Story Discussion 25 Nov. 09 "Reunion" by O.B.M.

[OnlyByMoonlight]

Hi everyone,

This was the first story I wrote, and though I submitted it in '07 I just discovered that I could get feedback this way.
Any feedback is appreciated. I just want to get an idea of my strengths, weaknesses, and how to improve my weaknesses.


I've pasted the link below as well as the story text.

 

[OnlyByMoonlight]

And the Story...

First the link...
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=310346

And the story

Reunion
by OnlyByMoonlight©

The rain poured down on her as she ran to her building door. She let out a deep sigh as she entered and assessed the damage. Her red satin dress was soaked and clinging to her thighs and chest. The spaghetti straps had tumbled down off her shoulders as she had dashed inside. The thin wet fabric was molded around her hourglass figure and brimming bust, the fabric looking as if it were almost flowing over her body. The warm rainwater ran from her soft face down her neck and from her thighs down her long sleek legs. She shook out her long red hair and ran her fingers through it messing it up slightly. She wiped a few running droplets off her forehead before she fished the key out of her purse and headed up to her room.

As she began to push the door open, she heard a roaring clap of thunder and everything went dark. She could hear the little shrieks form the old bags downstairs as the electricity went out. But she just chuckled and began feeling her way into the living room of her apartment.

Immediately as she reached the large open room and set her bag on the desk, she felt her body freeze. She could see nothing in the dark room and all she could hear was the trickling of rain and the quickening beats of her heart. Her whole body began to melt as she grabbed the desk and gasped. Her skin began to chill as she began breathing deeper and deeper, her breasts pressing harder and harder against the top edge of the wet satin as she did.

He was there; she knew it. She could feel him watching her. She could feel his eyes undressing her through the darkness until she felt completely naked. She didn't move-- she couldn't. She felt the draft behind her fall into a dead lull as she clutched the desk. A shuddering gasp escaped from her mouth as he put his hand on her neck with his fingertips grazing her lower lip. He pressed up against her back, his lips on her neck as rainwater dripped from her dress and onto her legs where it rolled down to her toes encased in heels and curled already in anticipation of what was to come.

Everything was still dark. She couldn't see the couch, the desk, or even his face but she knew it was him. The sounds of the rolling thunder and tricking rain grew faint and soon the only sound she could hear was that of him kissing her neck. She could smell his subtle yet intoxicating cologne, taste the sweat from his fingertips, but most of all she could feel him. She could feel his suit pressing against her body. She could feel his moist breath on her neck. She could feel his eyes telling her not to move as he put his other hand over her shaking hand that clutched the table, the black fabric of his suit feeling so soft as it rubbed against her skin. It was that suit and that cologne that always made her melt. The thought of this young, quiet, dark haired, handsome businessman pressing her against his body made her juices flow and her heart race.

She closed her eyes and didn't move as she felt his hand begin running the length of her arm, leaving a trail of goose bumps in its wake. His hand reached over and grabbed her waist. He ran his fingers over her silky dress and down her leg to the base of her dress, just above her knee. She shook as he touched the skin of her leg. She wanted his tongue in her mouth. She wanted his cock inside her but still she didn't move. Even though she wanted him to the point of insanity, she still didn't move-- partly because he didn't want her to and partly of anticipation.

She felt his hand going up her leg under her dress once again leaving a wake of goose bumps. His lips started to press harder against her neck as his hand neared her thighs. He slid his other hand up her chest between her breasts and wrapped his fingers loosely around her neck, pulling her closer to him. The smell of his cologne only intoxicated her more. The feeling of his warm lips and tongue pressing against her neck as he kissed her set off waves of excitement that rippled through her entire body.

Her heart was pounding at a ferocious speed as his fingertips danced over her panty line. She could feel his heart beating as fast as hers, almost synchronously and melodically with hers. She could feel his stiff cock pressing against her lower back as she realized the lining of her panties was now slick with her won juices. She loosened her grip on the desk and held her breath.

He reached down around to the small of her back, slid his hand between her ass and the lace panties, and ripped them off. Before the shards of lace had a chance to hit the floor, he spun her around and pushed her down flat on the desk. She spread her legs as he undid his belt and fly. He pulled his throbbing and tense cock out as he climbed on top of her. She wrapped her legs around him as she felt his warm mouth kissing her.

He sucked on her lips, neck, shoulders, and chest even biting her at times from the excitement. Then she clamped her legs around him tighter as she felt him push his cock inside her, biting her shoulder and arching his back as he did. She let out a moan, almost a whimper, as he slid into her. She'd almost forgotten just how big he was and how good he felt inside her.

He pulled himself up and grabbed her hips. She clawed at his suit as she leaned her head back flat against the wood and moaned. With every stroke, he slammed the desk up against the wall. The sensation of him holding her down as he fucked her was almost enough to make her cum. The thought of him being in control drove her wild. He held her down with the weight of his body as he kissed her and fucked her. His hands gripped her hips hard-- she knew she'd probably have bruises in the morning but she didn't care. The pleasure overwhelmed her to the point of delirium.

