BLoved seeks Beloved - Ontario

[BLoved]

My name is Robert.

As you may have guessed, I'm a writer.

I'm also a widower of almost four years now.

BDSM has been a part of my life for some 28 years. Originally a dominant in my first relationship of six years, I became a master in the second relationship which lasted four years, and continued to be one throughout my relationship with my wife for eleven years.

As some of you may be wondering, I don't do casual bdsm. I'm not involved in any community, nor do I wish to be.

What I seek is true love, and I'm willing to be as patient as is required to find it and to keep it.

I've never settled for less, and I'm not about to start now.

What I seek in a beloved is a good and strong heart, a woman who understands love is about respect, honesty, understanding, devotion and compassion.

A woman whose word I can depend upon, as she can depend upon mine.

In the three years I've quested for love, I came across two women who seemed to understand this. One very early in my search, one more recent.

It turned out both had issues with love and trust, incapable of either in the long-run.

I'd really like to avoid that problem in the future. I have a lot of love to give, and a loving heart is a terrible thing to waste.

If someone were interested, I'd hope she'd write and introduce herself. I really don't believe in pressure, and would prefer we talk awhile, get to know each other, see how things go.

If we can't talk, we won't make it very far.

If the intellectual chemistry is there, I'd hope we'd meet and see if the physical chemistry is just as good. I'm not one to judge a book by its cover, and I'm not going to be judging you for your looks.

Physical chemistry is more than looks, it's about being comfortable together. Hopefully our conversations will lay down the foundation for that, but only being together can confirm it.

I'm in reasonably good health, having lost 100 pounds over the past few years. There are a few minor issues which I'll be happy to discuss if you wish to know more. I don't expect perfection in the lady I seek, but I'd hope that like me she wants to live a long and active life and is willing to work on improving her health as I work on mine.

I hardly ever drink, a liqueur on special ocassions, maybe a beer or two during the summer, but that's about it.

I do smoke, a nasty habit I picked up when I was young and one I will quit. It would certainly help to have a reasonably stress-free loving relationship in my life.

You should know I have dogs. Several dogs, actually, as well as several cats. I get along well with animals, and I love nature.

I live on 2.5 acres of forested property in the Kawarthas. A little piece of paradise. There are more cattle than people on my road, so someone who is comfortable without the convenience and distractions of city life would fit in well here.

I'm artistic, writing being my primary skill but by no means my only interest. I like photography as well, and while I have no special skills with respect to music or art, I am very supportive of those who wish to develop those skills.

I haven't mentioned age, mostly because age is not an issue for me. What might be an issue is immaturity and those who feel a need for drama in their lives.

This is not to say I can't be playful. I enjoy letting my hair down and being a kid at heart from time to time, but I never lose sight of my responsibilities as an adult and as a master.

I'm an intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate individual. Given time I think you will find I am also quite selfless when it comes to the one I love. These are qualities I respect, and I hope to find them in the woman I seek.

I believe "Love is all you need".

True, there are many other things that make life easier, but without Love, none of those things really matter. If you understand this, you have a good start on understanding me.

When it comes to bdsm I'm of the 24/7 variety. That doesn't mean I interfere with work, friends or family. I've always encouraged the one I love to keep and nurture those relationships which are healthy and beneficial for her.

But I don't role-play being a master. I am one.

I believe that if I don't inspire the best in you, I'm not the right man for you, just as if you don't inspire the best in me, you're not the right woman for me.

I don't think love should settle for less.

That doesn't mean I expect perfection. It means that I expect our love will touch each other's heart so deeply we won't be satisfied with "good enough".

In love, we always strive to give our best, to be our best, and to learn to be better for each other.

That's what I give when I'm in love, and I believe that is what I will receive from the one who would love me.

I will leave you with the following thoughts, and I hope that if I've struck a chord in your heart, you will give love a chance and write me.


Promises to Live By

I will hope for the best from you.

I will have faith in you.

I will believe you.

I will trust you.

I will respect you.

I will discuss with you.

I will listen to you.

I will teach you.

I will learn from you.

I will cherish you.

I will care for you.

I will heal you.

I will need you.

I will be there for you.

I will stand up for you.

I will understand you.

I will love you ...

... Always ...

 

[flesh4fancy]

Anyone who writes stories as lovely as yours deserves a little bump.

 

[Lady_Fiona]

I wish you luck in your quest. May you find what many strive for and don't achieve

 

[Kikori]

I hate to be a stick in the mud about Bloved, but there is a bit of information those who talk here might need to know. Primarily, he's a troll.

He has at least one topic introducing his views and choosing to belittle anyone who disagrees, one topic he's actually started to take such behavior into his own hands, and one more he started making himself into the victim of a mob that was dead set against him from the start.

