Story Discussion: 01/11/2010. "Voyeur" by Existencialisticism.

[Existencialisticism]

Greetings people.

First off, here is the link to the story in question: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=454884

This story consists of approx 20K words and represents 'one chapter' in what 'may' become a novel of sorts. It was not submitted to an editor prior to posting so there are 'some' obvious 'issues'.

I started the story as an 'exercise', in part to explore the dynamics between what characters in a story do vs what I myself may or may not do, or fantasise about. This factor was a challenge in some regards, which I sought to work through in relation to another story I'm working on in another genre unrelated to erotica.

I found myself pushing things and allowing the characters to develop almost as if they were a law unto themselves in a seperate world which evolved unto itself; so it all seemed only partially under my own control so to speak - even if I was indeed God as far as this tale is concerned.

In other regards I had to put aside any feelings of self conciousness which became apparent during some stages, and which I am sure is a unique characteristic of writing this particular genre, ie the story might somehow reflect the authors own interests or fantasies. This may be true, but the opposite can equally be the case; it was this facet of writing the story which added a sense of intrigue for myself in terms of my distancing myself from what characters may do; that which 'might' even be totally at odds with my own desires or fantasies.

Aspects of the story, and some of the characters were based upon real places, real incidents and actual people. Other elements were completly the product of my own imagination.

Since I am interested in 'writing' other genre's primarilly, this 'exercise' has been helpful thus far, but I really don't have any idea how good or bad it may be aside from the 11 votes I have recieved here which have given the story a score of 4.82.

Nobody has as yet provided any feedback despite me having made a couple of threads seeking that, notwithstanding about 2800 views, so perhaps a few people here could manage reading it(if it somehow holds your interest) and provide some feedback, good or bad, as to the general quality, or lack thereof; or just peoples impressions of the story and how it, and future efforts could be improved upon. Good? Bad? Average? Total shite?

I'll add too, that from my own perspective, regardless of the genre, to a large extent the success of any story is its ability to make you want to turn the page and read more irrespective of the subject matter. Sure, we all want resolution, but if a story can hold your interest that's a good 'start'.

What makes erotica unique as a genre though is that it is supposedly written in order to arouse the reader. This component of erotica as a genre adds something specific which doesn't really exist with other types of story. It is one thing to entertain people with a story and something else entirely if your words can turn them on sexually. I suppose, for those who are successful at writing erotica, this factor must surely play into the charm of it all; that you can 'get people off' just through the written word is compelling - like you are touching their minds from afar in a very personal way.

I did also try and make the story a little hardcore, and I also get a sense that if it appeals to people, 'men'(I'm male) would be the ones mainly taken in with it all. Though I may be mistaken about that.

Included with this sentiment is the idea - for me at least - that of the essense, is that a story seems believable on some level. Unless it is credible, I'm personally not interested, and as a 'reader' I'm also not interested in what might be considered, 'porn'(though I might like to watch that on ocassion). If A fucks B whom then fucks and sucks C, and I don't know anything about these people, or places, what is it but sterile? Just a personal preference though I guess.

Please forgive some of the grammer errors. I reiterate this is my 'first story', and after I posted it on literotica there were a few formating problems which eventuated resulting in some corrupted paragraphs and dialogue. At some stage no doubt, I can go back and edit it all to make it more readable or have someone else do that for me.

Excuse my rambling and spelling mistakes etc. Will see what awaits from the punters...all the best...Existencialisticism.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Just to clarify, this *is* the current discussion. The date in the title (which can't be edited in my experience) should be 1/11/10.

 

[Penelope Street]

Just to clarify, this *is* the current discussion. The date in the title (which can't be edited in my experience) should be 1/11/10.

Fixed. We can change it via Thread Tools, then Edit Thread.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Fixed. We can change it via Thread Tools, then Edit Thread.

Thanks for the information!

 

[jacks4u]

Really like your story!

E.,

I really liked your story. It's a very powerful story and I enjoyed it thoroughly, despite numerous errors that a good editor can fix or suggest ways to fix.

I'm 1100 miles(1770 KM) from home, right now, and fighting an unfamiliar system and uncooperative browser. I had about 500 words of comment, just getting to the good parts, when IE decided of it's own volition, to load 'recovery.gov', and it lost my comments - which is unforgivable, in my book. My preferable OS/browser combo (Linux/Firefox) has NEVER let me down in such a way. So, I'll comment in a couple of smaller posts, apologies to anyone discomforted by this tactic.

