Can I be an online sub whilst being a mum?

[Ikk]

Hi everyone I’m new, to everything, almost, . Everything D/s anyway. I’d like some advice, I have looked into my local scene and it is a good one but I soon realised I didn’t have the money or more importantly the time to dedicate to getting involved. Met some really nice people but to be accepted, you had to be out on the scene, at clubs, munchies and events on a regular basis and my life, as it is right now just won’t allow it. See, I’m a single mum. I discovered the world of D/s online about a year ago, stuck my nose into the scene, didn’t play, as obviously trust is a big issue with us all but I knew I belonged and was gutted when I had to leave it behind because of other life commitments. I have tried to ignore this feeling of wanting to be Dominated but it is an itch that needs scratching, so now I’m thinking of an online Dom. The thought excites me no end but I’m not stupid, I know the risks and so many of you think it is a bad idea. I’d like to know are there people who think it is a good way as it is my only way. I am a parent first, so I would give no personal details and there would be no cameras, can this be done successfully? I feel so alone sometimes...

 

[Sir_Winston54]

First, welcome to the BDSM Talk forum (and to the Café, which is also handy for information, education and entertainment).

In reference to your primary question: It *can* be done; however, you would likely need to set some boundaries that were acceptable to your potential online Dom/me, e.g., only during hours the kids weren't up/around, not during your work time, etc.

As in anything else, it would behoove you to make sure you performed "due diligence" in finding your online PYL, and do some *serious* communication regarding what you can and can't, will and won't consider doing BEFORE you actually get into any online relationship. It would probably help if you and the potential PYL did one or more activities checklists, even modified to include some of your issues concerning no personal details, no cams, etc.

Good luck to you. Folks here are pretty nice (generally speaking ) and will probably be more than willing to communicate with you, answer questions, etc. As in everything online, however, "Trust but verify" is a good thought to keep in mind always.

 

[etoile_noir78]

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[Stella_Omega]

It isn't only about being safe, it's about being picky. You will need time to figure out what, exactly, you mean by "submission." You may need to try out playing with different tops before you find someone that clicks with you. As a sub, or as a bottom, you have the right to call things off for your own reasons.

As far as your calling yourself a "sub" in particular, I see that a lot when people come new into the scene-- I thought that myself at first, completely greedy for immersion and role-playing. But the truth is that's a relatively rare thing. You may find out that you mean something purely physical, in which case you'll want to call yourself a "Bottom" instead, because submission is about a psychological state-- forgive me if you already know this!

During this first year of exploration you should look into various practices, see which ones don't resonate for you, and which ones send you running for privacy to wank. They might include combinations of physical and psychological games, without actually being a submissive's mindset. Bondage plus being taunted about being in bondage, for instance.

One thing about allowing yourself to be helpless-- you can find out about your own strengths as well. You might love verbal humiliation, but being called "stupid" might simply make you laugh because you know so well that you are not and never will be 'stupid.' Or, you might find out that certain insults are a complete deal breaker for you, and you realise that you will never ever allow anyone to use them against you ever again...

 

[JMohegan]

As in everything online, however, "Trust but verify" is a good thought to keep in mind always.

Are you suggesting a double standard, in which the s remains anonymous but the D is compelled to verify whatever he/she claims to be valid?

Given the restrictions of the OP, wouldn't it be more reasonable, not to mention realistic, to ask for something comparable to that which she's willing to give?

Something like: Anonymous s seeks anonymous D for online __ [whatever]. Dates, times, and activities of interest to be negotiated, but everything else left unsaid.

 

[Ikk]

It isn't only about being safe, it's about being picky. You will need time to figure out what, exactly, you mean by "submission." You may need to try out playing with different tops before you find someone that clicks with you. As a sub, or as a bottom, you have the right to call things off for your own reasons.

As far as your calling yourself a "sub" in particular, I see that a lot when people come new into the scene-- I thought that myself at first, completely greedy for immersion and role-playing. But the truth is that's a relatively rare thing. You may find out that you mean something purely physical, in which case you'll want to call yourself a "Bottom" instead, because submission is about a psychological state-- forgive me if you already know this!

During this first year of exploration you should look into various practices, see which ones don't resonate for you, and which ones send you running for privacy to wank. They might include combinations of physical and psychological games, without actually being a submissive's mindset. Bondage plus being taunted about being in bondage, for instance.

One thing about allowing yourself to be helpless-- you can find out about your own strengths as well. You might love verbal humiliation, but being called "stupid" might simply make you laugh because you know so well that you are not and never will be 'stupid.' Or, you might find out that certain insults are a complete deal breaker for you, and you realise that you will never ever allow anyone to use them against you ever again...

