Financial differences

[Aquila1]

This has probably been asked before, but I was wondering if anybody had any thoughts on how different income levels can effect a relationship? I do realize that there will be a very broad and complex range of individual situations on here, so there will be a number of perspectives, but I am curious as to how many people willingly surrender financial control within their relationship.

This issue rears its head from time to time in my situation - we are not in a M/s type relationship, and there is a significant difference in our income levels. Because I run a quite specialized business, I tend to bring a pretty reasonable income, while Mr A works locally for quite a lot less. Part of this is down to a lifestyle choice as he could earn a great deal more if he worked overseas. The money thing is not so important to me - I acknowledge that his support allows me to achieve more in my own business and I am grateful to him for that, but sometimes I know it gets to him.

We sometimes end up fighting over financial matters - or more correctly, my decision to spend money. It's not that I see it as 'my' money, but I do think that I because I work hard, I want to be able to enjoy the benefits. I am happy to spend money on him, but he is a very frugal creature. I guess the issue we have is that he feels like I am defying and ignoring him when I choose to go my own way here. It just seems like one of those constantly unresolved issues, you know?

 

[Bandit58]

Sir and I have the same income each (Centrelink welfare payments) but I have financial investments from my divorce from my first husband, consequently I have way more money than He does.

It's not an issue. He does not want control over my finances - in fact I make sure our bills are paid and He gives me His share in cash.

If I want anything I am free to buy it. The money I have does give us some little luxuries that we otherwise could not afford, and it also purchased us a car, which is registered in my name.

However most of it is tied up in investments which will give me security in case anything happens and I am left alone

 

[lickjen]

i ha the financial flag waved at me form time to time imn my previous relationship. firstly i earned a third of what he did, then when i couldnt work, he was 'the bread winner' in his house coz he pays the rent and bills etc...
needless to say, he is gone!!

 

[sb2009]

In my first marriage, while my ex didn't *earn* a whole lot of money, he was from a family significantly higher on the socioeconomic food chain than I was and it made a big difference, after the newness of him falling for me wore off. He didn't understand that I just *didn't understand* the idea that a woman couldn't wear the same dress to two holiday partys, etc. He was a total snob, but when we started dating he thought I was "refreshing." What he figured was just me being different was just me, being from a working class family LOL. It really got on his nerves after a year or two and I really felt out of place. Hence, a divorce.

It's completely different with my current husband - we are from similiar social background though earns enough moneny that I don't work, he is very thrifty and I seem to be the spendthrift in the relationship. I've never earned as much as he has but I take care of the kids so that earns me a high pretend income ;-)

 

[sb2009]

In my first marriage, while my ex didn't *earn* a whole lot of money, he was from a family significantly higher on the socioeconomic food chain than I was and it made a big difference, after the newness of him falling for me wore off. He didn't understand that I just *didn't understand* the idea that a woman couldn't wear the same dress to two holiday partys, etc. He was a total snob, but when we started dating he thought I was "refreshing." What he figured was just me being different was just me, being from a working class family LOL. It really got on his nerves after a year or two and I really felt out of place. Hence, a divorce.

It's completely different with my current husband - we are from similiar social background though earns enough moneny that I don't work, he is very thrifty and I seem to be the spendthrift in the relationship. I've never earned as much as he has but I take care of the kids so that earns me a high pretend income ;-)

 

[the captians wench]

I think that this is an issue in most relationships, and one that needs to be nagotiated before living together.

Personally, I've always believed in a comunal style arangement. All money goes into one account and purchases are agreed upon.

But I have known people who keep seperate bank accounts and each pay a share of the bills. When they are out for dinner or something, they decide then who pays this time.

And I have seen cases of a mixture of both. It all depends on what works for the couple. My ex husband was the "bread winner" while I recovered from a nervous breakdown, and I took care of making sure all of the bills were paid and we had food on the table. When I did start to work, the money I earned went into the same account, but he felt that it should just be fun money and I should spend it how I liked. I didn't like the idea, it seperated things into "yours" and "mine", but he had motives behind what he did so....

Money is a huge issue, in relationships, and when ending them. It's the number one reason couples fight. While I don't think it can be totally avoided, I believe it can be eased by talking about it first and knowing the spending habbits of your partner.

 

[FurryFury]

My ex was highly resentful that I didn't make a certain amount of money he'd decided I should. I put him through law school but he was never happy with anything. I couldn't do anything well enough for him, period.

My current husband makes more than I do. It bothers me that I am not making more. Never mind that I also drive the kids everywhere and homeschool them. LOL.

