New Story Up - Looking for Feedback

[Lithium_hobo]

"Super Sexuality, Issue 01"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=463756

Recently went up, and already got a surge of views, and actually a lot of votes, the total score of which is much lower than I'm used to getting. Worried I may be losing my touch. So, once again whoring myself out for feedback on my new arc in hopes of someone being able to pinpoint where I went wrong.

 

[PacoFear]

S'not bad

LH-

I read through your story and thought it was entertaining. Is it possible you're seeing some sort of V-Day effect? Lots of folks are spending more time with their SO's.

As far as your story, I didn't see anything wrong with it much as what I thought were some odd choices.

Supergirl: Your treatment of her seems to have sidestepped what I had always believed to be her most tantalizing features: her youth and innocence. All superheroines have phenomenal bodies and most of them are brimming with the sexual self-confidence that was so intoxicating in the sixties and seventies when a lot of them were cooked up by their authors. Kara stood out as the rare ingenue amongst a bevy of femme fatales. (I'm far from a comic expert but I'm now wondering if Supergirl didn't pave the way for the likes of Jubilee and Shadowcat).

Back to your story, your Supergirl isn't especially young (20) and she isn't especially innocent. She's just kinda horny and trying to figure out what to do about it. To ramp up your heat (and hopefully your ratings) you might consider dropping her age to the bottom of Lit's rules (18) and then spend a little time developing her innocence. You could describe how Supergirl is dealing with "new urges" and has begun to see the men around her in a new way.

Wonder Woman's flashback: if there was a purpose to this element of your story, I missed it. It doesn't seem to add to the plot. Frankly, I skimmed through that portion because I was more interested in seeing what was going to happen with Supergirl. You might consider nixing the flashback entirely. If you like the scene enough, you could flesh it out a bit more and post it as a story of its own.

Just my $0.02. I bet your votes'll pick up after we finish collectively swallowing the Hallmark holiday being jammed down our throats. My prosecco's cooling in the fridge, I've stashed away a fat bar of Scharffen Berger milk chocolate where even my wife can't sniff it out until I hand it to her, and I picked up a new bottle of jasmine massage oil. I'm all set for V-Day.

Cheers,

-PF

 

[Lithium_hobo]

Thanks for the response! Originally I did have Kara set at 19 years old, then moved to 21, then settled at 20. There is a reason for this, though I can't really say without revealing the events of chapter (issue) 2. I certainly see your point, though. Much of the appeal of Supergirl is her youth.

As for Wonder Woman's flashback, I added it purely on a whim; in the midst of writing the events leading up to it. There was a lot of set up in the story, I thought, and I worried there wouldn't be enough payout (sex). So the easy fix was to give Wonder Woman a flashback involving a sexual encounter. Again, I see your point, though. It tells the main story to take a back seat to what is going on. Certainly for the next chapter I had more sexual scenes planned to balance with the story, but your post will help keep that in mind.

Thanks again!

 

[Lithium_hobo]

Oh, and as to your note about the votes. I'm not quite sure that's it. See it's not so much the low total score, but the sudden surge of the number of votes. My last two chapters of my arc have only 5 votes between them, and they've been out for a few weeks. Much older issues rest in the 20's. This one has 13 after only a day and a half. For most that may not seem like much, or it may seem normal, but for me this is a bit surprising. Guess I'm just curious as to what brought this on. Probably just timing.

 

[PacoFear]

Oh, and as to your note about the votes. I'm not quite sure that's it. See it's not so much the low total score, but the sudden surge of the number of votes. My last two chapters of my arc have only 5 votes between them, and they've been out for a few weeks. Much older issues rest in the 20's. This one has 13 after only a day and a half. For most that may not seem like much, or it may seem normal, but for me this is a bit surprising. Guess I'm just curious as to what brought this on. Probably just timing.

If I understand what you're saying correctly, I don't think that what you're seeing is all that unusual. Fewer and fewer people wade into a story midstream. You lose the casual readers. Assuming you maintain the same quality writing, the conventional wisdom here is that, as a multi-chapter series progresses, the volume of views and votes goes down while scores drift up.

You've started a new series now so you're picking up the casual readers again. Plus, Supergirl is probably a more tantalizing story subject than Spiderman for the decidedly male audience your material would skew towards.

-PF

 

[Lithium_hobo]

Hm...makes sense. Thanks again!

 

[MaxSebastian]

I think it's an interesting idea, but I agree with PF that the Wonder Woman flashback was unnecessary.

Your story had enough pace to carry it through without that interlude, while the readers' preconceptions of the Supergirl character (or, at least her outfit etc) would also have been enough to punch through to her own sexual encounter.

Overall, I felt you were just treading a little too close to bawdy comedy for me, which took the shine off any eroticism. I know lots of people like that kind of thing, though.

I'm sure you've got lots up your sleeve, but I do wonder if you can't do something interesting with the concept of Supergirl becoming suddenly sexually aware, other than having her merely flying around looking for the next fuck.

Maybe she's drawn to the dark side, finding super villains better in the sack? Or, she finds that screwing villains has a better impact on reforming them, but this threatens her squeeky clean image and relationship with other super heroes.

Maybe she needs a super vibrator to keep herself from going nutso.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

LH,

I think paco and max are just about right. Certainly the Wonderwoman scene just kills the dynamic of Supergirl – a bit like the Viagra ads during the Superbowl. Anyway, the addition of other DC characters, WW, Mr T, spoils for me the Metropolis setting. I have never heard of the Watchtower.

