hi guys i need feeback on my first story (intro) .

[tanglin10]

Hi guys i need your feedback on my first story about the slow but yet sensual seduction of a 18 year old student i just came up with the introduction are there any changes i should make . feel free to comment

A Beautiful Seduction

Hi people this is my first time writing so please free to comment and respond .

*BUZZZZZZZZZZ* Jack awoke to sound the sound of what sounded like an explosive device going off in his ear ..dazed and disoriented he looked around to see that it was only his dreaded alarm clock going off beside his bed . He rubbed his eyes and looked about his room only to realise that it was the start of the new school term . He walked disillusioned to his bathroom feet trudging along the carpet like a wounded hare ,as he approached his thoughts were circled around the fact that he would probably have to see the same old faces of his classmates & his textbooks.

Meanwhile 3 blocks down the road ...

Grace opened her eyes and looked at her clock and was elated that it was her first day at work she sprang out her bed like a wound up coil and ran to her bathroom and hastely brushed her teeth as she looked at herself in the mirror still clothed in a light and lacy nightie she had bought from victoria's secret as she ran her hands by her sides she realised her age had probably gotten the better of her and there was no way she could ever find a man after the death of her husband mike .Mike had been her college sweetheart since she was 18 and it seemed like a fairytale when they got married but Gracey's world collapsed when he died in a accident abt 3 years down from her marriage they never managed to have any children due to their hectic lives ;mike was a air traffic controller and Grace was a businesswoman .It was brutal and she was never able to recover from it she was 35 years old and had given up any hope of ever finding a replacement to the void in her heart that could only be filled by mike.She was hoping that this new year would be a brand new step in her life .She slowly pulled off the straps that were holding her nightie to her shoulders and stepped into the shower as she turned on the warm shower..the water cascaced down her face and throughout her body which brought relief to her senses as she took a squeeze of soap and ran it over her breasts they were small but yet still managed to turn heads ,she was never able to figure out why as she ran the soap suds over her sides and over her tummy noticing the belly button she had pierced recently and smiling to herself as she had never done anything so risky in her life . she soaped her legs and notice there was some stubble on her tighs and told herself "gotta set a good impression it's my first day at a new job" she grabbed a razor and soaped her legs as she ran her razor by her calfs and her legs .She also noticed the small landing strip above her most intimate area and decided to leave it on as it was kinky . she giggled to herself as she ran the water over her legs and revealing a smooth delicate skin. She soaped her back and was reminded of the times when mike had caressed that same spot and massaging it tenderly she could picture him in the depth of her mind that he was there with her wrapping his strong arms around her waist .

she snapped out of the dream and quickly finished showering and headed for her bedroom and rummaged through her closet for a good dress to wear and found a beautiful yellow summer dress that was really cute and it was cut slightly above the knee .She picked out a sensual black laced bra which acentuated her curves and she slipped them on over her shoulders and clasped it at the back ..she pushed up her breasts and noticed how the bra gave her breasts the enticing look and not being slutty at the same time and slipped on her matching black panties and ran her hands by her sides admiring herself for a moment afterwhich she slipped them on and slipped on the dress . She stepped into the summer dress and looked at herself telling herself "now i'm ready for a new day "


to be continued ...

 

[CWatson]

...What the hell is wrong with your punctuation?! The space goes after the mark, not before!

Is there any possible way you could make the first sentence in Grace's paragraph shorter? It's long enough to be a paragraph in itself. You also have a lot of run-on sentences, especially in that paragraph.

Wouldn't a black bra show through a yellow summer dress? Someone who actually has boobs, pls confirm or deny.

And that's all I'm gonna say for now. (The people who know me know why I'm keeping quiet.)

 

[Guest]

I am going to touch on somethings that were not mentioned in the interest of providing constructive feedback.

The sound at the beginning can go. The story reads the same without it and the use of onomatopoeia is fine, but the sense that you use it in is more akin to graphic novels. If you start the story with "Jack awoke to sound the sound of " we will still get the point.

Additionally, "Meanwhile 3 blocks down the road ..." also smacks of graphic novels. It can be used, but I don't think it has any place in erotic fiction if your audience is the type that doesn't read comics. Much of your audience is over 40, and they need a different sort of transition.

