Thi is supposed to be fun, right?

[sb2009]

I think I need to stop reading random groups at Fetlife LOL I'm beginning to get the picture that "real" lifestylers have the most grim, joyless, isolated lives.

I'm only half kidding...I keep zeroing in on posts by pyls who just can't/won't admit that there is anythign FUN about BDSM. I read one post where a person said that she is only allowed to have friends that will agree to return her to her Owner if she asks for help or shows up at thier house in the middle of the night, crying, etc....and I'm thinking "OK, if you *want* him to do what he is doing to you, why would you ask for help?"

I know I'm new to the idea of a scene and that there is no one true way, but I'm trying to wrap my head around wanting to be that unhappy...that's some total mindfuck right there.

 

[intothewoods]

There are some troubled people on Fetlife.

 

[CutieMouse]

I lurk at FetLife way more than I post, but I do have to say from the things I've read there don't seem to be a whole lot of stable, healthy, happy, common-sense sorts over there...

 

[intothewoods]

A lot of my real life friends are on there, and they are stable, but they basically post event-related stuff.

 

[sb2009]

I think sometimes I have kind of tunnel vision, where I only see one particular kind of post, so it seems like everyone saying the same thing, but it's me reading the same thing, kwim?

Anywhoo...I think I am just reading a few super hard-core true pyls who want to make sure everyone knows just how bad ass they are, etc...and of course I'm always thinking "why would anyone stretch the truth? that's so silly" ROFL

Aside from that, Fetlife is generally fun, like this place.

 

[chy_girl]

I thought it was supposed to be fun despite the harder parts of the learning curve. Then again, I'm in the camp that thinks the situation you described teeters precariously on the edge of abuse.

There is a group on fetlife that gets a lot of those posts and it's also one that I rarely visit or post on. Granted, not every post is going to be happy every time and this process can get emotional and confusing, but there should be a line somewhere under all the floggers and rope where it crosses from 'wow, that must be hard for you' to 'now would be the time to stop and actually hear what you're saying.'

*shrugs*
You could always start a happy pyl group.

 

[chy_girl]

*snip*
Anywhoo...I think I am just reading a few super hard-core true pyls who want to make sure everyone knows just how bad ass they are, etc...and of course I'm always thinking "why would anyone stretch the truth? that's so silly" ROFL

You mean being bad ass doesn't require the super stingy rubber floggers?

Damn. My bad.

 

[callinectes2]

I think I am glad I have never checked out Fetlife. It sounds depressing.

 

[unregistered]

 

[graceanne]

Some people are only happy if they're miserable. If they were given an option to be happy, they'd either fuck it up or refuse it.

 

[rida]

And that is why I only hung around mostly fun groups over on FetLife.

I do not think that this desire for "misery & drama" is a prerogative of lifestylers. As Graceanne eloquently put it, some people are only happy when they are miserable.

Now whether WIITWD is supposed to be fun or not, depends, as always, on the people involved. And emotional masochism has its place in some dynamics as well.

That said, I do read at times posts from people that make me wonder whether they are truly in such horrible situations or in denial of the abuse going on, or they are just making themselves look "better" for kicks and cyber hugs.

 

[DVS]

I think I need to stop reading random groups at Fetlife LOL I'm beginning to get the picture that "real" lifestylers have the most grim, joyless, isolated lives.

I'm only half kidding...I keep zeroing in on posts by pyls who just can't/won't admit that there is anythign FUN about BDSM. I read one post where a person said that she is only allowed to have friends that will agree to return her to her Owner if she asks for help or shows up at thier house in the middle of the night, crying, etc....and I'm thinking "OK, if you *want* him to do what he is doing to you, why would you ask for help?"

I know I'm new to the idea of a scene and that there is no one true way, but I'm trying to wrap my head around wanting to be that unhappy...that's some total mindfuck right there.

Fetlife is rather large and when you have so many diverse people converging in one place, you are bound to have nearly that many different views. And I've been bashed a couple of times there for not being as serious as they thought I should be about various things.

I wonder why Lit doesn't have any people from my local area, because Fetlife has a couple hundred from here. I don't know what the big deal is, because I don't like several things there...mostly the format of the site. It makes my eyes hurt, after a while.

I do have friends over there. People I have actually seen and talked to in person. Some of them, I've actually touched! Here, I've never seen or talked to anyone in person. For me, that's the only draw of the place. I can see what's happening in the scene of my local city. Sure I consider you all as friends, but you don't know me any more than I feel it's safe to allow on an Internet site.

But, I do agree with you that there are some strange ones over there. I've not experienced the pyl you mentioned, but I'd think her relationship needs some adjustment, if she's running out into the night, crying.

 

[monique_minx]

I think I need to stop reading random groups at Fetlife LOL I'm beginning to get the picture that "real" lifestylers have the most grim, joyless, isolated lives.

