Vampire_Neliel
Experienced
- Joined
- May 10, 2010
- Posts
- 31
Perhaps this is a dumb question to ask, but I really would like other's opinions on the matter. Yeh it'll be a bit long, I write too much >.>
So back in the last couple years of high school as well as the first couple in College (during which I was still parading around as a male despite considering myself a lesbian trapped in a males body) I attended a regular TKD class with my sister. After a few months I'd gotten the belt to move to the advanced class and ended up catching my eye on a girl that, despite not matching a single thing I'd originally set into my strict moral and idealistic code, made me want to be with her quite dearly (she was/is physically desirable even if slightly larger than the average stick we see in the magazines these days.)
At first I just eyed her from afar and tried to always partner up with her in class till I finally got to knowing her name and talked more with her. Of course this lead into further progressions and we'd flirt a lot when we were together at class. Perhaps a year after having first seen her I finally got my gut untied from the knots to ask her out (it was the time "Spiderman I" was coming out and so I thought that'd be a good try... also need to consider this was the first time in my life I'd asked a girl out.)
As I was perhaps obviously jittery doing it and had dragged her into the back room for privacy, she basically said no as she had to take care of her babysitting during the days and church business most nights. So alas, my attempt failed and I pretty much went back to normal with things until she stopped coming a couple months later (I of course thought I'd scared her away -- turns out it was so she could pursue soccer instead and return later)
So I didn't get to talk to her or even see her for two years until, suddenly, my sister walked into my room one night and told me she'd asked me to come to her last soccer game (they were on the same team) as they'd be turning 18 and no longer able to play.. so literally last soccer game. I was of course skeptical and thought it was just my sister being indirect about wanting me to attend and using the girl I'd obviously liked to get me to go (I never normally went)
So of course I went to the game and we were back to how we'd been when last we'd talked a year or so before. There wasn't really any flirting but we talked as if no time interruption had occurred (familiarity is what I refer to here). As the game ended and everyone was wrapping things up my dad, having clearly noticed what I had not, told me to get her number/e-mail. I of course tried to interject with her while our family was trying to leave but failed to get her attention enough to ask and only walked away with a pic of her and my sis.
A few days later dad, being a brat as always, said he was going to get me an invite to their soccer awards party at the end of the month. I did nothing but blush and say nothing despite thinking how great it'd be to see her again. As I found out a few days later it was a swimming party followed by the awards ceremony, and so I wanted to see her during that time even more (though I no longer swam myself and it'd been four years since doing so). However, my sister only wanted to go to the awards event, and as I was the driver.. I had no choice but to wait.
We got there and things were very meh and I didn't get to talk to her while others were around, but as I wanted to try again at getting her number/email I forced my sis to wait around till the end. We all talked (her family, my sister, and myself) for a little before she grabbed her lizard to show us and ended up standing shoulder to shoulder with me. Of course my heart was racing and with her family all watching I couldn't even open my mouth. As my sister and I walked out the door, I hopped she'd follow us out and I could ask then, but she stayed back talking to her dad. And that was the last I'd seen of her.
So I go back to college and quickly get back to the bothersome-ness that it is and end up forgetting about her for the time. A year or so later, Junior year I believe, I was finally pointed out to a 'safe' way to transition (I'd been scared off of it before and resigned to my fate) and thus began that. After I got myself all passing and name-change and the whole bit, I end up having a dream of her (went along the lines of I met her at her work--no clue what it is IRL--and was helping her plan for a wedding with a male she had yet to meet) late last year--now having been close to or exceeding four years since we'd last talked/seen each other--and I get very worked up, am in stupendous amounts of tears, and after trying to talk with a friend over the phone learn that I'm basically going through what a common couple would if a break-up had happened. So, just as any other would perhaps do, it basically ruined that semester and I failed it badly.
So a few friends online suggested I try writing her and seeing if she was still around, interested, or at least happy such that I could put my mind at ease. I figure it can't hurt any and decide to do so, using my old male name as a signature as she'd not know about the new me. I never got a response and so, over break and until a month ago, I'd gone back to forgetting about it all and going about finishing college classes. However, as I mentioned, a month ago I had another dream, this time it had involved all my family (atomic and extended) trying to keep us apart, her acting herself, and me trying to get to her. In the end, before I woke up in yet more tears, was me telling her I loved her. So now I've been racked with the thought of what that meant, though I have a good guess (she's the only girl ever in my life I'd even tried imagining having sex with, and I rather dislike sex.. even then).
Now of course my current friends have told me to leave it alone and move on, I can't help but wonder if I should try again. Yet, at the same time, I wonder if it would even be wise to try to approach her as I am now.. a fully passing female when who she knew back then was a male. I know exactly where she lives due to the party (yeh photographic memory is epic). I wonder if the letter perhaps got lost in the mail or her parents kept it from her or she's living somewhere else and it wasn't forwarded. I know it might be very selfish of me, but I can't help wondering and thusly regretting what may be or not due to further inaction on my part?
So I guess the long and short of it is... I am pretty sure I fell in love with her, if not at first sight than shortly later, and can only think that not trying to pursue it would be a HUGE mistake as she could be the one I've always wanted. I don't normally believe in any of that soul-mate hogwash or love-at-first-sight, but this case makes me wonder if it does exist.
I don't know if anyone can relate or help, but as always.. it never hurts to try! And someone here might surprise me.... if this is the wrong location for this, I sure hope a mod moves it where it needs to be (considering all I see is VERY dirty talk going on here I do wonder....)
EDIT:Addition::
Something else I was asked by one of the above aforementioned friends was if I'd been trying to find a girl of the same appearance and/or personality.. and I guess subconsciously I always had but never realized it till he pointed it out. So as such there is a girl on campus (second one since I've been here) that looks like her and sadly for me has a bf... but it didn't stop me from wanting to know about her.
