Advice for potential new Dom

[mikeRotch69]

Hey everyone,

I've just recently started looking into the D/s lifestyle and trying to decide if it's for me. I see posts my dom's here and I love the power they have over women. I'm a younger male (mid 20's) and I enjoy older women. I love the idea of them doing whatever I say, punishing them sexually when they are bad and just being my dirty little sluts. I've also grown to like tieing women up and teasing them and spanking them and giving them rough sex, however I'm not into hurting them physically unless they like it. I'm also not into latex, and leather, and masochism.

So my questions are, first, am I dom or am I just a typical horny male? If I am considered to be a dom, how do I go about cultivating this side on lit?

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[satindesire]

Hey everyone,

I've just recently started looking into the D/s lifestyle and trying to decide if it's for me. I see posts my dom's here and I love the power they have over women. I'm a younger male (mid 20's) and I enjoy older women. I love the idea of them doing whatever I say, punishing them sexually when they are bad and just being my dirty little sluts. I've also grown to like tieing women up and teasing them and spanking them and giving them rough sex, however I'm not into hurting them physically unless they like it. I'm also not into latex, and leather, and masochism.

So my questions are, first, am I dom or am I just a typical horny male? If I am considered to be a dom, how do I go about cultivating this side on lit?

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

No one can tell you if you're a Dom or not. It's an unquantifiable, like love, only you know when you're in love, etc.

So, what you need to do first is EDUCATE YOURSELF about the BDSM lifestyle. There are many resources you can use, both on this website and out in the Real World, may I suggest the BDSM Library located in the BDSM Talk section of this forum: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=266656

That is a wonderful starting point in your BDSM education.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Satin is right; there are tons of resources out there for you to start with, and most women will be more likely to respond to you after you've gone and learned some things, met people, and so on.

This is rather old school advice, but it is often suggested that potential dom-types try playing on the other side for a while, to get that set of experiences and understand how it feels. You will be better at your own role when you understand just exactly what you're asking of your partners.

Good luck.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Good advice.

What about the experiences you had? Were they were more satisfying than other, more vanilla sex? Why?

Here are a couple of other questions that might also give you a clue:

What are your sustained fantasies?
What porn do you like?
When you jerk off, are the movies in your head usually reruns of dominant themes?

 

[BiBunny]

Hey everyone,

I've just recently started looking into the D/s lifestyle and trying to decide if it's for me. I see posts my dom's here and I love the power they have over women. I'm a younger male (mid 20's) and I enjoy older women. I love the idea of them doing whatever I say, punishing them sexually when they are bad and just being my dirty little sluts. I've also grown to like tieing women up and teasing them and spanking them and giving them rough sex, however I'm not into hurting them physically unless they like it. I'm also not into latex, and leather, and masochism.

So my questions are, first, am I dom or am I just a typical horny male? If I am considered to be a dom, how do I go about cultivating this side on lit?

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Sounds like you like to roleplay. That's fine, but there's nothing in it that's inherently dominant.

 

[BLoved]

Hey everyone,

I've just recently started looking into the D/s lifestyle and trying to decide if it's for me. I see posts my dom's here and I love the power they have over women. I'm a younger male (mid 20's) and I enjoy older women. I love the idea of them doing whatever I say, punishing them sexually when they are bad and just being my dirty little sluts. I've also grown to like tieing women up and teasing them and spanking them and giving them rough sex, however I'm not into hurting them physically unless they like it. I'm also not into latex, and leather, and masochism.

So my questions are, first, am I dom or am I just a typical horny male? If I am considered to be a dom, how do I go about cultivating this side on lit?

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Mike, reading through this I can't help but notice you have described women as essentially sexual playthings which you can use for your amusement.

I see nothing here about treating women as people and respecting the fact they too have needs, not the least of which is respect.

Unless it is your intent to abuse those with low self-esteem, I suggest you reconsider your involvement in bdsm at this time. And if that is indeed your intent, I really recommend that you reconsider.

My first experience with bdsm was when I was around your age, almost 30 years ago now. I was in love, and the lady whom I loved was very open-minded. We explored bdsm together, with love and respect.

Love and Respect

First and foremost, bdsm is a tool for expressing love and respect.

