Have you come out to your spouse?

[Ike_The_Spike]

I was originally going to ask for advice from the gay and bi men on coming out to my wife. But since I found so little advice online in general, I figured a more open question would be a good idea.

So anybody that is or was married and came out or is considering coming out, I'd like to hear what you have to say. Hopefully others will find it useful too.


As I've posted before, I'm bisexual and I've been in the closet for at least 10 years now. I've come to realize hiding is just no good for me and having sex behind her back doesn't fit with how I work either. So it's time to come out.

I was just going to tell her I wanted a divorce, and move on. Because I've been afraid of her using my sexuality to keep the kids from me. I'm much less worried about her trying to take me to the cleaners, because I like to think she's smart enough to know that the only people that would benefit from that are the lawyers.

So I know that I need, not just want, but need to come out. Not just for me, but because she deserves for me to be honest with her.

My dilemma is HOW. I've been finding various pieces of advice searching the internet, but nothing I'd consider substantial. One piece of advice was to ease her into it, by doing and saying things that made it clear that you were at least accepting of a gay/bisexual lifestyle. Maybe talk about getting a toy for her to use on you. Things like that.

That, forgive me, seems like complete shit. At least in my case. The woman freaks out at the idea of a change in position, and I'm supposed to ask her to put something up my butt? That's definitely not 'easing' into the conversation.

The other advice I've seen is really generic here are your choices kinds of stuff. It talks about not telling her and just living with it and not acting on your desires. (Tried that, it's not working for me.) They talk about not telling her, and living on 'the down low.' (She deserves better than that and that doesn't really work for me either.)

So I guess the next best thing would be to ask here, as I've been fairly impressed with the GLBT community on Lit, how did you let your spouse know? If you're thinking about coming out, maybe you just want to let it out here first in relative safety. Thoughts?

 

[WSteven1]

iwant2692001...I just 'flat-out' told my new (2nd) wife that I was bi and she was cool with it. I have suggested several times that we have a 3rd (male) for a 3-way but she is insecure about this aspect of our relationship and would not deal well with having an actual 3-way. I have had some 'side-play' from time to time and while I don't like doing it, I just deal with the 'angst' and go on.

My advice is that if it bugs you that much, just explain the situation and prepare for the worse! If it happens, then you have a plan...if not, then everything is fine.

 

[flasubm]

I took the first step in that direction over the weekend while we were playing. I told her that I wanted to watch another man fuck her. We didn't go too much into the particulars (as we were both quite intoxicated) but when we get around to talking more about that, who knows, it might be able to lead to telling her that she wouldn't be getting all of the strangers cock.

 

[ignorantslut69]

I have only come out to a few girls and well every guy who has sucked my cock or fucked my ass.

I have a fantasy, and I know it is not right. It is however a fantasy.

Get caught, with my ass in the air the biggest cock I could find bareback fucking me in the middle of my bed. I mean, our bed.

i do that now, but I make sure she is far away from the house.

Joe

 

[Night_Jasmine]

If you're not happy in the marriage...get out without saying anything in regards to sexuality. Once free, live life as you choose.

In the end, your happiness and well being both physically and emotionally is what is important.

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

Thanks for your input NJ, but after 19 years, I feel that I owe her the honesty. I'm leaning toward taking my chances with that.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

I'll be honest..that kind of honesty, even with nineteen years between you, could very well be the mark of what keeps you from what's important if the marriage is failing.

I'm in a divorce currently...am lesbian...and the husband doesn't know. I think my adopted little brother wants to slam it in his face after it's over though lol. He doesn't like him much at all.

Seriously....all jokes aside...take a step back and evaluate what's important to you in life and go from there.

Good luck to you!

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

I do understand the risk I'd be taking with being in my children's lives. I really do.

Part of the reason I'm seriously considering coming out to her is that we're catholic and it would give her damn near an automatic shot at an annulment. Which would allow her to remarry if she chooses to.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

Ahhh...the religious thing. If it'll help that way, that'd be good.

 

[Lilith_The_Corrupted]

just a quick *hug* for you and all my support

 

[bushwhakka]

tie her up invite your bo over make her watch

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

Well that was helpful.

 

[Lilith_The_Corrupted]

tie her up invite your bo over make her watch

heyyyyyyyyyy......its an idea!

or i could keep her busy

just kidding...i had to add some humor. Miss you hun, hope to talk to you again soon! xoxoxoxox

 

[HarlotMinx]

First off, I'd really like to applaud you, it's clear you have a lot of respect for your spouse and I think that's rare. Many men would try and cheat on their wives with the thought that it's the easy way out. So again, I have a healthy dose of respect for you.

