Story Discussion: 5/29/10, Intertwined Fates by Acal

[Acal]

This was my first novel that i've written and I fully intend to get this piece published in the near future hopefully.

Summary: Joy Velasquez's life was the ordinary normal life of an office secretary until her sexy boss Carl Knight seduced her. Who knew having a bit of fun late at night in the office could turn into something so wonderful and great, but also terrifying? Carl and Joy soon find themselves immersed in a fight to save humanity. Carl's slightly un-hinged ex-wife, Miranda, opens a dark ancient portal to gain unstoppable power and unleashes an unspeakable evil onto the world while the royalty of vampires threatened by the hundreds years old prophecy come after them from another side. Torn between two worlds and two fights, they ride a rollercoaster of love, life, death and destruction, all the while, trying to figure out how to stay together. A tale of love, lust, and the fight for humanity.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3
Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6
Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9
Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15
Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18
Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21
Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24
Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27
Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30

Overall its received a score of 4.36, it still has some work to be done on it. The first half of the novel was written when I was first starting out as a writer.

 

[driphoney]

THIRTY CHAPTERS!

I've been gone a while. I need to wade into the baby pool first, I think.

 

[Penelope Street]

The first half of the novel was written when I was first starting out as a writer.

For those who lack the time to read the entire piece, is there any portion you'd prefer to focus on?

 

[Acal]

Not really, I don't care how long it takes really. Just want the whole lot reviewed.

Chapter 18-21 would be best if somebody only wanted to do a short review

 

[driphoney]

Okay. I gave it a go. It's hard jumping into the middle, and vampire tales are not my thing. Having said that, it looks to be a very well thought out story.

Landing in chapter 18, I was quite confused and the similarity between the names Jason and Jake, along with all the "he's" had me scratching my head trying to put the scene together. Had I read from the beginning, that might not have been the case.

I was struck by paragraph's 2 and 3.

Then grasping his boxers she slid them down to his pants. Jake panted and moaned as Kally grasped his aching hardness. Wrapping her tongue around his hard length she was intent on driving him wild with need. Jake grasped her hair as she tortured him mercilessly, Jake cried out in shock and pleasure as she sank her fangs into his hardness.

Drawing streams of raw hot pleasure from him, the pleasure was so intense it was almost painful for him. He yelled out her name fisting his hands through her hair as he exploded in her mouth forcefully. After swallowing Jake's come she continued sucking blood from him until he went limp in her mouth. After she released him he staggered from the intense pleasure that she had just unleashed on him.

That's a lot of pleasure! I do the same thing, it's usually an editor who catches it for me.

You have some punctuation issues. We all have them and it seems petty to point them out. An editor would catch them for you.

Some of your sentences are a little confusing, but I'm not sure if it's due to punctuation or if they need to be reorganized.

Good luck, and thanks for sharing. You've obviously put a lot of work into it.

ETA: How long it takes to go through your chapters does matter, because Penelope usually gives a time period for comment before moving on to the next story, if one is in the queue. It's also true that commenting does continue on even after the next writer has posted a story for comment, but by-and-large, the crowd tends to move on. Even if one chapter managed to get covered a day, that would be 30 days for the whole thing. Not that I'm seeing any crowd of reviewers these days. I think part of the problem is that people want reviews, but don't want to stick around to help others. Eventually, the review crowd grows thin.

 

[PacoFear]

I’ll try doing a post for each chapter. Not sure how far I’ll get. Maybe we can tag team this one gang? When I get tired, maybe someone else can pick up?

I finished your chapter 1. Frankly, It reads a bit clunky to me. I think there’s two reasons for that. My other thoughts beyond the flow issues follow. I’ll beat you up on the nitpickies in the first few posts then move onto larger picture comments as your story develops.

Clunky Reason #1: Use pronouns rather than names
The little intro scene between Markus and Miranda and the sex scene between Joy and Carl both suffer from overabundant use of the character’s names where pronouns will do. In a scene with just two people and especially where there’s two different genders, you just don’t need to use proper names all that much. “He” and “she” reads smoother.

