Asking someone if you can be their submissive.

[SoCalKessa]

Hello Everyone,

I talk a lot, so if you want to skip to the actual question you should just breeze through these next couple paragraphs..

For a little background information, I've already found out that I'm a submissive. Interestingly, outside of the bedroom I am a very dominate personality, extremely outgoing and very intelligent, but from some things I've read about Doms and Subs it seems to be pretty common for strong women to become Subs behind closed doors.

I imagine that there are different levels of submission so I would categorize mine as being very subtle, at least in this stage of my life. I'm a very cerebral person so I enjoy being mentally controlled the most. An example of the subtlety would be like, for the guy I'm about to talk about, when we flirt I might say something like, "You're in trouble" and he'll respond, "I'm not in trouble. Don't say silly things." and the directness of his response makes my stomach do flips. That's the level of subtlety that I'm referring to. Don't know what that means or what it will turn into, but for now it's working, haha. Easily entertained? Perhaps.

So to my actual question..

The guy I am referring to above, I have been talking to him over the internet for about two years now. We have a great connection and we've never even talked about sex until the other night (we just always had other fun things to talk about!). It was extremely arousing and all very subtle with things like "What kind of panties are you wearing?" type of questions. He knows that I'm an extreme Type-A personality but I found myself dropping into character, you could say, during the talk. A lot of the, "well, what kind of panties do you want me to wear?" responses. I think it caught him off guard, but he seemed to play into it. I have an inkling he might be interested in the dominate role-playing but I also don't think he has any experience with it so he's not sure.

I've never had an opportunity to really play into my Sub role the way I might like in my past relationships, so I'm interested in taking my conversations with this guy further. I don't want to just say, "Hey can I be your submissive?" one day because that wouldn't really go over well. I guess I'm just hoping to brainstorm ways that I can take this further.

I feel like if I instigate the conversations and push the topic more and more into sex that kind of makes me the dominate one and that isn't the role I want.

Long story short, how would a person like me express interest to somebody (that may or may not have experience as a Dom) that I would like to try playing as their Sub?

Geez.. I should write novels.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you everyone!

 

[MrMentor7]

What exactly would happen if you asked this guy to be your dom? Would you be his exclusive submissive? What you do online roleplays? Would you two meet in person for d/s play?

I guess what I am getting at is why do you have to actually ask him permission to be his submissive? Can you not just continue the online flirtation, dirty talk, and roleplaying?

Maybe you can try asking this guy about his thoughts on d/s and go from there?

 

[ecstaticsub]

Have you had any discussions about BDSM or power exchange relationships? Talk about what submission and dominance means to you. Find out if it something where he has interest.

Talking about it, maybe discussing books--fiction and non-fiction about the topic may naturally bring up the opportunity to try playing as his submissive.

(I'm assuming you are thinking of doing this as role-play?)

 

[SoCalKessa]

MrMentor, that's a very good point you bring up. I guess I didn't put a lot of thought into what kind of answer I was looking for, only what I wanted to ask. What I do know is that I want to move forward in the conversations and role-playing with the understanding that I want to play the submissive role. I know some of it (hopefully most of it) happens naturally, but I'm looking to push the limits a little more and let him know what I want. It would not be in person.

Ecstatic, I like your idea about bringing up some indirect topics and see his feelings on power play from that. That's more of the answer I was looking for to my question. I know I need to feel out what he thinks about it, and being that he and I only recently even started talking about sex, I wanted to do it carefully, so I like your suggestion!

Thank you both for you help! And quick replies too!

 

[MrMentor7]

Good luck and have fun.

 

[~Haze~]

First thing is first. You need to graduate high school first.

I know you're curious. We all were, but I think it would be best if you take it slow. You need to be involved in a normal, healthy, stable relationship before you start to explore BDSM.

This guy might be the one who you explore with, but considering you're both young, there's no rush to jump into anything. Take your time. Start off... normally. Go on a date, spend some time with him, hang around with him. Embark on sex slowly. You don't want to scare this poor kid off by throwing him in the deep end of the pool. Especially when neither one of you can swim.

Remember... use condoms.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

In an *online* situation, if/when it comes to a point where he says something that can be construed as a command, e.g., "Don't say things like that," you could simply answer, "Yes, Master," and go on as if that had simply been a natural response to his "command."

*His* reaction to that response will likely tell you a lot about his mindset... and whether or not you start getting hot when you answer in that fashion, even though you have planned it, will tell you a lot about *your* mindset.

