How to tell my Husband...

[Canadian_cutie]

I have had a couple online D/s relationships and have 'played' with a few people from Lit in the last month and it has left me feeling like an adultress.... I now feel the need to confess to my husband and cut all ties to the different people I have met online. Have any other women done this? What is the best way to tell my husband? Should I tell him everything or leave out the bits that would likely destroy us? How do you tell the person you love that you are doing something they will hate you for? Im going to try to sit and talk with him tonight but I have no idea how to approach the subject.......HELP PLZ

 

[FurryFury]

I have no idea except to simply sit down and communicate in as loving, thoughtful and honest ways that you know how.

My question is why did you go behind his back? That's what he is likely going to want to know too.

My other question is, will he be best served by you expelling your guilt in a confession to him?

Think about it. Think about what is best for HIM.

 

[Canadian_cutie]

I told my husband of my interest in certain aspects of BDSM many months ago and he just looked at me like i was crazy. I guess I went behind his back because he shows no interest in me. It started with one friend, nothing too serious and an AM pic thread.... It felt good to know so many people had seen what I look like and had complimented....I have a terrible self body image and my husband does not pay me compliments. From there everything just got out of hand.
As for my confessing to him, he will not like it, it will hurt but I think he needs to know the truth. One thing I try to always do is be honest and lately I have not been. I already know i could not live with myself if I didnt tell him atleast most of what has happened but im terribly afraid of divorce....

 

[FurryFury]

You might want to find some kink friendly marriage counselors. That's one way to keep a marriage going when he is ignoring you, not understanding you and you are being deceptive. If you both want to make it work out, you can but if only one of you wants to make it work out, you can't.

Good luck.

 

[Canadian_cutie]

We have 2 small children and our marriage is otherwise perfect so that may be a good idea...

 

[FurryFury]

Okay, sorry but "otherwise perfect" doesn't compute. That's a pretty idea but it's hard to buy at this point. I'm about to lay out some disturbing ideas for you below. These are thought questions.

If you really don't want to have to worry about a divorce at this time, and you think this is likely to cause one, I have to say don't tell him.

Tell a friend. Tell a kink aware counselor, go to a marriage counselor who is kink aware but don't spew your deceptions and online cheating out to him because of your guilt. Is your guilt worth tearing everything apart? Isn't there a better way to deal with it?

Now suppose you do tell him and a divorce does happen? He has all the cards there because his wife is perverted, and all that. Do you really think hurting him while simultaneously giving him ammo against you is a good idea?

Of course he could be cool with it and deal with it better than you expect. You never know.

I just hate to see you potentially tear apart your family because he doesn't pay you any attention and instead of continuing to insist on communication with him, and changes, on your (couple) issues, you instead decided to be deceptive and went to others.

Seriously. Just think before acting out of guilt.

 

[Canadian_cutie]

Those are very good points but I feel that if I dont tell him, he will find out some other way and the repercussions would be worse than if i had just told him myself. Me telling him may not lead to divorce but him finding out on his own surely would....

 

[FurryFury]

Are these online affairs or were there any others?

 

[Canadian_cutie]

Everything was online...although I have sent out pics and vids...

 

[FurryFury]

So how do you think he will find out?

 

[FurryFury]

Other questions to ask yourself, would I want to know or would I rather be in ignorant bliss?

If I were one of my kids would I want my mom to tell my dad this?

 

[Canadian_cutie]

He works with computers and likely has some sort of keylogger type program on my laptop. I have found one on here before.

 

[FurryFury]

So he has been spying on you?

 

[Canadian_cutie]

Before yes, although I dont know why. Ive never done anything like this before

 

[FurryFury]

My grandfather stupidly confessed a war time affair to my grandmother. She punished him every single day they were together after that. This is where I'm coming from. They didn't divorce though.

I'd say take any pictures or vids down. Delete them and any other information about this. Go confess to your clergy, counselor or whomever.

Then get into counseling and try to make your relationship work better.

But either way, whatever you do, good luck.

I have to run.

 

[Canadian_cutie]

thx fury...

 

[Canadian_cutie]

I will still tell him, if i have to be reminded everyday for the rest of my life it will be only because of my own stupidity. I think he deserves the truth.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

CC, are you trying to maintain honesty in your relationship, or are you trying to get him to punish you because you feel guilty?

OR...

The whole "It started with one friend, nothing too serious and an AM pic thread.... It felt good to know so many people had seen what I look like and had complimented" thing makes me wonder:

Are you trying to punish *him,* because he "does not pay me compliments?"

 

[Canadian_cutie]

I am not trying to punish or be punished. I just feel the need to be fully honest with my husband. I good marriage is never built or sustained on lies.

 

[midwestyankee]

I am not trying to punish or be punished. I just feel the need to be fully honest with my husband. I good marriage is never built or sustained on lies.

I think you really, really need to examine your motives here. And I honestly doubt if you can do so without someone else's help. Most people are terrible at honest introspection, which is why counseling works so much better than gazing at your own navel (no matter how lovely the navel).

In many respects, I was in a very similar situation to yours about a year ago. It took a couple months of counseling before I could reach a decent understanding of my true motives. Only then did I decide my course of action.

Please, for your and your family's sake, do not enter into this discussion without fully understanding your motives. You will thank yourself for taking your time.

 

[mustang200]

A couple of things to remember...

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." Robert Heinlein. Will telling him make him happy?

Another quote from Robert Heinlein...

"Dear, don't bore him with trivia or burden him with your past mistakes. The happiest way to deal with a man is never to tell him anything he does not need to know."

To be truthful, I do not want to know where my wife eats lunch, as long as she remembers that dinner is served at home.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[Canadian_cutie]

A couple of things to remember...

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." Robert Heinlein. Will telling him make him happy?

Another quote from Robert Heinlein...

"Dear, don't bore him with trivia or burden him with your past mistakes. The happiest way to deal with a man is never to tell him anything he does not need to know."

To be truthful, I do not want to know where my wife eats lunch, as long as she remembers that dinner is served at home.

Good luck with your decision.

Wouldnt not telling him be lying by omission?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Wouldnt not telling him be lying by omission?

Only if part of your wedding vows was


... "the truth, the whole truth, and..."

 

[Canadian_cutie]

Alas it was all greek and i understood nothing

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Greek weddings don't include that phrase to my knowledge...

Okay... you've told him you were interested in BDSM, and in essence requested that he consider making that a part of your relationship. Since he didn't show any interest, and "looked at [you] like [you were] crazy," tell him again... and that if he's still not interested in that aspect of your personality and sexuality, then he's going to get left behind as you explore it online. And perhaps OFFline, if it turns out that this IS a necessary part of your life experience.