Clunky Reason #2: Too many speech tags
There’s a ton of “Markus said” and “said Miranda” and “whispered Carl” going on. For the same reason you might consider using pronouns, also think about cutting down on speech tags. There’s just two people in the room so it’s fairly obvious who’s talking.

Not a Good Closer for the Opening Mini-Scene
“’Self fulling prophecies always come true," said Markus smiling darkly.”

Sorry, but for me, this a circular thought that rings a little hollow. Or maybe it was the delivery? If it was supposed to be delivered wryly, you might go with something like:

“That’s the beauty of a self-fulfilling prophesy Miranda,” Markus settled back into his chair with a dark half-smile, “it has a way of coming true.”

Adverbs: ick
We all use ‘em too much. I’m a regular offender. But when you get the right verb you don’t need an adverb. Your verb choice is pretty good sometimes but you’re still clinging to a helper adverb like a safety net. Case in point:

“After taking a short break from the endless piles of invoices and customer order forms, Joy trudged wearily back up to her office.”

“Trudged” was perfect here. “Wearily” adds nothing. I’d ditch it.

Use of Conditional Verb Forms
You may have an aversion to the “would” form of verbs for some reason, but they’re the appropriate ones in situations like the one below:

YOURS: “Carl sat in his chair stressing over how Joy will take his advances. Being as tense and irritated as he was, he hoped he wasn't going to blow it. Carl was taken from his thoughts as Joy knocked on his door.”

WITH CONDITIONALS: ”Carl sat in his chair stressing over how Joy WOULD take his advances. As tense and irritated as he was, he hoped he WOULDN’T blow it. His train of thought was interrupted when she knocked on his door.”

A Bit Too Much Head Hopping
You’re doing a fair amount of head-hopping between Carl and Joy, explicitly stating what they’re thinking. Traditional wisdom is that this is bad ju-ju, tending to disorient the reader. The times you did this it seemed unnecessary. You can achieve the same goal indirectly:

“'These audits are going to kill me,' thought Joy she hadn't had much of a night to herself in over two weeks. Joy rubbed her eyes and sighed tiredly as the details on the lists of car parts and machinery ran together.”

This could be better as:

"Joy rubbed her eyes and sighed tiredly. These audits were killing her. The lists of car parts and machinery were beginning to run together."

Improbable Character Reactions
Of all the sins to visit upon readers, for my money, this is the most jarring. When the characters they’re trying to picture in their head do something that doesn’t make sense, it risks dispelling the whole illusion. Here’s one that gave me the willies:

“Carl gasped at the thought of Joy parading in the black scraps of silk.”

Very descriptive but concealing a sizeable character problem. Carl bought Joy the lingerie. (The fact that he bought his employee underwear was an exercise in selective disbelief but, hey, it’s erotica, I’ll give you that one. ) But why, oh why, would he gasp? Again, he bought it. That means he drove to a store. He went into the store. He shopped for it. He pictured her in it while he selected it. He paid a clerk money for it. Then he took it home. Then he brought it to work. And THEN he gave it to Joy. By now, Carl’s not “gasping.” There’s no surprise to merit gasping.

Watch Your Word Choice
You were having some problems with your descriptive of the lingerie, relying on the same ones too much. Potential synonyms and descriptives for “silk” and “silky” are: slinky, shiny, sheer, thin, slippery, slick, delicate, smooth, exquisite, gossamer, and exotic.

 

[PacoFear]

I read up through Chapter 5 and need a break. Here's my suggestions:

Get thee an editor
You have a collection of bad habits that I don’t want to beat you up about because a decent editor will catch them. If you’re unable or unwilling to find an editor, put your work down for a minimum of a week. Then come back to it. Your issues will jump out at you better. Redundancies and odd constructions like the one below abound:

“On her way home, Joy was ENJOYING remembering the pleasures she had ENJOYED with her boss over the evening and thinking how his wife could have been foolish enough to let him get away.”

