Okay. I'm with this guy. He is totally amazing, and our sex is great but he has never done anything BDSM. I have done a little and I really enjoy being a sub. Problem is, he has no idea how to be a dom. He says he is afraid of hurting me, and I keep telling him that thats what I want. Every time we start something, if I wince or hesitate at all he loses his nerve and says he cant hurt me. Is it a lost cause? I really want to teach him to be more dominant, but I don't know how. Please help!!
Help! sub trying to get her bf to be a dom
- Thread starter Solaralyn
- Start date
He appears to be afraid of crossing a line he thinks you have, which you most likely do not have. Show him what you want him to do. Ask him to let you dominate him and then show him what and how you want to be treated.
This may not be your comfort level but it may help him to realize that what you are asking is not so bad or as scary as he fears it is.
I am a complete sub but I have found that I enjoy and am quite proficient at taking the dominant role when asked to.
This may not be your comfort level but it may help him to realize that what you are asking is not so bad or as scary as he fears it is.
I am a complete sub but I have found that I enjoy and am quite proficient at taking the dominant role when asked to.
Thanks.
Thanks for the reply. I must admit, I am a terrible dom. I have to be in the right mood, and that usually entails me being really mad (not hard to do if u know how to push my buttons). And even then, if they fight back in any way I lose my nerve and cant continue. I am wondering if it would be a good idea to sit down with him and tell him exactly what I want and what is crossing the line with me. I think if he had a better idea of the boundaries I have he would be more comfortable going towards those boundaries. But I don't know. Like I said, I am a terrible dom and I have no idea how to even approach the subject of teaching him to dominate me like I want him to.
Thanks for the reply. I must admit, I am a terrible dom. I have to be in the right mood, and that usually entails me being really mad (not hard to do if u know how to push my buttons). And even then, if they fight back in any way I lose my nerve and cant continue. I am wondering if it would be a good idea to sit down with him and tell him exactly what I want and what is crossing the line with me. I think if he had a better idea of the boundaries I have he would be more comfortable going towards those boundaries. But I don't know. Like I said, I am a terrible dom and I have no idea how to even approach the subject of teaching him to dominate me like I want him to.
I understand how you feel being in control, I feel like that sometimes as well and have a hard time pushing my wife to the point she desires.
Talking to him and being open and honest about what you want and enjoy is vital to making this work for you two.
Talking to him and being open and honest about what you want and enjoy is vital to making this work for you two.
How?
How do you get over those feelings? Like for me, I can get going pretty well but as soon as they resist or say no, I revert to my naturally submissive nature and can't get out of it. I don't know if it is like that for you, but for me its almost impossible for me to continue if they fight back.
How do you get over those feelings? Like for me, I can get going pretty well but as soon as they resist or say no, I revert to my naturally submissive nature and can't get out of it. I don't know if it is like that for you, but for me its almost impossible for me to continue if they fight back.
DeepGreenEyes
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It's not fair for a strong s to try to shear up the building here, and dominate him. Lit stories, porn, talking, written descriptions: There are other ways to show him what you like.
Netzach
>semiotics?
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And maybe he feels the exact way you do about it.
satindesire
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So give him a safeword.
Tell him, "If I wince, it doesn't mean stop. If I say, "Stop!" that doesn't mean stop. If I say "Fucking bastard, you're hurting me!" That doesn't mean stop. But when I say this safeword, THEN you stop."
He'll feel much more confident knowing that there is a BOUNDARY, which he doesn't know about right now, he'll know how far he can go, and it'll feel much more safe for him to dominate you.
Exactly...read what Netzach said, and then read it again...wise words.
That said, don't forget to listen to your bf in between the talking
Thanks.
Thank you everyone for your replies. I honestly didn't expect to get much of a reply so this is fantastic. I plan on using the safeword approach and to show him some stories that get me going and explaining to him why they turn me on. I realize that I will need to go slow on this one because where as I am an experienced sub, he has never been a dom or done anything beyond hair pulling, light choking and a hard fucking every now and again. I will need to see what his limits are when it comes to this and then adjust my expectations accordingly because the last thing I want is for him to be uncomfortable with what I am asking. With all that said, I will keep everyone posted on the latest developments and post any issues that I have. Thanks again for all the help! Ya'll r the best!
Thank you everyone for your replies. I honestly didn't expect to get much of a reply so this is fantastic. I plan on using the safeword approach and to show him some stories that get me going and explaining to him why they turn me on. I realize that I will need to go slow on this one because where as I am an experienced sub, he has never been a dom or done anything beyond hair pulling, light choking and a hard fucking every now and again. I will need to see what his limits are when it comes to this and then adjust my expectations accordingly because the last thing I want is for him to be uncomfortable with what I am asking. With all that said, I will keep everyone posted on the latest developments and post any issues that I have. Thanks again for all the help! Ya'll r the best!
