How to tell my Husband...

[whitegold290]

Definately don't tell him or anyone else. He probably wouldn't understand and things would get ugly. If you can't quit taper off a bit but enjoy online when you can. Thats what I have done with a partner that doesn't understand and everything else is okay. Enjoy what you can when you can.

 

[subwannabe]

You're in a tough position, although one you put yourself in. I think his reaction to this is going to be worse than you think. Forgive me for not reading all of the responses but I have to ask, What are you wanting the outcome of telling him to be?

1. He will understand your needs more and make more of an attempt to please you? I'm sorry but I don't see that happening.

2. He will understand your needs more and will let you play around, so to speak? I don't see that happening either.

3. Get rid of the guilt, no matter what happens.

I only see the following as realistic outcomes:

1. He gets pissed off but forgives you, as long as you quit your activity.

2. He gets pissed off and divorces you.

You seem to be really getting the guilties over all this. Are you capable of quitting cold turkey and going on with your life as it was?

 

[Canadian_cutie]

I know that unfortunately its going to be one of the 2 real options. Ive pretty much decided that I need to seek help for myself before I involve anyone else and if he finds out about what i was doing before I will just tell him that i have stopped, realized that what I was doing was wrong and am trying to seek help. I will refer him here I guess. I dont want to lose him...ever.

 

[ShadowMasta]

In my opinion there has been some really good advice given and then some really bad advice given

First thing you need to know is that no one here is a Pshycologist. If any of you who have replied are then I apologize. What I am trying to get at is that the advice given here is everyone's personal opinions. In the end you need to make up your own mind. By all means digest what everyone says but in the end you know yourself and your husband so you know what is the best course of action

I do feel that you need to come clean with him though. I am sure he is not stupid and chances are realizes already what you are up to. I agree maybe not telling him every gory detail at first, that might be to much for now or ever. However a marriage built on lies is not a marriage at all.

It is a pity that your expression of interests in BDSM have fallen on deaf ears with him. What does he say? Why will he not explore with you? These are things the 2 of you need to discuss. He needs to know it is something you want and won't go away by just ignoring it

If it is difficult for you to talk to each other then I definitely suggest a marriage counselor, preferably a kink aware one but if that is not possible then any sort. But definitely see a counselor. Don't just throw that upon him. Bring up the issue of BDSM with him again, if still he won't listen then tell him you are unhappy and want to see a counselor together. Individual counceling for yourself is also a great idea to get your emotions and thoughts in a straight line before making a rash decision

Breaking off the online D/s is your number one priority now. You cant have your husband and your online Dom. Well I have read of cases where this works so actually it is for you to decide. But if you want this stuff from your husband you need to focus on him fully. Your marriage deserves that. Lets hope he loves you enough to realize what a big thing it is for you to confide in him and shows how much you love him

 

[JMaxwell69]

Not to make light, but...

have you considered writing it down on a piece of paper, and handing it to him while you are giving him head.

My wife could pretty much tell me she burned down the house while having sex with the mailman because he lost his balance when she shoved the urn containing my grandmother's ashes up his ass and fell over onto the stove, and I would take the news with a smile if I were getting a BJ at the time.

 

[Canadian_cutie]

I dont think that would work very well...BJs and bad news dont mix
Thx Shadow..you've been a great friend for helping me understand my husband

 

[Primalex]

a) This is not about BDSM.

b) I completely disagree with FFs advice to focus on the persons you love. This will end in hating yourself more and all the ones you love in the next 5 years.

c) Learn to live with the guilt. It's your well-deserved punishment - accept it.

d) Maybe you should remove your tit pictures from the www, if you are serious about it.

 

[unsettled]

have you considered writing it down on a piece of paper, and handing it to him while you are giving him head.

My wife could pretty much tell me she burned down the house while having sex with the mailman because he lost his balance when she shoved the urn containing my grandmother's ashes up his ass and fell over onto the stove, and I would take the news with a smile if I were getting a BJ at the time.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That is fantastic!

 

[scotsmitch2001]

What the eyes dont see..the heart doesnt grief about

 

[sb2009]

I'm with Fury on this..and I've been the one who has been cheated on, so I'm not talking out of my hiney here.

In our case, I asked, he told me, and we took steps to work on our marriage. We had had a great relationship, with lots of communication, friendship and sex..and it got off track with other stuff.

I for one don't even mention it, never have, because *for me* our marriage is what i want and why bring up mistakes? I make them too. But we had some excellent marriage counseling that got us on track again.

I would suggest NOT telling him until you get some individual counseling and get some idea of what you want...you may learn a lot about yourself.

 

[Primalex]

I'm with Fury on this..and I've been the one who has been cheated on, so I'm not talking out of my hiney here.

Yes, you do, because you are a woman. Don't expect men to behave like women.

 

[Netzach]

Don't expect men to behave like each other either. You know your husband, and it seems like the divorce fears wouldn't be discussed unless they were founded. Other guys would laugh it off, other guys would be pissed that you didn't *say* anything if you didn't, but you did.

