My first submission.....as a writer

[LucyDiamonds]

Looking for some feedback. I kind of thought I might get some comments on my story but nothing yet, so here I am at your mercy. Let me know what you think, good or bad, just trying to grow a little as I start my next one.

Thanks in advance,
LucyDiamonds

<a href="http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=445946" title="Literotica:Erotic Horror:Between a Witch and a Devil">Literotica: Erotic Horror: Between a Witch and a Devil</a>

 

[Kikori]

Looking for some feedback. I kind of thought I might get some comments on my story but nothing yet, so here I am at your mercy. Let me know what you think, good or bad, just trying to grow a little as I start my next one.

Thanks in advance,
LucyDiamonds

<a href="http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=445946" title="Literotica:Erotic Horror:Between a Witch and a Devil">Literotica: Erotic Horror: Between a Witch and a Devil</a>

Try Erotic Horror: Between a Witch and a Devil.

(We're on a forum / bulletin board, so you need BBcode.)

I'll see about reading it after work. ^_^

 

[LucyDiamonds]

Try Erotic Horror: Between a Witch and a Devil.

(We're on a forum / bulletin board, so you need BBcode.)

I'll see about reading it after work. ^_^

Oh...thanks for doing that for me!!

 

[_Lynn_]

I began to read this even though erotic horror isn't my thing.

However, when I got to the sentence with 123 words--yup, I checked--I stopped. From the first two paragraphs alone, I suggest you find an editor to help you.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think your plot is great and, although I feel there is much more to this story, you have kept to the rules in having a good start, a solid middle and a reasonably surprising conclusion.

Without counting, I'll take MistressL on trust on 123 word sentences. You can't do that in popular fiction. Also, your paragraphs are often too long - seven lines is about the max on a scrolling, backlit screen.

Convention dictates that every new speaker starts a new paragraph. You can continue with a bit of text after a character speaks but never have two dialogue quotes in the same para.

Some of the cleverclogs here will giggle (and be rude), but I believe a good story is like a symphony - within the crescendos and diminuendos, you need the staccatos and. . . Shut up, Elle!

This works in fiction. Your opening dream stuff is dynamic but your choose a gentle style. Too many present participles, adjectives and and adverbs. She is frightened and you need more simple 'subject object verb' phrases to heighten the fear. That makes it more of a contrast when she wakes up to a more relaxed reality.

I think this applies throughout your story. The urgency of the dreams, the comfort of Cleve, the mystery of the silver bracelet - they all need different tempos, constructed by the urgency or not of your writing.

You have an ability to construct a great story. What you need now is to polish your writing skills.

If you need a beta reader before you post your next story, PM me.

I really like your story creation.

 

[LucyDiamonds]

Thanks

Thanks for your repsonses. I know I have some work to do with my writing skills. It's just something that I've wanted to do and have finally done it. I'll see if I can't find an editor to review my stories and hopefully refine my skills a bit more.

 

[gat2drgn]

Just finished reading your story

While I can not comment on your grammar, I liked your storyline. I'm not sure who I was rooting for more the demon, or the witch, Thought maybe she would turn to the dark side. But the story kept my attention to the very end and I enjoyed that as well. I'ts not so much my cup of tea, but again. I liked it.