Iffy Dialog
There’s a fair amount of stilted, unnatural dialog. Here’s an odd bit from Ch. 04 that was kind of heavy-handed for my tastes.

"Don't worry my love. Everything will work out eventually. We always get what we want because we are very, very patient," said Markus

"I still don't understand how you can be so patient," said Miranda

"Darling, when you have been around for as long as I have you learn proper patience," said Markus.

He’s a vampire. They live a long time. Ergo, he’s patient. The dialog beat this otherwise subtle little character point to death.

There’s unnatural sexual dialog too: “Carl!... lick my pussy.. make me come PLEASE!"

It’s fair to say that women outside of porn movies do not request that act using those words. Something like the following rings more true to life, “Lick me, please” or “lick right there, please.” Also, caps are bad. Don't use 'em.

Overall Impressions on Ch 01-05:
This may be an ambitious piece in terms of size but there were enough flow and word choice and grammar problems that you lost me by Chapter 5. There’s pacing issues here too. The plot just isn’t moving fast enough. At Ch. 05, I realized I was just skimming because I wanted to see some of your ideas without getting hung up in your words. That is just, well, never where you want to be as an author.

The good news is that all of your hard work has provided you with a ton of raw material here; like the rough outline of a sculpture. It's a good analogy because this just doesn’t feel like a finished work. Now’s the time to dig into your story and do the artistic part – the whittling and carving and tweaking that could make this thing great.

Hope this helps,

-PF

 

[PacoFear]

Oops, one more thing: verb tenses. You're switching from past to present in a few places. A decent editor or simply a fresh and careful read would catch those.

 

[Acal]

Thanks Paco, I guess I should have suggested to move forward a bit because Chapter 6 is where things actually start moving. As I mentioned the first parts was when I first started writing and I always intended to go back and edit the beginning because I know it is slow and would probably do with some cutting out.

And you pretty much confirmed what i have been thinking of the first few chapters anyway. But please continue reading

 

[PacoFear]

Whookay, I skipped into the later chapters as you suggested and read 18-21. To be honest, I'm not finding this an easy read. The subject matter generally isn't throwing me off because I happen to enjoy vampirey things on the whole.

Let me take a step back here and ask you if there's some particular aspect of this thing that you're looking for feedback on. Are you hoping for comments on larger issues like plot, character development, pacing, etc.? Or are you more interested in thoughts on refining the craft of the later chapters (which you said you like more) perhaps as a template for what to keep in mind when you swing back to clean up the earlier chapters?

The point of my questions is this: I don't want to keep pointing out shortcomings that you're not interested in hearing about. It's time consuming on my end and non-productive/cruel on yours. Cruelty is for vampires. Not fellow writers.

-PF

 

[Acal]

Whookay, I skipped into the later chapters as you suggested and read 18-21. To be honest, I'm not finding this an easy read. The subject matter generally isn't throwing me off because I happen to enjoy vampirey things on the whole.

Let me take a step back here and ask you if there's some particular aspect of this thing that you're looking for feedback on. Are you hoping for comments on larger issues like plot, character development, pacing, etc.? Or are you more interested in thoughts on refining the craft of the later chapters (which you said you like more) perhaps as a template for what to keep in mind when you swing back to clean up the earlier chapters?

The point of my questions is this: I don't want to keep pointing out shortcomings that you're not interested in hearing about. It's time consuming on my end and non-productive/cruel on yours. Cruelty is for vampires. Not fellow writers.

-PF

I know exactly what is wrong with it, the flow is pretty disjointed in places. It was in line to be published with a publishing house so I thought that their editors would have helped but obviously not who also turned out to be frauds.

What I want from this is an overview basically. Plot and pacing is what i'm most interested in, I realize its pretty adventurous having more then two lines running at the same time I just want a review on the flow of the story the plot and any character development issues. I want it to be brutally honest as well so I can go back and fix it with what is suggested. I've become quite a bit more competent since I wrote this novel and it is intended to get published some day.

