Frenzy

[Serathi]

[Frenzy]

Like lions we tumble with
your fingers like claws
clutching at my back, and
my growl in your ears.

I can hear your heart sing
like a pounding drum as
we thrash, at war
furious and proud.

It comes suddenly;
the breathless vise upon my flesh,
the lilting cries,
the silence as we both collapse.

* * *

Virgin post. Please be gentle. =)

-Sera

 

[arielsgoddess]

GRRRREAT! I love this poem--

Sincerely. Makes me want more. Please do not hesitate to post them-- I think that your work could be very addictive. And welcome!

 

[sharingisloving]

I'm glad that your poem was the first member posting I read. I like the poem because it's short, descriptive and sweet. However, to me, the first two lines don't run smoothly because they are a part of one sentence and by using "like" twice.

I hope that you'll post more of your poems, Sera. Thank you for sharing it with us. ^_^

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hello and welcome. You could leave out the word 'like' altogether.

Lions we tumble
your fingers claws
clutching at my back,
my growl in your ears.

I hear your heart sing
a pounding drum,
we thrash at war
furious and proud.

It comes suddenly;
the breathless vise upon my flesh,
the lilting cries, the silence
we both collapse.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Welcome, Sera
Nice first posting. UnerYourSpell is correct, metaphor is almost always stronger than simile. I think I've only used simile on occasion, when it seemed more appropriate.
Do you plan to submit any poems?

 

[Serathi]

Thanks for the comments. I am most appreciative.

I'm not sure if I will be submitting. I don't think my poems are honestly good enough for anything other than private critique.

 

[butters]

[Frenzy]

Like lions we tumble with
your fingers like claws
clutching at my back, and
my growl in your ears.

I can hear your heart sing
like a pounding drum as
we thrash, at war
furious and proud.

It comes suddenly;
the breathless vise upon my flesh,
the lilting cries,
the silence as we both collapse.

* * *

Virgin post. Please be gentle. =)

-Sera

hey there, Serathi

I agree with the other posters mostly, especially with Under Your Spell's suggested changes which tighten your piece neatly. But I am not convinced dropping that initial 'Like' helps too much and I enjoy the way it rolls off my tongue when used with 'lion' the way you have. If you decide to drop it, then I'd recommend a comma after 'lions' since that's how it reads to me. I'm not a fan of punctuation overmuch in poetry, but it doesn't seem out of place here if that's how you want it to roll.

I'd question your final line here, though. For me, it just doesn't feel as expressive as your previous lines - that is to say it's telling us what's happening, but it lacks the imagination I see before it. I'd even say it's an anti-climax when a rewording of that line might better show the satiated exhaustion and a sense almost of purring.

I look forward to reading more from you, this had a really good vibe.

 

[intel kid]

Good first post. I like your use of "like" it seems choppy without it and I am not about choppy poems, for the most part.

 

[poetedge5455]

Your post drew some of the best critiquers (word? I didn't like critics) on here, so you are in good hands. This was powerful, compact and muscular, like the lioness you used. Here is my edit. I like the sounds. Tumble clutching drum (uh. Uh . Uh) back. Thrash collapse (ah aha ah). Growl pounding proud (ow owo ow!,'ol) echoing in there. Ok I need a cig now. Lol


lions we tumble with
your fingers claws
clutching my back,
my growl in your ears.

I hear your heart sing
a pounding drum
we thrash, at war
furious and proud.

suddenly;
breathless vise upon my flesh,
lilting cries,
silence as we both collapse.

* * *

Virgin post. Please be gentle. =)

-Sera[/QUOTE]

 

[frontfetish]

this was all so romantic, reminds me of the day when we first started on bed..

 

[arielsgoddess]

Challenge

I am tiger to your lion
Moon pale with blue eyes
Stripes forming excalmation marks
As I bound into you

Eyes flashing wildfires
We circle the danger of our lust
Until nature takes us over
Interlocking our bodies

Your sunhot golden skin
Tastes of honey and blood
As you tear fangs into my flesh
Shattering our passion

 

[Serathi]

Thank you all for your feedback! =)

I am most honored. , especially in the face of such a personal response.