So back in the last couple years of high school as well as the first couple in College (during which I was still parading around as a male despite considering myself a lesbian trapped in a males body) I attended a regular TKD class with my sister. After a few months I'd gotten the belt to move to the advanced class and ended up catching my eye on a girl that, despite not matching a single thing I'd originally set into my strict moral and idealistic code, made me want to be with her quite dearly (she was/is physically desirable even if slightly larger than the average stick we see in the magazines these days.)
At first I just eyed her from afar and tried to always partner up with her in class till I finally got to knowing her name and talked more with her. Of course this lead into further progressions and we'd flirt a lot when we were together at class. Perhaps a year after having first seen her I finally got my gut untied from the knots to ask her out (it was the time "Spiderman I" was coming out and so I thought that'd be a good try... also need to consider this was the first time in my life I'd asked a girl out.)
As I was perhaps obviously jittery doing it and had dragged her into the back room for privacy, she basically said no as she had to take care of her babysitting during the days and church business most nights. So alas, my attempt failed and I pretty much went back to normal with things until she stopped coming a couple months later (I of course thought I'd scared her away -- turns out it was so she could pursue soccer instead and return later)
So I didn't get to talk to her or even see her for two years until, suddenly, my sister walked into my room one night and told me she'd asked me to come to her last soccer game (they were on the same team) as they'd be turning 18 and no longer able to play.. so literally last soccer game. I was of course skeptical and thought it was just my sister being indirect about wanting me to attend and using the girl I'd obviously liked to get me to go (I never normally went)
So of course I went to the game and we were back to how we'd been when last we'd talked a year or so before. There wasn't really any flirting but we talked as if no time interruption had occurred (familiarity is what I refer to here). As the game ended and everyone was wrapping things up my dad, having clearly noticed what I had not, told me to get her number/e-mail. I of course tried to interject with her while our family was trying to leave but failed to get her attention enough to ask and only walked away with a pic of her and my sis.
A few days later dad, being a brat as always, said he was going to get me an invite to their soccer awards party at the end of the month. I did nothing but blush and say nothing despite thinking how great it'd be to see her again. As I found out a few days later it was a swimming party followed by the awards ceremony, and so I wanted to see her during that time even more (though I no longer swam myself and it'd been four years since doing so). However, my sister only wanted to go to the awards event, and as I was the driver.. I had no choice but to wait.
We got there and things were very meh and I didn't get to talk to her while others were around, but as I wanted to try again at getting her number/email I forced my sis to wait around till the end. We all talked (her family, my sister, and myself) for a little before she grabbed her lizard to show us and ended up standing shoulder to shoulder with me. Of course my heart was racing and with her family all watching I couldn't even open my mouth. As my sister and I walked out the door, I hopped she'd follow us out and I could ask then, but she stayed back talking to her dad. And that was the last I'd seen of her.
So I go back to college and quickly get back to the bothersome-ness that it is and end up forgetting about her for the time. A year or so later, Junior year I believe, I was finally pointed out to a 'safe' way to transition (I'd been scared off of it before and resigned to my fate) and thus began that. After I got myself all passing and name-change and the whole bit, I end up having a dream of her (went along the lines of I met her at her work--no clue what it is IRL--and was helping her plan for a wedding with a male she had yet to meet) late last year--now having been close to or exceeding four years since we'd last talked/seen each other--and I get very worked up, am in stupendous amounts of tears, and after trying to talk with a friend over the phone learn that I'm basically going through what a common couple would if a break-up had happened. So, just as any other would perhaps do, it basically ruined that semester and I failed it badly.
So a few friends online suggested I try writing her and seeing if she was still around, interested, or at least happy such that I could put my mind at ease. I figure it can't hurt any and decide to do so, using my old male name as a signature as she'd not know about the new me. I never got a response and so, over break and until a month ago, I'd gone back to forgetting about it all and going about finishing college classes. However, as I mentioned, a month ago I had another dream, this time it had involved all my family (atomic and extended) trying to keep us apart, her acting herself, and me trying to get to her. In the end, before I woke up in yet more tears, was me telling her I loved her. So now I've been racked with the thought of what that meant, though I have a good guess (she's the only girl ever in my life I'd even tried imagining having sex with, and I rather dislike sex.. even then).
Now of course my current friends have told me to leave it alone and move on, I can't help but wonder if I should try again. Yet, at the same time, I wonder if it would even be wise to try to approach her as I am now.. a fully passing female when who she knew back then was a male. I know exactly where she lives due to the party (yeh photographic memory is epic). I wonder if the letter perhaps got lost in the mail or her parents kept it from her or she's living somewhere else and it wasn't forwarded. I know it might be very selfish of me, but I can't help wondering and thusly regretting what may be or not due to further inaction on my part?
So I guess the long and short of it is... I am pretty sure I fell in love with her, if not at first sight than shortly later, and can only think that not trying to pursue it would be a HUGE mistake as she could be the one I've always wanted. I don't normally believe in any of that soul-mate hogwash or love-at-first-sight, but this case makes me wonder if it does exist.
I don't know if anyone can relate or help, but as always.. it never hurts to try! And someone here might surprise me.... if this is the wrong location for this, I sure hope a mod moves it where it needs to be (considering all I see is VERY dirty talk going on here I do wonder....)
EDIT:Addition::
Something else I was asked by one of the above aforementioned friends was if I'd been trying to find a girl of the same appearance and/or personality.. and I guess subconsciously I always had but never realized it till he pointed it out. So as such there is a girl on campus (second one since I've been here) that looks like her and sadly for me has a bf... but it didn't stop me from wanting to know about her.
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and clearly defined question here...