 

[PacoFear]

I know exactly what is wrong with it, the flow is pretty disjointed in places. It was in line to be published with a publishing house so I thought that their editors would have helped but obviously not who also turned out to be frauds.

Not to be unkind, but you're missing where I'm going here and that's the second time you asked for candid feedback so, well, it's cards on the table time...

There are more than flow issues with this thing. It is simply unpublishable. Anyone that told you different also trotted out something that sounded suspiciously like a publication fee schedule. We call these nice folks "vanity publishers" and they prey on people that dream of seeing their name in print. C'mon Acal, don't be that guy. You're smarter than that.

While we're at it, I'm also troubled by your comment suggesting that you're miffed at the lack of an editor's help. Seriously, we can't rely on a publisher to make what we write better. The reality is that scrub authors like you and me don't get a real literary editor for plot and character punch up. Those guys get paid retarded amounts of money for their time because they are incredibly valuable.

I also just looked back at your last Story Circle posted story and there are parallels to be drawn between Samhain's Fire from just a few months back and this one: both have a few interesting ideas buried in sloppy, inartful writing that is painful to read in precisely the same ways.

If there are flaws in your writing, please man up and own them. Don't duck behind an "ah yes, of course, I saw that issue too, but it's okay because I wrote this awhile ago and I'm a far superior writer now." Two points make a line. We have the measure of where you're at, but, and this is important, it's okay. It's not a sin to be trying to figure this stuff out. That's why most of us are here. I write erotica because I enjoy writing and because it provides an automatic and fairly appreciative audience. Frankly, this is an incredible venue to work out the kinks of writing a story. The price is sprinkling enough nooky in to keep the folks interested.

My flat-out candid advice? Quit it with the epics. You either lack the skillset to maintain a prolonged narrative or the focus required to apply the skillset, I just can't tell which. At this stage, I'd say smaller is better. Michelangelo didn't just pick up a brush one day, wander over to the Vatican, climb some scaffolding, and have at it. He painted a serious ton of shit before he took a crack at the Sistine Chapel.

So for now, work on putting together some solid four, five, maybe six thousand word stories. Put some care into how you're expressing the ideas rattling around in your head. It'll make your readers care too.

Acal, mi amigo, if this was RL I'd grab you by the shoulders, shake you real hard, then give you a hug to show you there are no hard feelings. Go type up something small and tight and awesome. I think you can do it.

-PF

 

[Acal]

Thanks Paco, I was quite certain that it wasn't ready for publication and this is exactly what I wanted to hear. Thank you for your honestly, it really means a lot.

I have actually recently been trying small pieces just a few thousand words and they do come of sounding much better.

Thank you so much for your time and the effort you put into having a fair and unbiased opinion of my work much hugs

 

[GrumpyGamby]

I think part of the problem is that people want reviews, but don't want to stick around to help others. Eventually, the review crowd grows thin.

I had planned to stick around and offer about 1/2 penny's worth, but this story was far too extensive for me to take a bite. I shall have to wait for a request that doesn't ask for such a time investment.

 

[driphoney]

I had planned to stick around and offer about 1/2 penny's worth, but this story was far too extensive for me to take a bite. I shall have to wait for a request that doesn't ask for such a time investment.

Maybe the next time.

 

[Penelope Street]

Not to be unkind, but you're missing where I'm going here and that's the second time you asked for candid feedback so, well, it's cards on the table time...

Thanks, Paco! Fantastic job of being both candid and kind at the same time.

Thank you for your honestly, it really means a lot. ... Thank you so much for your time and the effort you put into having a fair and unbiased opinion of my work much hugs

Thank you, Acal, for being such a gracious host.

If you’re unable or unwilling to find an editor, put your work down for a minimum of a week. Then come back to it.

This is a good idea with or without an editor. And I'd suggest even longer than a week- like a month or two.

How long it takes to go through your chapters does matter, because Penelope usually gives a time period for comment before moving on to the next story...