I'm not really much of an author, but am an avid reader, and I know what I like and dislike, what pulls me out of a story, what propels me further into it - I'll comment from the readers point of view.

First, As I stated above, you have a very powerful, arousing story. I like the notion of characters discussing erotic fiction. I also like the tension and voyeurism of the male character getting stuck in the wrong closet, literally with his pants down and on the verge of being discovered. That tension is palpable, and works well in this story. Of course, any one in a similar situation would have similar fears. Here, it adds intensity to your story. I kept reading, mostly because I wanted to find out if he got 'busted' or skinnied out of a bad situation. I was actually disappointed that he didn't get busted - I could picture the roomie as a Dominatrix demanding obedience, wherever that might lead...

The spa scene was a little disappointing as well. But it did seem to mirror the possibilities of real life quite well.

For the most part, your sex scenes were quite well written, even the ones in the story of a story. By the way, I thought that was quite an imaginative twist, the story within a story. But for me, it was sometimes hard to tell where one story left off and the other began or continued. But it was intriguing enough that I felt compelled to resolve the issue and continue.

Throughout your story, though, I found the numerous editing issues distracting. One common error is evident from the beginning, the second paragraph, to be more precise. I was distracted by the numerous long or extremely long sentences, as you attempted to add more and more descriptives to a single thought. It was distracting at best, and sometimes downright confusing. A good editor can help you bust them up into more manageable sizes. As a general rule, each sentence contains but a single thought. And while I'm on a a negativity jag here, I also find it distraction that you often used the two word form of commonly contracted words, like 'over come' instead of 'overcome'. Some of that <might> be the differences between British or Australian English instead of American English, but I'm not familiar enough with either to know for sure. again, a good editor can help here.

And while we're on the subject of locality, are you British or Australian? I find it entertaining, your different terminologies. i.e. 'flat' instead of house or apartment, etc...

Jacks

 

[jacks4u]

I started the story as an 'exercise', in part to explore the dynamics between what characters in a story do vs what I myself may or may not do, or fantasise about. This factor was a challenge in some regards, which I sought to work through in relation to another story I'm working on in another genre unrelated to erotica.

I found myself pushing things and allowing the characters to develop almost as if they were a law unto themselves in a seperate world which evolved unto itself; so it all seemed only partially under my own control so to speak - even if I was indeed God as far as this tale is concerned.

Isn't it always that way? In the two stories I have up here, none of the characters act or react in ways that I would. Often they take off and do their own things. fuckers!.

In other regards I had to put aside any feelings of self conciousness which became apparent during some stages, and which I am sure is a unique characteristic of writing this particular genre, ie the story might somehow reflect the authors own interests or fantasies. This may be true, but the opposite can equally be the case; it was this facet of writing the story which added a sense of intrigue for myself in terms of my distancing myself from what characters may do; that which 'might' even be totally at odds with my own desires or fantasies.

Yea, often, I see the author in a story I'm reading. I see it in the particular turn the characters make, which might just barely border on credability. Your story is totally plausable, and I don't particularly see the author's ambitions, desires or fantacies in it - just a good tale that could be better with some more attention to details.

Since I am interested in 'writing' other genre's primarilly, this 'exercise' has been helpful thus far, but I really don't have any idea how good or bad it may be aside from the 11 votes I have recieved here which have given the story a score of 4.82.

Nobody has as yet provided any feedback despite me having made a couple of threads seeking that, notwithstanding about 2800 views, so perhaps a few people here could manage reading it(if it somehow holds your interest) and provide some feedback, good or bad, as to the general quality, or lack thereof; or just peoples impressions of the story and how it, and future efforts could be improved upon. Good? Bad? Average? Total shite?

At 4.82, someone liked it. though for whatever reason declined to comment. it's likely though, that reader comments would tell you little to nothing anyway. 'Good job', 'really liked it' and, 'came 3 times reading...' just don't give an author enough info to better him/her self

I'll add too, that from my own perspective, regardless of the genre, to a large extent the success of any story is its ability to make you want to turn the page and read more irrespective of the subject matter. Sure, we all want resolution, but if a story can hold your interest that's a good 'start'.

