Newbie needs feedback

[mike4261]

Hi all I'm new here but can't wait to start getting seriously involved in some great sexy discussions.

I've posted my first story and have had some really kind comments but really need something more constructive. I mean it can't be perfect surely!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=465821

It's part of a series that could eventually lead to a novel if you're all able to help me out? The next chapter is coming soon...

Thanks

Mike

Edited to add: Having seen their treatment of Beth's diner story I want KillerMuffin to take a look! :-D

 

[Darkniciad]

I only had time for a really quick peek, and even less time to hurry up and type this *laugh*

The very first thing that hit me was that your paragraphs are too long. Reading on a screen is hard on the eyes, compared to a written page. You get lost in long paragraphs and have to refocus, which pulls you out of the story.

I tend to keep mine limited to five or six lines max, but that's just me.

 

[mike4261]

Darkniciad, thanks for having a look. That did occur to me, I'll have a look at rectifying it. Anything on the actual content from anyone?

 

[Darkniciad]

Let me finish a scene I'm working on right now, and I'll try to get back for some content thoughts.

I was going to look it over and do that a little later last night, but then I realized that your story is along similar lines to the scene I'm working on -- college girls and a stripper. Bad idea to read something close to what I'm working on at this exact moment.

 

[Guest]

I liked the way it was written, it read very well. It did need the paragraphs cut down some though.

Gave it a 4

 

[_Lynn_]

I can add a few comments, although I don't have a lot of time.

First, I agree with Dark on the length of the paragraphs. Too much black on the screen pulls readers away. Six lines, eight max, is a good place to be in my experience.

. . . let alone the antics she had described to me What did she describe? If they're important enough to mention this way, what are they? Without details it is left hanging to me.

Still in the first paragraph, I have these questions: Why would going to a club twice be odd? And what does age have to do with it? And why was she 'desperate' to go again?

Caroline and I had met through my best friend Tanya, who lived in her street . . . Did you mean on the same street? One cannot live in a street, can they?

Punctuation errors such as:

"I'm Gemma, this is Tanya, and this is Caroline." I said, struggling to regain my composure.

"I haven't seen you here before" he said, turning to me.

Should be:

"I'm Gemma, this is Tanya, and this is Caroline," I said, struggling to regain my composure.

"I haven't seen you here before," he said, turning to me.

If you change the wording in your sentences you can eliminate some of the numerous 'ly' words for a stronger and smoother read.

When you mention something, such as the examples I gave in the beginning, make sure they're relevant to the story. Try not to leave details or information hanging.

I did not make my way through the entire story. Lack of time was the main factor. But the piece did not hold my attention either. Where was the zing? They went to a club with strippers and yet I didn't get an impression of anyone laughing or screaming or having fun. Put us there by describing what's happening.

Just my opinion.

 

[mike4261]

Sgt Wiklund, thanks for your comments, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Mistress Lynn, there are some good points there, especially about the grammar and punctuation. Although "on" or "in" a street may be a regional variation.

What I was trying to go for in the first paragraph was a sense of expectation. What had she described? Well read on... Obviously I didn't manage it! I think your criticism will prompt a rewrite of some of the later chapters. There's a fine line between putting in enough mundane detail to make the situation seem real, and making a lot of it irrelevent.

What I'm most concerned about though, is that it didn't keep your attention long enough for you to finish it. I thought I had put enough about the atmosphere of the place, perhaps there was more in my head than I actually transferred onto the page. In any case, if it doesn't grip you it's not a good piece of writing :-(

However, I suppose writing is subjective, erotic fiction even more so, hence Sgt Wiklund taking the opposite view.

Anyway thanks for taking the time, all feedback is useful. Hopefully someone will make it to the end and give me their thoughts!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Mike, congrats on a first posting. I wouldn’t say ‘perfect’ but a good start.

Dark is right. Book paragraph rules work on Kindle, which is not backlit or a rolling screen, but not on the web. Most newspapers stick to about four lines and I think six is about the limit for lit.

As Lynn says, there are quite a few copy edit errors that need eliminating. The most boring part of writing, but absolutely essential. I will pick her up on ‘in my street’ as I have come across it before as an ‘Englishism’, a bit like ‘knickers’ and ‘panties’. You’re clearly a Brit and should ignore our ‘Americanisms’.

Small point, but give more attention to the story title. There are loads of ‘The Club’ stories in E&V and a small change, even ‘Gino at the Club’, would give you more individuality. On lit, the title often affects how many click on your story

I do think you have a serious structure problem with the first section. In my opinion you’d do better to start with a conversation between Gemma and Caroline to get the scene set without a load of backstory and dialogue could handle Lynn’s justified point about surprise at a second visit.

You’re talking about an eighteenth birthday party but you don’t make it clear. In fact, Gemma’s shock at her friend’s ‘darker side’ would be more dramatic in dialogue, in my opinion.

I thought the early paras about Tanya and kissing were a diversion that spoiled the flow. Again, a glancing mention as Gemma persuades Tanya to join the party would surely do and you can explore the nascent bisexuality in the after show ‘party’.

Always start a new paragraph when a second person begins talking.

I think you haven’t done enough editing but have the basis of a good story. I’m not convinced it would stretch to a commercial novel though.

 

[Darkniciad]

Not an easy task to pull off without repetition *laugh* My scene's moving, but keeping that atmosphere up without using the same imagery over and over again ain't easy.

They went to a club with strippers and yet I didn't get an impression of anyone laughing or screaming or having fun. Put us there by describing what's happening.

 

[_Lynn_]

Not an easy task to pull off without repetition *laugh* My scene's moving, but keeping that atmosphere up without using the same imagery over and over again ain't easy.

True, but parts of the story didn't fit the atmosphere at all to me. This place has about a hundred people I think I read. The guys finished stripping. They are talking to the main characters. To me the crowd noise would still be distracting. Women would still be shouting and yelling. The general sounds from that many people in a room talking would make it loud in there.

I didn't get that from reading it is all.

 

[Darkniciad]

True, but parts of the story didn't fit the atmosphere at all to me. This place has about a hundred people I think I read. The guys finished stripping. They are talking to the main characters. To me the crowd noise would still be distracting. Women would still be shouting and yelling. The general sounds from that many people in a room talking would make it loud in there.

I didn't get that from reading it is all.

I keep having to go back and stress that as well. Not much quieter having eight women and a stripper in the front room of an apartment *laugh* I remember it with respect to unimportant shouts from the crowd, but then forget when one of the relevant characters is saying something for some reason.

Good thing the neighbors are very forgiving

But, time to put that aside for a few minutes and make my final pass through the Earth Day second draft. It's been sitting for a couple of days, so I should be disconnected enough from it to catch a few boo-boos.

 

[_Lynn_]

I keep having to go back and stress that as well. Not much quieter having eight women and a stripper in the front room of an apartment *laugh* I remember it with respect to unimportant shouts from the crowd, but then forget when one of the relevant characters is saying something for some reason.

Good thing the neighbors are very forgiving

But, time to put that aside for a few minutes and make my final pass through the Earth Day second draft. It's been sitting for a couple of days, so I should be disconnected enough from it to catch a few boo-boos.

Yeah, time for me to get back to writing too.

 

[mike4261]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. You've given me a lot to think about, so look out for more soon.

 

[NevilleLeck]

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and help me a lot too