He dug his fingers into her skin and kissed her lips harder than he had before. She ran her fingers through his thick hair as her body started to shake. The sounds of their moaning, breathing, and frantically pounding heartbeats drowned out the booming thunder. He fucked her so hard she felt her head spin. Every stroke hit her like a dose of the most intense drug. She could feel it from her curled toes to her throbbing to her lips that were locked with his.

He pushed harder and harder making her scream incoherently. She was in such a state of ecstasy that her mind was paralyzed. She couldn't think. All she could do was focus on the pleasure. He held her down harder and pulled his lips back. She felt his sweat drip down off his chin and onto her neck as his cock pushed in deeper as he groaned and began to cum. He thrust up, the throbbing meat of his cock colliding with the center of her G-spot.

She could feel his warm cum inside her as he pounded harder and harder while she fell into the hardest orgasm she'd ever felt. It was a state of orgasmic cathartic delirium as wave after wave of the most intense debilitating pleasure shot through her body. Her legs twitched and her lips quivered as their orgasm peaked. She felt the waves of pleasure begin to calm as she fell into a breathless, tranquil state.

The sound of the thunder outside was still dull as all she could hear was their breathing and still raging heartbeats. He ran his hand over her wet chest and up to her face where he wiped the little bit of smeared lipstick off her soft skin. He ran his fingers through her still wet hair as he kissed her again softer though letting their lips linger together a bit. She was happy to have him back in her arms. A week apart for newlyweds seems like a lifetime.

 

[OnlyByMoonlight]

So like I said, any feedback is appreciated, though focusing on the strengths and weaknesses and how to improve on my weaknesses.

I'm especially interested in dialogue, though as may have noticed there is none in the story. I debated with myself about that and I think its good without any, but your thoughts on that would be appreciated.

Other than that I don't know what to say.
Just speak the truth, and don't hold anything back.

Thanx,
OBM

 

[mikeaday]

fairly good i though this sentence "He pressed up against her back, his lips on her neck as rainwater dripped from her dress and onto her legs where it rolled down to her toes encased in heels and curled already in anticipation of what was to come." was a bit long almost skipped over it.

She could feel his eyes telling her not to move as he put his other hand over her shaking hand. this would work better with something like His eyes bored into the back of her head forcing her to keep still.

she still didn't move-- partly because he didn't want her to and partly of anticipation. i dont think this line is needed as is confusing and the last one finishes it off sound.

if you wanted to show his power over her i would have left her facing forward. He could have turned her over to kiss her on the lips before turning her back to fuck her hard.

now for the parts i liked. when she goes into the room first and starts gasping in anticipation is very good. i thought it was going to be a story with a demon or something first with the way the room got cold. Her confidence at being in the dark contrasts well with the way she freees when she enters the room.


The sound of the thunder outside was still dull as all she could hear was their breathing and still raging heartbeats. i love this line aswell her hearing dulled by the blood rushing to her head.

the man this is to try and vary words like long sleej legs and long hair. this is something i ave to work on myself.

Keep up the good work

 

[OnlyByMoonlight]

Thanks...

Thanks so much for the feedback. It was quite helpful.

if you wanted to show his power over her i would have left her facing forward. He could have turned her over to kiss her on the lips before turning her back to fuck her hard.

I considered very much doing that but I decided not to because this was based on a couple of characters from another work of mine, and its complicated to explain, but having sex with her like that isn't something he would feel comfortable with (he's a very complicated character). Had it been any other character though, thats what I would have done most likely.

Thanks so much

 

[jacks4u]

OBM,

I'm not much of an author, but am an avid reader, and know what I like, what works for me.

I normally like some dialog. This would be good as a portion of a larger work. In some ways I did like it: It's quite descriptive, you do a good job of showing, instead of telling - I had no trouble picturing the characters or the action, or even the weather. Your sex scene was quite hot, arousing even.

But I actually felt like I was standing in the corner watching two strangers, a real perv or voyeur (of course, I might be, but still... ). Hell, I still don't know their names at the end of the story. That was frustrating. I was put off also by the repeated 'she' and 'her'... ( 'she' - 73 times, 'her' - 135 times, in 1400 words. ). proper names let the author avoid such repetitions, and make the characters more personable. I like to know whom it is I'm watching fuck...

Like Mike, I thought in some places the sentences were a bit long winded, and had to re-read to get it right.

I thought you did a good job of adding tension and suspense, but I would have liked the characters to be a little bit more real.

I had a lot of questions right from the start: Who is she? Is this her house or apartment? some one else's, or an office? The rain poured down on her as she ran to her building door just doesn't give enough of a clue.

As for dialog - "yes, please!" many readers will hit the back button if there's no dialog within the first few paragraphs. But I suppose internal dialog also works. Here you mostly show us what the two are doing, but only her internal dialog tells us what she's thinking, and what she thinks he's thinking.

I hope this helps,


Jacks

 

[poppy_cock]

I love the idea. I can see what you’re trying to create and the atmosphere is almost tangible.

Almost.