What makes erotica unique as a genre though is that it is supposedly written in order to arouse the reader. This component of erotica as a genre adds something specific which doesn't really exist with other types of story. It is one thing to entertain people with a story and something else entirely if your words can turn them on sexually. I suppose, for those who are successful at writing erotica, this factor must surely play into the charm of it all; that you can 'get people off' just through the written word is compelling - like you are touching their minds from afar in a very personal way.

Interresting notion there - I've never thought about my stories like that - that I would give sexual pleasure to readers...

I did also try and make the story a little hardcore, and I also get a sense that if it appeals to people, 'men'(I'm male) would be the ones mainly taken in with it all. Though I may be mistaken about that.

Hey, I'm a guy, and I resemble that remark!

Included with this sentiment is the idea - for me at least - that of the essense, is that a story seems believable on some level. Unless it is credible, I'm personally not interested, and as a 'reader' I'm also not interested in what might be considered, 'porn'(though I might like to watch that on ocassion). If A fucks B whom then fucks and sucks C, and I don't know anything about these people, or places, what is it but sterile? Just a personal preference though I guess.

The author must, MUST, believe the story (s)he's writing, and have enough conviction that it really happened that way, to convey that surety to the reader. Otherwise, the reader won't buy it. But it's the author that must write with credability, conviction, confidence.

Please forgive some of the grammer errors. I reiterate this is my 'first story', and after I posted it on literotica there were a few formating problems which eventuated resulting in some corrupted paragraphs and dialogue. At some stage no doubt, I can go back and edit it all to make it more readable or have someone else do that for me.

An editor does much much more that just put the dots over the i's, and move commas and quote marks around! Your story would really be much better with a good edit. One other thing, always read aloud your story as a final sanity check, before submitting it - you'd be supprised how many issues you've been dancing around, and never saw, until you really read it aloud, separate yourself from the author's job for just long enough to do that one thing.



Jacks

 

[Existencialisticism]

Hi Jacks - thanks for taking the time to comment and I am glad that you enjoyed the story. This is the first real feedback I've had thus far and it's appreciated. Muchos gracias.

Yes the main character(Mike) admits his 'voyeurism' rather than getting 'busted'. Though I have a sense that he was actually 'busted'(observed in the closet), but 'Leanne' pretended not to have seen him, hence his later confession to her.

In subsequent chapters(if there are any) it may well be that Leanne suggests he position himself within the closet to watch various sessions she has initiated. In any event Leanne would/will corrupt his innocence further and introduce him to all sorts of kink. Mike secumbs to her charms, and in the process falls in love with her. From there...time will tell.

I agree the 'spa scene' was a bit bland; it was but a bridge toward the session after that.

The 'story within a story' certainly could have been written better to help avoid any confusion over whom was saying what and when. Some of that though was simply down to the formatting issues which eventuated once the story was submitted. It may have been better though if this portion of the story had more continuity, ie Lisa telling her story from beginning to end without interuption from either Leanne or Mike's own thoughts.

Without question their are plenty of editing issues. In the future I'll take your suggestion on board and seek to limit the length of sentences keeping in mind that each sentence should generally only contain a single thought. This should help with my other novel too.

I'd like to get the story edited properly some time so that it is easier to read at least. I had sought an editor here but failed to aquire one. And even if I did get an editor here, how does one know if they are up to the job? Might total amateurs inadvertantly compromise a story rather than improve upon it despite their best intentions? Perhaps Literotica has some sort of list of editors whose skills are up to par so that writers do not find themselves recieving the wrong advice/editing which might hinder progress?

Regards the contracted words such as, 'overcome' vs 'over come' - yes indeed! I was useing an older version of Microsoft Word and to be frank it drives me nuts how there are different spellings between English speaking countries, not to mention how blah the Word Pro can be all by itself. My own spelling is not exactly perfect but I find myself second guessing when the same words are spelled differently between Britain and America for example.

Locality? I am somewhat British, more a Kiwi though, with nuances of Canadian and American.

Thanks again for your feedback.

 

[Existencialisticism]

Thought I'd reply here too lest I make too long a post.

Yea, often, I see the author in a story I'm reading. I see it in the particular turn the characters make, which might just barely border on credability. Your story is totally plausable, and I don't particularly see the author's ambitions, desires or fantacies in it - just a good tale that could be better with some more attention to details.Jacks

Glad to hear that my story was 'plausable'. It definatly needs some refining. For my first story though, it is good to know it wasn't an utter failure.