Black_Bunny
Really Experienced
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Hi Solaralyn
I'm in a slightly similar situation to you in that I am trying to convince my bf to take on more of the dominant role. I wrote him a long letter ("The Letter of Instruction" as he called it) detailing exactly what I needed, why I wanted it, and most importantly why it worked for me.
I explained specifically what I needed him to do if I seemed to be in pain, because his enjoyment was my whole motivation. I really tried to express to him that he is capable of fulfilling my fantasies, and that I need him to push my boundaries and make me grow. I think I explained it well enough to him that he didn't need to worry about feeling guilty, and could think of it more as doing me a favour. I hope this all made sense...?
I'm in a slightly similar situation to you in that I am trying to convince my bf to take on more of the dominant role. I wrote him a long letter ("The Letter of Instruction" as he called it) detailing exactly what I needed, why I wanted it, and most importantly why it worked for me.
I explained specifically what I needed him to do if I seemed to be in pain, because his enjoyment was my whole motivation. I really tried to express to him that he is capable of fulfilling my fantasies, and that I need him to push my boundaries and make me grow. I think I explained it well enough to him that he didn't need to worry about feeling guilty, and could think of it more as doing me a favour. I hope this all made sense...?
subwannabe
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He may come around. Just keep working on him.
...or he'll find out he has submissive feelings as well, and he'll resent her
for trying to push him into a position he doesn't want to be in?
I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad here, but I'm really raising my
eyebrows when I read the posts in this thread.
Netzach
>semiotics?
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Agreed.
Put this shoe on the other foot.
Think about how you would want him to bring it up if he wanted you to be dominant with him. Not that he IS submissive -we don't know. But he has a right to not like what you do, or what you think he SHOULD - no?
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Which of course, is NOT why you would want to dominate someone, right? Domming-- or topping, which I think is really what you want-- is when YOU take pleasure in the pleasure you KNOW you're giving your sub-- or bottom, even though that pleasure looks like pain to other people... Or anyway, that's one version of it. If you read threads here you'll find a lot of other versions of what a Dom is.
This is one of the most coolest things that the BDSM community has developed; it's called "NEGOTIATION." (Here's another good quick overview)
That page has the same list of reading that I always recommend;
These are all "early" books-- but good ones for evah!
You can find them on Amazon...
Solution.
Okay, so last night while I was busy reading over the posts here and looking up things online I got an idea. Why not introduce this to him in the form of a game. (took this idea from a fan fic I read once). I called it the Yes Sir game. We start out playing RPS (rock paper scissors) best two out of three wins. Whomever wins, gets to control the loser. The loser has to do whatever the winner says and if they hesitate or say no they get "punished". The loser also cannot do anything that the winner doesn't give them permission or tell them to do. Since I am TERRIBLE at RPS he is almost guaranteed to win. This way, I get what I want, but he is able to control what happens. I mentioned the game to him and he was excited about it. (all boys are just big kids). So here's hoping that I lose the game, and that he is able to become a little more comfortable with it. It wont be so intimidating to him since he "won the right" to play with me (pun intended). Also I took the advice of several of you and I set up a safety word system, which I could tell calmed him a little since he would know when to stop. I thought it was a good idea. Ya'll may tell me I am insane and that this will backfire, but I gotta try something or I'm going to lose my mind. Thank ya'll again for all your helpful posts. Its nice to know that other people are either going through or have been through my little problem.
Okay, so last night while I was busy reading over the posts here and looking up things online I got an idea. Why not introduce this to him in the form of a game. (took this idea from a fan fic I read once). I called it the Yes Sir game. We start out playing RPS (rock paper scissors) best two out of three wins. Whomever wins, gets to control the loser. The loser has to do whatever the winner says and if they hesitate or say no they get "punished". The loser also cannot do anything that the winner doesn't give them permission or tell them to do. Since I am TERRIBLE at RPS he is almost guaranteed to win. This way, I get what I want, but he is able to control what happens. I mentioned the game to him and he was excited about it. (all boys are just big kids). So here's hoping that I lose the game, and that he is able to become a little more comfortable with it. It wont be so intimidating to him since he "won the right" to play with me (pun intended). Also I took the advice of several of you and I set up a safety word system, which I could tell calmed him a little since he would know when to stop. I thought it was a good idea. Ya'll may tell me I am insane and that this will backfire, but I gotta try something or I'm going to lose my mind. Thank ya'll again for all your helpful posts. Its nice to know that other people are either going through or have been through my little problem.
midwestyankee
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Rock on.
Update!
So, like I promised, I am providing an update on my situation.
