Newbie searching for criticism...

[LittleRedHen]

Hola...
I'm brand new, this is my first post (although I've lurked for years) and I've submitted two stories to Lit so far. Writing my third at the moment, which is a follow-up to Christmas Party, but I'd love some feedback from the experienced folk on here to help me along and give me things to work on in my third story.

I've read a lot of critiques on other peoples' work so I know I'm setting myself up to get ripped apart here, but go for it: be honest, that's all I care about. If you hate it, that's fine, but tell me why! Thank you!

Here's my submissions:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1148259&page=submissions

Anticipation was my first one, and Christmas Party my second.

 

[Darkniciad]

A few of your paragraphs are long for online reading, but I can't really find much else to complain about.

The flow seems good, and you manage something I can never pull off -- a short story. There's plenty of heat. I like the narrative style. Some of Ceri's dialogue in the Christmas one seems a little below her station, as you've described her, but not too bad.

I fortunately didn't look at the category, so the twist of catching Ceri instead of her fiance was well done in my eyes. You did a good job of leading the reader down one path, and seamlessly going another direction. Ditto the twist at the end of the other one.

I liked 'em both, so somebody else will have to slice and dice you *laugh*

 

[LittleRedHen]

Thanks for taking the time to read them, ditto to the people who have emailed me or PMed, it's really appreciated! x

 

[Sanichi]

Hola, LittleRedHen. This is my first Discussion Board critique, although I too have lurked for years. I hope I can give a little of the feedback you requested even if I am not experienced. I enjoyed both your stories so far, and would like to see more, so this should be encouragement, and certainly not "ripping apart". Even, so, there were a few things I'd like to see differently.

The first story is called Anticipation, yet in the opening paragraph she is already on the floor with her pussy out:


"I re-read the text message and shivered with delicious apprehension. Knees digging into the cold oak floor of the hallway, I obediently kept my position, waiting on his arrival. Fabulous, filthy thoughts floated around my head as the draught from the corridor outside wafted under the flat door to meet my naked pussy, shaved immaculately smooth on his instruction, and already moistening at the idea of what was to come."


It's fine as erotica, the situation is perfectly clear, but the writing could be edited to be better. (IMO)

For example, I don't know how knees could dig into an oak floor, perhaps the other way around? Or seek a metaphor for her uncomfortable, vulnerable position. Something that lets us know how long she has waited there.

To shiver with "delicious apprehension" sounds like too cosy a thing, you could set up the story with just mention of the cold, hard, environment to establish vulnerability. Similarly the filthy thoughts show she is loving it; at this early stage there would surely be doubts and mixed emotions. ('Anticipation'.) The moistening of her pussy tells the real story.

Save the wafting draught for the moment he opens the door, highlighting her exposure. A good start to your story, nevertheless.

It's packed with sexy stuff, although one big failing - a failing for me, not necessarily others - is that you go from incident to incident without preparation or pay-off, sometimes unexpectedly:


"My cunt tightened around his teasing finger, trying to draw it deeper inside me, my arse bucking up to meet his ready tongue to encourage him to rim me some more. I wasn't prepared for the sharp slap across my backside."


A finger, a tongue, rimming, spanking... it all goes flying by!


"I nodded and without further instruction, sucked my rabbit vibe into my mouth before pushing it hard into my waiting cunt."


There is no anticipation there, just wham-bam: from the table, to the mouth, to the cunt... Again, it's fine in its way as erotic description, but it only deserves that mundane response: "Fuck, that looks so hot." I'd hope for a more calculating test, since she is being directed under his will. Teased with the vibe, taken to the edge, commanded to hold back.

The incidents themselves are fine, just that they get laid on the page often wastefully. For example, right there in the opening lines, her pussy is shaved "on his instruction". That is a potentially highly erotic episode mentioned in passing. You could more dramatically open the story with her receiving that text, and staring in disbelief. Slowly, she turns her mind to it, and considers the implications. Dare she submit? This will be only the first humiliation, the anticipation of the title begins, as thoughts of what it all might be leading to come flooding her mind as she complies (those "fabulous, filthy thoughts"). It's your story, not mine; I'm just making suggestions on what you already have written.

I would trim descriptive passages to their essentials. For example, in your second story you write:


"One guy had already caught my eye, a tall, dark haired fellow in a well-fitting charcoal suit. He was standing with another, older guy, and they were deep in conversation."


To me that sounds flat, simply laying out what is happening. All it needs is: "A tall man in a charcoal suit caught my eye. He was deep in conversation with an older guy." The use of "guy" now sounds suitably dismissive, to show that this other character is unimportant, and she will shortly replace him under the tall dark man's attention. I'm using this as an example, because I'd suggest the entire script could use similar editing. (To make a good thing better.)

Another example:


"He took my hand, raised it to his mouth, and planted a lingering kiss on the back, making the little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. "Jasmine, I'm Greg," he said. "It's lovely to meet you."


That is no more than a standard "How do you do?" at a party, that reminds me of Bridgit Jones, with the infatuated girl probably thinking she's done all the legwork batting her eyes and simpering seductively. There is nothing involving. It's nice to know the hairs on her neck are standing up, but it also makes her seem a bit silly. I'd cut it to: "He took my hand, but instead of simply shaking it, kissed the back. 'Greg,' he said." Without the chat or description, it becomes more intriguing to me. It's implied that he has caught her fascination; he doesn't care what her name is or how lovely it is to meet her. The man is smooth, unpredictable, enigmatic. Fancies himself like mad, of course, but now I find the characters interesting, and want to see where we're going.

You mention that men always think they are in control when they are not, so I'd see that as your theme. In this case, it would be good if she asked what Greg does and he diffidently replies, "Oh, I work in the office," and it's only later that it's revealed he is literally her boss, catching her unexpectedly. A battle of wits with a worthy adversary - she earlier informs us she knows how to "get what she wants", but does she?

I won't go on, just to repeat that I enjoyed reading both stories, short and sweet. There is no point my editing them line by line (they are short enough that I wouldn't mind doing that if it is useful to you - PM me if you think it might). I wouldn't criticise the story telling, there is a nice twist to the first one, and I agree with Darkniciad that the switch from Greg to Ceri in the second was well done. The events in each were definitely erotic, and that's more than good enough for me. Thank you for posting.

 

[LittleRedHen]

Thanks so much Sanichi, that's very helpful! x

 

[ericahope]

Hola...

Hen,
I read Christmas Party and thought it was very well done! I was amazed how I was able to connect and identify with your character from the start with very little description from you about her background. That takes skill.

Also, while the story was short, I didn't feel like it was rushed either. So many shorter stories read like someone's fleeting fantasy or like they wrote it in one sitting. It felt like a complete story to me.

I also like the slight twist that your character didn't end up sleeping with her boss, but with his fiance. Stories in which I know from the get go who will be sleeping with whom are boring to me, and much less erotic.

You incorporated a little humor into your character, which endeared me her as well as to you. All in all, I think you did a great job on this one and I look forward to reading the sequel!

Best,
Erica