Taking Financial Control

[unknooown]

I'm interested in doing this with my soon-to-be fiancee. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Given that she's stubborn and independent as hell, and that in the coming months I'll be traveling a lot for my job, the control will likely have to be simulated.

She has a decent paying full time job and her paychecks are deposited directly into her account. However, for as long as she and I have lived together, I have handled all the financial responsibility, which has caused a number of fights. Recently I've started paying off her student loans and shit more or less hit the fan when she found out. We've since gotten past it (I told her to fucking drop it or I'd clock her), but it makes me think that perhaps this transition may not be so easy.

For now I'm thinking this:

-She keeps her own bank account, but gets rid of her debit card so when she wants to take her own money out she needs to go to the bank in person.
-I'll open up a joint account for the two of us, where I'll deposit 30-50% of my monthly paychecks. She will have a debit card for this, but I would be notified whenever it's used. Ideally she would ask me for permission before using it, but I know better than to expect that from her. She would sooner tell me to fuck myself.

When we get married I would like for her to get rid of her personal banking account. Is that a normal thing that people do? I'm not even sure. My mother never had her own account -- she always shared one with my father, but they were married young. I'm 25 and my girlfriend is 24 -- still young, but older than my parents were.

And, over time, I'm obviously hoping to tighten the reins a bit (har har -- horse humor) on her. The amount she spends isn't an issue, I just want her to have to ask for it. Part of me thinks I could pull that off just by telling her "this is the way things will be from now on" -- but the other part of me thinks that will not be successful.

 

[Netzach]

This is extremely hot and sexy but usually better left to people who have developed really good financial habits at some point in their life. The "if you are hit by a falling 2 ton monty python weight" issue being the reason I say this.

I think the debit card thing is a good way to start playing with it, but I'm unsure that having someone with no account in their name and no independent credit history is something you want to do to someone else, just in case.

Personally, neither of us are financially the most talented of people so I've kept our finances completely separate. I don't want to be saddled if he pulls a stupid and I don't want him to be saddled if I do. We do pay for things together out of that money and I have definitely put down the "hell no you are not buying that" foot.

 

[subish2009]

This is extremely hot and sexy but usually better left to people who have developed really good financial habits at some point in their life. The "if you are hit by a falling 2 ton monty python weight" issue being the reason I say this.

I think the debit card thing is a good way to start playing with it, but I'm unsure that having someone with no account in their name and no independent credit history is something you want to do to someone else, just in case.

Personally, neither of us are financially the most talented of people so I've kept our finances completely separate. I don't want to be saddled if he pulls a stupid and I don't want him to be saddled if I do. We do pay for things together out of that money and I have definitely put down the "hell no you are not buying that" foot.

Agreed. It's crazy hot in theory, but I have to agree with N. There are countless stories of women whose husband's controlled the finances exclusively their entire lives, then passed away and the woman was left CLUELESS as to how to handle things, where the money was, how to access it, how MUCH there was or was not, etc.

Perhaps you could require her to ask your permission for discretionary money, but keep both of you involved in the bill-paying, savings, etc., so at least she retains some knowledge of what's what?

 

[kittyn_]

Honestly, I'd make sure you're actually as finacially responsible as she is, or preferably more than she is, before even considering asking her to close her account or open one with you. I know I will not put my husband on anything involving a bank or loan with me, and don't like being on anything of his. Yes, he may be the dominant partner, but someone needs good credit and a bank account, and since he forgets buying things, I'm NOT dealing with his overdraft fees.

As for the debit card thing, again, think carefully. Want to get a phone call in the middle of the night "I forgot to get money out for gas and now I'm stuck at location X"?

 

[CutieMouse]

Curious question -

Why do you want to take financial control of her? What your motivation behind her having to ask to spend money?

 

[rosco rathbone]

The sooner you get her accustomed to having no financial say, the better.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I don't want to be saddled if he pulls a stupid and I don't want him to be saddled if I do.

I go on the principle that someone with no money can't get into trouble.

I am a financial control freak.

 

[eastern sun]

I have no separate bank account, and all of my money is deposited into a joint account. He maintains a separate account and deposits money into the joint account as necessary.

Because I am more responsible in taking care of details, I am in charge of paying bills from the joint account, and ask for money when necessary. Though I am wholly dependent, and have no money of my own, I do not feel either clueless or childish.

