Last line fix, please tell me.

[poetedge5455]

This is a silly one. The kind I write every twenty or so. It has a dated politicall reference I would like to change to save it, but our current administration just doesn't have the bite (yet). It is more of a spoken word piece than a page poem,, and I have performed it live. But I think it may live in that shadow realm of being acceptable as both.

Anyway, here goes.


CRUNCHY WORDS

This was supposed to be
a protest poem.

But my prose has gotten soft
I've been the sensitive guy
too long.

I've lost touch with the Bronx
boy who always carried
a blade, and never failed
to draw a line in the sand.

My words have been flying too high
in the abstract and latinate.

I have to tone up my nouns
Pack on some musclar verbs
and add some inches to my margins

No more brie and cabernet phrases
From now on I'm going
to use words you can feel
in your mouth like bacon wrapped hamburgers
words like quench, grunt and clockwork

I'm not surveying the scene
and acquiring information
I'm looking around and getting the facts

No more discussions, conversations and polemics
I'm going to talk, speak, bark and shout

No page-long sentences droning
how I'm melancholy and destitute
I'm going to shred my monogrammed
stationery, and write
"I'm sad and broke"
on a post-it

Any word of three syllables or more
is on the hit list.

I'll keep rubenesque for diplomatic reasons
but statuesque is outta here.
Your tall and thin, sweetie
hey it don't cost me in syllables or rhythm
and the word count nazis can
kiss my ass

My favorite words will be squelch and grommet
just for the sound.
Squelch!

Yeah, grommet might be a prententious
word for such a little item, but my grommet
could kick your fastener's ass any day.

I like those words so much I'm gong to get
two pit bull puppies
and name them Squelch and Grommet

and I won't train them so I'll have to yell
every day

Squelch! did you shit on the rug again?

Grommet, put that down!

no more poems that read like they belong
in ornate victiorian frames.
I'm gonnna write plain brown paper wrapped
poems that will set off metal detectors
and geiger counters
and get my name on the homeland security blacklist

Yeah, I'm going hardcore anglo saxon
gonna trade in my slender greek muse
for a six foot five valkyrie
with shoulders broader than mine

I'm going to tatoo
an exclamation point
on the side of my mouth
and write poems that read like a transcript
of a Tourrete's syndrome episode

This was supposed to be a protest poem,
but I'm not combat ready.

There are still some straggling
metaphors that escaped the
ethnic cleansing.
There's one now!
Get up against the wall!

So until the day when my words
are hard
and lean
all I have to say is
Squelch Bush
Squelch the War
And bring all our fine young
grommets back home.

 

[arielsgoddess]

I love it! It's the reverently irreverent poet protest poem...

I get giddy when people jump on the forum and ACTUALLY POST SOMETHING! Woohoo! Take that peek-a-boo people! Awesome poem--it's like one of those days when you've had too much coffee and you just start riffing away on the keys or scratching furously on the paper--I like the way your poem calls first to "the boy within you", as the answer to your disgruntledness, and then you take the reader on this Wild Boys cry through the woods! Great poem--good energy, good fun.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

no more poems that read like they belong
in ornate victiorian frames.
I'm gonna write plain brown paper wrapped
poems that will set off metal detectors
and geiger counters
and get my name on the homeland security blacklist

I want to read those poems.

Why don't you come hang out in the 007 and write 7 of them?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

There's already a Gromit!

 

[BooMerengue]

Thats the way I write only you do it way better! Sometimes I try using fifty cent words but they end up in the trash. Its when I feel something really strongly that I slam out something some folks might like and I never, never edit!!!

*running from Ange...

 

[WickedEve]

Ha! I see Boo said something about never editing. After reading Crunchy Words, my first thought was to mention editing. lol Lots to love in the poem, though.

No more brie and cabernet phrases
From now on I'm going
to use words you can feel
in your mouth like bacon wrapped hamburgers
words like quench, grunt and clockwork

 

[ishtat]

Squelch "Squelch Bush" ??

 

[ishtat]

Squelch "Squelch Bush" ??

34th line your needs a '

 

[lorencino]

not quite

34th line your needs a '

your also needs an "e" to make "you're"

 

[poetedge5455]

Thanks. L & G's.

Glad people caught the manic ' I have nothing to write so I will write about writing' vibe, lol.

Ariel, thank you that is exactly how I wrote it. I was telling thr truth in the first line. I sat down to rip into Bush and the war but my rage just overloaded my circuits and made me mute, so I took a detour. Glad you took the ride with me. At open mike nights I got that same reaction, but have pulled it out of circulation since Bush is no longer relevant.

Pandora, thanks for the invite. I think I will accept. Although the lines you chose hold me to a standard I aspire to, but may not be able to achieve. :>

UYS. I. Think I am going to like you very much. Love that grommit as well.

Boo. I disagree I do it way better. See my comments on your thread.

Eve. I am intrigued, bc I think you are thinking about it as a page poem. As such, do you think it needs lots of editing. As a spoken word, their is more leeway for 'fat'. I would be interested indetails. I have a few pieces that have doppelgangers in the page poem world that are just a bit different.

Ishtat. I think you are right. One less line would do it good, and there has been ast least one war going on for as long as I have been alive, so the rest would (sadly) remain relevant for the duration.

Lorencino. D'OH!!!!!

 

[BooMerengue]

I know what this place needs. A shootout! Between... drumroll please.


Edgy and ee.

I know I'm right. I know it'll be awesome. Yep.

 

[poetedge5455]

I know what this place needs. A shootout! Between... drumroll please.


Edgy and ee.

I know I'm right. I know it'll be awesome. Yep.

I must warn you that I am a militant pacifist. I will shoot, just not prematurely. :>