True, usually about two weeks.

I had planned to stick around and offer about 1/2 penny's worth, but this story was far too extensive for me...

I was hoping to make time for a few chapters in the upcoming week, but perhaps we should consider an alternative in light of the discussion thusfar and the reality that most of us have a limited amount of free time available in the time a discussion usually lasts.

I have actually recently been trying small pieces just a few thousand words and they do come of sounding much better.

So, of these newer, shorter pieces, is there one you believe represents the best of your writing? If so, is there any reason we shouldn't have a look at this piece instead? Sure, it's not something we usually do, but we have another week and it seems to me we might have a more useful discussion if we shift our focus to a smaller, more recent work, instead of continuing to examine an older, lengthy piece with known flaws.

 

[PacoFear]

So, of these newer, shorter pieces, is there one you believe represents the best of your writing? If so, is there any reason we shouldn't have a look at this piece instead? Sure, it's not something we usually do, but we have another week and it seems to me we might have a more useful discussion if we shift our focus to a smaller, more recent work, instead of continuing to examine an older, lengthy piece with known flaws.

As usual, Penny is parachuting in with some much needed common sense.

Acal: if you're up for posting something current, I'll have another go. Don't worry if your current story isn't finished. Actually, it might be more interesting to tinker with if it isn't yet complete.

-PF

 

[Acal]

As usual, Penny is parachuting in with some much needed common sense.

Acal: if you're up for posting something current, I'll have another go. Don't worry if your current story isn't finished. Actually, it might be more interesting to tinker with if it isn't yet complete.

-PF

Well I just loaded up last night a whole bunch of stuff some old stories I never got around to uploading and two new ones

 

[Acal]

The friend I wrote this for said it was better then anything else I had written before. But then my friends have been known to be pretty biased when giving their opinions on my work lol.

===

Let Me Take Care Of You

(Basis = Matthew's best friend and Clara's sister's husband just died)

"I know you're hurting, I’m hurting too," he said passionately to her looking into her eyes. "So let me take care of you, like you’ll take care of me," he continued. Clara closed her eyes and leaned into him, wrapping her arms around her back as he slipped an arm around her back and cradled her head against his neck.

They slowly broke apart Matthew looked at her, locking her gaze with his. He kissed her gently before tugging on her hand leading her to the bathroom. He slid the door shut behind them, he pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor and turned her around to face him. He brushed a hand across her cheek and said, "I love you Clara, I’ll take care of you." He pulled at her shirt and pushed it up as she raised her arms pulling over her head. He kissed her again before lifting his feet up and pulled off his shoes and socks and stripped off his pants and shorts. He rubbed her waist for a moment before taking her shoes off and pulled off her jeans.

He swept his hands up her legs and tugged down her panties then pulled off her bra. He stood facing her and put his hands on her shoulders, "I'll be here for you no matter what," he said. He slid the shower screen open and turned the water on.

She stepped inside and sighed as the blast of hot water hit her, "Is the water fine?" he asked her softly. She nodded as if to say its fine, she really wasn't in the mood to talk. The pain that she felt was coming back on him. He hated seeing her so wounded looking, it sent sharp spears of his own pain running through his body. They needed this time together more than anything. He reached up and pulled the soap off the stand and rolled it through his fingers lathering up his hands he dropped the soap back down and began stroking his hands across her back. Then down her arms, she turned to face him as he pushed her hair over her shoulder.

He brushed his hands over her neck, emotion clogged his throat. Almost everything was wrong right now. He never knew how he could have ever needed somebody as much as he needed this woman in his arms right now. He wet her hair fully as she turned around again, he leaned forward pressing his head against hers and wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing kisses softly down her neck and across her shoulders. "I love you so much Clara," he whispered. Quiet tremors rushed through her, how could she ever deserve such a man after everything she had done? And that he was still with her after everything that has happened amazed her. She leaned back against him and sighed softly feeling him up against her back.