 

[SoCalKessa]

I went back and reread my post, I didn't catch my "dominate" and "dominant" errors, I'm so embarrassed, haha! Usually I would be the person to correct OTHER people doing that. Karma I guess!

Haze, I'm two years out of college actually but I can see how some of the things in my post would lead to think that I'm a young high school virgin, such as my saying it was the first time I had talked about sex and my errors with the word "dominate". What I meant was that it was the first time I had talked about sex with that specific person. I have been in a handful of healthy relationships, a few lasting a couple of years each. I understand your concern and I would give the same advice to someone if I thought they were jumping in the deep end, so thank you. In past relationships I've experimented being a submissive by being given commands, light punishments, and begging. In a long-term relationship I found it to be easy, comfortable and natural.

I think maybe I didn't phrase my question correctly. I never post on message boards in general so I'm probably assuming you can all read my mind.

In my online relationship with this fellow I mentioned, he and I are only just now getting sexual so my concern has been not knowing how to broach this topic in a casual way as to not scare him off. I don't feel like I'm at a point yet with him where I can discuss it outright. Sir Winston, I think you understood my question better because your answer was more of what I was looking for, a delicate way to introduce it and get a vibe back. I think I will try using that tactic and see if I get a positive response.

 

[YourCaptor]

When I'm having a conversation and want it to go towards sex, I just go their. Just throw something out that's not too bad but not too lite. Like anal sex. Then see if they go squeamish or are cool with it.

I've also found the many people will first automatically do a hell no reaction. But if you are casual about it you can often draw out something more. Further more many don't know what BDSM is about, other then its black leather, crotchless pants, and weirdos.

Personally I also find circling works, try to get them to confess something sexual, get what you can, talk about something else, and go back, work it in again. Not insistent or bothersome, but more like an inside joke.

Just go from their.

As for online, I don't know how any of that works.

 

[JMohegan]

If someone responded to me with "Yes Master," I would either burst out laughing, or simply assume she was a fan of stylized BDSM and therefore a poor match for me.

I have no idea how you do any of this over the Internet. (Step one, I'd say, would be to pick a time and place to actually meet.) However, I throw out the above as a way of saying, if you go the testing-the-waters route, don't get discouraged if your first "test" doesn't go well.

 

[where]

.... Further more many don't know what BDSM is about, other then its black leather, crotchless pants, and weirdos.
.....

you mean it's not?

If someone responded to me with "Yes Master," I would either burst out laughing, or simply assume she was a fan of stylized BDSM and therefore a poor match for me.

I have no idea how you do any of this over the Internet. (Step one, I'd say, would be to pick a time and place to actually meet.) However, I throw out the above as a way of saying, if you go the testing-the-waters route, don't get discouraged if your first "test" doesn't go well.

I can never ever say "yes master" without smirking or outright giggling.

which is actually a really good way to test the waters... by being humorous (but not judgmentally) you can gauge reaction in a safe and non-threatening way.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

If someone responded to me with "Yes Master," I would either burst out laughing, or simply assume she was a fan of stylized BDSM and therefore a poor match for me. <snip>

<snip>
I can never ever say "yes master" without smirking or outright giggling.

which is actually a really good way to test the waters... by being humorous (but not judgmentally) you can gauge reaction in a safe and non-threatening way.

Yup - that's kinda why I used "Yes, Master," instead of what I am more accustomed to - "Yes, Sir," or "Yes, Daddy" - as a semi-joking way to "feel out" his response and attitude. I'm glad someone caught it and clarified it, since I didn't actually include the humorous aspect in my post.

 

[where]

Yup - that's kinda why I used "Yes, Master," instead of what I am more accustomed to - "Yes, Sir," or "Yes, Daddy" - as a semi-joking way to "feel out" his response and attitude. I'm glad someone caught it and clarified it, since I didn't actually include the humorous aspect in my post.

yeah... if you are sassy about it... it opens up paths of communication in a different direction. I've used 'yes, master' with my Dom simply because my sarcasm/giggling/smirking gets me a spanking.

Plus Yes, Master is one of my favourite brands of lingerie.

 

[Netzach]

In an *online* situation, if/when it comes to a point where he says something that can be construed as a command, e.g., "Don't say things like that," you could simply answer, "Yes, Master," and go on as if that had simply been a natural response to his "command."

