Despair

[arielsgoddess]

Your touch lingers
Like tangles of spiderwebs
Every move across the bed
Whispers of madness
Coming from the sheets

Sleeplessly laying in
The shadow of our past
Memories of your voice
Scraping and knocking
Like treebranches on a window
Disturbing during a storm
Ominous in this silence

No heart to be found
Repeating for another
As tension draws lines
Icy and rigid in my spine
Roaring surf of nothingness
As ears strain painfully
For familiar footfalls
That echo here no more

Raspy breaths seek the scents
Of your aura on this pillow
Fingers numb past aching
From wrapping around air
Even dreams are empty husks
But eventually darkness comes
Mercy the only form of love left
For me to hope for tonight

 

[The_Fool]

I like strophes one, two and four a lot. There are some good similes here. I am less drawn to strophe three. It doesn't have the presence the comes through in the other strophes. Rustling sheets on a quite night. The distraction of branches slashing against a window. I like it. I get smelling an aura less. Physical scents linger without getting ethereal.


I like it.

 

[arielsgoddess]

Other reader feedback?--Please.

Every woman I have ever known that has lost someone--especially a male someone--clung with grief to something that had the loved one's unique/own smell. If a lost adult, it was usually a pillow or sweater; for a young child it is usually their pillow or blanket. For men, I usually find they reminisce the woman's or girl's perfume--although these days the wearing of perfume or cologne has become uncommon in certain circles. It seems to be making a comeback though; if not directly, such as bodysprays, then in shampoos, etc.
Is this a reference most people disagree with sharing? Or is it one more limited to women?

 

[Angeline]

I like strophes one, two and four a lot. There are some good similes here. I am less drawn to strophe three. It doesn't have the presence the comes through in the other strophes. Rustling sheets on a quite night. The distraction of branches slashing against a window. I like it. I get smelling an aura less. Physical scents linger without getting ethereal.


I like it.

How do you know? I have a pastrami aura.

 

[The_Fool]

How do you know? I have a pastrami aura.

Everything that I would typically say here, good or bad, would get me in trouble with EE.

FWIW, I love pastrami.

 

[Angeline]

Everything that I would typically say here, good or bad, would get me in trouble with EE.

FWIW, I love pastrami.

You're probably right. And so do I, preferably from a good Jewish deli. There aren't many around anymore. I told ee we should open one is Asheville, but he thinks I'm crazy.

My dad used to take my sister and I to a deli on the lower east side, on second street. The waiters were all incredibly mean.

 

[arielsgoddess]

If 'EE' is Everyone Else--aren't we all here to get into trouble?

Totally on/off subject: When I was in juniorhigh I wsa living on my own and proudly bought myself an expensive black leather coat from the 'cool' mens' boutique in the mall--it was a matter of principle kinda thing. At the end of that year I acquired my first love, and in feminist fashion, HE wore MY jacket while we were together. After several months we broke-up, and like a hissy, he refused to give me back my jacket. Well, the pussyposse (forgive the expression, true ladies of the forum) got it back for me, just as I was having to move (it turns-out its illegal in this state for good, workaholic teenage girls to live on their own, so the State forced me to move-in with my sister the stripper). The leather jacket was sealed-up in storage for six months. When one of my friends pulled it out to help me unpack in a new place, I exclaimed "Mygawd--it still smells like him!" She was horrified, sniffing it and yelling at me, "It smells exactly like Doritos and Irish Spring soap!--You were in love with THAT!!!" --lol-- oh, to be 15 again....

 

[Angeline]

Totally on/off subject: When I was in juniorhigh I wsa living on my own and proudly bought myself an expensive black leather coat from the 'cool' mens' boutique in the mall--it was a matter of principle kinda thing. At the end of that year I acquired my first love, and in feminist fashion, HE wore MY jacket while we were together. After several months we broke-up, and like a hissy, he refused to give me back my jacket. Well, the pussyposse (forgive the expression, true ladies of the forum) got it back for me, just as I was having to move (it turns-out its illegal in this state for good, workaholic teenage girls to live on their own, so the State forced me to move-in with my sister the stripper). The leather jacket was sealed-up in storage for six months. When one of my friends pulled it out to help me unpack in a new place, I exclaimed "Mygawd--it still smells like him!" She was horrified, sniffing it and yelling at me, "It smells exactly like Doritos and Irish Spring soap!--You were in love with THAT!!!" --lol-- oh, to be 15 again....