While I'm not here to ridicule his last relationship breaking up, it pretty much took one good night's sleep for him to be over it and back on his merry way of trolling.

This exact same behavior has been exhibited on Fetlife as well, links provided within the topics above if you're curious. Therefore, while I'm not here to soil his name, I am making one clear warning to anyone who seriously considers this topic. If a person's online behavior is any testament to their real life behavior, look at what you have to expect before considering. A troll who preaches a good message is still a troll.

Disclaimer: I do not hate Bloved, or dislike him as a person in any way, simply because I only know the online persona "Bloved" and not the actual person. However, his behavior in the BDSM section of the website has been disruptive, at best. This post is strictly to warn potentials considering him that if his online behavior is to match his real life, then research on the matter is a must. If he happens to be everything in this topic's original post, more power to you & him and we'll all be happy. The reason for this post is to educate, and for those who believe the past is to repeat itself, protect.

 

[kimuk]

My name is Robert.

As you may have guessed, I'm a writer.

I'm also a widower of almost four years now.

BDSM has been a part of my life for some 28 years. Originally a dominant in my first relationship of six years, I became a master in the second relationship which lasted four years, and continued to be one throughout my relationship with my wife for eleven years.

As some of you may be wondering, I don't do casual bdsm. I'm not involved in any community, nor do I wish to be.

What I seek is true love, and I'm willing to be as patient as is required to find it and to keep it.

I've never settled for less, and I'm not about to start now.

What I seek in a beloved is a good and strong heart, a woman who understands love is about respect, honesty, understanding, devotion and compassion.

A woman whose word I can depend upon, as she can depend upon mine.

In the three years I've quested for love, I came across two women who seemed to understand this. One very early in my search, one more recent.

It turned out both had issues with love and trust, incapable of either in the long-run.

I'd really like to avoid that problem in the future. I have a lot of love to give, and a loving heart is a terrible thing to waste.

If someone were interested, I'd hope she'd write and introduce herself. I really don't believe in pressure, and would prefer we talk awhile, get to know each other, see how things go.

If we can't talk, we won't make it very far.

If the intellectual chemistry is there, I'd hope we'd meet and see if the physical chemistry is just as good. I'm not one to judge a book by its cover, and I'm not going to be judging you for your looks.

Physical chemistry is more than looks, it's about being comfortable together. Hopefully our conversations will lay down the foundation for that, but only being together can confirm it.

I'm in reasonably good health, having lost 100 pounds over the past few years. There are a few minor issues which I'll be happy to discuss if you wish to know more. I don't expect perfection in the lady I seek, but I'd hope that like me she wants to live a long and active life and is willing to work on improving her health as I work on mine.

I hardly ever drink, a liqueur on special ocassions, maybe a beer or two during the summer, but that's about it.

I do smoke, a nasty habit I picked up when I was young and one I will quit. It would certainly help to have a reasonably stress-free loving relationship in my life.

You should know I have dogs. Several dogs, actually, as well as several cats. I get along well with animals, and I love nature.

I live on 2.5 acres of forested property in the Kawarthas. A little piece of paradise. There are more cattle than people on my road, so someone who is comfortable without the convenience and distractions of city life would fit in well here.

I'm artistic, writing being my primary skill but by no means my only interest. I like photography as well, and while I have no special skills with respect to music or art, I am very supportive of those who wish to develop those skills.

I haven't mentioned age, mostly because age is not an issue for me. What might be an issue is immaturity and those who feel a need for drama in their lives.

This is not to say I can't be playful. I enjoy letting my hair down and being a kid at heart from time to time, but I never lose sight of my responsibilities as an adult and as a master.

I'm an intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate individual. Given time I think you will find I am also quite selfless when it comes to the one I love. These are qualities I respect, and I hope to find them in the woman I seek.

I believe "Love is all you need".

True, there are many other things that make life easier, but without Love, none of those things really matter. If you understand this, you have a good start on understanding me.

When it comes to bdsm I'm of the 24/7 variety. That doesn't mean I interfere with work, friends or family. I've always encouraged the one I love to keep and nurture those relationships which are healthy and beneficial for her.

But I don't role-play being a master. I am one.

I believe that if I don't inspire the best in you, I'm not the right man for you, just as if you don't inspire the best in me, you're not the right woman for me.

I don't think love should settle for less.

That doesn't mean I expect perfection. It means that I expect our love will touch each other's heart so deeply we won't be satisfied with "good enough".

In love, we always strive to give our best, to be our best, and to learn to be better for each other.

That's what I give when I'm in love, and I believe that is what I will receive from the one who would love me.

I will leave you with the following thoughts, and I hope that if I've struck a chord in your heart, you will give love a chance and write me.


