Forget Soul Mates!

[duppy_conqueror]

Im sorry to fill the world with a melancholic point of view,
But the world has branded my heart with a tattoo,
Of a bare tree frozen in the dead of january,
While the rest flourish in a summer sanctuary.
I know the blood in my veins has turned to ice,
But I think the warmth of your kiss would suffice.
And bring life back to my desolate state.
I am not searching for my soul mate,
For such a quest could steal my devotion,
And get me lost on some ignorant notion,
That someone exists that is perfect,
But it is your imperfections I respect.
Our differences that draw me to you,
Whether we fight or I hear you through.
You and I both know our roads meet,
Running parallel leaves us incomplete.
You and I will crash together in a cool dark night,
And it will feel so right when we break down and flames ignite.
Let's not get lost on false beliefs of a distant perfection,
Because right now we have pure, raw affection.
And we're heading in the only direction.

 

[arielsgoddess]

Fire & Ice by Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great

And would suffice

 

[butters]

positive thinking - by me

in a dark and burning world
where even ice catches fire
where skies peel
and the soil is sour
where howlback oscillates
cindercone to horizon
a shabby soul may yet get clean

at least
that's that i tell myself

 

[poetedge5455]

hi there.

An

Im sorry to fill the world with a melancholic point of view,
But the world has branded my heart with a tattoo,
Of a bare tree frozen in the dead of january,
While the rest flourish in a summer sanctuary.
I know the blood in my veins has turned to ice,
But I think the warmth of your kiss would suffice.
And bring life back to my desolate state.
I am not searching for my soul mate,
For such a quest could steal my devotion,
And get me lost on some ignorant notion,
That someone exists that is perfect,
But it is your imperfections I respect.
Our differences that draw me to you,
Whether we fight or I hear you through.
You and I both know our roads meet,
Running parallel leaves us incomplete.
You and I will crash together in a cool dark night,
And it will feel so right when we break down and flames ignite.
Let's not get lost on false beliefs of a distant perfection,
Because right now we have pure, raw affection.
And we're heading in the only direction.

Forgive me if I am obtrusive in giving you feedback. You didn't explicitly ask for critque, but this poem called to me. Feel free to ignore me. I make these comments from kindred spirit, and from hoping we share a desire to grow as artists and hone our craft. I think this is especially helpful with what I call 'therapy poems' which I feel this is. A way to lance our souls and let some unneded jetsam out.

I never read comments b4 I comment, so you get my first impression, but I did see Chip commented last, and you couldn't be in better hands there. She is thoughtful and incisive and will repect the poet while helping the poem.


Ok. First, overall, I like it. It speaks to my mood right now, and I love the reference to perfection and the illusive trap it sets that you nimbly step over.

I am not a fan of rhyme, so this isn't as objective as I can be. My bias will show. However, I will say. B esides the first two lines, (which - will get to) the beginning of the poem used inventive, non obvious rhyme that worked. I have edited and read so much bad obvious rhyme that I am jaded. My radar goes on high alert when I realize I am reading rhymed verse. It almost got turned off here. Actually most of it is uno trusive, and while it doesn't add to the voice or ideas for me, it doesn't detract either.

January/sanctuary, devotion/notion, respect/perfect. All of these work well. I actually LOVE january sanctuary. Totally unexpected and still relevant. This is what rhyme can be in a creative hand. Truly, if I shut off all my internal flashing lights, all the rhymes work up until 'complete. It is here where you lengthen the meter, and the rhymes are predictable. The extra beats make an experienced reader wait longer for something that they already know is coming. Similar to a b movie ending where the final scene of hero vs villain is dragged out. We all know the hero is going rto win. If nothing new or exciting or inventive happens, we just wish we could fast forward to th credits to make sure we ignore this director's efforts in the future. I AM KIDDING! That was hyperbolic intentionally. I would never judge an artist on one work. I have written and drawn TERRIBLE TERRIBLE things, so I am much more forgiving than that. And this doesn't come close to the bombs I have dropped, on stage! Lol.

Ok. So we spoke of the meter length. I am not sure why you chose to change it two thirds through. Was it just the way it came out? I am not a form person. I hybrid every form I see to my liking, so I am not saying this isn't a ballad, or a widget, or whatever. I just feel the length is awkward, and maybe you were struggling to get thhe idea you wanted AND the rhyme, but again, I am biased.