Because I've been afraid of her using my sexuality to keep the kids from me. I'm much less worried about her trying to take me to the cleaners, because I like to think she's smart enough to know that the only people that would benefit from that are the lawyers.

I'm a little worried, do you believe this is something that she couldn't except about you? More importantly, is it something you think she'd be vindictive about? I know divorces aren't exactly pretty but normally when they're nasty to the point where someone is trying to actively hurt their partner something is wrong. So it might help to know a little more about her(Her personal views on bisexuality, her general conservativeness, her ideas on opening the marriage for a third partner, is she a hardcore catholic or just pays lip service) and how your current relationship is with her (ie, on the rocks, devoted, bland, so on).

Honestly, without knowing more about your relationship it's hard to give good advice. I'll be honest, the religion is going to be a issue if she's devout. My cousin is an ordained priest in the catholic church and he and I stopped talking after he tried to consecrate my house with holy water to banish the lesbianism from it (now to be fair to Catholics, my cousin also has crazy going for him on top of religion). The other thing to think about is, 19 years is a long time to be married, do you think she'd throw it away because of finding out your sexual apatite is.... varied? I'd also like to know how you personally relate your sexual attractions with your religion's current doctrine? I'm not attacking your beliefs with that last one, just wondering how you work it out so I can give advice about how to help your wife reach the same view.

Basically, I'd ignore anything people here say about how to "drop" it on your wife or how to "trick" her into it. I think the best answer is to get a mediator like a marriage councilor and be sure to make sure she understands that the reason you're going has nothing to do with her or any fault with the marriage but you want to work on some of your own issues. Generally women love when men want to work out their own faults (not that bisexuality is a fault).... er but also make sure that she knows that that "fault" of yours is NOT that you're cheating on her. I hope to hear back from you and I wish you best of luck whatever path you may take.

 

[Cabeza]

First off, I'd really like to applaud you, it's clear you have a lot of respect for your spouse and I think that's rare. Many men would try and cheat on their wives with the thought that it's the easy way out. So again, I have a healthy dose of respect for you.



I'm a little worried, do you believe this is something that she couldn't except about you? More importantly, is it something you think she'd be vindictive about? I know divorces aren't exactly pretty but normally when they're nasty to the point where someone is trying to actively hurt their partner something is wrong. So it might help to know a little more about her(Her personal views on bisexuality, her general conservativeness, her ideas on opening the marriage for a third partner, is she a hardcore catholic or just pays lip service) and how your current relationship is with her (ie, on the rocks, devoted, bland, so on).

Honestly, without knowing more about your relationship it's hard to give good advice. I'll be honest, the religion is going to be a issue if she's devout. My cousin is an ordained priest in the catholic church and he and I stopped talking after he tried to consecrate my house with holy water to banish the lesbianism from it (now to be fair to Catholics, my cousin also has crazy going for him on top of religion). The other thing to think about is, 19 years is a long time to be married, do you think she'd throw it away because of finding out your sexual apatite is.... varied? I'd also like to know how you personally relate your sexual attractions with your religion's current doctrine? I'm not attacking your beliefs with that last one, just wondering how you work it out so I can give advice about how to help your wife reach the same view.

Basically, I'd ignore anything people here say about how to "drop" it on your wife or how to "trick" her into it. I think the best answer is to get a mediator like a marriage councilor and be sure to make sure she understands that the reason you're going has nothing to do with her or any fault with the marriage but you want to work on some of your own issues. Generally women love when men want to work out their own faults (not that bisexuality is a fault).... er but also make sure that she knows that that "fault" of yours is NOT that you're cheating on her. I hope to hear back from you and I wish you best of luck whatever path you may take.

Fantastic, thoughtful advice. This is why I love Lit.

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

Harlot, thanks for the reply. Hopefully I can answer your questions.

First, I thank you for the respect, but it is a bit misplaced. I wish I could say that I haven't cheated, however I have. I gave in to my urges 3 times in the past 7 or 8 years, the last time being a bit over 3 years ago. I'm not happy with what I did at all, and I only blame myself for not being stronger.

Do I think she could accept my sexuality? No. She is a devout Catholic. While being fairly new to the Roman Catholic Church, she was raised as an Anglican which has very similar views and is in some ways more strict than the modern Roman Catholic Church. She is definitely very conservative, although she does seem to accept people with different sexual preferences. I think it's a "just don't put it in my face", and "Love the sinner, hate the sin" kind of attitude. "Love the sinner, hate the sin." The thought of a third partner is almost laughable, as she doesn't even want to acknowledge that I might masturbate.

As far as our current relationship. Within months of marriage our sex-life went on life support. Before marriage, we were adventurous, tried things on a whim, basically just had fun in bed. After marriage, that slowly became "oh do we need to do THAT again?" We even had a full 2 year period with no sex at all, within the first 5 years. So there's the 'bland' part.