Thanks everyone for your kind comments.

And Stella_Omega you are right, I may use the word sub wrongly, I do have a lot to learn and think about, I understand what you are saying, I hope I haven't offended anyone by using the word Sub to describe myself, I have thought about things for over a year now but I haven't ventured into anything, so it is all just still fantasy for me at this stage. I will be thinking about this some more. I don't want it to be just a sexual thing but until I enter into this lovely big bad world, I guess I won't know for sure.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks everyone for your kind comments.

And Stella_Omega you are right, I may use the word sub wrongly, I do have a lot to learn and think about, I understand what you are saying, I hope I haven't offended anyone by using the word Sub to describe myself, I have thought about things for over a year now but I haven't ventured into anything, so it is all just still fantasy for me at this stage. I will be thinking about this some more. I don't want it to be just a sexual thing but until I enter into this lovely big bad world, I guess I won't know for sure.

Offense? Not at all! Now, of you were to come here and insist that you knew the ONE TRUE WAY and it was not the way most people play-- but you haven't done anything like that.

There are two main concerns for a newbie in BDSM; being safe-- emotionally and physically-- and being satisfied-- emotionally and physically.

And as in every other thing, the more you know the safer you may be.

And for a mother, you must balance your desire to immerse yourself in this exploration against your love and duty to your kidlets (as I know very well)-- it's much more difficult for us to give ourselves permission for something that seems so selfish...

 

[FurryFury]

*HUGS* for being so lonely. I can totally understand that.

However, I don't really believe you need a lot of money or time to visit your local scene. I think you are making excuses to yourself and us. It may seem safer to play online but that is not always the case.

Around me, most munches are free, unless your order something in the public restaurant or coffee shop you are meeting at. What you order and how much is up to you. They meet bi monthly.

Most demos are also free after you pay a yearly fee which is quite small. Those go on once a month.

Play parties cost a little more but since you aren't doing any public play, you shouldn't have to pay it or be there for it. Those go one once a month after the demo.

I wouldn't write off the local group entirely. Yours may be different but it's real people who feel the way that you do about kink (generally speaking) and with whom you can get to know others. It takes a while to feel comfortable in a new group of people. Take that time.

You can, of course, play online with strong limits including not revealing your name, address, pics or cam. You need to be sure what you do is not at times and places that interfere with work or childminding.

Personally, I only need to know the other person is a good fit for me online because I never plan to meet them in real time. I am already in a relationship you see. You however might want to know that they are interested in taking it into real time some day.

You might want them to be single and available. These sorts of things are important to check out as well as you can. A great many people online don't ever want to be in real time for whatever reason. Often they are already married like me.

What you will likely find is that this is exciting at first with the right partner. Then, it becomes something else. You get a bigger craving for skin to skin stuff. Or you can get dropped or you get bored and do the dropping. I've been there in the past and it can be pretty painful. Mostly, I got angry at myself about my limits. So I don't do it anymore. For a while though it brought the bright promise of kink into my life. Sometimes, rarely, people are sincere and take it to a real time, skin to skin, relationship.

 

[graceanne]

*hugs* You can, it's just difficult. Figure out exactly what you are, and aren't looking for, set your own guidelines and find someone who can work within your guidelines. Most important, don't get discouraged; you'll probably go through a couple of D's before you find the right one for you.

 

[Ikk]

*HUGS* for being so lonely. I can totally understand that.

However, I don't really believe you need a lot of money or time to visit your local scene. I think you are making excuses to yourself and us. It may seem safer to play online but that is not always the case.

Around me, most munches are free, unless your order something in the public restaurant or coffee shop you are meeting at. What you order and how much is up to you. They meet bi monthly.

Most demos are also free after you pay a yearly fee which is quite small. Those go on once a month.

Play parties cost a little more but since you aren't doing any public play, you shouldn't have to pay it or be there for it. Those go one once a month after the demo.

I wouldn't write off the local group entirely. Yours may be different but it's real people who feel the way that you do about kink (generally speaking) and with whom you can get to know others. It takes a while to feel comfortable in a new group of people. Take that time.

You can, of course, play online with strong limits including not revealing your name, address, pics or cam. You need to be sure what you do is not at times and places that interfere with work or childminding.

Personally, I only need to know the other person is a good fit for me online because I never plan to meet them in real time. I am already in a relationship you see. You however might want to know that they are interested in taking it into real time some day.

You might want them to be single and available. These sorts of things are important to check out as well as you can. A great many people online don't ever want to be in real time for whatever reason. Often they are already married like me.