Promises to Live By

I will hope for the best from you.

I will have faith in you.

I will believe you.

I will trust you.

I will respect you.

I will discuss with you.

I will listen to you.

I will teach you.

I will learn from you.

I will cherish you.

I will care for you.

I will heal you.

I will need you.

I will be there for you.

I will stand up for you.

I will understand you.

I will love you ...

... Always ...

Happy hunting ....i hope you fond your soul mate , intelectually, sexually and forever .....hopr you get your happy every after

 

[BLoved]

Thank you to those who wish me well

As for Kikori, ~smile~, there are many trolls in the bdsm forum. It was only a matter of time till one decided to try and wreck whatever chances I have of finding someone here.

Good luck to all who seek love.

 

[chy_girl]

Thank you to those who wish me well

As for Kikori, ~smile~, there are many trolls in the bdsm forum. It was only a matter of time till one decided to try and wreck whatever chances I have of finding someone here.

Good luck to all who seek love.

Wreck chances... inform the unsuspecting... all a matter of perspective.

 

[BLoved]

Wreck chances... inform the unsuspecting... all a matter of perspective.

Yet another troll from the bdsm forum.

 

[flesh4fancy]

Yet another troll from the bdsm forum.

Don't worry about the trolls Sir. Those of us who have been following your discussions know you are a good and honourable man.

If only you lived closer

 

[Kikori]

Yet another troll from the bdsm forum.

Fine way to respond to the person you specifically singled out in this post as the one person who treated you fairly.
For those that don't want to click...

Have you ever sought support with others who have experienced similar losses though? Or even the support of others who have experienced living in a house with addiction?

No.

I've offered support and encouragement to those who have suffered a loss, but I've not found anyone who could, or would offer support.

I also must confess, I've not looked for support. I've always been the shoulder others lean on. There are no shoulders for me.

I want to thank you for our exchanges today. It has been a very long time since anyone on a bdsm forum has treated me as a human being, and given me reason to believe he or she is sincerely listening.

You did that today, and it is a rare gift I will not forget.

Forgive me, but this has been one of the longest days I've had to endure in quite some time. Time for bed. I may not sleep, and may return, but if not, thank you for this gift.

 

[BLoved]

Fine way to respond to the person you specifically singled out in this post as the one person who treated you fairly.
For those that don't want to click...

Would that be the same person who asked this:

Did you fuck her?

Oral, anal, vaginal, finger fuck, fuck her with a toy? Any of the above? No details needed, a yes or no answer will do.

Apparently the BDSM Forum isn't big enough to hold all the efforts to persecute me for rejecting the 'ethics' of casual 'bdsm'.

They have to persecute me here too.

Here is the essay that has them upset:

Casual 'BDSM' and Emotional Abuse: The Case for Love

Needs

The first need of the casual community is more recruits.

They are always recruiting more female submissives.

There is a good reason for that: female submissives quit the community.

One might ask "why?".

I find the cigarette industry a useful comparison.

How do you convince people to give up breathing fresh air and teach them to prefer cigarette smoke instead?

For the casual community, the question is: How do you convince people to give up Love and teach them to prefer lustful, loveless one night stands?

The answer is the same: you make it look "cool", and you silence anyone who would issue a warning about the dangers.

The reason so many female submissives quit is because they learn of the dangers for themselves, usually as a result of being abused.

Just as those who found themselves invaded by lung cancer gave up smoking.

________________________________________

________________________________________

Strategies

Paint a Rosy Picture

Control the medium, and you control the message.

The casual community has learned this lesson well.

By ensuring they are in positions of control: site owners, group owners, moderators, etc they are in a position to ensure only the message they want others to hear will be heard, and no other.

From this position they can make any claim, and as they have the authority to control what is heard, dissent is never heard.

And anyone who doesn't get with the program can be made an example of for others.

So now that we know what won't be heard, what do we hear?

We hear that everything is perfect in the casual community. Everything is a munch or a party. Everyone is safe, and do be doubly sure, there are dungeon monitors.

Safe and fun, that is what we hear about casual communities ... because that is what the casual communities who control the medium want us to hear.

We hear a lot about techniques, but no one talks about ethics.

If ethics comes up at all, it is the mantra "I can do anything I want, its my life."

Remember this. It will come up often.

Safe, fun, and self-indulging, this is the appearance of casual play in public.

What could appeal more to a young female novice submissive?

Lower Their Guard

And what could be more effective than a munch?

Gives the newbies a chance to meet the local play party crowd under controlled conditions.

Gives the local play party crowd a chance to determine which of the attendees will make for cooperative recruits.

After all, you didn't think they were there out of the goodness of their hearts, did you?

Keep in mind these are self-indulging people seeking recruits for lustful, loveless encounters.

