The Hero Complex

[Keroin]

Recently, I was talking to a friend who’s been going through some tough times trying to save someone they know from a fairly large personal disaster. For reasons unknown to him, he seems to attract these sorts of people and their dilemmas. He’s not the only one. I know people, many of them intelligent people, (as the aforementioned friend is), who are always caught in the middle of some drama not of their making, some friend or family member or co-worker or ex-lover or what-have-you who is having a personal shit storm and needs rescuing.

I’ve been pondering this lately. Are there people who just send out a “hero” vibe? Are there people who just draw drama and disaster to them? I know I am certainly not one of them. I am ruthless when it comes to culling drama from my life. Probably too ruthless but as Clint says, “A man’s got to know his limitations.”

In my experience, most of these people who come looking for rescue are little more than emotional vampires – whether they mean to be or not – the “hero” rarely solves the problem or saves the day. The older I get, the less tolerant I am of other people’s catastrophes.

Are you a hero? Are you the one that always gets approached for help? Are you currently in the middle of trying to rescue someone? How often are you successful? Why do you think people are drawn to you to help them with their problems?

 

[YourCaptor]

Probably insecure attachment, always wanting attention meets good samaritan.

Or if they always get caught in that stuff they probably have some void they need filling too.

 

[graceanne]

I wouldn't qualify totally under what you're talking about. I love to help people and be helpful, but I try to avoid the people who are ALWAYS in crisis, because generally if you get them out they will do something to get themselves back in a crisis. They crave the adrenaline rush. I also avoid helping people who create drama, for the same reason. I avoid drama if at all possible, it annoys me. Plus I like to help, not enable.

Why do I help? I like to feel like I make a small difference. I can't change the world, but I can make a difference in small ways. Plus, the Bible says to love your neighbor as your self; it's the second greatest commandment in the bible. I don't like my neighbor most of the time, but I try very hard to love them.

ETA: Not to dis your friend, but I've found that quite often people who stuck in drama that is not of their own making A LOT, also are craving the adrenaline of that drama and are subconsciously seeking out situations like that.

 

[BiBunny]

I always get stuck in other people's drama, but that's because I'm a crazy magnet and have no ability to tell people no, even the nutty ones.

The Masterly One readily admits that he has a Messiah complex, which is much the same as a hero complex.

 

[zarngash]

One word: Codependency

And that is for both sides of the relationship equation.

It doesn't make either person bad or evil, but it does mean that they exhibit unhealthy patterns in close personal relationships...

Codependency does not always develop from a history of exposure to a person with drug abuse issues. Some studies estimate 80% of families are dysfunctional. So I guess that is the definition of normal ;-P

One book I've read suggested the concept of the need for 'emotional sobriety' for some people. I would venture that is the emotional vampirism, Keroin, that you are referring too. Again, it is a function of both parties working together.

Additionally, research shows family of origin issues can/do affect the family up to seven generations. Consider if your family was affected by WWII (or any recent war for that matter). For most of us that would be 3-4 generations of family history that you can access easily from your parents and grandparents. If you can find behavioral links back that far it wouldn't be a stretch to push further.

Finally, in no way am I implying that people in any level of BDSM relationships are codependent, so don't go there. Do your own research on what codependency is and if you or people you know exhibit patterns that become dysfunctional in a relationship. Here is a good starter - clicky

 

[00Syd]

I keep reading this thread as "The Hetero Complex."

 

[intothewoods]

There's a difference between a person going through a major crisis in their life, and a person always going through a major crisis, and the crisis is always a result of their own behavior.

If you primarily attract people who are always all about the drama, as the kids say, then you need to take a look at why that is.

I've gone through two difficult episodes in the past two or three years, and I have certainly leaned on people, but I know that I am ultimately responsible for my own healing. Plus one benefit to therapy is you can really pour your guts out without feeling any guilt about monopolizing someone's time for that hour or whatever.

If I become friendly with someone who is always inviting or making chaos in their life, I do tend to distance myself. I'm really a freak about stability in my life, so if it's anything remotely dangerous or harmful, I'm outta there. I won't risk my family for anything.

 

[WriterDom]

You can only help people who want to be helped. And even then all you can do it point them in the right direction.

 

[Keroin]

Hey guys! I so want to reply to all the good stuff here but I'm off to the wilderness for the day/night. Thanks for the thoughtful responses - more later.

K

 

[IrisAlthea]

I wouldn't qualify totally under what you're talking about. I love to help people and be helpful, but I try to avoid the people who are ALWAYS in crisis, because generally if you get them out they will do something to get themselves back in a crisis. They crave the adrenaline rush. I also avoid helping people who create drama, for the same reason. I avoid drama if at all possible, it annoys me. Plus I like to help, not enable.

Why do I help? I like to feel like I make a small difference. I can't change the world, but I can make a difference in small ways. Plus, the Bible says to love your neighbor as your self; it's the second greatest commandment in the bible. I don't like my neighbor most of the time, but I try very hard to love them.

ETA: Not to dis your friend, but I've found that quite often people who stuck in drama that is not of their own making A LOT, also are craving the adrenaline of that drama and are subconsciously seeking out situations like that.

I think the bolded part is a very important distinction to make.

 

[~Haze~]

I've seen this thread lingering but never opening it because I wasn't - well... it wasn't what I expected.

Like your friend, Keroin, I tend to end up with in a position where I can help or offer some advice or offer some perspective and when I can, I do. But the word hero does not seem appropriate at all.

A lot of different things have happened to me/with me - some experience, some understanding, some education, some opportunities to be able to help some people through certain troubles (problems).

All those things come together for a reason - or at least, that is what I believe - from the knowledge and experience that I mentioned, to the people, friends, friends of friends, whoever - and I can't help. I think that it's the least I can do. It's my obligation to... pay-it-forward so to speak. And I do it because I can.


I'm not sure what your reasons are for not wanting to get involved, but I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to, Keroin. Not everyone is in a position to deal with it.

I tend to think of something like - if you're going down a river and you see someone drowning, if you can, you stop and save them. For me, it's as simple as that. Some people know that if they stopped and tried to help, would probably end up drowning, themselves... and now there are two people to save.

That doesn't do anyone any good. While it might look like (and even seem like) you don't want to be bothered, that doesn't make it so. Some people just know they can't be dragged in without drowning.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I’ve been pondering this lately. Are there people who just send out a “hero” vibe? Are there people who just draw drama and disaster to them? I know I am certainly not one of them. I am ruthless when it comes to culling drama from my life. Probably too ruthless but as Clint says, “A man’s got to know his limitations.”

It's not so much that some people draw drama to them, but, as you point out, some people are incapable of withdrawing from disaster and drama.

And I won't speculate on their motives...

 

[chy_girl]

I use to be that way, back when I was young and stupid.

At some point I realized that what I was doing was pure insanity. Insanity as in doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. No matter the effort, the types of help, the insight, it was never what they wanted and it always drove me nuts. Then I began to realize that if they truly wanted to fix the problem they'd take some sort of initiative to change. They didn't want change, they wanted to sit around and whine and I had run out of the time and patience for that.

And then I realized that I had enough going on with my own shit.