Girlfriend disobeying.

[Crypt_Cypher]

I have a girlfriend, and found out she is very submissive and likes a very dominant man. Hey good for me! But she's disobeying me, being a smart ass, disrespecting me.
When I say she's going to pay for her insolence she laughs in my face and says I won't do shit.

So I need ideas on how to make her respect me, and obey me. I don't have a cane or paddles, or anything really of BDSM descent. But I'm sure I could improvise with some advice.
I'm also not sure what to do, how far to go.
I would like suggestions on what I could do to make her respect me and take my word when I say things. I have yet to do anything so she doesn't think I will. Surprise, surprise
She does know that I am dominant on the other hand, but has no idea what I will do. I like to keep it a secret, make her worry for her actions! She's open that she wants to be dominated, so if you guys could give me ideas I would appreciate it a lot. I think she will too

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I have a girlfriend, and found out she is very submissive and likes a very dominant man. Hey good for me! But she's disobeying me, being a smart ass, disrespecting me.
When I say she's going to pay for her insolence she laughs in my face and says I won't do shit.

So I need ideas on how to make her respect me, and obey me. I don't have a cane or paddles, or anything really of BDSM descent. But I'm sure I could improvise with some advice.
I'm also not sure what to do, how far to go.
I would like suggestions on what I could do to make her respect me and take my word when I say things. I have yet to do anything so she doesn't think I will. Surprise, surprise
She does know that I am dominant on the other hand, but has no idea what I will do. I like to keep it a secret, make her worry for her actions! She's open that she wants to be dominated, so if you guys could give me ideas I would appreciate it a lot. I think she will too

Respect is earned, and you obviously haven't done anything to earn it in her eyes. Therefore, obedience and the rest of the d/s life is beyond the scope of this relationship.

 

[Homburg]

Respect is earned, and you obviously haven't done anything to earn it in her eyes. Therefore, obedience and the rest of the d/s life is beyond the scope of this relationship.

This. And much more succinctly and probably politely stated than I was likely to produce.

 

[00Syd]

Also, not every submissive is obedient in a traditional way. She might enjoy being forced, she might only obey of her own free will to select individuals, etc, etc. Not every dynamic is the same. Her personal brand of submission might not involve instant and unquestioning obedience, it might take a while for her to feel comfortable enough to simply obey without pushing against it. Also, corporal punishment might not be what she needs to respect you. That might not be incentive for her to obey. Explore your unique dynamic together. Don't just do something to here, do something with her. Finding out what works for you both will take time.

 

[graceanne]

I have a girlfriend, and found out she is very submissive

i gotta ask - how do you figure she's submissive if she's not being submissive? is this possibly wishful thinking on your part?

and likes a very dominant man.

you say she likes very dominant men. maybe she's bottom topping trying to get you to be VERY dominant.

 

[Crypt_Cypher]

i gotta ask - how do you figure she's submissive if she's not being submissive? is this possibly wishful thinking on your part?



you say she likes very dominant men. maybe she's bottom topping trying to get you to be VERY dominant.

She's a tough girl, on the outside. She doesn't take crap from anyone She likes a man to take control.
Yes, I do need to be more dominant, and plan on giving her quite the thrill the next time we're together.

I should note, that she acts like this when she knows I'm trying to be dominant. I'm not too good at demanding things or telling/forcing women to do things. At my job I do tell people what to do, even women. But my girlfriend knows I'm not too good at it and becomes obstinate when I try to be dominant with my words. How would I make her stop doing that.

 

[StrayKat]

She's a tough girl, on the outside. She doesn't take crap from anyone, but has told me she is submissive in bed. She like a man to take control.
Yes, I do need to be more dominant, and plan on giving her quite the thrill the next time we're together.

How do you do that with "needing" to be more dominant? I thought either you are or you are not.
I am sorry but you just sound to me like someone who got a chance to get back on her for all the "crap she didnt take from you".

But then what do I know

 

[graceanne]

She's a tough girl, on the outside. She doesn't take crap from anyone She likes a man to take control.
Yes, I do need to be more dominant, and plan on giving her quite the thrill the next time we're together.

I should note, that she acts like this when she knows I'm trying to be dominant. I'm not too good at demanding things or telling/forcing women to do things. At my job I do tell people what to do, even women. But my girlfriend knows I'm not too good at it and becomes obstinate when I try to be dominant with my words. How would I make her stop doing that.

well it gives me quite a thrill when k grabs my arm, twists it behind my back and pushes me face first into the bed to molest me.

 

[BiBunny]

"Trying to be dominant." There's your problem, and she knows it.

