I wondered if...

[JessBraithwaite]

If anyone would critique my story and offer costructive criticism? A romance story with no explicit sex scenes in it at all.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=458324

 

[CWatson]

Well, I feel like it's very short, but that's not inherently a problem. You've got a run-on sentence in the second paragraph; "remembered" should have a colon or semi-colon or something after it that's not a comma. But that's about all I could find from a copy-editing standpoint.

So, good work. Keep writing.

 

[AutumnDestiny]

I really liked it, its a good background story that introduces the characters well and really let you get a sense of their personalities developing.

Also, there is plenty of room for expansion, both before and after. I would love to read about what she taught him fifteen years ago, as a mature woman with a younger guy. I would also love to hear about what they do now down at the cove, a very gentle romantic reunion would be nice, something in keeping with the tone of the story.

A very well written piece, in my opinion.

 

[JessBraithwaite]

Thank you both.

It was written to a limited word count, hence the brevity; more of a writing exercise than any real underlying story intent.

But now ...

Well, I may just expand and submit some more pieces.

Again, thank you.

 

[sr71plt]

Nicely done.

The only part that threw me was the transition from "let's go for coffee" to seeing her reflection in a train window. Not at all clear to me why they are in a train to drink coffee when they obviously didn't go anywhere. (There's a chance the train is rumbling by, but it would be chancey to be able to see someone's reflection that way.) Whatever the case, it stopped the flow for me--and I still haven't figured out what you meant. And this isn't good to have a reader doing. The image is a good one, but it doesn't fit there for me.

I don't think it's too short at all. The brief snips of action, moving from the present to the past and back, and keeping it just that, snippets, adds to the mood, I think. As does giving the minimum required to get the idea across to the reader. Doing more would start bogging it down and losing the ethereal quality the helps make it shimmer.

Some minor editing needed, but nothing that impedes the read.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

It's a road train. Typically Australian kind of vehicle.

 

[sr71plt]

It's a road train. Typically Australian kind of vehicle.

And they are "going for coffee" in it? I don't get that.

I didn't have trouble with the other Aussie references/spellings (my writing partner here is an Aussie), but this one threw me. Still something for a writer to keep in mind, I think--unless they are keeping to their home market.