The 'rocky' part would be every time I'd try to say something I'd just get it thrown in my face that all I saw her for was sex. So I eventually stopped talking about it. We pretty much stopped talking about anything of consequence between us. We're much more like roommates than a couple. I've brought up divorce no less than 3 times. Each time she cries, says that we just need to try harder and I cave because it's just easier. Add on top of that being on Anti-Depressants (various SSRIs) for the 13 years and I just didn't have enough 'give a shit' to fight.

How do I relate my orientation with my religion's current doctrine? I've actually done a bit of research on this. The current doctrine is to accept that the different orientations exist and that you are the way you are for a reason. However, the church still sees sex as something only allowed in marriage and that marriage is only between a man and a woman. So I could be celibate, or married to and only have sex with a woman, that knows that I'm bisexual.

There is at least one group that is trying to change that, however they are not looked at favorably within the church, so I don't know what will come of that.

I'm willing to accept not being accepted by the church anymore though. I do tend to agree with a lot of the doctrine, but obviously here I depart from them. Looking back I joined the church hoping it would improve my family life. I think that was a bit misguided.

 

[Lilith_The_Corrupted]

bump for you hun, since i can't be much help otherwise

 

[miss_sadiesadie]

Hi!

I'm fairly new to this community, and you'll probably look at me, like "what the fuck does she know, she's only nineteen" but I'd like to think life has taught me a lot. It hasn't really been all that kind to me. Thumbs up for life experience. ;D

I have a friend who's from a very conservative family. We laugh, because out of three siblings, he is transgender and his sister is a lesbian. I say, God could only make that happen in Republican family. It's punishment for saying, gays can't marry in the first place. (Yes, I'm firmly under the belief that God loves everyone, no matter what. Silly and possibly far-fetched, I know.)

Anyway, my point is - everything changes when it's family.

Yet the way you describe your wife, I'm not so sure. I know you want to respect her.

You believe that you owe it to her, but at what risk?

You owe your children their father too. They're innocent in this matter, and they shouldn't be separated from you just because of her religion. I assume it's theirs too, but they should have a choice in the matter. Their minds shouldn't be poisoned with hate first (the church's), and you have to compensate with love (if you get the chance) later. That isn't right nor fair. You want to stay true to your wife, major kudos to you. Yet your children deserve you. They shouldn't have to fight for you, which inevitably they would have to.

That's just my bit.

I do think Harlot had great advice though.

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

I did it today. I told her that I'm not happy in our marriage to start with. She was trying to get me to agree to work on things for a bit, still is actually. Then I told her I'm bi. When she asked if I have acted on that, I admitted that I had.

She took the bisexual news much better than I expected. The divorce news on the other hand seems to have her in 'rescue' mode for lack of a better term. She believes things can be saved. I've told her that I'm not sure I want them to be.

Things are still evolving so I don't know where it will end up, but I'm out of the closet.

 

[tan43215]

I did it today. I told her that I'm not happy in our marriage to start with. She was trying to get me to agree to work on things for a bit, still is actually. Then I told her I'm bi. When she asked if I have acted on that, I admitted that I had.

She took the bisexual news much better than I expected. The divorce news on the other hand seems to have her in 'rescue' mode for lack of a better term. She believes things can be saved. I've told her that I'm not sure I want them to be.

Things are still evolving so I don't know where it will end up, but I'm out of the closet.

bitting my nails and waiting for updates
hugs for all
being bi can be harder then the other 2 choices.

 

[ilike2try]

Wow, I respect you for going ahead and getting it out with your wife. I know it had to take some real balls. I have a very good relationship with my wife, including the sexual side, but I just don't know how I could ever share with her my bi-side.

Anyway, wishing you the best all around, and the best possible resolution for the greatest good of all concerned.

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

I will update as things evolve. I have a feeling it may take some time for the shock to wear off in this case though.

I really hoped this thread would become about my experience as much as a collection of experiences of many people. I'd like to see it become a place where people can come and work through what they need to do individually. Getting ideas and tips from others that have done or are thinking of doing the same thing.

 

[pisces693]

Doubt that I can help, but my heart sends hugs to you! You are brave and strong!

 

[TallOne]

I "came out" to my wife while we were still dating so that bridge was crossed much earlier in the relationship and she was very accepting. Certainly part of the reason I chose to marry her.

We have had a few 3/4somes over the last 10 years but I would never do anything behind her back. We just make lots of use of toys.

So, sorry I don't have any advice for the reverse situation of wanting to come out after years in a relationship. But I suppose if this one is over, definitely let the next know early.

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

The big problem with letting her know ahead of getting married, was I was in denial myself about the whole thing. I didn't let myself 'realize it' until we had been married about 9 years.