Just as the lady selling tupperware may come across as wanting to be your best friend, so too do those seeking fresh meat.

"I can do anything I want, its my life."

They are not there for you. They don't even know you. So why invite you into a loveless sexual encounter unless they believe it will benefit themselves?

Well might one wonder, but the question is easily overlooked when distracted by their friendly behaviour.

The casual communities attempt to create the impression of relaxed, friendly people who are there to make new friends.

Again, one might wonder, what happened to the old "new friends"? How many munches a year does a casual community have, and how many attend, and how many more next year, and the year after that, and what of the years past?

Surely these communities must be packed like sardines in any given room at a play party by now.

We'll get to that.

The munch exists to reassure you that you are dealing with a group of "safe, sane, real" people.

Whether it succeeds depends upon the quality of their performance.

Ask any tupperware party saleslady.

________________________________________

Play Parties

There are at least two kinds of play party: public and private.

Public Play Parties

The public parties are usually money-making in nature. A hall is rented, tickets are sold, anyone walking by along the street can get in for the price of admission.

Depending on the size of the hall, attendance can reach the hundreds.

Nearly all will be male.

Stages are erected for the purposes of displaying the talents of the domly types on submissives. Think of it as an erotic performance, with restraints.

Anyone can submit, as long as they can find someone with toys to dom them.

It is important to notice just how safe this is for a female submissive being invited to perform.

Keep in mind the submissive will be restrained, and thus unable to do anything to protect herself.

Anyone can enter the premises.

No weapons or bottle check is made. No sobriety check is made. Those who come in can be high on anything, and packing anything.

All they need is the price of admission.

It is most likely the event itself is illegal. If busted there will likely be charges. If someone with kids is charged, Social Services may get involved.

For this reason it will be with the greatest of reluctance paramedics would be called in the event of an emergency.

The police with even more reluctance.

True, there are Dungeon Monitors, volunteers who are to keep the peace.

But how much of themselves are they willing to risk for the sake of others if they are not even performing a weapons check at the door to protect themselves?

I've always said it is the little things that count the most. I pay attention to the little details like this that add up to a bigger picture.

The Dungeon Monitors are a bluff. If they were serious about safety, they'd check for weapons and drugs and booze and needles and ... you get my drift.

If anyone can walk in off the street a street gang could walk in off the street.

Even without the street gang, the mob of men themselves could turn on others, in frustration or machismo or whatever.

There are never going to be enough monitors to control such a crowd if it got out of control, and considering what the female submissives are 'advertising' merely by being there, this is not a situation you ever want getting out of control.

So ... why are there no weapons checks?

Moving along ...

Even ignoring the possibility of the crowd losing control, a small group of men can do a fair bit of damage to a woman in a crowd. Most bystanders will watch, assuming this too is part of the entertainment.

For them, it is a rape scene.

So ... why does the online casual community insist these events are "safe"?

Especially since these events occur world wide without any attention being paid to them by the individuals who claim these events are safe.

No one can speak for what rules apply to these events, because those who run these events can invent their own rules, on the fly if need be.

Furthermore, no one can speak to whether the rules are inforced, or in what matter, because once again those who run these events and those who enforce the rules are making judgment calls on the fly, as needed.

And in making their choice, their interests are first and foremost, not those of anyone requiring medical attention.

And those who advocate this behaviour, the ones who believe they benefit from it, how can they absolve themselves of their own self-interest?

How can they claim no abuse occured when they could not witness all things happening to all attendees during the time all of these events occurred?

They do not stop and say "the ones I went to were safe for me" until they are pressed against the wall.

The party line is they are all safe.

If none of them ever admit to safety concerns, they all benefit.

More novices are lured into a sense of false security.

So why does the online casual community censor any attempt to discuss this?

Because they get trapped behind these ridiculous claims and the truth becomes clear.

These events are not safe.

You will notice a lot of this 'closing of the ranks' mentality as we go along.

Private Play Parties

Private play parties occur in homes, with small groups of people specifically invited for the event.

Basically, if you were invited, someone in the group was hot for your meat and believes you will cooperate completely with their fantasies that involve you.

In theory, no one is pressured into anything.

In practice, that all depends upon someone's definition for "pressure".

Deception may or may not be used to obtain cooperation.

Drugs/alcohol may or may not be used to obtain cooperation.

Hypnosis may or may not be used to obtain cooperation.

And that is assuming subtlty is involved.

For some, the fact a submissive even shows up is enough cooperation. For others, if she permits herself to be tied up she is available to anyone attending.

The thinking is, if she didn't want it, she wouldn't have come to the event.

What limits will be respected and which will be ignored are entirely up to the regular group, who will always outnumber the recruits.