There’s no question in my mind that you’ve got the creativity and imagination to be a good writer. But I think what you need to do now is think about the writing itself. It’s all a bit ‘learn to read’ primer at the moment. Sorry, that sounds really insulting, but I can’t think of a better description right now. If it’s any consolation, pretty much every newbie writer under the sun starts out that way. I know I did.

What am I talking about? Well, this is how your story reads at the moment:

The rain poured down…
She let out a deep sigh…
Her red satin dress was soaked…
The spaghetti straps had tumbled down…
The thin wet fabric was molded…
The warm rainwater ran…
She shook out her long red hair…
She wiped a few running droplets…

That’s just the first paragraph. Of 8 sentences, half of them start with ‘The’, 3 start with ‘She’ and the other one starts with ‘Her’. It’s all a bit… boring. Why not mix things up? Try, ‘Letting out a deep sigh, she…’, ‘As she dashed inside, the spaghetti straps tumbled down her shoulders’. Not only does it make things more interesting, but as a side effect, you’ll naturally start writing sentences of different lengths. There’s nothing more (subconsciously) off-putting to a reader than to read one sentence after another that all feel the same length.

What else? I think I’d recommend that you try to avoid the words ‘feel’ and ‘felt’ as much as possible. Yep, I know that sounds daft. “I’m writing a sex scene!” you cry. “Feeling’s what it’s all about!” True. But in this piece of writing, your use of the word ‘feel’ or ‘felt’ is pretty redundant a lot of the time.

For example, you wrote:

He held her down harder and pulled his lips back. She felt his sweat drip down off his chin and onto her neck as his cock pushed in deeper as he groaned and began to cum.

How about:

He held her down harder and pulled his lips back. His sweat dripped off his chin and onto her neck, his cock pushing in deeper as he groaned and began to cum.

Again, the overuse of so-called ‘redundant’ words is common for newbie writers. Other redundant words include ‘could’ (why write ‘She could see’ when all you need to write is ‘She saw’?) and 'began' (‘She began to push at the door’ – why not plain old ‘She pushed at the door’?)

I think, IMHO, you probably need an editor. Not for spelling, not as a proof reader, but someone who’ll look at each sentence and make you ask yourself whether you could have written it better. Then when you’re happy that a sentence is right, look at how the paragraph works as a whole, etc. Of course, you can do a lot of that for yourself without using an editor.

As I said at the top, I definitely think you’ve got the imagination to be a good writer. It’s just time to put a bit more polish on the end result now.

 

[poppy_cock]

Just noticed that you specifically wanted feedback on dialogue - so just to finish

This is actually one of very few pieces of writing that if tightened up, would work just fine without dialogue. The fact that no words are exchanged here is all part of the story. If heroine suddenly came out with, "Oh, I forgot how big you are!" halfway down the page, I'd probably start laughing.

About the only place dialogue might work is right at the end, with one or the other saying something about it being good to be home, blah blah.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Moonlight,

I noticed your interest in the queue regarding hosting another discussion, which is totally fine, but it made me wonder a bit about this one. When I saw no response to Jacks' and Poppy's comments, I concluded that you might have moved on and were not interested in additional discussion on "Reunion", which is why I didn't make the time to read it. Was I mistaken?

Penny

 

[OnlyByMoonlight]

Hi Moonlight,

I noticed your interest in the queue regarding hosting another discussion, which is totally fine, but it made me wonder a bit about this one. When I saw no response to Jacks' and Poppy's comments, I concluded that you might have moved on and were not interested in additional discussion on "Reunion", which is why I didn't make the time to read it. Was I mistaken?

Penny

I'm always interested in hearing what people have to say. I just got really tied up after Thanksgiving and didn't hardly have time to post anything. Feel free to critique me, though!

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Moonlight,

That opening paragraph is a mixed bag, it feels like you're trying to tell us everything about the heroine's physical appearance without quite resorting to just listing attributes. It's a good idea; it just feels a little forced.

The lack of dialog works to increase the suspense during the tale, but the revelation that they are newlyweds was rather anticlimactic. It left me wondering if the lack of dialog is meant to reveal a quirky facet of their relationship or if it's just a gimmick to keep the reader in the dark.

... rainwater dripped from her dress and onto her legs where it rolled down to her toes encased in heels and curled already in anticipation of what was to come.
I really like this image. For me, nothing more needed to be said about her level of excitement. You could have omitted the bit about why her toes are curled; your showing is so good I didn't need any telling!

On the other hand, this line made me wonder if her attraction to him is purely superficial: It was that suit and that cologne that always made her melt. I agree scents are important, but is this all it takes to get her going? Not that there's anything wrong with attraction being primarily physical, especially in this type of story. Still, not understanding why she wants to be with him kept me at a distance.

Even though it's dressed up a bit, I see a classic stroke story featuring an already happy couple and the best orgasm ever. Within the confines of that genre, I'd say you did a fine job. It's hard to say much more without knowing if you had specific goals for your story.

Take Care,
Penny

P.S.
I agree a little dialog at the end could have been effective, especially if either of them had said something like that last line.

Not knowing the character's names didn't bother me at all, nor did the pronouns.

I also noticed some of the lengthy sentences. What if you searched for "as" and split a portion of these sentences up?