The more challenging and difficult the service rendered, the more love and respect is shown, and the more undeniable that love and respect becomes.

Society has long recognized that only true love will endure all things, overcome all things. This is the mantra of a slave: to endure and overcome, as a gift of love and respect to her master.

Society has also long recognized that true love demonstrates itself through the care and compassion we display when nurturing another. This is the mantra of the master: to nurture and care for the needs and aspirations of his slave.

This is the master/slave paradigm. The slave to endure and overcome, the master to nurture with care and compassion.

A slave has a very deep-seated need to express her love in tangible, undeniable ways. This can lead to some pretty extreme forms of expression. She needs to feel challenged so as to feel she has accomplished something tangible and undeniable. Her sole focus is to give her love to the master she has chosen, with no thought for herself. She becomes a specialist at giving.

A master must complement and complete the slave. For the slave to give, there must be a master who receives yet never takes.

The challenges a master faces are varied. He is responsible for making decisions that affect not only himself but his slave as well. He must find ways that are safe, yet challenging for his slave to express her love in tangible and undeniable forms.

This may sound easy but try living it 24/7 and keeping it relevant to a slave's current level of growth. A master must have a constant, almost psychic sense of his slave's state of mind.

Thus a good master is highly communicative and always interested in the thoughts and feelings of his slave.

A true work of art, for a master, is to possess the happiest slave on Earth.

Thus, abuse and disrespect are out of the question, just as an artist would not slash a canvas he intended to use for his masterpiece.

I mentioned before that a master "receives", not "takes". The gift that is freely given through love and respect is more highly prized than the treasure taken through force.

For with the gift comes the love and respect, both affirming the master's love for his slave and his understanding of her needs and aspirations.

To take by force is to lose the gift, the love and the respect.

Thus a master must be on guard against his own tendencies to allow his power to corrupt him. For a slave gives great power over herself to her master, and it is very tempting to abuse that power through either intention or neglect.

Only the master who focuses on his love for his slave can navigate those waters safely. Only one who is observant, thoughtful (as opposed to irrational) and virtuous will consider the needs of his slave before his own and thus keep all activities within acceptable limits of safety.

I said earlier that a slave does not think of herself. This is to allow herself to focus solely on giving her love to her master.

A master must always keep in mind how vulnerable is his slave. He must think of her needs for her, for she is only thinking of his.
In this way they complement each other.

A master must think of the health of his slave, that she eats well, sleeps well, obtains exercise and pleasure, that her mind is stimulated.

And he must demonstrate his love in other, more direct ways: encouragement, support, acknowledgment of accomplishments and respect for all she does for him. Being open and honest with his affection, not robotic and mechanically heartless or unemotional.

I've been asked why more M/Ds don't see their bdsm the way I described earlier.

Doesn't it seem more reasonable that a master who treats his slave with love and respect will get better results than one who treats her abusively and without respect?

I agree.

But consider the qualities I've described.
Not exactly something one is likely to find very often.

It is much easier to master the skills of the whip and crop than to train heart and soul to be sensitive to the subtleties of nuance, tone and body language.

And flashier at the 'play parties'.

It is unfortunate that so many see technique trumping the heart and soul of bdsm.

A master is like a dedicated teacher, like a devoted parent. Not just anyone can do this, and most don't.

For to properly master another a master must master himself. Like any good parent, a master must ignore the dictates of ego so as to shine the limelight on his slave's accomplishments, to illuminate her contributions to their domestic bliss.

A master's accomplishments, if done well, are almost always unrecognized and unnoticed, just as a parent's suggestions will inspire a child to achieve growth.

A master's true accomplishment is the growth of his slave. It is in her and through her that his work shines. We do not see DaVinci's skill with painting except through the masterpieces he left after he was done.

So it is with a master and his slave. Her accomplishments are in part his, for he creates the milieu within which she learns to accomplish her miracles.

They each bring out the best in each other.

Yin' yang - the harmonious balance of opposites.

 

[Bette_coquette]

Tl;dr.

 

[MisterSir]

Tl;dr.

I love you, new poster, I hope you know that.

 

[satindesire]

Just remember this, Mike. There are as many "kinds" of BDSM relationships as there are fish in the sea.