What you will likely find is that this is exciting at first with the right partner. Then, it becomes something else. You get a bigger craving for skin to skin stuff. Or you can get dropped or you get bored and do the dropping. I've been there in the past and it can be pretty painful. Mostly, I got angry at myself about my limits. So I don't do it anymore. For a while though it brought the bright promise of kink into my life. Sometimes, rarely, people are sincere and take it to a real time, skin to skin, relationship.

Hi FurryFury

I don't mean to dis my local BDSM community and I have nothing but respect for them, they were very, very good to me but there are complicated issues with babysitting with my family. Honestly I did try it the proper way.

I know what you are saying about how people will not be sincere and it is one of my big worries, I am fiercely protective of my family and I will use those hard, strong limits you mentioned and I know there is a huge risk that if I meet anyone decent I will crave one to one skin contact, I don't know what to say...I just felt like I was going to explode, I have hummed and arghhed about trying this for so long, I can only try and hope I keep my wits about me and don't get burn't.

I would love other ladies like me who are in a similar predicament to me to talk to. I have looked around the threads and I am taking into consideration all the advice I have read.

Would like to say though, in response to this thread I got some PMs off 'Doms' which I wasn't expecting, I am being careful, I'll probably be so careful they'll get bored soon.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes, you can do it online, and that can move to real life...we are living proof of tha. I would be wary of any group of people who demanded your time and energy just to be accepted by them. And yes, for a single parent, online is often a great way to go because it is a lot more difficult to go out (physically and financially), than those who are in an relationship or do not have the responsibility of children....often those who are not in that position fail to recognise just how difficult it can be. Been there, and found online to be the perfect answer.

All that being said, be careful, and don't allow yourself to be pressured or bullied into anything. The line 'if you were really submissive you would...' can be equated with the 'íf you really loved me you would...' line from our youth....IOW, just another way for someone to get their needs met without necessarily giving any thought to your needs or feelings.

Be open about what you know you want, what you might like to explore, and what you hope to get from such a relationship. Try to keep an open mind, and examine what they say and over time check for inconsistencies. Of course, that may be a lot more committed than you might want, but from my own experience I prefer to be on the same page more so than bury my doubts or questions in fantasy and get trapped into thinking it is something it is not. Most important, have fun.

Catalina

 

[Ikk]

Yes, you can do it online, and that can move to real life...we are living proof of tha. I would be wary of any group of people who demanded your time and energy just to be accepted by them. And yes, for a single parent, online is often a great way to go because it is a lot more difficult to go out (physically and financially), than those who are in an relationship or do not have the responsibility of children....often those who are not in that position fail to recognise just how difficult it can be. Been there, and found online to be the perfect answer.

All that being said, be careful, and don't allow yourself to be pressured or bullied into anything. The line 'if you were really submissive you would...' can be equated with the 'íf you really loved me you would...' line from our youth....IOW, just another way for someone to get their needs met without necessarily giving any thought to your needs or feelings.

Be open about what you know you want, what you might like to explore, and what you hope to get from such a relationship. Try to keep an open mind, and examine what they say and over time check for inconsistencies. Of course, that may be a lot more committed than you might want, but from my own experience I prefer to be on the same page more so than bury my doubts or questions in fantasy and get trapped into thinking it is something it is not. Most important, have fun.

Catalina

Thank you Catalina. nice to have a little reassurance, I love all this wonderful advice you are all giving me.

 

[trojan_man_co]

i have done quite a bit of online domination and id say that it is an excellent option. in fact it can be much safer than any other form. the ultimate safe word. if you don’t want to do it then you just don't. and you can literally make up any and all other information so that not a single detail of your personal life is known. id say the only draw back to it is you don’t truly get that feeling of your Dom/me being in control cus as i said before how will they punish you if you don’t do it... there’s nothing that can happen with out you allowing it.

 

[subish2009]

It can be done. I'm doing it, and have been for almost 10 months now. I just sort of fell into it, and I've been VERY LUCKY! Listen to the people on this board, follow their advice regarding not only safety, but also in terms of self-discovery. I have had the one-in-a-gazillion experience of finding someone who is not only so perfectly compatible with me in terms of the D/s side of our relationship, but in every other way, too. So much so that we fell in love with one another. While this is a beautiful thing, it's also presented some new challenges to our lives, so think about that possibility, too, when you're doing all this self-exploration: intimacy can lead places you don't expect. Or not. Happy and safe journey to you! And feel free to PM me if you're looking for more anecdotal details on how to make the online thing work.

 

[where]

.....

 

[BoredBankerBoy]

PM sent

 

[mattguize]

Just to agree with whats being said - yes it can be done. however, i really want to affirm the very first bit of advice you got from Sir Winston; that is, you will need to set boundaries in order that your time of discovery (be it sub or bottom or whichever term is preferable!) wont run the risk of interfering with family life.