a submissive woman, and a shy guy not into BDSM - can it work?

[shyguy37]

Ok, here's my situation. I am a 37 year old male. I have a healthy sex drive and consider myself very open minded, but the whole BDSM thing doesn't really tickle my fancy, but if it did i would be submissive. I am an extremely shy person, and everybody who knows me would laugh at the idea of me being dominant. I have been dating a woman for about a year and a half, although for the first year it was a long distance relationship, and we only spent about every third weekend together. Now we live in the same city but not together. She is really into BDSM as a submissive. I have tried to engage in this to some extent for her sake, but I know not nearly to the extent that she would like. I don't really have a problem with some of the physical stuff - I've bought some restraints and whips and things and use them from time to time, though more playfully than she would like. Where i draw the line is I can't bring myself to be verbally degrading towards her, which she would like for me to do. We've been more or less able to compromise and make things work so far, though because of this our sex life has been less than satisfying for both of us. Now she is starting to really put the pressure on to move in together, and I'm just not sure if this can really work long-term. Any opinions would be appreciated.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Now she is starting to really put the pressure on to move in together, and I'm just not sure if this can really work long-term. Any opinions would be appreciated.

You know her better than we do.

Is she going to be happy knowing that you're not truly dominant, but you're playing the role for her sake?

Are you going to be happy continuing to play that role?

Are either of you going to want more of something you can't have? Is that going to become an irreconcilable difference that will bring you undone, or will you work through and keep with a happy compromise?

 

[BiBunny]

We've been more or less able to compromise and make things work so far, though because of this our sex life has been less than satisfying for both of us.

I think you just answered your own question right there, whether you realize it or not

 

[subwannabe]

I'm not really sure what you mean when you say she is really into bdsm as a submissive. What were her relationships like before you? Apparently she has been happy enough in your sexual relationship that she has been putting pressure on you to move in together.

I'm also not sure what you mean by being verbally degrading to her. I am also a male submissive and sometimes suggest to my wife that I would like her to be a lot more verbal, command wise, to me. I don't lilke degrading things myself though. I want her to order me more and be more forceful but I don't want her to tell me what a small penis I have or call me degrading names like sissy slut or tell me how worthless I am. That just doesn't do anything for me. I'm willing to bet that if you tried you could probably be more verbal with her without actually doing it in a "degrading" fashion. This may help make her experience more enjoyable while making you feel better about not actually degrading her.

It sounds to me like you are mostly asking this about yourself. She's apparently happy enough to want to move in together so I think your question has already been answered from her side. You may actually want to take a step back, ignore sex altogether, and ask yourself the very same question, "can this work out long term?". If you can answer yes to that then I think it WILL work out. If not, then I think you have more questions than when you first started out.

 

[greystardust]

Is it just in the sex that your girlfriend wants you to dominate her?

Ask her. If she wants bdsm as a life style that's a lot more demanding, and do you want that day to day in your own living space. If it's just for the sex act, it may be more easily achieved.

Re the degrading talk. Try it with the lights out and progress from there

 

[where]

you could tell her that you refuse to humiliate and be verbally abusive and if she complains, spank her and tell her that if you are the boss then she should shut up and get you a beer or something.



and yes I know, it's a bit flippant, but if she is a sub then she should do what YOU want, right?


... and again... I'm kidding. kind of.

I'll get my coat.

 

[Casualencounter]

you could tell her that you refuse to humiliate and be verbally abusive and if she complains, spank her and tell her that if you are the boss then she should shut up and get you a beer or something.



and yes I know, it's a bit flippant, but if she is a sub then she should do what YOU want, right?


... and again... I'm kidding. kind of.

I'll get my coat.

What Kybele said^

 

[FurryFury]

Sure it can work if you are both resolved to stay together even though you both find the sexual aspect of your lives less than you'd like.

The question is why would you do that? It's not like you are married right? You both still have time to find better fitting matches.