I hope you also didn't just ask this once and that's it. Bringing it up once or twice isn't letting it sink in when you're talking about sexual needs. Nagging about it every minute, conversely is also a bad idea, but sometimes one person thinks the other grasps the importance of something they're not grasping the importance of.

I agree with Primalex. You made your decisions, clear eyed as an adult. You need to live with them. Telling him may relieve YOU of some tension but does nothing for him. Nothing.

You also might want to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life sexually restless and married to someone who would divorce you over internet only acting out because he won't talk about sex and you need to. If you think you can just stop and never act on your orientation again, I hate to say the odds on that are about as good and as healthy as pray the gay away ex gays.

 

[MALIBUMAN666]

If you delete everything and blah blah blah, and tell your husband and nothing changes - then what?

Your husband seems to be pretty much giving you the message that he doesn't want to go down this route, so what's going to change his mind?

I guess you need to decide what's the most important thing to you, though this is extremely complicated given that you have children. Would you be better off a single mother free to indulge in BDSM? or married and frustrated?

You say your children are small, so it's not like they are going to leave home anytime soon. Can you wait, and do you want to wait?

Sometimes it's possible to be in a relationship and not see how unhappy you were until you get out of it. You say he's your knight in shining armour and you don't want to lose him, etc... but then you say he's kept track of your keyboard before!

HELL-O!

So that being the case, is he probably not aware of your shenanigins already?

 

[BLoved]

hmm ...

It appears to me you want to end your marriage, and you want your husband to make the decision to divorce you. You've cheated him of the truth, shared yourself in ways you know he'd never approve, and plan on confronting him with what you've done so as to rub his nose in the fact that because he didn't show enough interest in you, you've effectively destroyed whatever trust bound you together.

This will leave you free to pursue bdsm while destroying whatever self-esteem you have left.

I think it is a little late to be worrying about how you present this situation to your husband. Your lack of trust in him, your lack of devotion to your marriage and your inability to be trustworthy has ruined your marriage.

This does not ignore whatever faults he might have, but whatever high ground you had before you cheated is gone thanks to your decision to cheat.

A loving wife would have worked through the problems within the marriage, not turned to strangers for lusty adventures.

I think your husband has a right to know how you have betrayed his trust and I wouldn't blame him if he chose to divorce you as quickly as possible and limit your contact with the children. You have not demonstrated the good judgment one should expect from a wife and mother.

I would recommend therapy to learn why you suffer from these self-destructive tendencies. You have certainly boxed yourself into a corner where you've left yourself no good choices. At some level, consciously or subconsciously, you have set yourself up for this confrontation and it is not one where you can come out ahead. That much was predictable the minute you made the decision to betray your husband's trust and at some level you must have been aware of this.

And now you want to regain his trust by confessing to him, which will bring to his attention how you betrayed his trust, thus setting him up for this painful predicament.

Why should he trust you again?

To be honest, I think you want out of the marriage, and I think you've set this up to achieve that goal. You do not want to be the one who makes the decision to end it, so you've boxed your husband into a corner where he will most likely make that decision for you.

Personally, I'm going to reserve my sympathy for the children whose well-being does not seem to matter much to you, else you'd not have behaved in a manner that would put your marriage (and their family) at risk.

 

[MALIBUMAN666]

A loving wife would have worked through the problems within the marriage, not turned to strangers for lusty adventures.

Isn't that a bit harsh?
Given that she said she has tried to broach this subject several times.

 

[BLoved]

Isn't that a bit harsh?
Given that she said she has tried to broach this subject several times.

Before my wife died of cancer I was married. Neither of us cheated the other of truth or trust.

There are two honourable solutions to marital problems: you work it out together, or you divorce.

Were this the tale of a dominant man who was cheating on his vanilla wife would people be as charitable? Do we apply a double-standard in the case of submissive women? Don't the principles of faith and fidelity apply equally?

And what of the children? Is their family not at risk thanks to this woman's behaviour? Did she even consider how her decisions would impact her children if and when her husband found out?

Every marriage experiences difficulties now and then, are we prepared for the consequences if we should say that is an acceptable excuse for cheating, or that those who cheat deserve our sympathy and pity for deciding to betray the trust of a spouse ... men and women?

I think not.

The vows of faithfulness one gives a spouse are amongst the most sacred, no less so than the committments we make to keep our children safe.

As I see it, this woman has betrayed both her husband and her children.

Am I to feel sorry for the woman who has caused this problem, or the innocents who were betrayed?

 

[Primalex]

Isn't that a bit harsh?

Worse: it's just wrong.

Love does not make you do the right things, it's actually infamous for making you do the wrong things.