*His* reaction to that response will likely tell you a lot about his mindset... and whether or not you start getting hot when you answer in that fashion, even though you have planned it, will tell you a lot about *your* mindset.

That could come off as incredibly sarcastic without inflection and expression to help you along, and if someone laughs off something I'm serious about because it was framed in a way they find laughable, I think that would be a sucky feeling. No scratch that, I KNOW from experience that it's a sucky feeling. I wouldn't want to set myself up for my sexual wants to become a joke.

I tend to let all my shit hang out. If it's getting sexual at all that's pretty much when I'd have a conversation that's like "look, I like to be directed in bed" or "I love when I lose those subtle mental jousts with a good opponent" if that's your thing, and see how that goes.

 

[JMohegan]

I imagine that there are different levels of submission so I would categorize mine as being very subtle, at least in this stage of my life. I'm a very cerebral person so I enjoy being mentally controlled the most. An example of the subtlety would be like, for the guy I'm about to talk about, when we flirt I might say something like, "You're in trouble" and he'll respond, "I'm not in trouble. Don't say silly things." and the directness of his response makes my stomach do flips. That's the level of subtlety that I'm referring to. Don't know what that means or what it will turn into, but for now it's working, haha. Easily entertained? Perhaps.

So to my actual question..

The guy I am referring to above, I have been talking to him over the internet for about two years now. We have a great connection and we've never even talked about sex until the other night (we just always had other fun things to talk about!). It was extremely arousing and all very subtle with things like "What kind of panties are you wearing?" type of questions. He knows that I'm an extreme Type-A personality but I found myself dropping into character, you could say, during the talk. A lot of the, "well, what kind of panties do you want me to wear?" responses. I think it caught him off guard, but he seemed to play into it. I have an inkling he might be interested in the dominate role-playing but I also don't think he has any experience with it so he's not sure.

I've never had an opportunity to really play into my Sub role the way I might like in my past relationships, so I'm interested in taking my conversations with this guy further. I don't want to just say, "Hey can I be your submissive?" one day because that wouldn't really go over well. I guess I'm just hoping to brainstorm ways that I can take this further.

I feel like if I instigate the conversations and push the topic more and more into sex that kind of makes me the dominate one and that isn't the role I want.

Long story short, how would a person like me express interest to somebody (that may or may not have experience as a Dom) that I would like to try playing as their Sub?

If he were standing right next to you, he'd be picking up a thousand non-verbal cues as to what's getting you hot & bothered. Since he's not, I'll cast my vote for outright telling him about the stomach flips and the panty conversation arousal.

That would not be instigating or dominating, that would be positive erotic feedback for something he's already doing. Which, if he is interested in erotic exchanges with you, will surely be well received - and very likely to prompt further exploration.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It is very easy to get lines crossed online, especially if you have not been open about your intentions or desires. From the couple of responses you have mentioned you have had from the other person, and the way it made you feel, you could be on the right track but also just as easily on a completely wrong track and making assumptions based on what you want and feel. Also, jumping into calling someone Master etc., is not something I would advise as a rule. Those roles can be taken quite seriously by some, and not open to someone assuming they are welcome to enter into them without first being asked or discussing it.

So how do you break the ice without maybe coming on to strong? Perhaps when you are both chatting in a sexual manner you could refer to a story you read here which pressed good buttons for you. If they ask you to tell them more, and better still ask to see which one you are talking about, you have an opener for discussing D/s and how you are finding you feel about exploring it further, what you might be intereste ion etc. What happens from there is up to both of you, and allows the other person to say if they too are interested or not without feeling pressured.

Catalina

 

[SoCalKessa]

Personally I also find circling works, try to get them to confess something sexual, get what you can, talk about something else, and go back, work it in again. Not insistent or bothersome, but more like an inside joke.

I like this idea! That sounds casual and fun.. plus getting him to reveal something first would put ME at east, haha!

 

[subish2009]

Hmmm....I'm trying to think back to the way my relationship with my online-only D played out and how it might be applicable to you...

We met here on Lit, so my screenname was kind of a major hint for him, and, likewise, I was able to infer pretty quickly that if he was approaching me, given my screenname, we were most likely at least somewhat on the same page sexually, you know?

So, I never did have to come right out and be blunt about it, like many posters are recommending. In real life, I think I might have been more comfortable with that (with body language to read and such), but online I feel like that would have been so awkward...too academic almost. That's probably completely dependent upon your personality, though, and what feels natural for you.