 

[WriterDom]

Punishment has to be something she doesn't enjoy. If she's just acting up to get what she wants it makes her the Domme and you the sub.

 

[StrayKat]

If she's just acting up to get what she wants it makes her the Domme and you the sub.

Ha!

I knew I was going to learn something about myself here.
Thank you

 

[VelvetDarkness]

She's trying to goad you into this, which is a dangerous game to play. She knows you're new to this but she's not patient or submissive enough to let you find your feet and experiment at whatever pace you're comfortable with. Sounds to me like she's more of a masochist than a sub because by defying you she's disrespecting your attempts to be dominant and hamstringing you before you've even got started. That's very selfish and unfair of her. Just because you're the guy, doesn't mean you should automatically be able to bust out of your clothes and become the Incredible Dom overnight.

You should turn the tables on her and announce that you're not about to take control of her until she acts like she wants to submit. You should also find a way of disciplining her that she genuinely doesn't like. Trying to beat a maso into obedience is an exercise in futility. She's being disobedient because she wants 'punishment' that she'll enjoy, like a good spanking. It's like trying to punish a bratty child with sweets.

She doesn't think you'll 'do anything?' Why should you have to if she's not being remotely submissive? If you tell her her punishment is to spend an hour sucking your cock or to go clean out the garage she'll laugh in your face, right? That's not submissive, not remotely.

If she just wants her ass tanned you can do that without this pointless charade. If she actually wants to be submissive, which based on what you've said, I doubt, then you have some ground rules to set down. You shouldn't have to be a violent asshole to get what you want, a submissive woman naturally wants to serve you.

I think you have a bratty maso on your hands. If she's willing to prove me wrong, great but submission is about deeds, not words. She's claiming to be sub while acting defiant. Sit her down and ask her what she really wants and what she thinks she's playing at is my advice.

Hopefully, doing so will win you some of this elusive 'respect' she should be showing you. D/s is always a game to one degree or another but you should be making the rules.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I should note, that she acts like this when she knows I'm trying to be dominant. I'm not too good at demanding things or telling/forcing women to do things. At my job I do tell people what to do, even women. But my girlfriend knows I'm not too good at it and becomes obstinate when I try to be dominant with my words. How would I make her stop doing that.

You can't. She has to choose to obey you.

If you're really the dominant here, you should be able to command her with a whisper.

Sounds to me like her previous guy was a an asshole with a deep voice but you should not have to become that guy in order to win her obedience. She should love you and want to serve you exactly as you are. If she wants the thrill of being bellowed at and slapped around, that's just a fantasy. You have no business recreating yourself to fit this woman's notion of a fantasy dom. You'll both be dissatisfied and resentful if you try.

 

[00Syd]

Or it could be that she's submissive but its a quality that just doesn't come out with you.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

She's a tough girl, on the outside. She doesn't take crap from anyone She likes a man to take control.
Yes, [1]I do need to be more dominant, and plan on giving her quite the thrill the next time we're together.

I should note, that she acts like this when she knows [2]I'm trying to be dominant. [3]I'm not too good at demanding things or telling/forcing women to do things. At my job I do tell people what to do, even women. But [4]my girlfriend knows I'm not too good at it and becomes obstinate when I try to be dominant with my words. How would I make her stop doing that?

1. There is a difference between being "dominant" and being "a dominant," just as there is a difference between being dominant and being domineering. In your OP, you said, "She does know that I am dominant," but it seems to me that if this is true (that she "knows" it), you're both laboring under a delusion.
2. "I'm trying to be dominant" means you're not. Full stop. End of statement. A dominant person, or a person who is a dominant, is so because s/he has that as a part of her/his personality. What you're saying here, whether you realize it or not, is that you *want* to be dominant, know that you're not, and are trying to *act* dominant. Doesn't work for more than oh, say, 2.379 seconds for anyone who actually *is* dominant or submissive. Sorry, dude.
3. "I'm not too good at demanding things..." See 2 above.
4. "My girlfriend knows I'm not too good at it and becomes obstinate when I try to be dominant with my words." It's not words, dude. It's attitude, it's personality, it's who you are inside. Therefore, as a submissive, she senses that you are trying to be something you're not, and rebels. "How would I make her stop doing that?" Be something you're not - a dominant.

"Trying to be dominant." There's your problem, and she knows it.

QFT.

Punishment has to be something she doesn't enjoy. If she's just acting up to get what she wants it makes her the Domme and you the sub.

QFT.

