How to train a sub?

[mikeRotch69]

So I've been getting into being a dom a little. But I was curious, what are some good ways of training your sub. More specifically I was looking for punishments. What sort of things are okay to do to keep a sub inline?

I realize it various from person to person, however some input from the domme's that punish or sub's that have been punished would be great.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

So I've been getting into being a dom a little. But I was curious, what are some good ways of training your sub. More specifically I was looking for punishments. What sort of things are okay to do to keep a sub inline?

I realize it various from person to person, however some input from the domme's that punish or sub's that have been punished would be great.

Thanks in advance.

Punishments aren't used to keep a sub in line.

Her submission to you, your dominance of her, should do that. If they're not, then make a cup of coffee, sit the girl down and work out the state of play.

If you're talking about 'fun' punishments, someone else who knows more about that will probably pipe up, as it's not something I subscribe to.

Real punishment (if you choose to use it, not all do) should be about clearing the slate after a serious infraction. And yes, they're different for different people. Myself, I can handle whatever physical pain, discomfort, distress he can dish out, but the withdrawal of his presence in my day to day life for a period hurts me nearly as much as how much I beat myself up over whatever happened.

 

[CutieMouse]

It isn't uncommon for someone new to BDSM to instantly think "ohhh punishments!" - after all, the vast majority of erotica/porn/etc involves the bad bad subbie getting flogged, right?

But it isn't that simple.

Not all submissives are into spanking/pain/etc.

A submissive who does desire such things can want, request, or possibly even need a spanking/etc - without having done anything wrong.

And then there are women like me, who don't get punished -it isn't part of my relationship dynamics, even though I am a teensy bit of a masochist.

So are you asking about hot fun-time "punishment", or are you talking about genuine punishment for doing something outside the agreed upon dynamic?

ETA - I agree with Lizzy. Thinking of punishment in terms of "keeping her in line" isn't wise. It sets up an unhealthy dynamic, and treats a grown woman as if she were a 5 year old child. It also creates opportunity for a foundation of fear to creep in - negative reinforcement instead of positive reinforcement.

 

[JMohegan]

What do you want to train her to do?

 

[mikeRotch69]

I mean subs who fall out of line. Subs who call me master but do not complete a task given. Unless I keep them in slight fear or dislike of disobeying me, there is not much of a point.

I ask only because it has been requested by some of the women that they want a rough Master sometimes so I was asking what others do.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I mean subs who fall out of line. Subs who call me master but do not complete a task given. Unless I keep them in slight fear or dislike of disobeying me, there is not much of a point.

I ask only because it has been requested by some of the women that they want a rough Master sometimes so I was asking what others do.

There's not much point if it's fear that's making them obey you.

Like CM said, positive reinforcement. They should want to please you because it makes you happy. You being happy makes them happy.

 

[CutieMouse]

I mean subs who fall out of line. Subs who call me master but do not complete a task given. Unless I keep them in slight fear or dislike of disobeying me, there is not much of a point.

I ask only because it has been requested by some of the women that they want a rough Master sometimes so I was asking what others do.

Hmm.

I don't associate being a "rough master" with a dynamic based on slight fear or dislike of punishments/consequences. I mean if that floats your boat... okay, but I think of that sort of things as "funishment" "Oopsies I forgot to do the dishes I guess you'll have to spank me! (Please! Please don't throw me in that briar patch Master!)" In that sort of situation... the "punishment" is whatever the couple thinks is fun.

 

[JMohegan]

I mean subs who fall out of line. Subs who call me master but do not complete a task given. Unless I keep them in slight fear or dislike of disobeying me, there is not much of a point.

I ask only because it has been requested by some of the women that they want a rough Master sometimes so I was asking what others do.

There are plenty of s-types who say they need to fear the D in order to respect him/her. Nothing inherently wrong with that, as long as the dynamic works for you, too.

However, keep in mind that genuine fear is prompted by genuine aversion to the punishment. It's tough to make specific suggestions without knowing the female in question.



.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I ask only because it has been requested by some of the women that they want a rough Master sometimes so I was asking what others do.

Also, if you're just starting out, don't spread yourself thin. If you getting involved *enough* with someone to punish them (as in, more than just casual, because lord knows I wouldn't accept a punishment from a casual play partner if I had one) then get that involved with just one, and explore till your heart's content.