I'm only half kidding...I keep zeroing in on posts by pyls who just can't/won't admit that there is anythign FUN about BDSM. I read one post where a person said that she is only allowed to have friends that will agree to return her to her Owner if she asks for help or shows up at thier house in the middle of the night, crying, etc....and I'm thinking "OK, if you *want* him to do what he is doing to you, why would you ask for help?"

I know I'm new to the idea of a scene and that there is no one true way, but I'm trying to wrap my head around wanting to be that unhappy...that's some total mindfuck right there.

I just gotta say, that's the most fucked up thing I have ever heard and it really just sounds like an abuse case and nothing more, either that or someone desperately seeking attention as I've noticed so many on that site do.

I'm a submissive because I enjoy it and like to please; it's not rocket science I've been in that space before where I was trying to refuse anything that might make me happy because I have a great fear of disappointment though and I think these days; more and more people do.

I got over it; emotional break down and all! But it just doesn't make sense for someone to be into something willingly that just upsets them
It'd be like me going back to vanilla sex and boyfriends that don't do anything for me really...

@ DVS - gotta agree with the format of Fetlife...makes my eyes hurt too; why does it all have to be in black and red?!

Disclaimer: If I make no sense...I'm a young Aussie and I'm not supposed to!

 

[sb2009]

the thing that I notice about the type of person though that posts that, is they are vehemenetly ranting about about how domestic violence laws and the police are inhibiting thier freedom to live thier lives as they see fit.

I mean, yes, I would be pissed if my husband was flogging me and the cops rushed in. However, one women was talking about an ER visit, and while she didn't mention the injury, she said it was and emergency, it could not wait until she saw her "kink friendly dr" and that the nosey-dogooder nurse rerported it becuase she told the truth and said her master did it, but she consented.

We do live in a real world. And while yes, people are adults, not everyone had the mental health to be able to walk away from unwanted abuse - so the answer is not ignoring a woman at an ER who openly admits her owner/husband did the damage.

And part of me thinks they should pay higher insurance premiums, like skydivers, etc, if there are going to chances of that extent of injury ;-)

 

[ecstaticsub]

the thing that I notice about the type of person though that posts that, is they are vehemenetly ranting about about how domestic violence laws and the police are inhibiting thier freedom to live thier lives as they see fit.

I mean, yes, I would be pissed if my husband was flogging me and the cops rushed in. However, one women was talking about an ER visit, and while she didn't mention the injury, she said it was and emergency, it could not wait until she saw her "kink friendly dr" and that the nosey-dogooder nurse rerported it becuase she told the truth and said her master did it, but she consented.

We do live in a real world. And while yes, people are adults, not everyone had the mental health to be able to walk away from unwanted abuse - so the answer is not ignoring a woman at an ER who openly admits her owner/husband did the damage.

And part of me thinks they should pay higher insurance premiums, like skydivers, etc, if there are going to chances of that extent of injury ;-)

It is also against the law for health care professional not to report suspected abuse.

I like Fetlife. The trick is to find the right groups. I found a couple that are low key, lets just have fun with our kink kind of people.

I get really annoyed in some groups with pyls always playing the suffering martyr about how hard it is to be a slave, and all the sacrifices they go though without them ever saying what positives they get from the relationship. My thoughts are--if they are so unhappy then get the fuck out and go vanilla. Even submissives and slaves have to be responsible for themselves and their own direction in life. sheesh..

 

[sb2009]

I actually do like Fetlife too...I like the local aspect of it. I posted my journal about the Dungeon 101 and people that were there posted replies, I thought that was really cool!

Husband posts there, I made him a profile and now that he's found there are tons of people who are into rope and making thier own toys, he's more into it. He said he'll stay off here so I can have a place of my own LOL

He's just afraid of literate people, really.

 

[Netzach]

the nosey-dogooder nurse rerported it becuase she told the truth and said her master did it, but she consented.

Then she's a garden variety idiot. Ignoring all the rest, if you don't keep up on the rest of the world enough to know that this is a bad idea I hope to god they're not breeding.

 

[ownedsubgal]

well for me personally, no, this way of life is not about "fun," it's about having the freedom to be my true self and be accepted and appreciated for it. it's about being able to be in a relationship which provides the structure, discipline and guidance i need in order to function in a productive or healthy manner. oftentimes i feel very isolated when interacting with online "lifestyle" communities, as it does seem as if for many the focus is fun, kink, hot sex, etc.

this does not mean that i believe life as a slave should be a miserable, joyless existence. there is a place and a time for everything in life, and i do believe in balance. of course there are many who simply would not see or comprehend the balance in a 24/7 slave's life.

 

[BiBunny]

Even submissives and slaves have to be responsible for themselves and their own direction in life. sheesh..