We just flirted (and still flirt) the way we would in real life, I think, at least verbally. Some guys set off all kinds of Dom-dar bells and whistles...if you're at all subbie you can read it. Others really, really don't, and are much more subtle. It sounds like this guy has tripped your Dom-dar a little bit...I agree with the posters who have suggested using humor. Could you sneak a "What are you going to do? Spank me?" in there sometime when appropriate? Does he have a good sense of humor? Do you guys flirt/play that way online at all? I think you have to find an "in" that fits with your personal dynamic.

 

[SoCalKessa]

Hmmm....I'm trying to think back to the way my relationship with my online-only D played out and how it might be applicable to you...

We met here on Lit, so my screenname was kind of a major hint for him, and, likewise, I was able to infer pretty quickly that if he was approaching me, given my screenname, we were most likely at least somewhat on the same page sexually, you know?

So, I never did have to come right out and be blunt about it, like many posters are recommending. In real life, I think I might have been more comfortable with that (with body language to read and such), but online I feel like that would have been so awkward...too academic almost. That's probably completely dependent upon your personality, though, and what feels natural for you.

We just flirted (and still flirt) the way we would in real life, I think, at least verbally. Some guys set off all kinds of Dom-dar bells and whistles...if you're at all subbie you can read it. Others really, really don't, and are much more subtle. It sounds like this guy has tripped your Dom-dar a little bit...I agree with the posters who have suggested using humor. Could you sneak a "What are you going to do? Spank me?" in there sometime when appropriate? Does he have a good sense of humor? Do you guys flirt/play that way online at all? I think you have to find an "in" that fits with your personal dynamic.

GREAT advice!! I really like the "What are you going to do? Spank me?" response. That's exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for, because we are funny and joking in our conversations. I think I've just been nervous and looking forward to it, so my brain hasn't been able to pull up clever responses.

As a great update, I think your posts have instilled a confidence in me because I asked him to meet up with me for dinner last night. It was a GREAT outing, we completely clicked, and I was utterly nervous and bashful the entire time, haha. He also showed some mannerisms in person that showed me he is confident and might have potential. Minor things, more of a vibe that I got. I still think I need to take it slow though, because he seems to be very shy in bringing up things of a sexual nature.

So THANK YOU. I think some of your posts were a little kick in my butt to stop playing around on the internet all the time and actually go outside! Haha!

 

[00Syd]

I know you're curious. We all were, but I think it would be best if you take it slow. You need to be involved in a normal, healthy, stable relationship before you start to explore BDSM.

Because BDSM relationships can't be healthy and stable? I disagree so much with the idea that one should be, or needs to be, in a "normal" relationship before being in the type of relationship that they want to be in, which feels right and normal for them.

I cannot properly express how much I disagree with this idea.

ETA: re-reading what you said, maybe you meant that a relationship needs to be healthy and stable before introducing BDSM aspects into it? (Rather than meaning one should be in "normal" relationships before being in BDSM relationships) If so, I don't completely disagree. But I also think that it is totally possible for a new relationship to have BDSM aspects from the start, no problem. My incredibly healthy and stable relationship has had BDSM aspects from the start (considering he tied me up and slapped me around within the first hour of meeting) , and it is, for me, the fucking best possible way things could have gone.

 

[~Haze~]

Because BDSM relationships can't be healthy and stable? I disagree so much with the idea that one should be, or needs to be, in a "normal" relationship before being in the type of relationship that they want to be in, which feels right and normal for them.

I cannot properly express how much I disagree with this idea.

ETA: re-reading what you said, maybe you meant that a relationship needs to be healthy and stable before introducing BDSM aspects into it? (Rather than meaning one should be in "normal" relationships before being in BDSM relationships) If so, I don't completely disagree. But I also think that it is totally possible for a new relationship to have BDSM aspects from the start, no problem. My incredibly healthy and stable relationship has had BDSM aspects from the start (considering he tied me up and slapped me around within the first hour of meeting) , and it is, for me, the fucking best possible way things could have gone.

No. You have to put that comment in the context of the rest of the post. Despite what this girl said, I don't believe she graduated high school and I believe it's very possible she hasn't had sex yet.

I am all for any type of exploration within a healthy relationship. If she was involved in a healthy relationship.