Placing the characters thoughts in quotes, especially in a runon sentence bothers me. it just doesn't look right.

Point of all of this is that you need a good editor. If you go to the Editors Forum, there is a sticky at the top every month with who is available to edit and what their preferences are. give them a shot. a good editor can work wonders. i know, trust me.

 

[tanglin10]

hehe thanks for the pointers guys , looks like there's a lot of work to be done . and i've already requested for a editor thanks again for the feedback

 

[FreddieAnderson]

Ok I have a few pointers in here, some of which was also mentioned above in other posts.

Paragraph 1 - as mentioned above I would lost the onomatopoeic sound of the clock, not right for this style of writing, I'd tend to use that if I was writing for an audience that needed it's attention grabbing. I would also watch the use of "dreaded alarm clock", it's possibly too strong a word to use for an alarm clock. If you use dreaded for such a bland object that no one really dreads it can diminish the effectiveness of your imagery when you do need it to be more descriptive later on.
General grammar and punctuation issues also need a little bit of work.

Paragraph 2 - if you do need to use the "meanwhile..." then I would rephrase it, and definitely place it as the start of the next paragraph. Having it sit alone like it is puts too definite a divide in your story and makes it seem like two different stories. You don't really want this, you want it to be read as one story told from the perspective of an all seeing, all knowing narrator.
Also the second paragraph is way too long. Address it so that each new idea starts a new paragraph. The first sentence in it needs one hell of a lot of work. If you struggle with sentence length then read it aloud. As a simple, yet quite effective rule, take a new sentence whenever you need to take a breath in your reading out loud.

Paragraph 3 suffers from the same issues. As someone else said above, try to avoid putting thoughts in quotations unless the person is speaking out loud, describe the thought rather than putting it in word for word.

A few things you could work on with an editor there but it could be a good story.
If you are still on the look out for an editor I have just put myself forward as a volunteer, so let me know, just PM me.

F

 

[kromen]

...What the hell is wrong with your punctuation?! The space goes after the mark, not before!

Is there any possible way you could make the first sentence in Grace's paragraph shorter? It's long enough to be a paragraph in itself. You also have a lot of run-on sentences, especially in that paragraph.

Wouldn't a black bra show through a yellow summer dress? Someone who actually has boobs, pls confirm or deny.

And that's all I'm gonna say for now. (The people who know me know why I'm keeping quiet.)

I applaud your restraint, CW.

 

[Guest]

Regarding paragraph length, I had a real problem with that in my first story. Because I custom set my browsers fonts and such, with them overriding all others I didn't see the problem until I looked at it on someone else's computer.

To fix these run on paragraphs (or as JennyJackson calls it, my "wall of text"), I took the advice of a fellow LIT member and kept my paragraphs to four or five standard DOC lines. Then, I resived my margins to match LIT's and made sure that none of my paragraphs in my new story exceeded six lines (when possible).

large blocks of text on a backlit screen turn readers off and force them to click somewhere else. It makes the eyes and head hurt.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I Can't Do It! It Blinded Me!

 

[Guest]

I Can't Do It! It Blinded Me!

Yeah, well, you taught me something. Figured I might pass it along.

 

[oOScarletWingsOo]

Wouldn't a black bra show through a yellow summer dress? Someone who actually has boobs, pls confirm or deny.


I would think that any woman who wears bras would choose a white or light colored bra to go under anything yellow. Depending on the weight of the fabric...how transparent it is...then it may not show through. On that detail, I'd choose to change the color of one of the garments.

It's good to see that you are using figures of speech. They bring life to your writing. I will say that they are a bit heavy handed/exaggerated: "sprang out her bed like a wound up coil"?

You might want to think about injecting some action verbs into your writing. Writing character action that consistantly beings with "as she did that" and "as he did this" comes off flat.

The last thing I'd add is that you might want to avoid doing an information dump with Grace. You've got her age, history and occupation all in one paragraphy. Think about weaving that information into the story as it develops. Make the reader curious about the characters.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Wouldn't a black bra show through a yellow summer dress? Someone who actually has boobs, pls confirm or deny.

Depends on the construction of the dress and the fabric material. Generally my answer would be yes, but I do have light colored summer dresses that would not show through.