You have a great poem waiting in that story.

And thank you for your kindness but I'm not one of the true ladies of this forum. I'm trying to think of one. Definitely not the other two moderators lol or Champagne. Pandora? No, not really. UYS? God no! Maybe Wildsweetone, but I'm not so sure about her either. Anyway I'm watching the baseball playoffs so I'm cursing and grabbing my balls at the moment.

 

[The_Fool]

You have a great poem waiting in that story.

And thank you for your kindness but I'm not one of the true ladies of this forum. I'm trying to think of one. Definitely not the other two moderators lol or Champagne. Pandora? No, not really. UYS? God no! Maybe Wildsweetone, but I'm not so sure about her either. Anyway I'm watching the baseball playoffs so I'm cursing and grabbing my balls at the moment.

Liar...no not Liar, you are a liar about not being a true lady.

And leave EE's Balls alone or you will never finish the baseball game without him hitting a homerun.

 

[Angeline]

Liar...no not Liar, you are a liar about not being a true lady.

And leave EE's Balls alone or you will never finish the baseball game without him hitting a homerun.

He got to second base and one of my kids called. Figures.

Thank you for having faith in me as usual.

 

[arielsgoddess]

I thought I was following, then I got lost....

It's hard enough learning PM shorthand at the same time as learning the social mapping of this place, and the etiquettes, etc. of the culture. Now I figured-out that EE was not the shorthand, it's eagleeyez, right? Ok--but then Angeline says she is watching a baseball game...yet you have issue with her grabbing EE's balls, when you seemed to be worrying that he would want to grab yours (in an unfriendly manner) a minute ago--and then Angeline switches to saying that he got to second base.....but if EE is the one that got to second base, what about the game and why were you worried--unless this is all codespeak for some kind of sport RPG--Hmmmm...LOL!!!
You know, I am a terribly mischievious smartass, but I atleast have the mercy to send a PM to the person whose head I'm screwing with & clue them in--LOL! So anyway--Will some readers please give feedback? Or should I just file this one under "Mad Tea Party--Throw Away", and start a new thread to ask for feedback?

 

[Angeline]

It's hard enough learning PM shorthand at the same time as learning the social mapping of this place, and the etiquettes, etc. of the culture. Now I figured-out that EE was not the shorthand, it's eagleeyez, right? Ok--but then Angeline says she is watching a baseball game...yet you have issue with her grabbing EE's balls, when you seemed to be worrying that he would want to grab yours (in an unfriendly manner) a minute ago--and then Angeline switches to saying that he got to second base.....but if EE is the one that got to second base, what about the game and why were you worried--unless this is all codespeak for some kind of sport RPG--Hmmmm...LOL!!!
You know, I am a terribly mischievious smartass, but I atleast have the mercy to send a PM to the person whose head I'm screwing with & clue them in--LOL! So anyway--Will some readers please give feedback? Or should I just file this one under "Mad Tea Party--Throw Away", and start a new thread to ask for feedback?

eagleyez and I are both writers and both write poetry. We met here about six years ago (this month, in fact) and we live together. That's how his balls became part of this conversation (which thrills him no end lol). Well we were watching the baseball playoffs and he did get to second base with me and then my kid did call.

I've known Fooly even longer. And we love each other muchly and love to tease each other. Mostly we just write sonnets and stuff though.

But also there's always something of a mad tea party aspect to all online interaction, you know? That pleases and amuses me.