I really don't like the second line. I am especially disheartened bc I think AS A LINE it is actually quite inventive and a great metaphor. But the clunky way tatoo has the spotlight flung onto it by not only. Being an uncommon metaphor but by being the rhyming end word just shatters
The image for me.

Other than that, I would see if you can find a substitute for 'imperfections' in the perfect/reflect couplet. To much repetition and too many hard CT's there. Flaws would work but you would need a few filler syllables to keep the meter. I will not be so impolite as to rewrite this. Just a suggestion

You ear seems good. For the most part the sounds within the poem are nicely rendered. The first line is wonderful that way. sOrry, melanchOiic. Of. Ah ah ah, is echoing the moan of melancholy. And then wORld and view (ooh) harmonize it nicely, staying close to the pitch of the short o's. Rhe short a in tatoo gets just a little shrill (it is the second highest vowel pitch) b ut not so you mind bc. It is balanced by the other sounds.

If this we're mine (and it isn't so feel free to tell me to f off, ) I would see that the most powerful part of the poem is the sounds and imagery. I do feel that you held back a bit. Safe is death in writing. If you feel like'maybe tht is too stark' or 'maybe I don't want to share that' THOSE ARE THE THINGS YOU MUST WRITE. You don't have to share it with anyone, but it will inform the things you do share.

Speak this out loud and listen to how your voice changes pitch with the different vowels. Oh being lowest, ee being highest. Follow your ear and flollow Those sounds rather than the end rhymes. I think it will serve your idea better.

Hope this helped. Feel free to drop by my poems. I always welcome critique.

j

 

[duppy_conqueror]

No I appreciate the comments and critique. I told chip in a Pm that this was a first draft kind of thing, and I didn't really edit it as much as I would have liked, but I didn't know exactly where to go with it. Ill post something new that will be more... finished?

 

[butters]

ok, just my thoughts to do with as you wish.

Im sorry to fill the world with a melancholic point of view,
But the world has branded my heart with a tattoo,
Of a bare tree frozen in the dead of january,
While the rest flourish in a summer sanctuary.
I know the blood in my veins has turned to ice,
But I think the warmth of your kiss would suffice.
And bring life back to my desolate state.
I am not searching for my soul mate,
For such a quest could steal my devotion,
And get me lost on some ignorant notion,
That someone exists that is perfect,
But it is your imperfections I respect.
Our differences that draw me to you,
Whether we fight or I hear you through.
You and I both know our roads meet,
Running parallel leaves us incomplete.
You and I will crash together in a cool dark night,
And it will feel so right when we break down and flames ignite.
Let's not get lost on false beliefs of a distant perfection,
Because right now we have pure, raw affection.
And we're heading in the only direction.


Ok, so you've opted to use rhyming couplets; some might think this a strange choice to voice such a topic, though I've come across many unusual combinations before. It's all in the execution.

Having said that, I'm getting tripped up time and time again with the rhythm's of speech here. I'm not finding a continuity that couplets almost rely upon to function smoothly. It is something remedied fairly easily by subtle cuts and adjustments of your line-lengths It's possible for you to avoid any restrictions and 'stiffness' that might seem unavoidable when working within a form by clever choice of word-placement and a smoothing out of the metre; either that or forget the adoption of rhyming couplets and use your same rhymes within the lines themselves rather than having them as end-rhymes, working to adjust your line-breaks to form something easier to voice aloud. It's a case of looking at what you have, deciding if it is what you want to say, and then figuring out the best way to say it.

So, as an example, your first lines could read something like this:

I'm loathe to fill the world with my melancholic point of view (8 beats)
But it chose to brand my heart with the outline of a bleak tattoo, (8 beats)
A bare tree frozen solid in the deadened midst of January, (8 beats)
While others flourish greenly in some lushious summer sanctuary. (ditto)

using any choice of beats per line, even varying in a 8/6/8/6 combination etc ... .

Personally, I'd suggest you go for whichever you're most comfortable with. What I do see here is a nice use of contrast throughout: the burning brand of a 'tattoo' in direct contrast with the ice-cold of a bitter winter month; the starkness of the bare-limbed tree juxtaposed with the ripe, healthy foilage representing life; the fear of a cold heart weighed against the hope that another's warm kiss will thaw it, and so on.

Overall this seems a poem more of hope than of misery. And overall, it feels like this is the 'what you need to say' but haven't quite got the 'how to say it' part just right yet.