And I do like the feeling that I would be left high and dry without him. It keeps me on my toes.

It's important to take into account each of your strengths and weaknesses in putting together a life plan. Having control in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean disempowering your partner.

 

[Netzach]

I go on the principle that someone with no money can't get into trouble.

I am a financial control freak.

If you're confident in your own skills there, hurrah. I don't like the idea of becoming two people with no money at any given time. If I could hand it off to a third party I would - if I were rich I'd be some penniless schmuck left over from Madoff.

I know my partner's skill set. There's no way I want him in control of the money. I know mine. There's no way I want to be in control of all the money either.

I do however LOVE "no you are NOT buying that now."

That's the fucking hotness. He's better at math, I'm better at impulse control. Shared approach is best.

 

[intothewoods]

I go on the principle that someone with no money can't get into trouble.

I am a financial control freak.

Hot.

I have no separate bank account, and all of my money is deposited into a joint account. He maintains a separate account and deposits money into the joint account as necessary.

Because I am more responsible in taking care of details, I am in charge of paying bills from the joint account, and ask for money when necessary. Though I am wholly dependent, and have no money of my own, I do not feel either clueless or childish.

And I do like the feeling that I would be left high and dry without him. It keeps me on my toes.

It's important to take into account each of your strengths and weaknesses in putting together a life plan. Having control in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean disempowering your partner.

Yep. I actually don't mind giving up complete control, as long as the person in control is financially savvy and responsible. We sort of do a mix -- he handles the big picture and most of the bills from the joint account, I handle some bills and also have my own account. He knows what's going on in my account and has me move things around as needed. I like the way it is. I think if I were totally in the dark it might not be the best for either of us.

 

[Etoile]

You asked if it was normal to get rid of personal banking accounts when one is married. If the couple has a joint account but one has a personal account, the other partner might think they were using it for stuff they shouldn't be - an affair, gambling, etc.

It's hard to say what is "normal" because every couple is different, but my guess is that many couples these days are keeping separate accounts.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Honestly, I like the thought of being given an allowance and being held accountable for it.

So far, I haven't been with someone who also has the same interest.

 

[BLoved]

(I told her to fucking drop it or I'd clock her)

If she's smart she'll find someone who can handle disagreements in a more mature manner.

Your conflict resolution method does nothing to enhance your 'domliness' and is a red flag for anyone thinking of giving you control over any aspect of their life, most especially money.

 

[Etoile]

If she's smart she'll find someone who can handle disagreements in a more mature manner.

Your conflict resolution method does nothing to enhance your 'domliness' and is a red flag for anyone thinking of giving you control over any aspect of their life, most especially money.

I was thinking the same thing, actually. I don't think the OP would actually have hit her, it was just a threat - but maybe he would have, there are some people who do.

What confuses me, though, is that we know little about the BDSM aspect of the relationship. I would not want to be with someone who would hit me in anger. Others don't mind that and feel physical correction is effective. I wonder which the OP and his girlfriend are.

 

[BLoved]

I was thinking the same thing, actually. I don't think the OP would actually have hit her, it was just a threat - but maybe he would have, there are some people who do.

What confuses me, though, is that we know little about the BDSM aspect of the relationship. I would not want to be with someone who would hit me in anger. Others don't mind that and feel physical correction is effective. I wonder which the OP and his girlfriend are.

All of my beloveds have had their own money. Expenditures were the result of discussing the situation and considering various options.

This in no way affected my position in their lives. The fact I trusted them to make wise choices enhanced the love we shared.

 

[Etoile]

Expenditures were the result of discussing the situation and considering various options.

I think this is very appropriate, except in cases where one partner is a compulsive shopper or spendthrift or otherwise can't manage money. In that situation, I would say either partner could suggest the big spender to give up financial control.

Did you mean to quote that to me, though?

 

[BLoved]

I think this is very appropriate, except in cases where one partner is a compulsive shopper or spendthrift or otherwise can't manage money. In that situation, I would say either partner could suggest the big spender to give up financial control.

If the two cannot come to an agreement on how much to spend and on what, I don't think financial control would be the answer.