 

[sereneone4u]

Totally on/off subject: When I was in juniorhigh I wsa living on my own and proudly bought myself an expensive black leather coat from the 'cool' mens' boutique in the mall--it was a matter of principle kinda thing. At the end of that year I acquired my first love, and in feminist fashion, HE wore MY jacket while we were together. After several months we broke-up, and like a hissy, he refused to give me back my jacket. Well, the pussyposse (forgive the expression, true ladies of the forum) got it back for me, just as I was having to move (it turns-out its illegal in this state for good, workaholic teenage girls to live on their own, so the State forced me to move-in with my sister the stripper). The leather jacket was sealed-up in storage for six months. When one of my friends pulled it out to help me unpack in a new place, I exclaimed "Mygawd--it still smells like him!" She was horrified, sniffing it and yelling at me, "It smells exactly like Doritos and Irish Spring soap!--You were in love with THAT!!!" --lol-- oh, to be 15 again....

LOL, I understand, I really do.

I wish I had something of my lover's with his scent on it...

whenever we chat, I usually mention burying my face into his neck or what have you to inhale his scent, warmth and strength....

Loved what you wrote.

 

[arielsgoddess]

Yess!!!!

I hate that stupid poll they have in the forum: Name your favorite part of a man: HIS NECK IS NOT ON THE LIST!!! Erotic ladies and vamp nymphs unite!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You have a great poem waiting in that story.

And thank you for your kindness but I'm not one of the true ladies of this forum. I'm trying to think of one. Definitely not the other two moderators lol or Champagne. Pandora? No, not really. UYS? God no! Maybe Wildsweetone, but I'm not so sure about her either. Anyway I'm watching the baseball playoffs so I'm cursing and grabbing my balls at the moment.

I can do ladylike ... yeah really!

 

[Angeline]

I can do ladylike ... yeah really!

Lol. I was hoping you'd see that.

(I know you can.)

 

[champagne1982]

I refuse to even attempt ladylike mesdames... I think I prefer dignified... yes, that's it
Dignified, even if it's difficult to be dignified while one dog is seated on your lap and the other is chewing at your feet and .. well, I won't even begin to include what's happening on TV.

I'll read your poem Ariel and feed ya back a lil.

 

[Angeline]

I refuse to even attempt ladylike mesdames... I think I prefer dignified... yes, that's it
Dignified, even if it's difficult to be dignified while one dog is seated on your lap and the other is chewing at your feet and .. well, I won't even begin to include what's happening on TV.

I'll read your poem Ariel and feed ya back a lil.

I bet Fooly thinks you're really a lady too, like he does about me. It's a great compliment though I'm not sure what it says about his standards.

 

[arielsgoddess]

Well, if you believe the jist of most of his poetry...

He's into rejection--but I'm working hard to change that

 

[PandoraGlitters]

I liked this:

Whispers of madness
Coming from the sheets

 

[PandoraGlitters]

I can do ladylike ... yeah really!

Oh I know you can, dear. But I have also seen yr boobies. xxx

 

[arielsgoddess]

Pandora! Back in the box for you miss!

Here I thought you really were a lady! I am quite shocked and disillusioned....and wondering just what your avatar does when no one is looking!

 

[champagne1982]

Hi Ariel,

This is a rich and tangible poem that maintains that impression in nearly its entirety. I have some thoughts that would make the read better for me and I offer my words in the spirit of only making your poem better (in my view).

In S1, maybe
Like tangles of spiderwebs cling << primarily for assonance and rhythm.
Then, further on to add internal rhyme >> Spring free of the sheets

In S2, the verb "to lie" is one of the English language's most difficult to conjugate correctly. present - I lie (down); past - I lay (down); future - I will lie (down); present participle - I am lying (down); past participle - I have lain(down); future participle - I will be lying (down).

I think I see where The Fool is coming from in his lukewarm reaction to S3; this part seems to be significantly clichéd in your word choices and imagery. Could you find a way to explain the cold emptiness without using as many tried and true expressions you've chosen here? Maybe, find an empty ice cube tray sitting frosted and forgotten in a freezer or something like that. (Don't forget I could be full of it and you may be quite happy with that strophe as is).

In S4, try to keep each word to absolute neccessity. You want to leave your poem in your readers' minds as "he" left his scent on your bedding; so, be ruthless in editing the superfluous adjectives and nouns out of the poetry. Keep the beauty, the rhythm and those really accurate images; discard the froms and evens and buts; create a punch in the final lines of your verse in order to leave us wanting to read more.