Wonderwoman, as an Amazon, is human so your contrived contraception is best avoided. Lit is fantasy. No-one gets pregnant unless the story requires it.

My biggest grouse is you don’t develop a plot but have just a couple of random sex encounters with minimal character development. I agree with paco that changing Supergirl from a 16-year old (I know Lit’s rules) to a 20-year old kinda doesn’t sit well but I don’t understand why you don’t use your ace.

Like Superman, Supergirl lived disguised as a human with adopted human parents. DC played the sexual tease card between Clark and Louis Lane to perfection – with all the nuances. A theme of superfeminine sexuality combined with a human male relationship might give you more avenues to explore. Don’t leave her permanently in her blue skirt – it loses something.

You need some dramatic and emotional tension to transform this promising story into a pageturner.

paco What a cheapskate for going for Prosecco over Dom Perignon and I hope the jasmine oil was warmed before use.

 

[PacoFear]

Don’t leave her permanently in her blue skirt – it loses something.

I'll earn myself a swift caning for this backhanded compliment but here goes: that is the most insightful observation with respect to comicbook hero sex I've ever heard from a woman. LH, if you don't follow it you're completely nutters.

paco What a cheapskate for going for Prosecco over Dom Perignon and I hope the jasmine oil was warmed before use.

My wife prefers the smaller bubbles. And the bottle of jasmine oil gets warmed in the hot tub with us before bedtime. Thought of that last one all by myself.

 

[Lithium_hobo]

Awesome responses guys! Thanks a lot - any and all feedback is wanted and needed.

Your story had enough pace to carry it through without that interlude, while the readers' preconceptions of the Supergirl character (or, at least her outfit etc) would also have been enough to punch through to her own sexual encounter.

Something worth keeping in mind, for sure. I've always worried that if one of my stories doesn't have enough sex then the reader will become frustrated and just downrate or something. But if I can feel confident that people enjoy the journey as much as the destination, it wont be a problem.

Overall, I felt you were just treading a little too close to bawdy comedy for me, which took the shine off any eroticism. I know lots of people like that kind of thing, though.

I do that on purpose, at times. Anything and everything I enjoy always has a bit of comic relief in it. If what is bawdy and comical is NOT what I intended it to be, then I need to do some thinking.

Maybe she's drawn to the dark side, finding super villains better in the sack? Or, she finds that screwing villains has a better impact on reforming them, but this threatens her squeeky clean image and relationship with other super heroes.

Maybe she needs a super vibrator to keep herself from going nutso.

I can't say too much without giving away the events of the next couple of chapters, but it's heading in that direction - sorta. You'll see.

Anyway, the addition of other DC characters, WW, Mr T, spoils for me the Metropolis setting. I have never heard of the Watchtower.

The story doesn't really take place solely in Metropolis, but rather in the DC Universe. The best way I could see to incorporate the other heroes and villains that would be interacting with Kara was through the Watchtower.

Don’t leave her permanently in her blue skirt – it loses something.

Don't worry about that - she wont be staying in one outfit for long.

Issue 02 is already in the works and all the feedback I think has helped shape it into a better story.

If there's still a concern that there's not enough plot, not enough character development, don't fret. I don't really write a story for one chapter, I write one across several chapters so they all work best together rather than alone.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Girly's poor techy skills - sorry.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I'll earn myself a swift caning for this backhanded compliment but here goes: that is the most insightful observation with respect to comicbook hero sex I've ever heard from a woman. LH, if you don't follow it you're completely nutters.

Only if you want it! Your wife's a lucky lady - you're not only chivalrous but sensitive. Thanks. Have you got an unwed twin?

My wife prefers the smaller bubbles. And the bottle of jasmine oil gets warmed in the hot tub with us before bedtime. Thought of that last one all by myself.

If she chucks you out. . . then again, no chance with a romantic like you. She is a lucky lady.

 

[PacoFear]

Only if you want it! Your wife's a lucky lady - you're not only chivalrous but sensitive. Thanks. Have you got an unwed twin?

No twin, sorry. I've toyed with the idea of teaching a class for hubbies who need to up their game a little though.

If she chucks you out. . . then again, no chance with a romantic like you. She is a lucky lady.

Yes, well, sooner or later everyone gets taken for granted. Right now some woman is getting tired of George Clooney's shit.

The best thing to do for that is surprise your spouse every now and again, or at least make the attempt.

-PF

 

[Lithium_hobo]

Just as a bump and advertisement, issue 02 of Super Sexuality is now available.

 

[Lithium_hobo]

After some thought, I've decided to expand the Supergirl arc by a couple of chapters. I feel like the story wouldn't be properly fleshed out in the span of three issues so I want to add more. The only problem is I don't know exactly what to add.

So I come to you all asking for some ideas. What situation would you like to see Supergirl get into, with whom, and to what effect? If I use your idea, I'll be sure to credit you. And keep this process in mind because my next series will be much longer and have some original characters and I would love to get some suggestions from readers on new villains/heroes and situations.

 

[Beth87]

I think a common theme of superhero stories is the hereos falling for someone very close to them. If you are fleshing the story out you might want to consider introducing a love/lust interest that has no powers.

You could have her be the, now, experienced girl or keep her relatively innocent and have a dominant partner who will push her boundaries. I really like the latter idea because since she is a 'super' she will be the strong one all the time. It would be nice to have her under somebody else's control and you can go into her state of mind through that process.

I think it really depends how long you want to make the story