If you want to play with multitudes, then play, but don't expect to get into that sort of a dynamic with them.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

There are plenty of s-types who say they need to fear the D in order to respect him/her. Nothing inherently wrong with that, as long as the dynamic works for you, too.

I hadn't thought of that, but you're right.

 

[Netzach]

I mean subs who fall out of line. Subs who call me master but do not complete a task given. Unless I keep them in slight fear or dislike of disobeying me, there is not much of a point.

I ask only because it has been requested by some of the women that they want a rough Master sometimes so I was asking what others do.

What do you want to do?

Have a discussion about why it wasn't done. Find out if there is actually a good reason, like not having enough information, or the task really pushed a personal limit and freaked her out.

If it's just laziness/oops/don't care enough then -

Does the thought of being the "rough master" that these women want turn you on, or does the thought of just having it done because you said so turn you on?

If you are turned on by being the perpetual corrector of bad behavior, then you can come up with physical punishments that enhance focus that turn her on and worry about whether she's happy or not with your performance. (Not my bag, personally)

If you are interested in getting what you asked for in the first place, fill two glasses of water and make her hold them outward without dropping them for a good long-ass time while you watch TV with her in your peripheral view. Or make her dust with a Q tip. Something really boring and nonsexual and dull with you watching. You can remind her periodically what you wanted done and why it wasn't.

This is what I would consider corrective action - it forges a connection between being inconsiderate and being in discomfort and boredom. It doesn't intimate that she's a bad person, it addresses that she did an unacceptable thing. You could tell her about the fun things she would be doing instead of standing there had she done what you asked for nicely.

 

[JMohegan]

If it's just laziness/oops/don't care enough then -

That's why I have a front door.

Not discounting the rest of your post; just adding to it by mentioning option 3.

 

[Netzach]

That's why I have a front door.

Not discounting the rest of your post; just adding to it by mentioning option 3.

Yeah, to put it more gently, does the disobedience indicate a fundamental incompatibility? Are you being made to do things you don't *want* to do because you are being baited by the behavior into the behavior she wants?

If no, you behave in ways she didn't expect when she provokes you, then good.

If yes and it's OK and fun, then you like being a submissive Top, and her satisfaction makes you happy and drives the relationship.

If you need to be Dominant in your relationships you may need a submissive who's comfortable in her own identity and not gaming around.

 

[infinity706]

It isn't uncommon for someone new to BDSM to instantly think "ohhh punishments!" - after all, the vast majority of erotica/porn/etc involves the bad bad subbie getting flogged, right?

But it isn't that simple.

Not all submissives are into spanking/pain/etc.

A submissive who does desire such things can want, request, or possibly even need a spanking/etc - without having done anything wrong.

And then there are women like me, who don't get punished -it isn't part of my relationship dynamics, even though I am a teensy bit of a masochist.

So are you asking about hot fun-time "punishment", or are you talking about genuine punishment for doing something outside the agreed upon dynamic?

ETA - I agree with Lizzy. Thinking of punishment in terms of "keeping her in line" isn't wise. It sets up an unhealthy dynamic, and treats a grown woman as if she were a 5 year old child. It also creates opportunity for a foundation of fear to creep in - negative reinforcement instead of positive reinforcement.

Well, depending on the relationship, treating a grown woman like a 5 year old can be fun. I'd actually use the word "punishment," too, for making her bend over my knee to get her ass beaten. I'd even put her in time out afterward to show off her cherry red butt and her waxed cunt. I might make her wear a diaper, as well if she can't control herself. I guess that's a totally different thing, though.

 

[RuReal]

Just as a side note floggers do not have to hurt at all. Depends on the flogger in question and what you want out of the flogging.

Is this a punishment based on a mistake in protocol or ritual? Remember punishments are not to be enjoyable by any of the parties involved and should mean something.

I know movies and stories sound great, but reality is a lot different. Spanking in a lot of cases can be a piss poor punishment because then it will be associated with something negative when it can be fun as well.

Also of note remember people learn things in different ways. Schools have recognized that and I think a good Top should as well in order to promote success over failure.

 

[rida]

Let's assume she is indeed submissive.
And let's assume you are indeed Dominant.