One person's definition of BDSM may not be yours. And vice versa.

Please take ALL advice with a grain or two of salt and remember, your mileage may vary.

 

[BLoved]

Just remember this, Mike. There are as many "kinds" of BDSM relationships as there are fish in the sea.

Indeed.

Rapists, predators and abusers can call what they do "bdsm" and some would have us believe we must respect their definitions.

One person's definition of BDSM may not be yours. And vice versa.

See what I mean?

Please take ALL advice with a grain or two of salt and remember, your mileage may vary.

It really depends upon whether you want to abuse people, or not.

BDSM is not abusive, when based on love.

When based on selfish ego-gratification ... well, that's another story.

 

[intothewoods]

Indeed.

Rapists, predators and abusers can call what they do "bdsm" and some would have us believe we must respect their definitions.



See what I mean?



It really depends upon whether you want to abuse people, or not.

BDSM is not abusive, when based on love.

When based on selfish ego-gratification ... well, that's another story.

So now you are suggesting that any type of bdsm relationship other than yours is rape or abuse??

What about couples who are in a love-based monogamous relationship but who aren't M/s as you described above? What about non-lifestyle couples who just like the occasional s&m in their sex life?

satin said there are many kinds of bdsm relationships, and you immediately go to rapists, predators and abusers. There are plenty of people who have some form of bdsm in their relationship and have nothing to do with the public scene. Some of them post here, but there are also people who don't have any interest in bdsm online forum sites either.

Good grief.

 

[satindesire]

Don't bother trolling me, Blardo, you've already been dismissed by the community as a WHOLE as a useless waste of self-important air.

I find it damn sad you don't have anything better to do than shove your snot nosed opinion up everyone's ass.

So now you are suggesting that any type of bdsm relationship other than yours is rape or abuse??

Yes, that is EXACTLY what s/he's suggesting.

What about couples who are in a love-based monogamous relationship but who aren't M/s as you described above? What about non-lifestyle couples who just like the occasional s&m in their sex life?

Don't bother with logic on this one, padawan. The midichlorians abandoned ship for less stinky waters.

satin said there are many kinds of bdsm relationships, and you immediately go to rapists, predators and abusers. There are plenty of people who have some form of bdsm in their relationship and have nothing to do with the public scene. Some of them post here, but there are also people who don't have any interest in bdsm online forum sites either.

Good grief.

Again, with the logic. This dimwit has so utterly convinced him/herself that HIS/HER relationship is the ONLY relationship on the planet that's "healthy". You're not going to convince it no matter how intelligent, calm, and rational you are.

 

[RuReal]

One other comment to add to some of the advice you have here is find your local BDSM community. Unless you are in a pretty small city chances are there is a BDSM group located there. Seek them out go to a munch talk to the people. Online is a great start but the information can be confusing and you sometimes get peoples point of views more than what is really occurring.

Nobody else can tell you if BDSM is for you or what your role is in the life style. Anyone who says otherwise should be looked at and questioned. This stands true in your local community as well. They are there as a guide not to tell you what to do or how to think. Try to keep that in mind and enjoy all of the great people out there both young and old.

I tend to find most communities seem to be lurking around on the net. There is a website that you can find that a lot of communities seems to have If you are interested PM me and I will provide you with a general site where you can try to find your local community.

 

[BLoved]

satin said there are many kinds of bdsm relationships, and you immediately go to rapists, predators and abusers.

Whenever anyone insists we must respect everyone's definition for "bdsm", I point out that rapists, predators and abusers have their own definitions for "bdsm".

Without any ethical standards to define bdsm, anyone can use the acronym to define anything as "bdsm" ... even rapists.

 

[WriterDom]

Whenever anyone insists we must respect everyone's definition for "bdsm", I point out that rapists, predators and abusers have their own definitions for "bdsm".

.

Not true. But rapists, predators and abusers can have their own definitions for "love," and can target that love at someone with low self esteem. For predators and abusers, this is pretty much textbook on how they operate. And they isolate their victims. "Don't listen to all those "casual" people, only I speak the truth. And you don't need your own screen name when you can post under mine. The only thing those "casual" people want to do is take you away from me, anyway."