A relationship is based on mutual trust. If I can't trust my beloved to handle money responsibly, then we have a problem with trust in the relationship. A broken agreement would be indicative of this kind of problem.

Did you mean to quote that to me, though?

I'm not sure I understand your question.

 

[Etoile]

I'm not sure I understand your question.

You quoted me, but what you quoted had nothing to do with finances - it was about hitting in a relationship. Then after quoting me, you talked about finances. It sounded like you were responding to the OP, but you were quoting me, so I was confused.

 

[BLoved]

You quoted me, but what you quoted had nothing to do with finances - it was about hitting in a relationship. Then after quoting me, you talked about finances. It sounded like you were responding to the OP, but you were quoting me, so I was confused.

Your post in the context of this topic inspired my response.

 

[Bandit58]

Sir and I have separate bank accounts. I also have a lot more money than He does, due to my divorce from my first husband. That money is mine, He doesn't want anything to do with it.

We are both on welfare. I know Sir's PIN and I get His weekly money out of the ATM for Him sometimes if He is not well or on dialysis. Our rent is banked roughly monthly in cash, He gives me half of the bills due in cash and I pay them through internet banking. He insists I take money out of His wallet for groceries etc.

There is absolutely NO WAY I would give anyone control of my finances. It's going to remain a HARD LIMIT for ever. I know my mother struggled when Dad died, even though they had a joint account he'd always paid the bills and given her a cheque for groceries and other shopping. She had to learn how to use an ATM and write a cheque, she'd never done it.

I never want to be that dependent on anyone else, no matter how much I love them.

 

[rosco rathbone]

She had to learn how to use an ATM and write a cheque, she'd never done it.

.

It is my experience that these modern females know how to use an ATM all too well.

I'm all about the allowance. You have your personal budget, your hair-and-nail money deposited in your own little account. Anything over that, you better come see me on your knees.

 

[newtoplease]

each to their own, but I'm with Bandit on this one.

I don't want to be dependent on someone else if something were to go wrong.

 

[kittyn_]

I dunno, in general it just seems someone else handling the entirity of finances would be a simple annoyance to me, and I don't do well with constant annoyances. I don't see why I should explain why my normal expenses of maybe $40 a month on household goods are $100 this month. Or why I need additional money for things that are in my 'realm' but are overall a joint responsibility (kid expenses, over-usage internet fees, whatever).

Just doesn't compute with me, I suppose. Sure, I'll be more than happy to let him know what I'm planning, and break it down to dollar amounts before the fact, but having to ask for money everytime the kid ruins a pair of shoes or outgrows his pants? Yeah, I'd spend half my time with my hand out, and I'd rather just take care of it and let that be the end of the story.

Besides, if he handled the money he couldn't tell me I have to fix my own damned car with my cash, so it seriously wouldn't work for us. ^.~

 

[BLoved]

And I do like the feeling that I would be left high and dry without him. It keeps me on my toes.

Being on your toes has nothing to do with the life expectancy of a partner.

A heart attack or stroke could leave you single in a matter of minutes, as could a car accident.

I don't want to leave my beloved struggling for cash just because I died without giving notice.

 

[eastern sun]

Being on your toes has nothing to do with the life expectancy of a partner.

A heart attack or stroke could leave you single in a matter of minutes, as could a car accident.

I don't want to leave my beloved struggling for cash just because I died without giving notice.

We are married with children. There would be legal support to insure both my own and/or his children's inheritance of his assets.

I am also frequently offered work and am more than capable of finding and holding a job should I need one. Being financially dependent does not imply helplessness. And I do not feel financially insecure.

I did not become financially dependent by accident. I chose this role as one among many lifestyle choices. And I enjoy the financial dependence, and the vulnerability it creates. I like the fact that the money I inherited put him through school, which increased his earning power. I like the fact that we don't argue about money. I like feeling grateful for his generosity.

But I am not a child-woman being taken care of by a benevolent Daddy.* Because of the vulnerability I feel, I also have a very clear understanding of what skills and knowledge I need to have in order to take care of myself. I recognize that circumstances can change on a dime (and they do); and I have thought through my options (for both myself and my children) for a variety of different circumstances.

It would be foolish not to.


*Disclaimer - I am choosing these words to make a particular point about money, not to comment on the nature of Daddy/girl relationships.