Punctuation: IF you decide to try and work it as rhyming couplets, then it's quite acceptable, imo, to retain the capitalisation at the start of each new line. However, it's NOT essential, and can look a little dated. Not really a great consideration right now for the piece, though.

Your commas - you are overusing them. In poetry, it's quite alright to often allow the line-breaks to do a lot of the work for you that a comma in prose would achieve, that slight pause. In the more formalised version this might turn out to be, that choice can be made carefully so as not to weigh down the lines - in other words you don't need one at the end of each line, but might still need to use them there as well as mid-line to create a pause where it's required. The best way is to read your work aloud, over and over, pausing where you use the commas and seeing if that actually feels right.

If you go with the end-rhymes and rhyming couplets, it might help to break this up into 4-liner verses even though this isn't something too often used with the r.c's form. I simply think it might help break up the thoughts a little, pace it more for you.

Overall, to be honest, I think you could improve this lots by dropping the whole rhyming concept and going with your gut instinct on what drives this poem - find its heart rather than try to dress it in clothes it feels a little uncomfortable in. You might get the very best from this piece by cutting it back to the essential thoughts behind it, toss rhyme, form, metre and counting beats out the window, relying instead on the stark contrasts and the converging of two separates to finally come together with this 'raw affection'. So why not keep it 'raw'??? You could do this. I can tell.

 

[duppy_conqueror]

Thanks Chip, yeah, it was kind of an older poem, I think I was 17 when I wrote it, and I was still stuck in the "Roses are red, violets are blue" phase. But I will definitely take a lot of that into further consideration. I will wow you guys eventually, just give it time lol.

 

[butters]

Thanks Chip, yeah, it was kind of an older poem, I think I was 17 when I wrote it, and I was still stuck in the "Roses are red, violets are blue" phase. But I will definitely take a lot of that into further consideration. I will wow you guys eventually, just give it time lol.

hey, it's not about wowing any of us here - it's about writing something you get a personal satisfaction from and then, if you want to see if it could be changed in anyway to make you like it even better, posting it here and asking for our thoughts. We only have our opinions, and one will think one thing, someone else another. None of our suggestions may suit your own way of thinking. It's all an exercise to better understand our own work as well as the works of others.

keep writing and enjoy it!

as for it being an old piece, I keep a lot of my old stuff too, and they make me crnge more often than not. I keep them for two reasons: to remind me of how I really HAVE made improvements even though I thought they were the best thing I'd written back then - and WERE - so it keeps my feet firmly on the ground when I write something now and think 'boy, this is the b*ll***s', and secondly because even amongst the dross there were the odd nuggets - phrases worth cannibalising for newer material, thoughts to be reworded t get their best meanings ... that sort of stuff.

We all keep growing as writers, or at least I hope we do

 

[poetedge5455]

hey, it's not about wowing any of us here - it's about writing something you get a personal satisfaction from and then, if you want to see if it could be changed in anyway to make you like it even better, posting it here and asking for our thoughts. We only have our opinions, and one will think one thing, someone else another. None of our suggestions may suit your own way of thinking. It's all an exercise to better understand our own work as well as the works of others.

keep writing and enjoy it!

as for it being an old piece, I keep a lot of my old stuff too, and they make me crnge more often than not. I keep them for two reasons: to remind me of how I really HAVE made improvements even though I thought they were the best thing I'd written back then - and WERE - so it keeps my feet firmly on the ground when I write something now and think 'boy, this is the b*ll***s', and secondly because even amongst the dross there were the odd nuggets - phrases worth cannibalising for newer material, thoughts to be reworded t get their best meanings ... that sort of stuff.

We all keep growing as writers, or at least I hope we do

I have the same feeling when I look at old stuff. The initil. Cringe, then the realization that I don't make those mistakes now (beyond the second ore third draft, anyway :>).

I actually got that reaction from my daughter last year. I stopped drawing for a long time and then picked it back up about 7 yrs ago.. at that time I had a reunion with my sisters. We had lost touch for ten years. I gave my niece a picture of a tiger I drew. (I was very proud of it at the time. My daughter was too young to remember it, but last thanksgivng, we went to my sister' and the tiger was framed in the living room. I give my daughter a painting every birthday, so she is very familiar with my work. She saw the tiger and sais (privately) 'you should draw them another one, because that one is AWFUL. You draw. Much better than that.'

Lmao! She was right, though. I didn't know how to tell my sister and neice, I was embarrased by it. My neice adores it (she took it with her to college this year).

Guess I will have to live with it.