And I'm not saying you are one, Biloved, you might be completely honorable in your relationship. But millions have been victimized by casual "love". It's far more dangerous than what you pulled out of your ass about bdsm.

Hundreds of threads in this little forum over the years about abuse, safety, and acting responsible, and you claim to be here over concern for safety, but all your threads seem to be about one thing. You.

And we are sorry your stories got down-rated. Very few people in the forums read many stories. I'm sure that was done by casual readers and no one here. There are after all almost 17,000 bdsm stories posted on this site. I would have liked to have read them. Too bad you censured yourself. And demanded they be taken down immediately when you must have seen it took a week to 10 days to get them posted to start with. Immaturity perhaps?

But here you are neck deep on a casual site again at 4:30 in the morning. So much for the honeymoon with your beloved. Oh, wait a minute, you haven't actually married her, have you?

 

[intothewoods]

Whenever anyone insists we must respect everyone's definition for "bdsm", I point out that rapists, predators and abusers have their own definitions for "bdsm".

Without any ethical standards to define bdsm, anyone can use the acronym to define anything as "bdsm" ... even rapists.

No, she never insisted that we all respect all forms of bdsm that fall into the definition. Only that it's a big umbrella term.

And you never answered my question -- are the other forms of bdsm that I described rape or abuse?

 

[RuReal]

Whenever anyone insists we must respect everyone's definition for "bdsm", I point out that rapists, predators and abusers have their own definitions for "bdsm".

Without any ethical standards to define bdsm, anyone can use the acronym to define anything as "bdsm" ... even rapists.

BLoved what knowledge do you have of rapists or predators to claim that they are calling it BDSM? Some of them call it love, and dating as well, but we all know it is not so. I do not see how you or anyone is qualified to state what is and is not BDSM based. Next you will try to define individual items as kink and not kink.

To be blunt who defined you as the judge? He in no way stated that what he is doing is not ethical and to note people do consensual non consensual scenes that could look like what this person described.

 

[BLoved]

BLoved what knowledge do you have of rapists or predators to claim that they are calling it BDSM?

I have spoken with many victims over the years.

Some of them call it love, and dating as well, but we all know it is not so.

And we know this because we judge situations/encounters/relationships according to standards which we associate with love.

To be blunt who defined you as the judge?

We are all judges.

How else do we distinguish between rape and consensual sex?

How do we distinguish between abuse and non-abusive situations if we do not apply a standard to the behaviour and judge whether the behaviour matches the standard?

If you wish to argue that we should not judge, then you are asking that we not apply any standards to behaviour, which thus justifies a rapist's claim that what he does is nothing more than "bdsm".

I do not subscribe to that argument.

If words like "rapist", "predator" and "abuser" are to have meaning, standards must exist which define those terms. When we establish standards to define those terms, and apply them to real-life situations, we are, in fact, judging others.

 

[BLoved]

No, she never insisted that we all respect all forms of bdsm that fall into the definition. Only that it's a big umbrella term.

And I was pointing out the problems with a "big umbrella term".

By refusing to set standards as to what is and is not "bdsm" the door is opened for anyone to claim anything and everything is bdsm, including rape and abuse.

And you never answered my question -- are the other forms of bdsm that I described rape or abuse?

I rather thought it obvious.

"What about couples who are in a love-based monogamous relationship but who aren't M/s as you described above? What about non-lifestyle couples who just like the occasional s&m in their sex life?

"There are plenty of people who have some form of bdsm in their relationship and have nothing to do with the public scene. Some of them post here, but there are also people who don't have any interest in bdsm online forum sites either."

Assuming these examples are referring to people who do not involve others in their intimacy, I see no reason to consider any of these examples as "rape" or "abuse".

 

[WriterDom]

And I was pointing out the problems with a "big umbrella term".

By refusing to set standards as to what is and is not "bdsm" the door is opened for anyone to claim anything and everything is bdsm, including rape and abuse.



I rather thought it obvious.

"What about couples who are in a love-based monogamous relationship but who aren't M/s as you described above? What about non-lifestyle couples who just like the occasional s&m in their sex life?

"There are plenty of people who have some form of bdsm in their relationship and have nothing to do with the public scene. Some of them post here, but there are also people who don't have any interest in bdsm online forum sites either."