Interresting notion there - I've never thought about my stories like that - that I would give sexual pleasure to readers...Jacks

Well, as said, this component of erotica does certainly bring with it the 'possibility' of giving sexual pleasure to readers. As a teen I read some Anais Nin and was highly stimulated. Much of what I've read elsewhere, in a Penthouse for example, or some of the stories on Literotica, I tend to find unbelievable and as a result they do not stimulate me.

The author must, MUST, believe the story (s)he's writing, and have enough conviction that it really happened that way, to convey that surety to the reader. Otherwise, the reader won't buy it. But it's the author that must write with credability, conviction, confidence.Jacks

I couldn't agree more.

In the lesbian scene between Lisa and Beth, while they stayed at the cabin, there was a part of me which wondered if perhaps the 'anal' probeing was less believable, ie women/lesbians would be less inclined to do that? That said, there was a facet of Beth's personality which was 'butch', so I guess anything goes huh. And maybe this portion at least was written from a more masculine perspective? In some regards I just wanted to make it more harcore.

An editor does much much more that just put the dots over the i's, and move commas and quote marks around! Your story would really be much better with a good edit. One other thing, always read aloud your story as a final sanity check, before submitting it - you'd be supprised how many issues you've been dancing around, and never saw, until you really read it aloud, separate yourself from the author's job for just long enough to do that one thing.Jacks

I agree totally, and I will, when I find time, do exactly as you suggest and read the story aloud to myself. I did kind of rush the ending too because I was getting sick of pondering it all before posting. Maybe now I'll have more reason to get the story up to a better standard since I know it's not utter shite.

Thank you again.

 

[jacks4u]

...
Yes the main character(Mike) admits his 'voyeurism' rather than getting 'busted'. Though I have a sense that he was actually 'busted'(observed in the closet), but 'Leanne' pretended not to have seen him, hence his later confession to her.

In subsequent chapters(if there are any) it may well be that Leanne suggests he position himself within the closet to watch various sessions she has initiated. In any event Leanne would/will corrupt his innocence further and introduce him to all sorts of kink. Mike secumbs to her charms, and in the process falls in love with her. From there...time will tell.

Lol! I sort of thought that also, that the two women might have discovered him, and just been playing coy about it. Your plans seem quite workable, to me.

The 'story within a story' certainly could have been written better to help avoid any confusion over whom was saying what and when. Some of that though was simply down to the formatting issues which eventuated once the story was submitted. It may have been better though if this portion of the story had more continuity, ie Lisa telling her story from beginning to end without interuption from either Leanne or Mike's own thoughts.

I did like how Lisa would stop, and Leanne would comment, or prompt her for more. That adds some realism to the whole scene, increases reader interrest ("Where's that story going?"). It also adds suspense and tension; the reader knows that Mike's there listening and hiding, will he be discovered at the next break? I'd keep it like that, and just shine it up a bit, rather than Lisa going into a big, long dissertation of her full story.

I'd like to get the story edited properly some time so that it is easier to read at least. I had sought an editor here but failed to aquire one. And even if I did get an editor here, how does one know if they are up to the job? Might total amateurs inadvertantly compromise a story rather than improve upon it despite their best intentions? Perhaps Literotica has some sort of list of editors whose skills are up to par so that writers do not find themselves recieving the wrong advice/editing which might hinder progress?

You can ask around the board, get recommendations, if you will, for a good VE (Volenteer Editor). In essence, ask other authors who they recommend. I understand there are many excellent VEs that would be more than glad to give it a go.

Regards the contracted words such as, 'overcome' vs 'over come' - yes indeed! I was useing an older version of Microsoft Word and to be frank it drives me nuts how there are different spellings between English speaking countries, not to mention how blah the Word Pro can be all by itself. My own spelling is not exactly perfect but I find myself second guessing when the same words are spelled differently between Britain and America for example.

LOL! I'm having my own fight with Micro$oft - I'm 1100 miles from home using a computer that's totally foreign to me - I know and use to good effect Linux with OpenOffice and Firefox, yet for the next few days I'm on an XP machine with no signifficant software other than XP and EI, not even a decent spell checker. And I'm not at liberty to 'adjust it to my likeing' You should look into OpenOffice - I like their spell checker, even though sometimes it suggests inappropriate words. It's still better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick...

Locality? I am somewhat British, more a Kiwi though, with nuances of Canadian and American.

I enjoyed the local flavor of your story. In reality, English is not always English. Locality adds it's own special sauce to the story

Thanks again for your feedback.