So I went home to see my bf this weekend. We didn't have much time to ourselves because his roommates were home all day Saturday, so we took that time to.. well.. learn? I took Black Bunny's idea and sat down Friday night and wrote him a four page letter detailing exactly what I wanted him to do to me and how I wanted it done. I was hesitant at first because I was worried that he would ONLY do what I wrote in a attempt to please me, but variety is the spice of life so when I handed it to him I made sure he knew that he could add or subtract from anything I had written. Then I left him alone to read it. When I came back he hugged me and told me that he was so glad that I finally found a way to tell him what I want. He told me he was uncomfortable with doing a few things because he really didn't want to hurt me and asked if it was okay if he left those out. I told him that he never had to do something that he wasn't comfortable doing. He smiled and then proceeded to grab me by the hair and told me to go to the bedroom, strip naked and wait for him (as detailed in the letter). Anyway, sparring you guys all the juicy details, my fears were unfounded. I already knew what he would leave out, but what he added, Jesus, it was fantastic. When we were done, I have never felt so close to my partner. And after wards, when we had our clothes on again, he admitted that he had been wanting to try something similar but was afraid I'd say no. Just goes to show that open communication with your partner is key. And I learned something about myself. While I'm fine with teaching my friends how to give better blow jobs or how to make your partner have a mind blowing orgasm, I am completely uncomfortable with telling my partner what my needs are in the relationship, be it sexual or otherwise. But if I can write him/her a note or a text or even a letter, then it isn't as confrontational and I'm much more comfortable with it because I can control what I say. I am missing that filter between my brain and my mouth that tells people what not to say, so if it's in my head, it's out of my mouth. And I know, I sound like an after school special, but this weekend was such an eye opener for me. My bf now wants to try going a little further into D/s. And I promise to keep ya'll updated with new developments. Thanks SO much for all your kind advice and help!!
So, like I promised, I am providing an update on my situation.
So I went home to see my bf this weekend. We didn't have much time to ourselves because his roommates were home all day Saturday, so we took that time to.. well.. learn? I took Black Bunny's idea and sat down Friday night and wrote him a four page letter detailing exactly what I wanted him to do to me and how I wanted it done. I was hesitant at first because I was worried that he would ONLY do what I wrote in a attempt to please me, but variety is the spice of life so when I handed it to him I made sure he knew that he could add or subtract from anything I had written. Then I left him alone to read it. When I came back he hugged me and told me that he was so glad that I finally found a way to tell him what I want. He told me he was uncomfortable with doing a few things because he really didn't want to hurt me and asked if it was okay if he left those out. I told him that he never had to do something that he wasn't comfortable doing. He smiled and then proceeded to grab me by the hair and told me to go to the bedroom, strip naked and wait for him (as detailed in the letter). Anyway, sparring you guys all the juicy details, my fears were unfounded. I already knew what he would leave out, but what he added, Jesus, it was fantastic. When we were done, I have never felt so close to my partner. And after wards, when we had our clothes on again, he admitted that he had been wanting to try something similar but was afraid I'd say no. Just goes to show that open communication with your partner is key. And I learned something about myself. While I'm fine with teaching my friends how to give better blow jobs or how to make your partner have a mind blowing orgasm, I am completely uncomfortable with telling my partner what my needs are in the relationship, be it sexual or otherwise. But if I can write him/her a note or a text or even a letter, then it isn't as confrontational and I'm much more comfortable with it because I can control what I say. I am missing that filter between my brain and my mouth that tells people what not to say, so if it's in my head, it's out of my mouth. And I know, I sound like an after school special, but this weekend was such an eye opener for me. My bf now wants to try going a little further into D/s. And I promise to keep ya'll updated with new developments. Thanks SO much for all your kind advice and help!!
Black_Bunny
Really Experienced
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Yay! So happy for you
PS No need to spare the details...
PS No need to spare the details...
DeepGreenEyes
Whittled
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God, I love a happy ending.
And I do appreciate your concern, but, really, I think it would give you some needed closure regarding this whole episode if you articulated all the details. For your own good. All of them. Yes.
And I do appreciate your concern, but, really, I think it would give you some needed closure regarding this whole episode if you articulated all the details. For your own good. All of them. Yes.
subwannabe
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great!
Well..
Since you all have been begging for the juicy details I will fill ya'll in, but not right now. I just got called into work. But I promise that tonight when i get off (around 10 EST) I will come and recount my weekend to ya'll, since ya'll were SO nice in asking. I didn't add them in the beginning because, well, I didn't think ya'll really cared about the details, but apparently I was wrong. So if you can wait with baited breathe till a little around 11 EST, you will have all the juicy details.
Since you all have been begging for the juicy details I will fill ya'll in, but not right now. I just got called into work. But I promise that tonight when i get off (around 10 EST) I will come and recount my weekend to ya'll, since ya'll were SO nice in asking. I didn't add them in the beginning because, well, I didn't think ya'll really cared about the details, but apparently I was wrong. So if you can wait with baited breathe till a little around 11 EST, you will have all the juicy details.