.... Sounds to me like she's more of a masochist than a sub because by defying you she's disrespecting your attempts to be dominant and hamstringing you before you've even got started. That's very selfish and unfair of her. Just because you're the guy, doesn't mean you should automatically be able to bust out of your clothes and become the Incredible Dom overnight.

QFT.

You should turn the tables on her and announce that you're not about to take control of her until she acts like she wants to submit. You should also find a way of disciplining her that she genuinely doesn't like. Trying to beat a maso into obedience is an exercise in futility. She's being disobedient because she wants 'punishment' that she'll enjoy, like a good spanking. It's like trying to punish a bratty child with sweets.

This ("turn the tables, etc.") might actually work if he has some level of dominance in his personality. It's worked for Dom/mes I've known.

She doesn't think you'll 'do anything?' Why should you have to if she's not being remotely submissive? If you tell her her punishment is to spend an hour sucking your cock or to go clean out the garage she'll laugh in your face, right? That's not submissive, not remotely.

If she just wants her ass tanned you can do that without this pointless charade. If she actually wants to be submissive, which based on what you've said, I doubt, then you have some ground rules to set down. You shouldn't have to be a violent asshole to get what you want, a submissive woman naturally wants to serve you.

QFT.

I think you have a bratty maso on your hands. If she's willing to prove me wrong, great but submission is about deeds, not words. She's claiming to be sub while acting defiant. Sit her down and ask her what she really wants and what she thinks she's playing at is my advice.

Hopefully, doing so will win you some of this elusive 'respect' she should be showing you. D/s is always a game to one degree or another but you should be making the rules.

He should be setting the rules, within the limits negotiated and agreed upon by the two of them.

If you're really the dominant here, you should be able to command her with a whisper.

Oh, YES! VD, I think I you!

(Sorry this got so long, but I was away from Lit for a few hours and the thread grew!)

Or it could be that she's submissive but it's a quality that just doesn't come out with you.

This, too.

 

[justagirlinzh]

She's a tough girl, on the outside. She doesn't take crap from anyone She likes a man to take control.
Yes, I do need to be more dominant, and plan on giving her quite the thrill the next time we're together.

I should note, that she acts like this when she knows I'm trying to be dominant. I'm not too good at demanding things or telling/forcing women to do things. At my job I do tell people what to do, even women. But my girlfriend knows I'm not too good at it and becomes obstinate when I try to be dominant with my words. How would I make her stop doing that.

There's the problem. My opinion is that she knows you're trying to be someone you're not.

 

[gloriann]

You may have to come to terms with the fact that you're not a natural Dom.

 

[ZRT]

Make her go cut you a hickory stick (no larger than your thumb in diameter).

Hickory is very important. If she has to walk a long ways to do it, take away her shoes to rub in just how in control you are.

If she balks, stick her head in the toilet and flush it a few times. That one's never failed for me.

 

[bruisedangel]

Sir Winston put everything together perfectly.

Not everyone is dominant. Not everyone is submissive. I couldn't go about telling you anything about being dominant, or a dom. I can tell you, however, that if she's truly submissive, and you're NOT a dom, she knows it. And topping from the bottom never works for long in a relationship.

 

[thatgirl2136]

I should note, that she acts like this when she knows I'm trying to be dominant.

Key word here is 'trying'....she sounds like she is trying to get you to stop trying and just act on it...she's pushing little by little to get you to actually do something that would be in your words considered 'very dominant'
I sorta think she's pushing out your dominant side by saying those things like "you won't do shit."
It's like kids on a playground when someone says they'll beat the other kid up if they don't give them their lunch money and the other kid taunts the 'Dominant' one by pushing him to his limits by saying something like "yeah right you don't have the guts to do anything to me."
they're pushing for a reaction....

but on the other hand other posters have noted that you haven't earned her respect and that must be done above all other things...you must have her respect and trust before she will obey you.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

He should be setting the rules, within the limits negotiated and agreed upon by the two of them.

Well yeah, I wasn't about to suggest he threw all notion of agreed consent out the window and battered the bitch into minding her manners.

Ok, me again with another mini-lecture but seriously dude, it's because I think you're in an impossible situation and I feel for you.

Dominance 101

Crypt_Cypher, dominance should be about you getting what you want first and her getting what she wants second. By insisting she gets what she wants first, before she starts acting like a submissve, she's turning this whole thing on its head. She's probably not aware of all this but then, BDSM is only ever defined by the people engaging in it.