One group I knew of required both members of a couple to serve as subs, regardless of whether they were subs or not.

This would mean both could be rendered helpless at the same time and neither be able to come to the aid of the other, if required.

Unlike public play parties which are advertised, there is no hope of making claims about how many private parties occur, who is involved, what rules are enforced and how are they enforced, what safety protocols are followed, if any ...

But it will be noted this does not deter those who advocate such behaviour to make claims about safety without concern for this lack of knowledge.

They are all safe.

________________________________________

Other Forms of Casual Encounters

Adultery (Cheating)

It is not unusual I see an advertisement from a woman claiming to be attached seeking discreet encounters.

Here all safety concerns are cast to the wind. No one must know they are meeting, so no one knows where she goes, or who she is with.

Anything can happen, and no one would know.

There is the possibility of blackmail.

If helpless, there is the chance he uses no protection and causes pregnancy or the transmission of disease.

And even if the worst does not happen, bruises and marks are more easily obtained than explained.

There is one other aspect that often gets overlooked.

How trustworthy is a man who helps a woman cheat her husband?

Partner Exchange (Wife Swapping)

I must make clear that there are two very different types of people who engage in this practice.

There are those who form close friendships with others and with whom they share sexual intimacy. These are not casual, loveless relationships, tho' it is unlikely they are full-blown romances. These are people who care for each other deeply. What they share is not a one-night stand, but part of an evolving relationship.

And then there is the other type.

These are couples where the dom wants to watch his submissive with another woman, or a couple, or for whatever reason finds his sexual arousal enhanced from such situations.

There is little or no contact with each other except for these events.

The submissive might well find herself involved to show her love for her dom, or because she's promised to do anything, etc.

The risk for her is mostly the emotional damage done to her.

I will discuss that concept in the "On Ethics" section.

Mentoring (Training)

By this I do not mean the giving of advice. In that sense "mentor" is just another word for "friend".

We all give and receive advice.

What I mean here are those who, in theory, act as dom for the submissive till she finds "the One" for her.

In theory, he is preparing her for her "One".

In fact, he is doing what he wants with her.

Dressing it up as another "lesson" just makes this more palatable.

He does not point out to her that he is cheating her "One" of the pure joy of being first to share any of this with her.

Nor does he make clear that what he teaches her may have nothing to do with what her "One" wants.

Indeed, what he teaches may make it more difficult for her to share herself with her "One".

By the way, this is another one of those concepts in which the online casual community unites.

All mentors are good. Everyone should get training. People should attend courses.

Thus, those whose sexuality, like their love, is a private matter, are urged to rush into the casual community where such concepts are alien.

Nothing is private in the casual community.

One-Night Stands

This group represents the largest segment of the casual community, online or off.

These are the guys the dating services love, because these are the guys who will use their service to send a note to every woman, five times a day.

These are people desperate for sex, of any kind, any way they can get it.

No one can argue they do not belong in the casual community, because their needs are no different from the rest.

They all want a loveless, temporary, no strings attached, no consequences encounter.

These are the guys who showed up at the munch.

These are the guys who showed up at the public play parties.

These are the guys who are in it for the sex, nothing else.

Just like those who organize the play parties.

The only difference between any of them is what rules do they live by, and what rules will they break to get what they want.

"I can do whatever I want. It's my life."

________________________________________

On Ethics

"Behave towards others the way you would want them to behave towards you, were the situation reversed."

Seems pretty straight-forward, doesn't it?

What about this one?

"Others will behave towards you the way they expect you to behave towards them."

You won't see that one written down anywhere, but it is nonetheless true.

There are those who expect the best in others, and do their best to offer the same.

And then there are those who expect the worst in others, and will do their best to meet their needs anyway they can.

One might generalize these two concepts as "Cooperation" and "Competition".

Cooperation seeks to harmonize relationships so that all may meet their needs and all may benefit.

Competition seeks private profit without regard for the consequences to others.

Each is a paradigm through which each individual makes choices.

The nature of each individual can be determined by their concern for the consequence of decisions to others.

Cooperation demands concern.

Competition scorns it.

________________________________________

The Ethics of BDSM

There is no concept more essential to BDSM than "Consent".

Without consent BDSM is assault, rape, forcible confinement, kidnapping ...

There are no doubts about this. For BDSM to be "consensual" it must depend upon "consent".

But how does one define "consent"?

For some, it is enough to show up at the door.

For others, it requires lengthy negotiations and a signed agreement.

It can be many different things to different people.

As one might expect, those who choose Cooperation and those who choose Competition have very different ways of looking at this.

Cooperation

Because the focus of Cooperation is that all needs are met and all benefit, those who follow this path concern themselves with issues such as competency.