I'm not sure that I agree 100%. Unowned subs and slaves, yes. Once they're owned, maybe not so much. I think that's why many dominants consider ownership a big deal because of the responsibility involved.

 

[katt_g]

I do have friends over there. People I have actually seen and talked to in person. Some of them, I've actually touched! Here, I've never seen or talked to anyone in person. For me, that's the only draw of the place. I can see what's happening in the scene of my local city.

i found this sort of interesting...

i have been known to lurk and post in both places. it didn't really occur to me until i read this post that i also actually know almost all of my 'friends' on fetlife, but have never met anyone from here.

and i agree, i go there for the interactions with those folks but also to keep tabs on local activities. and i think i must not get exposed to too much of the weird stuff because if it seems like drama...i just quit reading and head off to a more fun group

 

[intothewoods]

It is also against the law for health care professional not to report suspected abuse.

I like Fetlife. The trick is to find the right groups. I found a couple that are low key, lets just have fun with our kink kind of people.

I get really annoyed in some groups with pyls always playing the suffering martyr about how hard it is to be a slave, and all the sacrifices they go though without them ever saying what positives they get from the relationship. My thoughts are--if they are so unhappy then get the fuck out and go vanilla. Even submissives and slaves have to be responsible for themselves and their own direction in life. sheesh..

I'm not sure that I agree 100%. Unowned subs and slaves, yes. Once they're owned, maybe not so much. I think that's why many dominants consider ownership a big deal because of the responsibility involved.

At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own decisions. That decision may be to place all control over your life in someone else's hands, but the decision is your own. Not that I think you would disagree, BB. I just have a pet peeve about pyls who don't own their decisions in life.

 

[the captians wench]

Overall, there are far more people who think that they have the skills and knowledge to be a PYL than actually do. 'Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" has a couple pages of cute little cartoons on scene stereotypes that try to make fun of the people we all know from the local munch. However, it's a sad truth that some stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason.

I freely admit that I've always looked at lifestylers, especially the sort that I've seen at FetLif and CollarMe, with a little consternation. I don't know that they are in healthy relationships. Especially when you consider that the PYL expects a non-participant to submit to his/her will. What else can you call the expectation that an adult, possessed of free will, return a pyl that has come seeking help?

I was involved with some one at one point who believed he had a right to everything I have, and he had a way of getting into my head that I agreed to every one of his demands. Thanks the heavens that I had Jounar and another couple of friends who were able to reach me before he could do too much damage. As it was, it took months before I stopped having nightmares and a year before I could walk into my apt with out checking to make sure no one was there.

One of his conditions was that the people around me would obey him. My mom said "let him try to enforce that around me". I think she would have won.

well for me personally, no, this way of life is not about "fun," it's about having the freedom to be my true self and be accepted and appreciated for it. it's about being able to be in a relationship which provides the structure, discipline and guidance i need in order to function in a productive or healthy manner. oftentimes i feel very isolated when interacting with online "lifestyle" communities, as it does seem as if for many the focus is fun, kink, hot sex, etc.

this does not mean that i believe life as a slave should be a miserable, joyless existence. there is a place and a time for everything in life, and i do believe in balance. of course there are many who simply would not see or comprehend the balance in a 24/7 slave's life.

I have a special kind of admiration for you osg. At one point I thought I wanted a simular life. I've realized that your lifestyle isn't right for me, but there's still a part of me that wishes it was. Who knows, maybe some day I'll grow closer to that, or maybe I'll grow further away. Still it's always nice to read your view on things.

I'm not sure that I agree 100%. Unowned subs and slaves, yes. Once they're owned, maybe not so much. I think that's why many dominants consider ownership a big deal because of the responsibility involved.

And this brings up an issue of what "ownership" means. One I don't have time to go more indepth on tonight, but a seperate issue none the less.

 

[insert____here]

it's not about fun per se. but it should be a relationship both parties are getting something out of. if you're in a 24/ 7 environment, it's never always going to be fun. even vanilla relationships aren't always fun. real life isn't always fun. but if both parties are stable, functioning individuals, then it's all good. but i don't think anyone should be in a relationship that is joyless or fun free all the time. that's worse than prison. at least they get rec time.

can i add that i think the reason people make more posts about bad stuff is because for most people, whinging is socially easier to connect with than saying "wow, today was really really great and here's why". people tend to look at you funny when you're one of those people. i should know. i have been asked if i'm on medication before just because i prefer to be cheerful than whinging or having a gripe.

 

[BiBunny]

At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own decisions. That decision may be to place all control over your life in someone else's hands, but the decision is your own. Not that I think you would disagree, BB. I just have a pet peeve about pyls who don't own their decisions in life.

Yep. And that's why you should think long and hard before you decide to turn control over, but I suppose that's preaching to the choir for most of the folks in this thread.