It bothers me due to MY issues. He is totally supportive.

It is wonderful, imo, that we agree about money matters in general which is a very good thing.

In most relationships that I see the person with the financial advantage tends to use it to bludgeon the one that doesn't have it. Or course I know some pretty fucked up people.

All of my life many of my relatives have tried to use money as a substitute for love and/or to gain power or own me. It doesn't work well with me. This is probably why I have issues.

 

[Tyr51]

I am so glad my husband and I discussed money before we discussed marraige.


Our money is OUR money. It is our future. It is our investment I make more than he does now, yes. But in a few years, this will change (he will finish his PhD). I look forward to being able to have and raise a child or two. We know the financial dynamic will change. We have set out our rules.

I am so lucky that he is willing to be in charge of paying the bills. I dont mind earning money for them. Opening them, reading them..... I am just glad he does it. I also have an allowance from which I purchase our food and sundries. We can both buy anything up to $100 without asking the other partner. More than that? We'll talk. We've allocated our budgets for Christmas.

I am so lucky to be with a man who understands that our collective earnings belong to both of us, and thus the care of that belongs to us both. I may earn more now, but one day I wont. I feel happy and secure about this. I am glad that our earnings are comunal and not a competition.

We're a couple. What we earn belongs to our family, period. Its not mine. It isn't his. It is ours, to use and to build upon.

 

[PertPerth]

I earn quite a bit and have built up considerable assets (I'm 30, single and haven't been married) and have had a couple of relationships where my other half didn't nearly earn as much as me, and (he) had issues with that. I think both of them were old-fashioned in thinking that the man had to be the bread-winner and pay for the bulk of things.

I will always have a separate bank account, but I beleive mutual bills (rent/mortgage/food etc) should be paid out of a joint account to which both parties contribute. I know too many people, including my brother, who have been in a long term (committed) relationship, living with someone - who suddenly moves out and withdraws all the money from their joint account. I'd never want that to happen to me, so rather than worry about it, keeping a separate account is easier. Also, that way, money from my account can be "spurged without permission".

I definitely feel that it's up to the couple - what ever works! It needs to be discussed before it becomes a real issue. There is almost always a workable compromise.

 

[Bandit58]

I earn quite a bit and have built up considerable assets (I'm 30, single and haven't been married) and have had a couple of relationships where my other half didn't nearly earn as much as me, and (he) had issues with that. I think both of them were old-fashioned in thinking that the man had to be the bread-winner and pay for the bulk of things.

I will always have a separate bank account, but I beleive mutual bills (rent/mortgage/food etc) should be paid out of a joint account to which both parties contribute. I know too many people, including my brother, who have been in a long term (committed) relationship, living with someone - who suddenly moves out and withdraws all the money from their joint account. I'd never want that to happen to me, so rather than worry about it, keeping a separate account is easier. Also, that way, money from my account can be "spurged without permission".

I definitely feel that it's up to the couple - what ever works! It needs to be discussed before it becomes a real issue. There is almost always a workable compromise.

Sir and I have separate bank accounts, but I know His PIN Mainly so that I'm able to get His weekly money out of the ATM if He's not up to going out or He's on the dialysis machine.
He doesn't know mine, and doesn't want to.

He gives me money for bills and groceries, in fact insists I tell Him what bills are due and when so He can give me His half. I use internet banking for our bills - I can schedule them to be paid on the last day possible

 

[insert____here]

ahhh finances: one of the leading causes of arguments in any relationship

my ex and i had our own accounts and a shared account for bills that he never contributed enough to. he is an alcoholic and a chain smoker and at the time was keeping three fish tanks (and they are damn expensive).

we didn't split up very long ago and i am still trying to dig myself out of the financial hole i allowed him to dig us into. especially since all the bills were in my name.

as a result i will never ever ever allow anyone to involve themselves in the finances ever again.

edited to add, i don't think that differences in earning amounts is the problem. it's people's different ideas on how to manage money that seems to be the cause of the fight. my advice is sort it out before hand. along with your opinions on educating kids and religion. these things matter if you want a serious relationship, no matter how unromantic they seem.

 

[graceanne]

I think that this is an issue in most relationships, and one that needs to be nagotiated before living together.

Personally, I've always believed in a comunal style arangement. All money goes into one account and purchases are agreed upon.

That's how me and K have always done it, and it works for me and him. We honestly consider it all 'our money' and I don't work. (Although we worked it out once and discovered we would LOSE money if I was working, what with day care and the extra gas and all that.)