Right now, she's known and talked to this guy for two years and had ONE conversation about sex. She has no experience or exposure to BDSM at all and I'm pretty sure she's had very little (if any) exposure to sex in general. Also... Did she say that she never spoke to this kid in real life? Right now it's all internet communication amongst very young individuals.

Considering that, she needs to take some steps to coddle this relationship. The first of which is moving to real life and all the fun things that come with real life, personal interaction/communication/relationships.

And yes - I also do believe that a person (a woman or a man) needs to have intercourse before they can start to explore BDSM. If only to understand and grasp the limits of one's own body.

The entire premise of my suggestion is based on the fact that I think we have a 15 year old virgin asking how to wander into the world of BDSM. Even if I were to believe her "explanation post", I submitted my post before I she convinced me.

 

[~Haze~]

http://i.imgur.com/8eWdF.jpg

 

[ImOnIt]

Kindly leave away the copy pasta bull shit thats infesting every corner of the internet.



god. damn.

 

[~Haze~]

Kindly leave away the copy pasta bull shit thats infesting every corner of the internet.



god. damn.

Oh, I have faith that you can deal with it.


http://i.imgur.com/DiYfQ.jpg

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I went back and reread my post, I didn't catch my "dominate" and "dominant" errors, I'm so embarrassed, haha! Usually I would be the person to correct OTHER people doing that. Karma I guess!

Haze, I'm two years out of college actually but I can see how some of the things in my post would lead to think that I'm a young high school virgin, such as my saying it was the first time I had talked about sex and my errors with the word "dominate". What I meant was that it was the first time I had talked about sex with that specific person. I have been in a handful of healthy relationships, a few lasting a couple of years each. I understand your concern and I would give the same advice to someone if I thought they were jumping in the deep end, so thank you. In past relationships I've experimented being a submissive by being given commands, light punishments, and begging. In a long-term relationship I found it to be easy, comfortable and natural.

I think maybe I didn't phrase my question correctly. I never post on message boards in general so I'm probably assuming you can all read my mind.

In my online relationship with this fellow I mentioned, he and I are only just now getting sexual so my concern has been not knowing how to broach this topic in a casual way as to not scare him off. I don't feel like I'm at a point yet with him where I can discuss it outright. Sir Winston, I think you understood my question better because your answer was more of what I was looking for, a delicate way to introduce it and get a vibe back. I think I will try using that tactic and see if I get a positive response.

GREAT advice!! I really like the "What are you going to do? Spank me?" response. That's exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for, because we are funny and joking in our conversations. I think I've just been nervous and looking forward to it, so my brain hasn't been able to pull up clever responses.

As a great update, I think your posts have instilled a confidence in me because I asked him to meet up with me for dinner last night. It was a GREAT outing, we completely clicked, and I was utterly nervous and bashful the entire time, haha. He also showed some mannerisms in person that showed me he is confident and might have potential. Minor things, more of a vibe that I got. I still think I need to take it slow though, because he seems to be very shy in bringing up things of a sexual nature.

So THANK YOU. I think some of your posts were a little kick in my butt to stop playing around on the internet all the time and actually go outside! Haha!

No. You have to put that comment in the context of the rest of the post. Despite what this girl said, I don't believe she graduated high school and I believe it's very possible she hasn't had sex yet.

I am all for any type of exploration within a healthy relationship. If she was involved in a healthy relationship.

Right now, she's known and talked to this guy for two years and had ONE conversation about sex. She has no experience or exposure to BDSM at all and I'm pretty sure she's had very little (if any) exposure to sex in general. Also... Did she say that she never spoke to this kid in real life? Right now it's all internet communication amongst very young individuals.

Considering that, she needs to take some steps to coddle this relationship. The first of which is moving to real life and all the fun things that come with real life, personal interaction/communication/relationships.

And yes - I also do believe that a person (a woman or a man) needs to have intercourse before they can start to explore BDSM. If only to understand and grasp the limits of one's own body.

The entire premise of my suggestion is based on the fact that I think we have a 15 year old virgin asking how to wander into the world of BDSM. Even if I were to believe her "explanation post", I submitted my post before I she convinced me.

Haze, how about re-reading the bolded and underlined portions of the chronologically-ordered posts quoted above?

While there are some indications of not-30s (or older) communicative style (e.g., "haha"), the general tenor (grammar, phrasing, spelling, construction) of her posts indicates to me an early- to mid-20s, literate person, and I think your estimation of her age and general experience are extremely judgmental and based on spurious reasoning.