It is not enough to say "Yes". For a yes" to have meaning, it must be the result of an informed consideration from a competent mind.

The individual must understand what they are agreeing to, and must be in a sober, adult state of mind.

This automatically invalidates consent from children, and adults with afflictions that affect their capacity to judge for themselves the consequences of their decisions.

It also invalidates the consent of those who have no idea what they are getting into. If they are unaware of the risks, they cannot make an informed decision for themselves.

Cooperation requires all of these assessments take place, so as to ensure that all will indeed benefit.

And even so, despite all of these precautions, problems can arise.

I will discuss more of that in "Living with Trauma: Cycles of Self-Destruction".

Competition

Because the focus of Competition is personal gain, without concern for the consequences of others, "consent" becomes a vague and nebulous concept.

Whatever definition is applied, it will serve the needs of the one seeking consent, not necessarily the one who gives it.

And this does not apply just to the idea of consent, it applies to all activities.

If one is willing to play fast and loose with consent, what is one willing to do when it comes to limits and safewords?

What about health and safety concerns?

Again, none of these are concerns for the one seeking consent.

His concern is his own personal gain.

He has no concern for the consequences to those he uses to get what he wants.

His is a strictly cost/benefit mentality. The less he can put in and the more he can get out, the better.

This is not an individual who is going to get to know the submissive, whether he gives that appearance or not. He doesn't want to know her. He wants to use her.

As long as she is willing to be used, he is happy. If she becomes unwilling, he will find another.

His concern is only for his own personal gain.

________________________________________

Love and Fear and BDSM

By now it will be obvious that those who focus on Cooperation act from Love. The degree to which they love isn't an issue, they love to some degree to care for the well-being of others.

And because they care for the well-being of others, health and safety risks are minimized, as are the risks that limits and safewords will be ignored.

This approach also recognizes the value of after-care.

Those who focus on Competition act from Fear. Their focus on personal gain without concern for others is a result of their fear they live in a dog-eat-dog world, and that if they don't grab what they want, they will never get it as no one will cooperate and give it to them.

For them it is 'use or be used'.

That some of them can cooperate in casual groups does not alter this.

Dogs hunt in packs yet will fight for the spoils.

Yet Love and Fear do not act on the domly types alone. They also motivate the submissives.

Some submissives give because the Love within them for another inspires them to give.

Some submissives give out of fear that if they don't they will not be loved, accepted, desired.

The one who loves is concerned for how her behaviour benefits another. Cooperation.

The one who fears is concerned for how her behaviour benefits herself (that others benefit is the cost she must pay to get what she wants). Competition.

The consequences for these couplings depends very much on the nature(s) of those involved.

The very best combination (and the one I seek) is a Cooperative Dom with a Cooperative submissive. Both are thinking of the well-being of the other.

The very worst combination is the Competitive Dom with a Competitive submissive. Her need for approval is a terrible weapon in the hands of a selfish dom. Simply by grinding down her self-respect he can make it impossible for her to leave. Those familiar with the symptoms of spousal abuse would recognize this relationship as being very similar.

With either of the other two combinations, there is an opportunity for healing, and an opportunity for abuse.

A Cooperative dom with a Competitive submissive can offer the submissive the experience that helps her overcome her low self-esteem. On the other hand the submissive can be emotionally abusive and drain the dom.

A Competitive dom with a Cooperative submissive has a chance to physically and emotionally abuse the submissive. Her need to heal the pain that caused his fear can lead her to return repeatedly and tolerate much before the abuse reaches a point where she cannot return. On the other hand, her love could be what he needs to turn his back on fear.

To the degree we believe in the best in others we will be inclined towards provide loving cooperation and will expect to find the best in others.

To the degree we believe in the worst in others we will be inclined towards taking what we want out of fear that no one will love us enough to give us what we want.

Love or Fear, we exist under the sway of one or the other.

Never both.

Self-Respect

Self-respect means to have a healthy concern for your well-being: mental, physical, emotional, and for those who believe in it, spiritual.

It means to take care of yourself, embrace healthy choices and reject unhealthy ones.

It means to be truthful with one's self. To be completely candid. To recognize the consequences for one's decisions and to accept responsibility for those consequences. Not just the consequences as they affect you, but also as they affect others involved.

This is not about how others see you. It is not about flattery or delusions of grandeur.

This is about you taking care of you. A quiet, calm, fair assessment.

That which promotes self-respect is healthy.

That which inhibits self-respect is unhealthy.

To the degree one exhibits these qualities is the degree to which one feels self-respect, and thus the degree to which one can feel and express love towards another.

To the degree one lacks these qualities is the degree to which one feels a lack of self-respect, and thus is susceptible to control by Fear.

Abuse

Abuse is the process of inhibiting self-respect.