My sister and her hubby, when she's working, maintain different finances, they pay into stuff. That works for them, because it reduces arguments about what to spend their 'extra' on.

It really depends on the person, and sometimes you gotta just sit down and discuss the issue and find a way that works for YOUR relationship. Honestly, me and K were married for something like 10 years before we stopped arguing about money. And that's mostly cause I finally said to him "look, I make up budgets. you don't want to look at them. i'm not a spend thrift, you are, that's why we put me in charge of the money. no i can't tell you off the top of my head which bills i paid and how much. if you're that curious pull up the budget - the link is on my desktop. until then stop nitpicking, nagging, and accusing me when money runs out unless you are going to take a more active role in our finances." Occasionally I have to remind him, but he's a lot better about bugging me about money.

 

[PertPerth]

We're a couple. What we earn belongs to our family, period. Its not mine. It isn't his. It is ours, to use and to build upon.

I love the idea of this (I'm a bit of a romantic) but I know it's not something that I could happily live with.

Sir and I have separate bank accounts, but I know His PIN Mainly so that I'm able to get His weekly money out of the ATM if He's not up to going out or He's on the dialysis machine.
He doesn't know mine, and doesn't want to.

I find that quite interesting. I guess you're in quite a unique situation where you're not only Gil's sub, you're his nurse/carer too.

 

[rida]

We have separate accounts and handle our own money. We both have our own investments and savings. I know I can ask if I were to need money, and same for him. (And beside, they do not have joint accounts here in Japan).

Since getting together, I always had a source of income so I always paid for my stuff (clothes, books, whatnot) with my own money. But due to earning differential, he always covered the big living expenses. I'm the one in charge of grocery and anything related to running the house so at first I also had a monthly grocery allowance.

Once my salary got to be a reasonable amount, I stopped asking for the monthly allowance and I now cover groceries (and kids' stuff).

We both are not big spenders. We have each our own weaknesses (he loves good wine and good food and can only wear tailor made shirts and suits; and I love shoes and lingerie) but as we share the same principle of not buying what we cannot afford to pay, we rarely argue about money. I think the last time it was when I lost money with an investment in a start-up company: he kept on bugging me that WE lost money, when they all came out from my account. I told him that next time he said that WE lost money I'd ask him to reimburse me of half of the amount and somehow that stopped him

It looks like things might change in the near future, but I'm sure we will be able to find an arrangement we can both live with.

 

[eastern sun]

I am financially dependent on my husband. He maintains a separate account, and allocates money to the household. I am in charge of paying bills and managing the budget. We only discuss the large expenses (i.e. vacations, renovations). We rarely argue about money, though he will point out when he wants me to do something differently.

An interesting moment occurred when I inherited a sum of money from the sale of my mother's house. It went into the household account, and though we treated it as "mine," it was used to support my husband's return to school, during which we had little income. I had wanted to put it in a separate account as a kind of "safety net." So while we were spending it, my husband promised me he would pay it back.

After it was gone, a separate account was never established. About a year and half later, I approached him and stated that since he had been so generously supporting us, I was comfortable putting the money I'd inherited into the general pot, but that I'd like to buy a car. (I had spent more than one winter jump starting my old car with babies in the backseat . . . ) He readily agreed. I also felt less guilty about asking for two other large expenses in the next two years. . . .

 

[FurryFury]

My husband and I keep separate accounts and pay household expenses that we agree each should do. Basically he pays the big stuff like the mortgage and his own stuff. I pay the little stuff. Recently I've had less money coming in. He's offered to pay for more things (he just hates writing checks in general) or give me money to do that.

It's all "our family" money but we like to keep our separate financial identities which I think is wise. I've always felt that way. In a prior relationship, I also kept money separate but we had a household account as well. I did unfortunately share a credit card with him.

 

[graceanne]

My husband and I keep separate accounts and pay household expenses that we agree each should do. Basically he pays the big stuff like the mortgage and his own stuff. I pay the little stuff. Recently I've had less money coming in. He's offered to pay for more things (he just hates writing checks in general) or give me money to do that.

It's all "our family" money but we like to keep our separate financial identities which I think is wise. I've always felt that way. In a prior relationship, I also kept money separate but we had a household account as well. I did unfortunately share a credit card with him.

That's pretty much how it works with my sister and husband and it's reduced arguments SO much. It was, actually, my suggestion, because they were arguing about money so much. They love it.

 

[the captians wench]

Maybe I'm just a romantic.

