life how they want.

I'm going to put you on ignore now robert. It's been fun.

But before I go, I just want to say:

Kill yourself.

I agree.

I was Robert's "beloved".

I left him because he was not who i thought he was.
He changed over the time we spent together and i realized i no longer loved him. It was a difficult decision that i came to but one that i am glad i made.

Robert is stuck in his ways.
He hates change and anything that has to do with change. In way i started to pity him. He still has not gotten over the losses in his life. He tries to cover them up with his belief that Love will cure all. But I realized it doesn't.

I knew if i told Robert all this, he would have just went about his life as if i said nothing at all. Its Robert's way or its the wrong way. I couldn't live like that. i will always have a place in my heart for Robert.

But i am glad i left. It was one of the best decisions i could have made for myself.

Take care of yourself Robert.

That was me.

And I've rated your stories 1 star a bunch of times.

~smile~

Bye bye robert.

Take care.

You will find many more examples in The 'ethics' of casual 'bdsm'

These are examples of the 'ethics' of casual 'bdsm'.

This is how they prey upon the self-esteem of anyone they can get their hands on.

This is how they manipulate their victims.

This is how important it is to them to get their own way, come hell or high water.

 

[FungiUg]

These are examples of the 'ethics' of casual 'bdsm'.

It's okay, I put on a suit and a tie.

Me, I don't believe in "casual" (er, please ignore the sneakers). Relationships are all different. Ethics and morality should be abiding whatever the type or style of a relationship. Of course, they are individual, but as societies we also have a collective ethic. Morality is a whole 'nother question.

But I do believe in talking about this stuff. Sadly, the reason I gave up on literotica doesn't seem to have changed much. People abusing other people for having discussions in a discussion forum. Oh noes!

 

[ElizabethDarcy]

The "other" side

Abusers will find victims wherever they look. For me, NOT having been a part of, or even knowing about BDSM, resulted in me finding myself in an abusive relationship. I have always been a pleaser. It makes me upset if someone I care about (parents, children, friends, significant other) is not happy. I get incredible joy from taking care of others, even without any acknowledgment. This natural tendency led me to work very hard to take care of and please my ex for a long time. At first, he was appreciative but, without the context and support of the D/s community, he started to feel guilty about all my giving and then resentful. It just went downhill from there. The harder I tried, the worse it got. I didn't have a way of explaining that taking care of him was fulfilling, and he didn't have any context for how to "repay" me. Yes, there are some deeper issues (namely, I think he's mentally ill, but I would think that wouldn't I?) but BDSM is a much healthier community for me.

I honestly think that the emphasis on self-awareness and communication within BDSM relationships should be emulated by the vanilla world. Yes, abusers find an easy place to shop and hide within the BDSM community, especially online. The same is true, however, in any online community and in the real world. You wouldn't believe how many of the abusers would hit on other women in the domestic abuse shelter during group therapy stuff.

Just my two cents.

 

[Bette_coquette]

I am hardly experienced in BDSM, so let me open with that. I think there is absolutely a potential for abuse in a BDSM relationship. I have never had a relationship in BDSM with anyone that I didn't in RL first. I can't imagine contacting someone via online or through some other type of advertisement and then meeting them for the purpose of engaging in a sexual relationship. I suppose my fears are more geared to a sexual predator who uses the BDSM community as a place for discovering willing victims.

My current relationship is with a man who I have known for just over 4 years. I was actually not looking for a BDSM relationship but as we got to know each other he began dropping hints that he wanted to explore this lifestyle, which completely took me by surprise. He has placed his complete trust in me, as is apparent when I place him in some precarious situations!

 

[radepor]

Pure...and lazy response

This is a direct response. Not "contaminated" by reading other responses; also, not modulated by other responses.

This is not a scientific approach. Even the most honest answer is objective. Why ask here? Oh well...

Of course a BDSM relationship is going to be sought out, used and abused by male abusers; ALSO, by female abusers--don't be sexist..

I hate to condone abuse, believe it not; however, I think both the consenting abuser and the abused gets something from the relationship. It may or may not be healthy.

I received the following correspondence/private message in 'BSDM Librarian' Mode yesterday after sharing a conversation regarding the Lochai Art in my AV and the also the Art Threads in the Cafe. I suggested after giving my own opinion that it might be more prudent to submit to the Forum Community for more comprehensive feedback. The gentleman whom will remain anonymous has given me his express permission to do so and will be reading the thread with interest.

He did not frame the Thread title, I did. It seems to be the undertow to the following .....


Any thoughts please

 

[AngelicAssassin]

...I'll refrain from my usual badgering about the word "true" because of the context. Consider it an act of kindness

Nothing is _always_ healthy. People die while jogging all the time. Breathing ain't healthy in some places due to air pollution. Anything can be unhealthy. And I would say that the incidence of unhealthy relationships in BDSM is likely to be at least as high as vanilla relationships. No idea how it compares precisely, but people are as likely to be fucked up in any given field.

We like to talk about communication, communication, communication, and how it makes us functional. Much like my above assertion that the vast profusion of anti-abuse literature in BDSM indicates a likelihood of abuse, the constants cries for communication, SSC, RACK, etc tells me that excess and crap communication is probably not all that uncommon.

Am I saying there we're dysfunctional as a community? Nah, not really. My gut-check anecdotal impression is that we're as dysfunctional as everyone else. We just express it differently.

Homburg wins the clairvoyant award for this gem, however, the winner for NUE&CC is ...

 

[fuckmeat]

The following behaviours are some examples of domestic violence.
All of which are illegal:
-Physical abuse such as hitting, slapping, punching, biting, kicking or pushing;
-Damaging property such as the house, breaking furniture, hurting pets to intimidate and frighten;
-Threats to harm your children, pets, family members or you;
-Intimidation and harassment including humiliation, constant criticism, insults;
-Stalking Behaviours - persistent phone calls, following the victim or staying outside of the victim's the home or workplace.
-Forcing victim to have sex, or take part in sexual acts against their will;
-Withholding necessities of life such as food, money, medical care;
-Isolation, preventing the victim from the company of family and friends.

Sometimes they blame themselves for the violence because they have been told by their partner on many occasions, that they ‘provoked’ it.

indeed...stripping a person of any sense of personal value is as easy as telling them that they haven't got any...over and over and over again.

*sigh* I really am not supposed to be finding the above all kinds of hot am I?

For me, it centres around informed consensuality and mutual fulfilment based on trust and sincere respect. Anything less than that has the potential to become abusive, whether through poor negotiation/communication, misunderstandings, confusion about the appropriate use of safewords/signs or a lack of genuine care on the part of the dominant.

I can't really comment on the 'community' as a whole but I do think people are a lot more clued up and streetwise than they ever used to be. Governments and domestic abuse charities campaign to raise awareness. People have much clearer ideas of what they want from a relationship and what they're not prepared to tolerate. There is far less of a stigma attached to divorce now and there's real help out there for abused partners who want to escape. Nowadays, remorseful abusers can also seek help themselves to break the cycle. There's also a lot of support out there for substance abuse and other issues that can perpetuate violence. Access to the internet, communities like this one, information on BDSM and on domestic abuse, it's all just a click away. Groups and munches seem to self regulate well so I think there's a lot less of a haven for abusers in the kink community than in other demographics where people are far less switched on to the risk of abuse and what constitutes abuse.