First Story - Erotic Fantasy with a Dark Twist

[Silken_Steel]

Mirror, Mirror Chapter 1

Chapter 4 is now up! Thanks everyone for their advice and support.

Mirror, Mirror Chapter 1 is now up, and I would love input! This is my first purely erotic story (though somehow it got filed under 'non-erotic' - I guess I need to learn how to use a drop-down menu!) Chapters 2 and 3 are going through the submission mill.

The tag for the story reads 'A wicked queen rules through terror, pain and sex', but I suspect that the story might not be really scary. Maybe 'insinuatingly creepy'. There's some light queen-on-disinherited princess BDSM.

I also love to read other people's work - if you want to exchange critiques and have me look at your stories, please post a link to your story!

 

[Sanichi]

I nearly didn't read this because "terror" and "pain" are not my thing, but in fact it is more in the way of a fairy tale, I guess intentionally because of the title? It must be the wrong category because it is definitely erotic!

It's short but anyway easy to read. There is some accomplished writing and effective imagery ("candle-lit sprawl of her curves", the Queen "trailing silk and darkness", fever-hot hands). I like the idea of cast-offs in silks and satins, ripped and stained with "desperate sweat". It might need a proof read for a few things - I think "You search for goodness is one who has none," should read "in one", and something is off where: "the skin of my chest flush and grow hot". Tenses do sometimes drift.

It's a fine start for a story in chapters. It has a dark tone (all those buried lovers) yet a lush sensual expression. The BDSM is firm with cruel intent. The mention of the iron collar came abruptly; perhaps mention that the storyteller is literally held captive as well as emotionally. I might have misunderstood about the age of the girl, is this a flash forward?

Good work for a first story, I think you will find an audience. I look forward to the pending chapters.

 

[Silken_Steel]

Thanks for the excellent response! I appreciate the grammar/spelling catches, and the comments about the tone and tenses. I'll have to read it through with my ferocious red pen. Yes, the first part is supposed to be a flash-back. In my Word document, it was in italics to separate it from the later part of the story. I'll have to learn how to do that here, and tighten up the implications as well.

 

[Amontillado]

You can change the category with an edit. Go to submissions and submit the story again, just as you did the first time, only put EDITED after the title, make sure you choose the category you want it in, and in the Notes box, write that you are changing the category.

Your narrative moves very fast and in an almost broken way which I think suits the story well. The memory you began with was a great introduction, quickly explaining what had happened with minimal exposition, while giving a concrete example of how evil the stepmother is.

Introducing her dress for the first time as "no longer ragged" was another touch I liked; you're moving parts of the story off the page and into negative space, creating suspense and interest. And as Sanichi said, you've got some great imagery and description going on.

Great conflict between the stepmother and the princess; again, you illustrate your point so well, with mended seams of her dress providing a concrete detail to show why the princess must resist the queen's seduction.

You're really doing an awful lot for such a short story, great job! I love the mood you set and I can't wait to read more of it.

 

[Silken_Steel]

Aha! Okay, I've now submitted an edited version with some changes, including the correct category.

Thanks for the in-depth commentary; it really helps to hear what people like about the story, so that I can see how they view it from their perspective. And so I know what parts to emphasize! Its great to know that the impressions from my head are making it through to the page.

 

[Sanichi]

I just read the follow-up chapters. You are well into your stride with this atmospheric story. It does seem more like the gothic fairy tale I took it to be (Snow White is mentioned in one tag but not yet in the story). Each chapter is quite short, and taken together they build up a dark and very erotic story world.

The style is set from the opening paragraphs of Chapter 02, where the carved wooden door seems to yield like flesh. An unsettling and effective image. The wicked Queen/evil step-mother is potentially a great character - I can't help picturing the bony-fingered Ice Queen or Cruella deVille! There is a delicious sense of anticipation in the girl's preparation. I can't guess what the relationship between the girl and the son will turn out to be.

Did the girl lock the door behind her? You mention that the door sometimes opens on its own, so I imagine it got locked as she came in, but anyway it might heighten the anticipation if she was already waiting in the room, confined and kept captive, warned by the Mirror and trembling as she heard the noise at the door. That's well drawn where the girl holds her breath as well as she can, "to avoid pulling her magic inside me."

The chapter where the girl is seduced by the Mirror had all the elements of a phone sex story but with the other party more directly involved, if not quite present (trapped in the mirror, not a voice on the phone). Very creative. I was thrown by the opening sentence: ["She's not here," comes a voice as I wake, strong, male and thankfully familiar.] Of course it's the voice, and not her body that is strong, male and familiar! I had the idea by now that anything might happen in this fantasy world...