This is a good poem and I hope my thoughts have helped improve it. If you wish to ignore these suggestions please do so. Remember, this is your poem and only you know for certain what you mean to say.

 

[Angeline]

He's into rejection--but I'm working hard to change that

Good. He's a lovely person. Don't tell him I said so.

Here I thought you really were a lady! I am quite shocked and disillusioned....and wondering just what your avatar does when no one is looking!

My avatar plays tenor sax in a dive bar in Kansas City in 1930. Then she slow dances with eagleyz's avatar and we work on our erotic poetry.

Hi Ariel,

This is a rich and tangible poem that maintains that impression in nearly its entirety. I have some thoughts that would make the read better for me and I offer my words in the spirit of only making your poem better (in my view).

In S1, maybe
Like tangles of spiderwebs cling << primarily for assonance and rhythm.
Then, further on to add internal rhyme >> Spring free of the sheets

In S2, the verb "to lie" is one of the English language's most difficult to conjugate correctly. present - I lie (down); past - I lay (down); future - I will lie (down); present participle - I am lying (down); past participle - I have lain(down); future participle - I will be lying (down).

I think I see where The Fool is coming from in his lukewarm reaction to S3; this part seems to be significantly clichéd in your word choices and imagery. Could you find a way to explain the cold emptiness without using as many tried and true expressions you've chosen here? Maybe, find an empty ice cube tray sitting frosted and forgotten in a freezer or something like that. (Don't forget I could be full of it and you may be quite happy with that strophe as is).

In S4, try to keep each word to absolute neccessity. You want to leave your poem in your readers' minds as "he" left his scent on your bedding; so, be ruthless in editing the superfluous adjectives and nouns out of the poetry. Keep the beauty, the rhythm and those really accurate images; discard the froms and evens and buts; create a punch in the final lines of your verse in order to leave us wanting to read more.

This is a good poem and I hope my thoughts have helped improve it. If you wish to ignore these suggestions please do so. Remember, this is your poem and only you know for certain what you mean to say.

You are so good. You're a damn sponge.

 

[arielsgoddess]

REWRITE: Despair

Your touch lingers
Like tangles of spiderwebs
Every move across the bed
Whispers of madness
Hissing from the sheets

Sleeplessly lying in
The shadow of our past
Memories of your voice
Scraping and knocking
Like treebranches on a window
Disturbing during a storm
Ominous in this silence

Roaring surf of nothingness
As ears strain painfully
The air begins crackling like frost
In the iciness of your abscence
My shivers simulate the rocking
Of your form rumbling into bed
The sounds of which were my lullabye
Now just this mocking shudder

Raspy breaths seek the scents
Of your hair seeped into this pillow
Fingers numb past aching
From wrapping around air
Even dreams are empty husks
But eventually darkness comes
Mercy the only form of love left
For me to hope for tonight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Changes in bold: 3 was in need of rewrite--everything that I have posted in the last 30 was written instantly on forum, so is essentially raw, and I don't feel bad about rewrite. I'm one of those 'compelled to create' types--if I think it, but don't do it, my head is cluttered until I do--so I've been just running with it lately, and I'm not displeased with the results across the boards. So in #1, I changed to Hissing because I wanted to give life and add a little menace--plus 'Hissing of the sheets' has a nicer ring--unplain. ThankYou to Homburg for the 'Hissing' inspiration. I didn't change tangle to cling, because I was going for feeling--to be entangled--rather than sound. On #3, I didn't think the 'roaring surf of nothingness' was too cliche, champagne--but you were right about the rest of it. Maybe I'm unique, but when I strain my ears in absolute silence, I hear a whooshing like the inside of a shell--so I thought 'roaring surf...' would be identified with by others; and I couldn't remember it in someone else's work. The other thing I wanted to communicate was the coldness and tension of grief, so I continued the idea of the familiar being amplified or personified with menace. In #4, the Fool was right--aura calls-up the ethereal, and what I wanted was what I said about 3--so I changed it to 'hair seeped into', to clearly convey the scent. Besides that, I intentionally kept the poem gender-open for both roles. Grief is without bias. What does everyone think of the rewrite?