I was burned pretty badly financially when my ex and I split. We had a joint account, but when we split he wouldn't go with me to take my name off of the account and he dug it deep in the hole. Four years later I'm just getting to a point where I'm not laughed at when I aply for a credit card.

But I still believe in the joint system. It only stopped working when we split up.

Maybe it goes back to my belief that if you plan for a split then it dooms the relationship before it gets started. Perhaps this is a romantic notion and not one that's very intelegent, but it's what I believe.

 

[FurryFury]

That's pretty much how it works with my sister and husband and it's reduced arguments SO much. It was, actually, my suggestion, because they were arguing about money so much. They love it.

I know I have watched so many couples have very frustrating problems from s/he didn't put that deposit in when s/he was supposed to, to huge problems with spending in general. It can lead to a lot of heartbreak and fights.

 

[dianajh73]

My husband and I keep separate accounts and pay household expenses that we agree each should do. Basically he pays the big stuff like the mortgage and his own stuff. I pay the little stuff. Recently I've had less money coming in. He's offered to pay for more things (he just hates writing checks in general) or give me money to do that.

It's all "our family" money but we like to keep our separate financial identities which I think is wise. I've always felt that way. In a prior relationship, I also kept money separate but we had a household account as well. I did unfortunately share a credit card with him.

My husband and I are similar. We actually use 2 joint accounts, which will make things easier if anything happens to either of us, but our checks only list our individual names. With internet banking it is easy to transfer money between the 2, but we each have responsibility for our own accounts. I saw my parents overdraw all the time with 1 account so prefer this.

He is VERY old fashioned so he pays the primary bills and my money is for trips. I am also the better saver and planner so this works well and keeps us better off financially.

 

[FurryFury]

Yeah, my parents were terrible money managers. A lot of months they'd have an emergency garage sell, even selling some of MY things that I'd paied for with my own money to make ends barely meet. I didn't want to live like that.

My husband and I are similar. We actually use 2 joint accounts, which will make things easier if anything happens to either of us, but our checks only list our individual names. With internet banking it is easy to transfer money between the 2, but we each have responsibility for our own accounts. I saw my parents overdraw all the time with 1 account so prefer this.

He is VERY old fashioned so he pays the primary bills and my money is for trips. I am also the better saver and planner so this works well and keeps us better off financially. Right now I am in nursing school so he puts money into my account each month. Once I am out, then it will work the other way around

I couldn't imagine being dependent on anyone for money until I met him. It works, but the first 5 yrs of our marriage I made enough to support myself. It took a lot of trust to totally rely on him financially, but it is for our future.

 

[graceanne]

I know I have watched so many couples have very frustrating problems from s/he didn't put that deposit in when s/he was supposed to, to huge problems with spending in general. It can lead to a lot of heartbreak and fights.

Yep. It works for me and K, mostly cause he doesn't every pull out money without checking with me that their won't be a problem. But that doesn't work for everyone else, and there is NOTHING wrong with doing it differently. Too often people get caught up in the 'shoulds', and they just make themselves miserable. If every marriage is different, then every marriages way of handling money should be different.

 

[StrayKat]

When I got married first time I was 18. I had a job and he was a student. I had no problem "supporting" him. My idea of marriage was "what is mine is yours". If I trust someone enough to marry them I trust them with my money, my life, my everything... yes I was one of the last romantics in the world, I took that crappy piece of paper too seriously.

The problem was, and still is, not that I make more money, I was stay at home Mom for years and I have maybe 5 years of experience in my resume. The problem is that my family has money and lot of it. If I wouldnt push them away and simply say no I would never lack cash for anything I might want. Unlike my husbands though, I was raised to respect that money and never take advantage. I am not a spender, I actually enjoy saving every cent.

Both my husbands, it seems, are eager to spend without much interest where the money comes from or respect for it. I left first one, I am still bearing with second one, but now I have my separate account and I take good care how much he spends. I hate that. It makes me bitter. I got married to build some nice future for both of us together, not to play money police. Not to mention how all my silly dreams about "whats mine is yours" went to pieces.
I dont think I will trust anyone with my money ever again.

 

[mistressmaxine]

We have an account each and a household account. That one pays all houshold expenses and the monies in our own accounts is ours...Works for us!

 

[Cattypuss]

My experience of live-in relationships has been that big differences in income (and I've been the big earner and the little earner in my time) don't mean shit if you both have the same values re. spending/saving.

Conversely, the relationship shit REALLY hits the fan if you have different values re. saving/spending, no matter what your relative incomes.