 

[TaylorDC]

I only read the first chapter its somewhat intresting I might read the others later.

 

[bwallard]

It's an intriguing story but there's too much summary for me, too much "would". You describe the relationship through a summary of its conditions, but never give an instance. For me, just one reader, I'd prefer to see one instance of that condition, one scene played out.

 

[Silken_Steel]

I just read the follow-up chapters. You are well into your stride with this atmospheric story. It does seem more like the gothic fairy tale I took it to be (Snow White is mentioned in one tag but not yet in the story). Each chapter is quite short, and taken together they build up a dark and very erotic story world.

The style is set from the opening paragraphs of Chapter 02, where the carved wooden door seems to yield like flesh. An unsettling and effective image. The wicked Queen/evil step-mother is potentially a great character - I can't help picturing the bony-fingered Ice Queen or Cruella deVille! There is a delicious sense of anticipation in the girl's preparation. I can't guess what the relationship between the girl and the son will turn out to be.

Did the girl lock the door behind her? You mention that the door sometimes opens on its own, so I imagine it got locked as she came in, but anyway it might heighten the anticipation if she was already waiting in the room, confined and kept captive, warned by the Mirror and trembling as she heard the noise at the door. That's well drawn where the girl holds her breath as well as she can, "to avoid pulling her magic inside me."

The chapter where the girl is seduced by the Mirror had all the elements of a phone sex story but with the other party more directly involved, if not quite present (trapped in the mirror, not a voice on the phone). Very creative. I was thrown by the opening sentence: ["She's not here," comes a voice as I wake, strong, male and thankfully familiar.] Of course it's the voice, and not her body that is strong, male and familiar! I had the idea by now that anything might happen in this fantasy world...

Your indepth critique is very helpful; thank you, thank you, thank you. It just makes me wish I could edit the story here on the site right away!

It's an intriguing story but there's too much summary for me, too much "would". You describe the relationship through a summary of its conditions, but never give an instance. For me, just one reader, I'd prefer to see one instance of that condition, one scene played out.

It's never just one reader, though - if you're thinking it, lots of other people are too, so it's great that you took the time to let me know. I'm going to guess that you're referring to the relationship between the Snow White character (the girl) and the queen? What type of scene do you think would be best - maybe one where the girl observes the evil stepmother seduces one of her victims?

 

[SexToys7]

Ohhh very interesting story, Im done reading with chapter 1. Maybe more interesting on the next chapter

Does the wicked queen dont use sex toys? hehe

 

[PacoFear]

Engaging and hot

Hi Silken,

I just finished the first three chapters of Mirror and genuinely enjoyed them. For my tastes, you've got it all: characters, dialogue, and an extraordinary hand with the descriptive prose. Seriously, well done all around.

As far as stuff to work on, there were two mechanical things that struck me.

Paragraph sizes: make 'em smaller for online posting. It makes it easier to read and the story will feel like it moves along more quickly for the reader.

Verb tenses: often with the conditionals.

E.g., your:

"Often she makes me wait in attendance on her while she received her paramours, men drawn by the intensity of her dark eyes and the candle-lit sprawl of her curves."

might read better as:

"Often she would make me wait in attendance on her while she received her paramours, men drawn by the intensity of her dark eyes and the candle-lit sprawl of her curves."

Content-wise, the only suggestion I have is that it seems a little slow with the plot. What you have is spectacular, but I'd have loved a bit of foreshadowing as to where all this was going. Is your narrator dreaming of escape? Of revenge? Both? A paragraph or two on this point might go far.

Let me back up and say it again: I loved this. I'll be checking in on you for the next chapter.

-PF

 

[bwallard]

Your indepth critique is very helpful; thank you, thank you, thank you. It just makes me wish I could edit the story here on the site right away!



It's never just one reader, though - if you're thinking it, lots of other people are too, so it's great that you took the time to let me know. I'm going to guess that you're referring to the relationship between the Snow White character (the girl) and the queen? What type of scene do you think would be best - maybe one where the girl observes the evil stepmother seduces one of her victims?

You're walking up the stairs and I'm thinking something's going to happen at the top of the stairs but you go from that to a "would" scene.

I want to see what happens at the top of the stairs, or on the way up the stairs. I want to experience the Bitch - not just hear about her.

So, for me, this one reader, you have written a background for the one scene, or group of scenes, that will tell the story.

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" That's a scene. That's not covered by "she would have frothy-mouthed conversations with her mirror."

Ok - that's an unfair characterization of what you've written, but perhaps you see my point?

Possibly, you're trying to write a whole different story than the one I want to read, but your story reads like background to the story you want to write.