The more one believes they are deserving of mental, physical, emotional and/or spiritual degradation, the more inhibited self-respect will be, and thus the greater the abuse done.

This is not a natural condition. Babies are not born believing this.

People are taught to believe this about themselves.

Considering we are all born with an aversion to such treatment, shunning away from it being a natural response, the fact someone believes themselves deserving of nothing better is evidence of past abuse.

At some point she was taught to expect no better treatment, to tolerate the treatment she got ... to see herself "deserving" the abuse.

Whether a submissive is predisposed to abuse because of past abuse, or whether she is unable to see that the dom she loves is incapable of giving love back, either in the hands of a Competitive dom will find his needs are met better the more they inhibit their self-respect.

The longer this goes on, the greater the damage done to their self-respect.

Living with Trauma: Cycles of Self-Destruction

As was described in the previous section, past abuse can predispose a submissive to accept more abuse.

This is not inevitable. Love has a healing quality when it comes to abuse.

Whether the love of one person can heal the abuse suffered by another very much depends on the individuals and the degree to which Love and Fear motivates them.

But there is no cure for abuse but Love.

Love helps to restore self-respect.

Love provides a solid foundation from which one can determine what is real, what is flattery, and what is delusion.

Love does not deceive.

But for those who do not find love, and for those combinations of people where the love of one was insufficient to overcome the fears of the abused, there continues this diminished sense of self-respect.

In their need for relief, they seek solace in the arms of others. But in allowing themselves to be used for the sake of the illusion of being desired they further undermine their self-respect.

Some, convinced they are not doing enough to be desirable, seek to go further, casting off limits if need be, ignoring safety concerns and pushing themselves to the brink of extinction, emotionally if not physically as well.

It is a vicious cycle which, if not stopped, eventually leaves the submissive incapable of accepting love, pushing away anything that looks like love.

After so much abuse, she simply no longer believes in it, or no longer believes herself worthy of it.

She may well go to the extreme of only seeking out situations where there is no chance of Love entering her world.

Jaded and calloused, she may even join in the abuse of others.

After so much abuse, the ability to relate to the feelings of others grows numb.

Just as it does for the domly types who abuse others.

________________________________________

________________________________________

The Case for Love

Love strengthens self-respect, in the lover and the one loved.

Love respects consent and the lack of consent.

Love tolerates no deception.

Love is patient and thorough.

Love never places a beloved at risk.

Love delights in the sharing of discovery and exploration.

Love needs no previous experience.

Love heals.

Love has meaning, not just for one night, but night after night after ...

Love isn't lonely.

Love is much more than lust.

Love challenges us to be our best, because it demands of us that we care for another as much as we care for ourselves.

As we would not deny ourselves our best, so too do we not deny our best to those we love.

To be our best we must be willing to grow, to learn, to explore and discover, always respecting our selves and each other.

Love offers all of this to those who have the courage to believe in themselves, to respect themselves, to respect others.

Love offers itself to those who turn their backs on Fear.

Love offers itself to those who choose to be what they were born to be.

Human.

 

[ilikedarlings]

Three cheers for that!
I am one of the luckiest humans ever, for I have loved and been the beloved.
I am very new to bdsm in the sense that even though I am dominant in the sense
of naturally taking the lead role as leader, masculine and courageous I also have a heavy bent towards compassion and empathy.
I have recently been curious about casual bdsm and reading your thoughts has been most enlightening. Many thanks, but considering the importance of this enlightenment you have bestowed on me and very likely many others, saying 'Many Thanks' is a huge understatement .

 

[BLoved]

Three cheers for that!
I am one of the luckiest humans ever, for I have loved and been the beloved.
I am very new to bdsm in the sense that even though I am dominant in the sense
of naturally taking the lead role as leader, masculine and courageous I also have a heavy bent towards compassion and empathy.
I have recently been curious about casual bdsm and reading your thoughts has been most enlightening. Many thanks, but considering the importance of this enlightenment you have bestowed on me and very likely many others, saying 'Many Thanks' is a huge understatement .

I wrote the essay for you and all of those who believe in Love.

There is no love to be found through casual 'bdsm'.

namaste

 

[ImOnIt]

This man is a maniac.

Enter at your own risk.

 

[BLoved]

This man is a maniac.

Enter at your own risk.

Indeed:

Kill yourself.

EDIT: Why you bring this shit to this message board i have no fucking idea.

Cease being a whining fuck (I dont doubt that you are) and sort your shit out. Fucking SORT. IT OUT. You have a blend of deluded, patronising, pseudointellectual ignorance that gets up the collective nose of this messageboard like lines of cayenne pepper, and it does not surprise me one bit that your shit is fucked up (you come across as a maniac)


fuck youuuuuuuu

That was posted to the thread where I announced the end of my relationship.

