Having trouble with a girl...

[ApprenticeApril]

So, I need some advice because I feel like I am at a severe impasse here.

I am a bisexual female. I am in a serious relationship with a bisexual male, and our relationship is open with a few basic standards and rules. So far it has been working beautifully for us.

There is a girl that I have been working with since August, and we work in a field that is small, tight-knit, and such open-sexuality would be severely frowned upon (it could cost you your job). We are close in age, she is four years my junior, and have become fairly good friends. We drink together on the weekends and talk regularly throughout the week about our lives, so she is aware of my bisexuality and my open relationship.

Well... immediately I had a hard crush for this girl. I wanted her in a bad way. Of course I respected boundaries yet there was still significant amounts of flirting. I was careful to never overstep, and therefore this process has been painstakingly slow. There have been multiple occasions where it was very clear to me that there was an open invitation to make a pass at her, yet the night I tried (about two months ago) I was rejected outright. She later apologized and said she was nervous. - Side note, she is straight and has never had a female experience, yet expresses desires to do so.

Since then I have backed way the hell off. There is still flirting when she initiates it, mostly through text messaging. Every time she gets close to something actually happening though, she runs away scared. At this point I really just want to be her friend. If something happens, great, but my feelings really won't be hurt if it doesn't.

Last night we hung out at my house, alone, but I was so dead tired I had to call it a night. Tonight she texted to say she had wanted something to happen?!? No signs?!?

I feel like I seriously need to sit her down and talk to her. She admitted last night she has been too scared to do anything because of our work, but I had previously told her on two separate occasions I would gladly like for something to happen, and that I know for a fact I would still respect her professionally in the morning. Basically at this point I feel like I'm being played and screwed with to her enjoyment. I feel as though if we had just fucked and moved on we would be better off than what all this game playing bullshit is doing to our friendship.

I want to have an open and honest conversation with her about all of this, but I definitely don't want it to seem like an attack or offensive. I feel like her young age and lack of experience is causing a lot of this, and I want to sort it out, but at this point, is it even my business? I'm also afraid if we don't talk, this behavior, on her part, will continue, and what started as me wanting some sex will become me getting really hurt.

Anyway, I tried to give enough info without giving entirely too much info, so I hope this post makes sense. If anyone has been in a similar situation, or can give me any sort of advice at all on how to approach this, I would be extremely appreciative.

Thanks in advance.

 

[emap]

Ah hell I don't know that is very open to interpretation. Her behavior with you not the post.

If all of the flirting was at work I'd say she wanted one of your male coworkers and is trying to entice him with see I'm bisexual come and do me.

Since she flirts elsewhere but doesn't go all the way it could mean she is addicted to the power her body has over others and doesn't want to have sex with you. However those people are fairly easy to spot, they are incredibly self centered and believe they are the center of the universe.

Which comes to the last option which is probably the correct one. She wants to have lesbian sex with you, but her upbringing screamed that homosexuality is wrong and she will burn in the fires of hell for all eternity for doing it. Which of course means, you need to take it slow and let her do it on her own speed.

Not to say you shouldn't talk to her about it. Don't worry it is easier than you are thinking. Next time you get her aloneish someplace, bars are good for this, just outright ask. Something like, you have been giving me vibes and I am really eager to put them to fruition but you are being reluctant, is there any chance of the vibes coming true?

 

[greystardust]

I see it this way:

I get from your post App_April, that this girl is really hot for you, but even more so, conflicted and unpredictable.

It sounds as though there have been ample opportunities, and if the heat were stronger than the conflict, she would have been in your pants by now. But her fear or hesitation (as referred to by Emap) has been strong enough to ward off the lust.

It could happen easily, if you were just to coax her a little, one brush of your hand over her breast for example...but I think it would be a big mistake. I think she will love it, and love you, until she wakes up next morning and realizes what can't be undone. Then you'd have the atomic fallout to deal with - in the work space.

Tell her you think sh'e damn hot, but you feel (if you actually do feel this) that she's not ready, and that you value your friendship more.

 

[ApprenticeApril]

Well I have decided we are definitely going to have to talk about this. I basically just want to make it clear that if she wants something to happen, that's fine, but I'm going to need a verbal confirmation of that. I'm not going to try again for something and have it blow up in my face.
If she doesn't want anything to happen, that's fine too, but if so the leading me on has to stop. It's not fair to either of us and is starting to make me uncomfortable.
Now just to actually spit all those words out of my mouth!

Damn, I really just wanted some hot girl lovin', why did it have to get all complicated and shit?

 

[april-wine]

There might be sexual tension...But from your description this is trouble!! Only advice that I see as relevent here,,,Never dip your pen in the company ink....

It's all exciting and fun now, but if you take this step this girl is all over the map and it will come back and affect your work life...

 

[txirimiri]

That is sound advice, April.

 

[ApprenticeApril]

There might be sexual tension...But from your description this is trouble!! Only advice that I see as relevent here,,,Never dip your pen in the company ink....

It's all exciting and fun now, but if you take this step this girl is all over the map and it will come back and affect your work life...

I may need to write this one on my palm as a friendly little reminder. It is definitely good advice.

 

[Meowgirl80]

One more thing to consider. I don't know about you but the last person I want to have sex with is a "virgin." Not that she isn't totally hot, I'm sure she is, it's just, you would be responsible for making her "first" special and meaningful, are you sure you want that responsiblitly?

 

[ficklefun]

One more thing to consider. I don't know about you but the last person I want to have sex with is a "virgin." Not that she isn't totally hot, I'm sure she is, it's just, you would be responsible for making her "first" special and meaningful, are you sure you want that responsiblitly?

I would, I would!

 

[ApprenticeApril]

I haven't been on Lit in forever, but I thought those of you that had given me advice might appreciate an update.

Anyway....

Yeah, I've had that sweetness ALL over my face!

I never did have the talk, I chickened out, but one night after ample drinking, it just happened. Just like that. We have now been doing the nasty for about three months. We still hang out regularly as just friends and work has been totally fine.

I am aware this situation won't be perfect like this forever, but as for now I'm eating it up (pun intended).

 

[infinity706]

I don't know. I've had some of my fuck buddies for years and some of them have had other ones of their fuck buddies since before I was born. (I'm 24.) As long as you're both pretty laid back, it could go on for quite some time.

 

[WSteven1]

ApprenticeApril...I would like to reiterate what April-Wine stated. I had an affair with a coworker (we were both married) and when she found out that I had had a one-night stand with another coworker...not in the same office or company, she EXPLODED!
Threw away my expense reports and office work, refused to speak with me on the phone other than 'hello' or 'goodbye' and there were other problems. Upper management found out (how I do not know..I did not tell them) and was very cool about it.

Just a word of warning!!!!!!