No problem, I really did enjoy it, thanks for sharing and giving us all a chance to comment...

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Danka,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

I only made time so far to read the opening few scenes. My initial impression is that the level of detail is so fine that the pace becomes a bit sluggish. For instance, does it really matter why the protagonist unexpectedly has the day off? Would it have changed the tale in any way had he received that phone call at home instead of in the car? Does his car not working change the story later? Is it all fine foreshadowing or unnecessary fluff?

This is where reader trust comes into play. Do I believe the author will weave moments like these into the tale later or am I just being distracted from the real story?

Aside from finding it being a tad slow, I thought the story was well-written, especially for a first effort. I didn't have any trouble understanding or believing the portion that I read, though I was surprised by his nonchalance when his car stops.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Existencialisticism]

Bonjour Penelope,

Merci for taking the time to read the first opening scenes.

Yes, the beginning could perhaps have been much better, faster paced - a guy stuck in traffic going to work is hardly evocative, especially at the start of a story. I was probably impatient when I wrote that scene.

That said, depending on ones(reader) own tastes, the story does progress reasonably quickly after the car breaks down. Though in hindsight/site(sp?) I recognise that this entire scene could have been condensed. It was just supposed to give 'some' insight into the main character 'Mike'; who he was, how he spoke kind of thing. Otherwise, since 'he' is telling the story, and oweing to the way the story unfolds, there was seemingly no other way to describe who Mike was at the outset, or what he was about other than to have some initial dialogue and that first scene where his car breaks down on the way to work.

That the protaganist(Mike) is 'having the day off' does actually play into how the story progresses. Specifically, his car had to have broken down so that his room mate(Leanne) did not know he was home when she herself arrived there later. He couldn't have recieved the call at home because had he, his car would be parked in the drive, alerting his room mate to this fact.

In future chapters(the second), if there are any, 'Mike' is also given a lift to work by his room mate the next day because his car is incapacitated. I suppose it is a kind of foreshadowing. If you read further, hopefully it will all make sense.

As to the protaganists 'nonchalance' when his car breaks down; ordinarilly he would attempt to fix the car, but since it is an exceedingly hot day, and because he is close to home, he simply decides to make the short walk home.

Thanks for taking the time to read and offering up constructive criticism which I'll be sure to take on board. I hope you manage to read the rest and I look forward to further comments.

All the best, Existencialisticism.

 

[Penelope Street]

Sounds as if you have it all thought out! Maybe I'll trust you yet

I agree certain aspects of the opening, and beyond, could be condensed, or even culled. Sometimes I felt like I was being spoon fed. I got the not-so-subtle impression that trust wasn't working the other way either; as if the author was afraid I wouldn't get it if it wasn't all spelled out. Especially for erotica, which is clearly meant for a mature audience, less explanation usually makes for a crisper, livelier narrative.

 

[Penelope Street]

...from my own perspective, regardless of the genre, to a large extent the success of any story is its ability to make you want to turn the page and read more...

So true. Can you think of anything beyond curiosity that leads a reader to turn that page?

I picked up your story again and was pleasantly surprised that Mike didn't get his towel, then go out the pool and have his voyeuristic experience there. When he finds Leanne's toys in the closet, you piqued my curiosity. After that, there's a thousand or so words during which my interest plummeted. What's the point of all that? Why can't Leanne show up right away, forcing Mike to hide in the closet?

Once Leanne and Lisa appear, the story picked up again for me. Initially, I enjoyed their conversation- it was snappy and interesting, but soon that too began to drag.

You lost me near the top of page two when Lisa and Leanne began speaking in huge paragraphs. Dialog is a great way to convey information to a reader- but the conversation has to seem natural. When was the last time you had a conversation and anyone spoke more than a dozen words at a time, let alone a few hundred?

So I'm back where I started- I think your basic English skills are good, it seems like you have a workable story with likable characters, but it still didn't hold my interest, mainly because there seems to be way too much extraneous information.

On the other hand, Jacks found your story to be "just a good tale that could be better with some more attention to details." Does this mean he wanted even more details? If so, that's just the opposite of what I wanted, which just goes to show again how you can never please everyone with any story.

Thanks again for sharing your work with us. I'm really disappointed with the turnout for your discussion, but that does seem to happen quite a bit with longer stories.

P.S.
While hardly a rule, it's usually best to not include character names that begin with the same letter- it tends to confused some readers.