"Show me how much you love me Matthew, I need it so much. I need you," she said turning to him. She pulled him into the spray of the shower and kissed him softly. He looked into her grief stricken eyes, he would do anything to wipe that from her if only for a little while. He pulled her against him as the hot water ran across their bodies. He pushed her against the wall as the water streamed down his back.

He kissed her passionately as he slid inside of her, she gasped her arms wrapping around his back digging her nails in as he slid in and out. The feel of his chest up against hers made her feel more alive then she had in days. The rippling muscles working as they connected, sharing each other's pain. They would get through it together, no matter what faced them they would get through it.

He panted against her neck wrapping his arms around her back as the water sprayed over them. He groaned as the surge of pleasure built up, his head rested against her shoulder while her head did the same. They rolled together, trying to forget their pain loosing themselves in each other and their love for each other. Slowly their rhythm built up as they gripped each other more tightly. They moaned against the sensations as they pulled back slightly and passionately kissed, as the surge reached its apex, crashing over them. They swallowed each other's cries as they hugged each other intensely. He reached out and turned off the water, resting against her panting .

Her hands stroked his back as they came down from the high. He pulled back from her and slid the screen open, helping her out of the shower. He grabbed the towels from the rack and followed her to the middle of the room where he wrapped one around his waist and sat on the floor spreading his legs. She sat down in between his legs and pressed back against his body the rough hairs on his chest rasping her back, sending fine tingles through her. He rubbed the towel over her hair drying the water from it. Then he dried the water from her body. He turned her head and kissed her gently, she got up from the floor and looked at him sleepily as she waited from him to dry the water from his chest and legs and run the towel through his hair. He draped the towels over the rack to dry out.

She reached for his hand as he took it, when they reached the bed he let go for a moment to pull back the sheets. He slid into them and pulled her down with him, he tugged the blankets over them and wrapped his arms around her. "I'll be with you here all the way Clara," he murmured looking into her eyes. "I know, I love you Matthew," she said kissing him gently as she wrapped her arms around him resting her head on his shoulder.

 

[Penelope Street]

The friend I wrote this for said it was better then anything else I had written before.

'Let Me Take Care of You' seems an odd title for a piece written in third person. Is what we see above all there is, or is this just the erotic scene from a longer work?

It's not possible to know if this piece serves its intended purpose without knowing what the specific reader desired, so I'm going to focus on simple craft issues for now.

I'm assuming you wrote this before reading Paco's comment regarding adverbs because there are quite a few littered throughout. Here's a little article concerning adverbs: http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm

There's head-hopping in this scene too. Here's a link to a brief explanation on that subject:
http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewarticle.asp?id=47905

Did you notice eight consecutive sentences beginning with 'He'? I think reading stories aloud helps identify such repetitions. Using the same pattern sentence after sentence tends to give fiction a droning tone, kind of like the lectures from most boring teachers you can remember. Or maybe not remember because they were so boring?

It's difficult to offer anything else without knowing what you intended to achieve with what audience.

 

[Acal]

Thanks, I was worried that it did sound like that. I'll fix those up

Thats basically all I need to know really, just where I go wrong so I know how to fix it.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Sorry for taking so long, but asking for a review of thirty chapters is asking a lot.

Chapter 1.

Why the summary there? As a reader, I would have back-clicked right then and there. You've told me the whole story, why bother with the 30 chapters?

You need to grab the reader within the first few paragraphs and suck them in. And you've failed to do this, there's nothing at all in the first chapter that makes me want to wade throught 29 more chapters.

Carl comes across as being a bit of an ass. He's going to reward Joy for her hard work by allowing her to have sex with him?

At the end of your first chapter there's no real character development, and no real plot development. Why would a reader want to continue?

 

[Amontillado]

Acal,

You've received tons of good advice on improving your prose here; if you're up for it, how about an exercise? Take the suggestions Penny and Paco and the others have given you and apply it to the short story you posted, then repost it.

Some things that jumped out at me are run-on sentences and comma splices. You may want to review some grammar as you revise your story.