Assuming these examples are referring to people who do not involve others in their intimacy, I see no reason to consider any of these examples as "rape" or "abuse".

New rule.

Bloved isn't allowed to give relationship advice. Ever again.

 

[intothewoods]

And I was pointing out the problems with a "big umbrella term".

By refusing to set standards as to what is and is not "bdsm" the door is opened for anyone to claim anything and everything is bdsm, including rape and abuse.



I rather thought it obvious.

"What about couples who are in a love-based monogamous relationship but who aren't M/s as you described above? What about non-lifestyle couples who just like the occasional s&m in their sex life?

"There are plenty of people who have some form of bdsm in their relationship and have nothing to do with the public scene. Some of them post here, but there are also people who don't have any interest in bdsm online forum sites either."

Assuming these examples are referring to people who do not involve others in their intimacy, I see no reason to consider any of these examples as "rape" or "abuse".

Ok, well this explains why you have no clue or don't care that your writing is completely inflammatory.

There is no seal of good housekeeping for bdsm.

 

[BLoved]

New rule.

Bloved isn't allowed to give relationship advice. Ever again.

Considering the number of hijacks, I have to ask:

When did this become a "new" rule"?

 

[BLoved]

Ok, well this explains why you have no clue or don't care that your writing is completely inflammatory.

There is no seal of good housekeeping for bdsm.

That depends upon the ethics (or lack thereof) applied to bdsm.

 

[RuReal]

I have spoken with many victims over the years.



And we know this because we judge situations/encounters/relationships according to standards which we associate with love.



We are all judges.

How else do we distinguish between rape and consensual sex?

How do we distinguish between abuse and non-abusive situations if we do not apply a standard to the behaviour and judge whether the behaviour matches the standard?

If you wish to argue that we should not judge, then you are asking that we not apply any standards to behaviour, which thus justifies a rapist's claim that what he does is nothing more than "bdsm".

I do not subscribe to that argument.

If words like "rapist", "predator" and "abuser" are to have meaning, standards must exist which define those terms. When we establish standards to define those terms, and apply them to real-life situations, we are, in fact, judging others.

Actually we are not all judges that is why there is a legal system. I can tell you how I think you should live your life, but besides it being rude I have no way of imposing my wishes on you nor should I be able to.

As someone in a very fun large BDSM community I will say that those who belong tend to stick around and do well while those who do not are ignored. If someone breaks a legal law then steps are taken other than that we do not seem to bash each other on how we live our kinky lives.

Using words such as rapist, predator and abuser are a very harsh thing to do without proper facts or information. I will reach back to my youth where we had a rape victim visit my high school class and give her opinion on what was right and wrong to feel. She claimed that anyone who even thought about tying a woman up or treating a woman certain way needed help and should go and see a doctor. It took many years and lots of growing to fully figure out how wrong she was. There is such a thing as consent and that is a very important point to all BDSM play.

I have a very good friend that has been abused and her view point tends to differ a great deal from yours. The person who abused her claimed he loved her and kept claiming it. Most abusers that I have run into are not into BDSM as the practice requires a great deal of self control. Most abusers seem to have large failings in that regard as well as a large lack of confidence.

Rapists are an interesting thing did you know that most rapist are not even able to attain an erection and that rape is more about power than it is about actual sex. Rapists, predators and abusers are missing one key element consent.

With consent this whole thing shifts. Things that look like abuse are not so and there is such a thing as rape play. Now I did not mention anything about Safe or Sane and considering some people in todays world I probably should not do that. In the posters case if he seeks out help I am sure he will learn all of that and more.

Side note I live in Ontario as well BLoved and know people who play all over. So far I do not see a lack of caring or love. In fact they are the most affectionate and loving people I have met to date. The love and community that one feels is something that I have never experienced before. I guess my question is where are you running into all of this failure because I do not see it in my community?

 

[intothewoods]

That depends upon the ethics (or lack thereof) applied to bdsm.

No, it actually doesn't. When Good Housekeeping gives its seal of approval to a product, you know it's gone through some standard set by a neutral body. A group of experts. You are one person. I am one person. There is no bdsm-equivalent to Good Housekeeping magazine.