 

[Silken_Steel]

Hi Silken,

I just finished the first three chapters of Mirror and genuinely enjoyed them. For my tastes, you've got it all: characters, dialogue, and an extraordinary hand with the descriptive prose. Seriously, well done all around.

As far as stuff to work on, there were two mechanical things that struck me.

Paragraph sizes: make 'em smaller for online posting. It makes it easier to read and the story will feel like it moves along more quickly for the reader.

Verb tenses: often with the conditionals.

E.g., your:

"Often she makes me wait in attendance on her while she received her paramours, men drawn by the intensity of her dark eyes and the candle-lit sprawl of her curves."

might read better as:

"Often she would make me wait in attendance on her while she received her paramours, men drawn by the intensity of her dark eyes and the candle-lit sprawl of her curves."

Content-wise, the only suggestion I have is that it seems a little slow with the plot. What you have is spectacular, but I'd have loved a bit of foreshadowing as to where all this was going. Is your narrator dreaming of escape? Of revenge? Both? A paragraph or two on this point might go far.

Let me back up and say it again: I loved this. I'll be checking in on you for the next chapter.

-PF

Thanks! I need to be more aware of the narrowness of the margins on this site, to keep the paragraph sizes down! It's good to know. I completely agree about increasing the tension of the story by foreshadowing. Because this is a sexy-smutty story , I wasn't as concerned about the direction of the plot, so I didn't fully flesh out of the storyline before I sat down to write.

Over the last few years, I've become allergic to the passive voice (would, was, etc) and I think I'm getting a little on the paranoid side, trying to avoid it even when it might be correct or more clear.

 

[Amontillado]

Over the last few years, I've become allergic to the passive voice (would, was, etc) and I think I'm getting a little on the paranoid side, trying to avoid it even when it might be correct or more clear.

Passive voice is making the object of action into the subject of the sentence--so if you said "I was often made to wait in attendance on her," that would be passive. "Often she would make me wait in attendance on her," is actually active--the subject of the sentence, "she," is performing the action on "me."

I read the next two chapters and again, you really nail this stuff Your story is such a treat! I love your approach to the gothic fairy tale, probably because I like seeing a good-hearted fairy tale protagonist managing to thrive in the midst of such a very, very dark environment. You've got her burying bodies and enduring all kinds of humiliation, but she's managing to hold on to herself and resist the seductive evil of her stepmother.

And you realize that environment so well; "as if lust could be a wet humidity hanging in the air," such wonderful descriptions.

One last thing--Sanichi mentioned the opening sentence to chapter three throwing her off, and I agree. You generally do want a clause to be right next to the word it describes. That way it's clear "strong, male, and thankfully familiar" refer to the voice, and not the protagonist

Thanks for writing, can't wait to read more

 

[Silken_Steel]

You're walking up the stairs and I'm thinking something's going to happen at the top of the stairs but you go from that to a "would" scene.

I want to see what happens at the top of the stairs, or on the way up the stairs. I want to experience the Bitch - not just hear about her.

So, for me, this one reader, you have written a background for the one scene, or group of scenes, that will tell the story.

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" That's a scene. That's not covered by "she would have frothy-mouthed conversations with her mirror."

Ok - that's an unfair characterization of what you've written, but perhaps you see my point?

Possibly, you're trying to write a whole different story than the one I want to read, but your story reads like background to the story you want to write.

No, I think you're making a very fair point. "Show, don't tell", right? More action, rather than exposition in the first chapter would be a good thing. It's sometimes hard to tell how fast the pace is going, or how removed the tone is when you're seeing the story in your head.

 

[Silken_Steel]

Passive voice is making the object of action into the subject of the sentence--so if you said "I was often made to wait in attendance on her," that would be passive. "Often she would make me wait in attendance on her," is actually active--the subject of the sentence, "she," is performing the action on "me."

I read the next two chapters and again, you really nail this stuff Your story is such a treat! I love your approach to the gothic fairy tale, probably because I like seeing a good-hearted fairy tale protagonist managing to thrive in the midst of such a very, very dark environment. You've got her burying bodies and enduring all kinds of humiliation, but she's managing to hold on to herself and resist the seductive evil of her stepmother.

And you realize that environment so well; "as if lust could be a wet humidity hanging in the air," such wonderful descriptions.

One last thing--Sanichi mentioned the opening sentence to chapter three throwing her off, and I agree. You generally do want a clause to be right next to the word it describes. That way it's clear "strong, male, and thankfully familiar" refer to the voice, and not the protagonist

Thanks for writing, can't wait to read more

You are completely right about the definition of the passive voice. Oops. Where's the blushing smilie?