But do revise it; that's one of the most common pieces of advice authors give. Revise, revise, revise. It's like the analogy PacoFear gave, about carving a sculpture. In your rough draft, you've hammered out a vague outline of something, but I can't tell what it is. It's like a clunky block of stone that you've carved into the general shape of a man, but with no details.

Which is fine for a rough draft. But if you want to become a more skillful writer, you need to get into the process of revision. Your story isn't finished until you revise it. It isn't even halfway done! Revision is where you take the crude, blocky outline of your vision for a story and carve it into a real, readable story.

And pay extra attention to the beginning. If you make grammatical errors in your first sentence, you can bet that you're gonna lose readers, which is a shame, because it's so easy to avoid. Just put a little more work into it.

-Amontillado

 

[Acal]

Sorry for taking so long, but asking for a review of thirty chapters is asking a lot.

Chapter 1.

Why the summary there? As a reader, I would have back-clicked right then and there. You've told me the whole story, why bother with the 30 chapters?

You need to grab the reader within the first few paragraphs and suck them in. And you've failed to do this, there's nothing at all in the first chapter that makes me want to wade throught 29 more chapters.

Carl comes across as being a bit of an ass. He's going to reward Joy for her hard work by allowing her to have sex with him?

At the end of your first chapter there's no real character development, and no real plot development. Why would a reader want to continue?

Thanks, this is very insightful and will really help me with editing the story, the last three editors i've had have been no help with fixing these kinds of things.

 

[GrumpyGamby]

Chocolate

Well I just loaded up last night a whole bunch of stuff some old stories I never got around to uploading and two new ones

Chocolate
You had me with that one single word! So that's the one I decided to read and comment on. Since you weren't too specific in what you were looking for in terms of feedback, I hope my 1/2 penny worth will do. You had mentioned the flow of the story and the character development in a previous post so I'll comment on those two points.

Character:
In a short story the reader needs to jump on each action and response as a clue to who these characters are. I think you accomplished a good amount of development for the wife; I got to know her well enough. I would like to have know a little more about the husband; was he shocked by this; was this another in a long string of sexy adventurous scenes he enjoyed from a loving wife? Chocolate play is not what one would consider a common or frequent addition to sex, (and with good reason) so a mention of the husband's response would have been good.

Did you ever hear that joke about the working wife who comes home from a long day, tired and dragging? She sees a trail of paper rose petals leading her from the kitchen door, through the first floor, up the stairs, into the bedroom, ending in the bathroom where her husband is waiting; in the tub with two glasses of champagne. She drops her brief case and purse, puts he hands on her hips and say: "Who the hell is going to clean this up?"

Suspended belief or implausibility:

from story "Chocolate" by Acal
"Wow that was amazing baby," said James wrapping his arms more securely around her.

"I know we should do something like this every year for our anniversary," panted Tina.

"Why not more often?" asked James smiling

Because you're making a God-Awful MESS that's why! Maybe I'm too old, spent too long doing laundry for the family, lost my sense of adventure, but all you had to do was spread an old blanket on the bed first. That one little action would have helped me get into this story so much better. Who the hell is going to clean those sheets and the bed spread and how are they going to get the mess off their clothing? Chocolate stains you know?

After I forcefully put those thought out of my head I went back to the story. But found that each time you switched from one action to another, the fact that you didn't mention any chocolate hand prints or smeared chocolate or a simple mention of a towel spread out to catch the mess, it kept me focused on this through out. I reread the story, thinking now that I know this is something I'm being asked to suspend reasonable behavior expectation, perhaps I will be able to get into the flow better. Didn't work for me I'm sorry to say.

Perhaps an ending that wraps up the whole story and explains why she didn't care about the horrible staining of the bedding:

"Why not more often?" asked James.

Tina stood and efficiently rolled up the chocolate smeared bedding with a smirk on her face. "Because we can't afford to purchase all new bedding more than once a year!"

Off to devour my Saturday morning chocolate doughnuts