Smile

[NottsAsian24M]

hey this is something i wrote a little while ago. let me know what u think

Smile

Its a Smile,

a smile such a small thing
a smile such a simple thing
a smile such an easy thing

a smile which lightens my day
a smile which puts me at ease
a smile which makes my heart race.

when you read this
smile a smile for me
for 6 smiles can cross the world

and ill have made the world smile.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

hey this is something i wrote a little while ago. let me know what u think

Smile

Its a Smile,

a smile such a small thing
a smile such a simple thing
a smile such an easy thing

a smile which lightens my day
a smile which puts me at ease
a smile which makes my heart race.

when you read this
smile a smile for me
for 6 smiles can cross the world

and ill have made the world smile.

Ermmm I hope you don't mind me saying so but it reads like something you would see in a greetings card or one of those motto things you stick on the fridge. The meaning is nice but very clichéd I've read very similar in those emails you get from friends that are plastered in smilies and you are supposed to send to 6 friends and something wonderful will happen to you tonight

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

I'm afraid I have to agree with UYS, you're heart's obviously in the right place with the sentiments so keep writing. Try saying the same thing with fewer cliches, something like this -

Smile for me
Such a small thing, a simple thing
so easily acheived

brightens the day,
puts one at ease
or makes the heart race.

when you read this
smile for me
across the world

you will have made the world
a better place.

 

[NottsAsian24M]

thanks for the advice girls.

but i usually write alot thats quite dark. and deep.

this one is a little more upbeat.

i just write i let the words flow.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

thanks for the advice girls.

but i usually write alot thats quite dark. and deep.

this one is a little more upbeat.

i just write i let the words flow.

So post what you usually write show us what you've got

 

[NottsAsian24M]

The sun breaks in a new day.
i hold no hope to this one
it will be like all of the others

by the time the sun hits her peak
i will be in the depths of my darkest wilderness

her forest is misery and sorrow
her earth is of horror and despair
her symphonies cut through me

don't you see?
the wilderness is my past
and i am the beast.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

The sun breaks in a new day.
i hold no hope to this one
it will be like all of the others

by the time the sun hits her peak
i will be in the depths of my darkest wilderness

her forest is misery and sorrow
her earth is of horror and despair
her symphonies cut through me

don't you see?
the wilderness is my past
and i am the beast.

Not quite sure what 'her symphonies cut through me' alludes to and if you will be in the depth of wilderness at noon why is it the past?

 

[EroticOrogeny]

I can kind of understand wilderness as being both past and present, but 'symphony' just doesn't seem to fit. I also don't see wilderness with a particularly negative context. Perhaps desert, barrens badlands would carry more impact.
I'm also confused about 'her'. It reads as if the forest, earth and symphonies all belong to the sun, but perhaps there's another 'her' you're making allusion to.

 

[NottsAsian24M]

you are all correct.

the wilderness is my past, but it is also still reality in my present.
the symphonies are... well if you have ever walked through the woods alone you know she is far from silent. each sound together becomes like a symphony.
in the hight of noon there are paths of woodland which are dark as though they were lit only by moonlight.

the she is difficult to explain but it stems from my spirituality.

i wrote that poem in the height of my addiction. it was about a woman i knew once.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Well I hope you will keep posting welcome to the mad, bad and sometimes extremely disgusting Poetry Forum

 

[NottsAsian24M]

i was going to say
it did seem like ya'll jumped on me ((

anyways thankx

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You ask you get told and truthfully ..... how will any of us grow if everybody else namby pambys around saying oh yes that was great dont change a thing? Stay around and learn like the rest of us are doing

 

[NottsAsian24M]

i dont mind getting jumped on

n yeah i did ask for it didnt i posting that corny happy crap

ya just caught me unawarz. blindsided.

xx

 

[UnderYourSpell]

better than being ignored

 

[NottsAsian24M]

true enough.

hehe i do have attention issue. <- i got serious daddy issue, its cliche i know. but it is what it is.

i felt the warmth of an embrace today
it reminded me to be real.


i hope you have had/having a great day.
x

 

[UnderYourSpell]

what's a daddy issue in a guy?

 

[EroticOrogeny]

you are all correct.

the wilderness is my past, but it is also still reality in my present.
the symphonies are... well if you have ever walked through the woods alone you know she is far from silent. each sound together becomes like a symphony.
in the hight of noon there are paths of woodland which are dark as though they were lit only by moonlight.

the she is difficult to explain but it stems from my spirituality.

i wrote that poem in the height of my addiction. it was about a woman i knew once.

I'm glad to hear you're in recovery now.
And welcome to the poetry forum and keep writing.
Just thinking you might use 'its' in reference to the sun, unless this woman also represents the sun on some level.

 

[NottsAsian24M]

she was the source of all the goodness in my life
just like the sun feeds mankind.

one thing im very aware of is that i need to make my poerty a bit more explanitory.

thankyou for your kind words. it touches me when strangers show kindness

the world will be better one day because people like you.

 

[champagne1982]

she was the source of all the goodness in my life
just like the sun feeds mankind.

one thing im very aware of is that i need to make my poerty a bit more explanitory.

thankyou for your kind words. it touches me when strangers show kindness

the world will be better one day because people like you.

Hello. The part of this post that strikes me is that you realize you need to make your writing more explanatory. I would suggest that you be careful not to confuse illustration with verbosity; that you make your poems show rather than tell with as few words as possible.

Try to find imagery in your experiences that allow your reader to share in the sensation of the events you describe, metaphor and simile are good tools, but can be too wordy. I like to spend time finding the perfect word to describe how numb the freshly snow-washed face feels after the playground bullies make a little boy cry or that balloon stretch feeling your heart gives you when something truly swells it in happiness... You see what I mean? I want you to read what I've written and understand it viscerally rather than intellectually.