=)

 

[arielsgoddess]

No; You must take credit for this, Golden One:

[Fervor] by Serathi

moon pale tigress with
sparkling blue eyes, I am
drawn to your skin, soft
yet tender
my fangs sinking gently
into your neck

you bade me closer as
I draw you close, insistent,
wanting of your scented kiss
sweet as
love upon a bed
of crimson roses

i feel you ripple beneath my grip
passion unfurling between our lips
feeling you quiver between your gasps
soft as
sex so tight
around my flesh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arena

Need not be so gentle
My narcotic lover
I am as addicted to your cries
As to your sighs

Beneath this cloak of fur
My blood quickens
And will not be quieted
As my lust attacks again and again

The night is not as cooling
As it was for us in innocent youth
No sun is needed to heat this jungle
My tongue laps but is not quenched

 

[arielsgoddess]

Very Well Warrior

So you would rather nestle in reeds tonight
But I am too feral for such hiding
The moon does not rule me as much as Mars does
And restlessness knows the lure
Of that to which I wish to become drunken

More than just for love are my heated veins
Darkness strokes me and stokes me
More than the powers of a lover can
I am too warrior to retire in lustful comfort
But do not wish for you to feel rivaled

My tail lashes not indecision but dual desires
As you have seen me dancing in the flames
As I waver momentarily not wanting you to follow
Not because I do not enjoy the challenge
But because I do not my wildfires to burn you

 

[arielsgoddess]

Come back out of the shadows, Serathi.....

Run with me then and we will ride wild
In strides and bounds our coupled pride
To where the desert is not as hot as flesh
Water not as drowning deep as your eyes

Together we will chase the longlegged gazelles
Rule the midnight magic of the emerald jungle
Scattering the confetti of birds with our cries
Of passion in all flavors of the day and night

Let there not be limits to our lovequest then
Even as our hides are scarred by the journey
And our throats grow gravelled from growling
Every lash of our tails will tell the tales of triumph

 

[Abbylicious]

[Frenzy]

Like lions we tumble with
your fingers like claws
clutching at my back, and
my growl in your ears.

I can hear your heart sing
like a pounding drum as
we thrash, at war
furious and proud.

It comes suddenly;
the breathless vise upon my flesh,
the lilting cries,
the silence as we both collapse.

* * *

Virgin post. Please be gentle. =)

-Sera

Hey there! And welcome from another newbie ^^

I have to agree with UnderYourSpell, you use the word 'like' so much in such a short space, but you keep your images so tightly tied to each other that it really isn't needed at all.

If you feel that it is choppy as intel kid mentioned, then there are better ways to smooth that out than using a filler-word like 'like'. Punctuation could be a great asset here. For instance there are a couple of different ways to tinker with the first stanza that would allow you to remove the offending word, and also keep a good rhythm; for instance:

Lions, we tumble;
your fingers as claws
clutching at my back and
my growl in your ears.

or:

Lions; we tumble with
your fingers, claws
clutching at my back, and
my growl in your ears.

It all has to do with timing, as punctuation within a line tells the reader when to pause. Though, I like it either with or without the punctuation.

Punctuation, while not completely required for poetry, is a useful tool when you need to dominate the reader into reading something a particular way. Though, I would suggest keeping your line breaks clear of punctuation for the most part, as a break in line suggests a pause anyway. Unless of course a comma or period there makes you happy. After all, the person that you should be most concerned about liking your poetry should be you.

<3 I really did enjoy reading it!
~Abby

 

[arielsgoddess]

Release Me

This heat rising inside me
Is not from the sun
For the moon has risen coldly
And still I burn and boil

Lover please come for me
Cannot you not hear my call
Deep and pleading roars
The echo and tear apart the night

Frantic cries for your frenzy
Restless panic grows stronger
As your abscence continues
Madness menaces my soul

Run, my lover, run to me
Take from me this flesh
That feels like it is made of fire
Unfurl this cloak of fur from me

Drive into me with love's fury
Be the sword inside my sheath
That has slashed all existence away
To bring me such perfect release

 

[arielsgoddess]

Foray (or should it be Furr-ray? lol)

Eager raspy tongues
Scour silk shoulders, wet lips
Fangs comb grooves between ribs
Nip ridges
Saliva pools in hollows of hips
Scent of sex intoxicating

Sudden pull-back warning
Open claws swatting
Contact
Rapid-strike grasping limbs
Connect
Teeth tethering back of neck
Struggle to twist around and fight

Claws rake ribs, scrape spine
Hips locking over other hips
Driving deep the spear
First shattering scream rages
Flank against flank faster
Necks arched, tails entwined
Wrapping tighter, unable to withdraw

Wildly withstanding, frantic for finale
Rocking, crashing ribs to ribs
Growl shredding between clenched teeth
Rips-out open-mouthed roar in answer

Flashing flesh and bone, rippling surges
Everything within exploding without
Thunderous cries, bodies crashing over
Tumbling together, falling to cool ground
Limbs slide, echoing each other
Slipping into slumber
Replacing piece with peace
One world succumbing to another