Self Promoton CD/TV Story

[Gerilynn69]

I have recently posted another story and would love some feedback on any of my work so far.
My newest story is at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=444267

Thank you for any feedback

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Although I wear the SO's shirts and boxers round the place, I am no expert on the genre, so have never been confident to give my views. But I really liked the 'feel' of your story so here's my two cents for what it's worth. I may be talking rubbish.

First, writerly stuff: you need to edit more or use one of the willing souls here (see forum). Nothing too drastic on grammar but you get confused between plurals and possessives - 'one of the city's' not 'cities' etc.

Also, there are some mistakes that would have been picked up in a more detailed copy edit.

Nuff said. First person is a wonderfully personal POV but is very difficult to handle. It is all to easy to start talking to the readers - which you don't do - but also it can lead to 'what I did on my holidays' syndrome, which you are a bit guilty of.

There is a bit of, "I went to the beach, I had a swim. I went back to the cabin."

I mean, you can drag us more into the action by using the present participle. For example, 'Lowering my eyes to his groin, I gasped at his bulging shorts'.

Your hero/ine is very sympathetic but I wanted more description of feelings and emotions - nervousness and excitement. The lovely contests about costumes are treated a bit dispassionately and I would have liked Gerrilynn to be much more riled - or embarrassed - at losing the 'best dressed male' contest.

You need to use dialogue better. Your's is a tad stilted and there are few conversations - which are fantastic to create mood in erotic situations. I wanted to hear the girls talk and persuade Gerrilynn, her boyfriend being both under her spell and wanting to dominate.

In brief, I think you are doing OK, but would do even better if you included the emotions arising from contacts with the other characters.

You certainly kept me wanting G to get what she wanted. In my eyes, pretty good.

 

[Gerilynn69]

Great Feedback

Thank you that's great feedback.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thank you that's great feedback.

Thanks sincerely for the compliment.

I've now read (and liked) your other stories and a thought struck me that you might be limiting yourself if you stuck only to Gerilynn.

Have you thought about switching to a third party hero/ine and letting some of your fantasies drive your stories? I say it only because I find something in your writing that seems frustrated at the restrictions that real life poses. There is a super Lit series on TS called 'ski bunny' that, for me, is a wonderful fantasy.

Have you read the ' Gnome de Plume' stories here? They are brilliant.

 

[Gerilynn69]

Thanks again

The stories you suggested were great thanks again