 

[Existencialisticism]

Jambo Penelope - I'd not been back to this thread for a while and have just seen your comment so please excuse my absense. Absynth makes the heart grow fonder!(I thought I throw that quip in there just as a spur of the moment thing).

Yes I can think of many things might lead a reader to turn the page. Thanks for the reminder; and apart from that, I should have made the beginning of the story compelling as opposed to bland. I reiterate that this was my first story...I have learned much since then and the comments I have recieved have helped in lieu of that.

Thanks also for reading and commenting on more than just the beginning, because I was slightly blahed that I'd thought this was a 'story discussion' and not just an 'opening discussion'.

That said, if the story is boring and otherwise blah, I myself would not wish to read further either.

I can appreciate too that there are 'many words' of decription(perhaps too many), ie Mikes experience in the closet. However, this was 'one chapter' in a 'novel' and not a short story. The aim was paint a picture and not merely seek to thrill as quickly as possible, such as one might expect in a short story which perhaps seeks to gratify one way or another, ie porn. For in my mind, this 'story' was about real people. All too often, with the stories I have read on Lit', I've found characterisation and descriptions lacking.

Leanne could not have discovered Mike in the closet so fast because that would not allow for Leannes sexual paraphenalia to be elucidated upon. Otherwise, what was she but a clone without character? By having Mike rumage through her belongings, the reader learned more about what Leanne was apparently about.

Yes I agree, the conversation between Lisa and Leanne did drag on and was not perhaps as natural as I'd have liked. But...that conversation was orientated around Lisa reciting a story she had written for Leanne, so it was perfectly reasonable that Lisa would speak at length without interruption.

There have too, been ocassions when I've had conversations with people where the speaker can speak at length - such as when he or she is telling a story. In fact, I tend to prefer such conversations since they have more depth as opposed to mere back and forth chit-chat.

I've also read many a novel where this(lengthy dialogue) is also apparent, and it does not necessarily detract from a story but may indeed make it more credible. It is of course a personal preference and while I myself do not mind lengthy dialogue, I'm appreciative of you for taking the time to point out your own aversion to such, at least in the context of my own effort.

Indeed, there may very well have been too much extraneous information. I suppose in respect of such a suggestion, this is where authors(especially amateurs such as myself) should tread carefully lest they inadvertantly blindly accept criticism(though it may be sincere and just) and make modifications to their writing which compromises their work. Because each one of us has our own personal tastes and desires, the words of one or two does not necessarily make for an accurate assesment of quality. As you say Peneope, 'it is hard to please everyone'.

Having said that, I'd have been more content had I recieved feedback from more than just a couple of people. I suppose when there are so many stories submitted here, that is a hard ask especially with the longer stories such as mine.

I'd also posted a thread http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=688066 requesting an editor and I was unsuccessful in this persuit. In fact, while I recieved a couple of helpful comments from people in that thread, it quickly descended into a hi-jacking and the purpose of the thread was rendered void. If I could be so bold, I might suggest that some of the more serious forums are moderated more robustly so that the peripheral discussions take place in the rellavent forums.

Obviously my story does need major editing. I may have to do that myself. I will also endeavour, as per your suggestion Penelope, to make sure I do not name seperate characters with names beginning with the same letter.

Thankyou guys again for taking the time to comment and critique my story. I do appreciate this much.

P.S - I have read some of your own stories Penelope and I see that they are very highly rated. Well done! As a point of reference, and confirming your own suggestion in terms of differences in tastes...I did find them to be well written, but I found they lacked the details I'd have personally prefered. So while you are less enamoured with details, I prefer them. The thrill of the chase is as much arrousing as the realisation of such desire. Like climbing a mountain as opposed to just reaching the top.

One story you wrote in particular Penelope was about two women attending some kind of wedding reception and staying in the same motel. A biker women and...chocolate sauce. While this story was paced well, and kept me reading, I found the scenes to be a little hasty in terms of the sex itself. I was wanting for more.

It would appear you lean toward a lesbian flavour, so perhaps that's part of the reason why Leanne's and Lisa's conversation piqued your interest. Who knows, in the next chapter(if there is one) I shall have Leanne corrupt Lisa's innocence...for Mike's benefit too of course.

Excuse my rambling....thanks again....Existencialisticism.











P.S.
While hardly a rule, it's usually best to not include character names that begin with the same letter- it tends to confused some readers.[/QUOTE]