 

[Canadian_cutie]

I have not asked for pity or sympathy. I know that what I did was very wrong and now I'm in the process of getting help for myself. I have not told my husband and do not intend to at this point, if it somehow becomes known to my husband I will deal with the consequences. Otherwise, I will keep it to myself for the rest of my life.
I AM NOT looking for a divorce. My husband is my life and without him I am nothing. Everyone makes mistakes, this just happened to be mine.
Bloved, you may have some good points but your a little off the mark, I would never leave my husband for sexual fulfillment. BDSM means nothing to me without him.

 

[Primalex]

Neither of us cheated the other of truth or trust.

Unfortunately, this is just an assumption.

There are two honourable solutions to marital problems: you work it out together, or you divorce.

Honourable. Is this important?

Were this the tale of a dominant man who was cheating on his vanilla wife would people be as charitable? Do we apply a double-standard in the case of submissive women? Don't the principles of faith and fidelity apply equally?

A soldier is allowed to kill humans, a banker is not. Is this a double standard about the value of life? We don't lump everything together and enforce the same standard for every situation out there.

And what of the children? Is their family not at risk thanks to this woman's behaviour? Did she even consider how her decisions would impact her children if and when her husband found out?

a) She did not cheat. The marriage failed. Divorce. Kids get dragged around. Parenting plan.
b) She did cheat. She decides to work on her marriage. The marriage succeeds. Kids grow up in a happy environment.

Now choose. a) or b) and NO, you don't get your little perfect world c).

 

[sb2009]

kids mostly do well in divorce. I know, shocker! But really, if the kids are suffering becuase of a divorce, there are usually other factors, like fucknuts for parents. Divorce is not the death knell for kids, not matter what anyone thinks.

Life throws all kinds of curve balls at relationships. I sure as hell am not going too stick to "honor" and be miserable for my entire life. And what if she's not sure she wants a divorce? She jacked off with people on the internet. If everyone went and filed for divorce when they were tempted to explore something new, we'd need 24/7 hours at the courthouse.

 

[BLoved]

I have not asked for pity or sympathy. I know that what I did was very wrong and now I'm in the process of getting help for myself. I have not told my husband and do not intend to at this point, if it somehow becomes known to my husband I will deal with the consequences. Otherwise, I will keep it to myself for the rest of my life.
I AM NOT looking for a divorce. My husband is my life and without him I am nothing. Everyone makes mistakes, this just happened to be mine.
Bloved, you may have some good points but your a little off the mark, I would never leave my husband for sexual fulfillment. BDSM means nothing to me without him.

If that were true you would not have made the decisions you made.

Obviously BDSM was more important to you than your vows and your children.

You placed both in jeopardy. Where was your concern for them then? Why weren't they important enough at the time you made these decisions?

 

[BLoved]

As for the rest of you ... excuse cheating all you want. I just hope before you get involved with another they know your viewpoint regarding cheating so that they will feel as free to cheat as you obviously do.

 

[Canadian_cutie]

Geez. You must feel pretty strongly about the subject. I myself feel as though I was being unfaithful in a moment of weakness but its not like I went out in RL and got myself fucked. That form of cheating is something I would never consider.

 

[kittyn_]

Life throws all kinds of curve balls at relationships. I sure as hell am not going too stick to "honor" and be miserable for my entire life. And what if she's not sure she wants a divorce? She jacked off with people on the internet. If everyone went and filed for divorce when they were tempted to explore something new, we'd need 24/7 hours at the courthouse.

I'm new here, so probably should keep my nose out of this one, but having been here and done the (now obvious) stupid confession route, I gotta open my mouth.

I think the underlined part of the quote points out the entire 'seriousness' of the offense here. It's not like she got on personals sites and went "please, I need fucked, oh, and a bit of kink thrown in would be good." and actually did anything.

From my own personal experience here, at least in my relationship, the thing that killed my husband about an online infidelity was more the who, not so much the fact that it occurred. He actually told me I should have just not said anything because now, like when I'm typing this, he gets worried about what I'm doing, even when it's (relatively) innocent.

Granted, mine doesn't completely sync up, as I have a history of actually cheating as well, so he has a bit more reason to be paranoid, but I'd say keep your mouth shut, figure out why, and for Gods sake, don't tell him later.

Think about it. If it were reversed, and it was your husband screwing around, online, anyway, and he just casually said one day "By the way, about X months/years ago, I was having a relationship with someone online, but I cut it off because I knew you wouldn't approve" it's gonna hurt. Even more than it might have if you'd found out about it on your own. It's no longer an issue of hurting him and your relationship, it's a matter of hurting him, ignoring your relationship, realizing that the relationship is important to you, and stopping X self destructive behavior. And then to find out about it a while later, when in his mind, it was all at least 'ok'.

While it may make you feel good/self righteous to be able to brag later 'But baby, look at what I did for you!' it's one of those suck it up and deal with it or be honest and get it over with situations, at least in my opinion.

 

[00Syd]

As for the rest of you ... excuse cheating all you want. I just hope before you get involved with another they know your viewpoint regarding cheating so that they will feel as free to cheat as you obviously do.

Oh, please. Join the real world.