Snow White is perhaps a little on the unrealistic side of strong - I'm working hard to find a balance, without reacting against the terrible, terrible Disney versions of fairytale heroines. The early ones all need some kind of assertiveness therapy.

Edit for the awkward beginning of chapter 3 in the works, and Chapter 4 on the way. My (first) edit of Chapter 1 is posted - THANKS to everyone who threw in their comments!

 

[Amontillado]

Snow White is perhaps a little on the unrealistic side of strong - I'm working hard to find a balance, without reacting against the terrible, terrible Disney versions of fairytale heroines.

I think you're doing a good job of it--I've been reading it as a fairy tale in the old tradition without really even thinking of Disney, and I like your Snow White. She's intimidated, frightened, and forlorn, but she hasn't come to the point of giving up or growing bitter. She's a melancholy heroine, treating the husks of her stepmother's victims with reverence and stealing brief moments of passions with her trapped lover. Definitely one of the more likable characters I've read in a while.

 

[bwallard]

No, I think you're making a very fair point. "Show, don't tell", right? More action, rather than exposition in the first chapter would be a good thing. It's sometimes hard to tell how fast the pace is going, or how removed the tone is when you're seeing the story in your head.

I read the next two chapters and they are much better. We're there!

 

[Silken_Steel]

Snippet of Chapter 4

Thank you so much for everyone who commented and helped me with editing. I haven't forgotten about this story - thank you Grumpy Gamby for being a motivator.

Here's a little piece of Chapter 4, which should be going into the submission mill tomorrow:

Another scene plays out in my mind – confused images but the strong sensation of sinking to my knees, a hand threading into my hair, controlling me. My mouth falling open and taking a thick shaft deep inside my wetness. Wrapping tongue around the head of the cock, fingers reaching up to cradle heavy testicles, urging with my mouth, hands and the desperate noises for the salty cum to fill my mouth, slide down my throat.

I can't help reacting to these visions, anymore than I can resist gravity or hunger or cold. Whatever it is out there is reaching into my mind, playing these sensations over my body, looking into my fantasies and giving me pictures of my deepest desires. I moan, rolling my hips, showing how much I want what I visualize in my mind.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Silken, hi.

Just off, with excitement, to read you after all the laureates here. Proves that the forum is good publicity. Before I go read can I make a schoolma'am comment on the firestorm Paco seems to have started?

'would' is not passive - passive is as Amontillado said, a reversal of subject and object around a verb, e.g. 'the house built by my friend' , active would be, my friend built the house. I share your dislike of passive in most narrative but it can be effective in scenes where you want your protag to be 'acted upon' (I wish).

Paco is confused by his conditionals, bless him. 'Would' can take three forms;

Conditional: "If I were a man I would screw every woman I met."

The past tense : of 'will'

"I always knew I would write best selling erotic novels"

Your use is 'repetiton in the past';

"Often she makes me wait in attendance on her while she received her paramours, men drawn by the intensity of her dark eyes and the candle-lit sprawl of her curves."

might read better as:

"Often she would make me wait in attendance on her while she received her paramours, men drawn by the intensity of her dark eyes and the candle-lit sprawl of her curves."

He is right but for the wrong reasons.

A verb tense only English has, I think, is the continuous past ,'I would always go to the shop on Mondays' - just like the continuous present, 'I walk my dog', 'I am walking my dog.'

Lecture over and I'm off to read your masterpiece.

Elle

 

[D_K_Moon]

It's really quite short, there's not much of a plot built, or characters developed. At this point, I have no real desire to read any further. I think I'd ditch the first paragraph, it's does nothing for the story. I'd begin with the third, and insert the second after.

As has been mentioned, you need to learn how to write a paragraph. A sentence relays a single thought, and a paragraph is a group of related thoughts. So, when you change characters, or subjects, start a new paragraph.

One of the previous comments referenced that this is a bit like a fairy, and I agree. It's quite like a number of well known fairy tales, what have you done different that adds something new to your plot?

Why should the reader want to read anything past this chapter? What have you done to entice into the second and then the third and on? Your first chapter, especially here, is critical to hook the readers. I think you've fallen a bit short there.

 

[Silken_Steel]

New Chapter Up!

Chapter 4 is Now Up!

Thanks again for all the critiques and the comments. So much easier to keep writing this kind of story when you know what's going on for the reader! I'm working on chapter five and an edit of some of the previous chapters - does anyone know if there's a limit to the number of submissions you can post at one time? Will submitting edited versions of the old chapters keep people from reading them while I'm waiting for them to process?