Than the question becomes: what do you want out of the relationship and how to go about to get it. I'm assuming that by "training" you mean getting your sub to do what you want the way you want it.

There are different ways to get to that point. For some people positive reinforcement works better. For other submissive they love the taste and smell of fear and love to be kept on their toes. Others need the cleansing feeling they get from hurting to be able to get over their mistakes.

So the most effective training method depends on the submissive at hands.

Just remember though that you cannot make someone that is not submissive become a submissive.

In regard of punishment, often at the beginning PYLs and pyls confuses the idea of pain play with punishment, as if the only reasonable time to deliver pain to your submissive is if she has done something wrong or at least pretend that she did.

Nothing wrong with the above dynamic if both of you are not into pain play per se but rather as a disciplinary measure.

But if you are a Sadist and your submissive a masochist, the pain would hardly count as punishment, isn't it?

 

[eastern sun]

If sexual arousal is the reward, and desired behavior is rewarded with recognition, praise and sexual arousal, then the most effective punishment is a withdrawal of attention until the desired behavior is back in place.

I live with a man who uses high expectations, anger and the threat of violence as punishment. Because he balances it with incredible generosity, humor, intelligence, (dare I say the word) ethics and great sex, it's an environment I thrive in, but not everyone is going to want to live like that or put in as much energy as he does to balance his aggressive nature.

You can also come up with all kinds of punishments that match the crime. For instance, I am on a sugar restriction because I need to lose weight. In the past, I have been required to take multiple std and aids tests for years in a row at my annual gynecological exams (raising all kinds of red flags in a married woman's file) because I did not practice safe sex as directed.

Ask yourself. How severe do you want to be, in the pursuit of sexual pleasure?

 

[YourCaptor]

So I've been getting into being a dom a little. But I was curious, what are some good ways of training your sub. More specifically I was looking for punishments. What sort of things are okay to do to keep a sub inline?

I realize it various from person to person, however some input from the domme's that punish or sub's that have been punished would be great.

Thanks in advance.

A loooooot of beating.

Seriously, even if you work out regularly your arms are gonna get tiered. I recommend switching of arms every couple of hours.

Your beatings will also become more effective if you do it with a blunt object.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Make the consequences of disobedience crystal clear.

 

[Milk_Maid]

It is not the punishment per see, but the psycological...

...aspects of control. Standing is a corner while you watch TV can be as much of a turn on as denying an orgasm or giving a nice spanking for misbehavior. The turn on is the consistency of the punishments----first you must establish rules, negotiate, determine what punishment is appropriate, and consistently apply the punishment(s). Important is being clear about what is unacceptable---you must be very specific. Also, what are your rights---perhaps you can have casual sex with others but your sub may not. And do not forget about rewards. Tell her what a good girl she is (I am a female sub so I m using the feminine pronoun). But sometimes, a non-agreed upon infraction can be a real turn on. You are the Dom--you decide.

 

[Milk_Maid]

It is not the punishment per se, but the psycological...

...aspects of control. Standing is a corner while you watch TV can be as much of a turn on as denying an orgasm or giving a nice spanking for misbehavior. The turn on is the consistency of the punishments----first you must establish rules, negotiate, determine what punishment is appropriate, and consistently apply the punishment(s). Important is being clear about what is unacceptable---you must be very specific. Also, what are your rights---perhaps you can have casual sex with others but your sub may not. And do not forget about rewards. Tell her what a good girl she is (I am a female sub so I m using the feminine pronoun). But sometimes, a non-agreed upon infraction can be a real turn on. You are the Dom--you decide.

 

[naughty Papa]

wow what a nice description maid perfect and i like the last line " a non agreed upon infraction can be a real turn on, you are the Dom you decide"
hmmmm nice i stumbled upon this lovely thread

...aspects of control. Standing is a corner while you watch TV can be as much of a turn on as denying an orgasm or giving a nice spanking for misbehavior. The turn on is the consistency of the punishments----first you must establish rules, negotiate, determine what punishment is appropriate, and consistently apply the punishment(s). Important is being clear about what is unacceptable---you must be very specific. Also, what are your rights---perhaps you can have casual sex with others but your sub may not. And do not forget about rewards. Tell her what a good girl she is (I am a female sub so I m using the feminine pronoun). But sometimes, a non-agreed upon infraction can be a real turn on. You are the Dom--you decide.