Be very wary of the casual players/trolls in the BDSM forum.

 

[flesh4fancy]

Sir, in case they ban you I wanted you to know just how much I appreciate reading your words. I've learned more about bdsm from you than I ever learned from the players in the BDSM Forum. Your struggle to be heard has been heroic and I am sure I am not the only one who is grateful to you for sticking it out for so long.

Any woman who gets you would be lucky to have such an honorable man in her life. No one who reads your writing could doubt your sincerity. Your understanding of love is awesome.

Wishing you the best of luck,
f4f

 

[BLoved]

Wishing you the best of luck,
f4f

namaste

 

[BLoved]

If you are a submissive seeking love, you might find A few tips for Submissives questing for a Beloved helpful.

 

[ilikedarlings]

The negative criticism may have it's roots in envy. I do not know if there is a comprehesive definition of the word 'TROLL'.
The bullies both here and on the other thread "A Few Tips..." would be no doubt not admit it of course and so there is no point in attaching that title to them. The comments are a thread's equivalent to being attacked by a street gang.
Perhaps that is part of the definition of 'TROLL' ie 'THUG' and that too is a wide-open word to define in words but everybody knows what it is anyway, so there's no need for definition.
One more thing about online/thread trolling is the variety of direct and indirect tactics that a troll may choose from.
In the end my main question is "Why do they show up?"
I mean besides their all too obvious vindictive small-mindedness, do they just think they have a surplus of time?

 

[fuckmeat]

f4f, with just 3 posts saying how great you are, smells a lot like an alt to me.

If BLoved is a master of anything, it's quoting out of context. Kikori on the other hand, simply directed people to his threads where everything can be read in the context it was posted. He was also a lot more polite than I'm about to be.

The BDSM Talk Forum, as with the rest of the BDSM community, is not comprised solely of casual players. Because those among the community who don't play casually support the rights and choices of those that do, BLoved tars them all with the same brush and announces that he's being vilified. BDSM Talk is a discussion forum. If we all sat around agreeing with each other it'd be incredibly dull. BLoved can't handle criticism of his views, he is like a Bible thumping evangelical when it comes to his narrow minded brand of BDSM relationship. His previous 'beloved,' an apparently psychologically fragile woman who he eloquently describes smothering the shit out of in his threads, ran screaming after just three months. During his time with his beloved, BLoved was such a prolific and combative poster that more than a few people asserted that he couldn't possibly have a R/L partner if he had the time or inclination to spend countless hours arguing with people on BDSM Talk, people he purports to revile as a community. Unable to win through intellectual debate, BLoved opted instead to attack and insult people personally, anonymous people who he knows virtually nothing about. When his beloved 'left him' (or deflated or whatever) BLoved lamented long and loud all over the BDSM forum seeking consolation, from the evil casual BDSMers who apparently hate him (as you would???) for a few days, then dusted himself down and went off cheefully in search of another victim.

BLoved has (by his own admission) been banned from 4 other sites for being an obnoxious, blinkered, bigoted, moron. He spouts infinite quantities of his saccharine BS. He may call it vilification but if the man is ostracised wherever he goes, it either means he's Jesus or it means that 5 online communities (if you count this one) have found him utterly intolerable.

BLoved is not Jesus. He is no woman's messiah.










You still here? Run!

 

[WriterDom]

Anyone who writes stories as lovely as yours deserves a little bump.

Why do you need a woman if you are going to pretend to be one, BLoved? Beware of a love based liar, people.

 

[BLoved]

~smile~

Either I am who I say I am, or I am not.

You have my stories, my posts, and the opportunity to talk with me directly.

Either you will, or you won't.

I can be sure of one thing ... my Beloved will.

That is enough for me to never rest till I find her.

namaste

 

[flesh4fancy]

Why do you need a woman if you are going to pretend to be one, BLoved? Beware of a love based liar, people.

Anyone who has visited BDSM Talk knows it is infested with trolls. I am not as brave as BLoved to use my story-writing name knowing how the trolls will exact their revenge through my ratings.

A friendly "wink" and a bump for BLoved.

 

[fuckmeat]

Anyone who has visited BDSM Talk knows it is infested with trolls. I am not as brave as BLoved to use my story-writing name knowing how the trolls will exact their revenge through my ratings.

A friendly "wink" and a bump for BLoved.

Was there ever any doubt?

Dude, you have zero shame.

 

[WriterDom]

Anyone who has visited BDSM Talk knows it is infested with trolls. I am not as brave as BLoved to use my story-writing name knowing how the trolls will exact their revenge through my ratings.

A friendly "wink" and a bump for BLoved.

You are truly a twisted man, Robert. To keep this sham going.