Do you know what you want as a dominant? What changes she could make to be a better partner for you? What services she could start doing as a matter of course e.g. chores or whatever? If you go into this without a clear idea of what you want to get out of it, you'll never have a clear enough agenda to get and maintain the upper hand. Trying to act more macho is just not the same as wanting to dominate and control another person. A ringmaster doesn't get a lion on his knees and then shrug his shoulders and say 'now what?' he has a whole bunch of hoops for the lion to jump through, to keep him on his toes and too distracted to bite the guy's head off. You could even sit down and make a list of objectives, e.g...

• To be woken with morning coffee.
• To have an ironed shirt ready to wear.
• To have your lunch for work ready prepared.
• For her to wear only thong panties or only feminine clothes.
• etc etc etc...

Once you know what you want, there have to be consequences when you don't get it. Some effective tools include.

• Standing in the corner.
• Withdrawal of contact/ignoring her.
• Orgasm ban.
• Cancellation of a treat, e.g. movie trip or date night.
• ... you get the picture.

Once the rules have been laid down and she has agreed to abide by them, it becomes cause and effect and things should then gain momentum and establish themselves naturally - provided you stick to your guns. Obviously, there should also be incentives for good behaviour/service.

Only you can say whether you genuinely want to be dominant or are just trying it on for size to please her. If dominance and sadism don't get you hard then this will never become a lifestyle for you both rather than a bedroom only thing. If that's the case, you should make that clear so that she can accept it rather than push for more. If you're only 'dominant' to please her, then you're actually in a position of service and the whole dynamic flounders as a result.

Of course, not everybody needs such detailed lists and ground rules but if you lack confidence and experience, it could help you fake it till you make it and feel more comfortable in authority over her.

 

[YourCaptor]

Sounds like you have a serious brat on your hands, I hope you have lots of patients, if not just move on now.

Other then that, here are some tips.

Don't demanding anything, just do. As in don’t be diplomatic about it, simply put the task in her hands and walk way (figuratively).

I'm thinking she's an attention whore, so if she keeps giving you sass try what Velvet recommended. Tie her to a chair and place her facing a dull corner with no contact for a few hours. Bore her out of her mind when bad, reward her when good.

 

[subish2009]

I don't know. Does this behavior HAVE to necessarily mean she's not a "real" submissive, as I think some people are suggesting? I consider myself submissive, but I tend to be a little bratty in order to push for consequences, which I think many of you call topping from the bottom, but it works for me in my D/s relationships. For us, it's just part of the game...when I'm pushed to a certain point of arousal through being dominated, the brattiness disappears completely and I become VERY submissive. The brattiness, for me, is almost like a guard I have up that masks my true submissive nature. And what I'm calling brattiness is really just banter between me and my partner that we both enjoy very much. It's just how we play. The "bratty" behavior is just verbal sparring that "baits" my partner to "punish" me by teasing me to the point that I completely and utterly submit. We both enjoy all aspects of this and I don't think it makes him any less dominant or me any less submissive. It's just a different dynamic.

Now, the crux of this is that this works for my relationships; it may not work for yours. All parties involved are happy with the setup I have; presumably, you're unhappy with what you have going on, or you wouldn't be asking for help. I guess I'm just trying to give you another point-of-view from which to approach this and a glimpse at another kind of sub that I don't see represented here often. Could your girl be coming at your dynamic from somewhere like this?

Hope my rambling is of some help. Good luck.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Well yeah, I wasn't about to suggest he threw all notion of agreed consent out the window and battered the bitch into minding her manners.

*I* knew you weren't suggesting that, but wanted to make sure *he* knew you weren't suggesting it.

 

[00Syd]

I don't know. Does this behavior HAVE to necessarily mean she's not a "real" submissive, as I think some people are suggesting? I consider myself submissive, but I tend to be a little bratty in order to push for consequences, which I think many of you call topping from the bottom, but it works for me in my D/s relationships. For us, it's just part of the game...when I'm pushed to a certain point of arousal through being dominated, the brattiness disappears completely and I become VERY submissive. The brattiness, for me, is almost like a guard I have up that masks my true submissive nature. And what I'm calling brattiness is really just banter between me and my partner that we both enjoy very much. It's just how we play. The "bratty" behavior is just verbal sparring that "baits" my partner to "punish" me by teasing me to the point that I completely and utterly submit. We both enjoy all aspects of this and I don't think it makes him any less dominant or me any less submissive. It's just a different dynamic.

I agree with you. It bothers me when brats are looked at like they aren't really submissive, or like their attitude has no redeeming features, or like, "it seems like she's a brat and not really submissive, why even bother with her?" Often "brats" are talked about like they couldn't possibly, actually be submissive when really they are just a different brand of submission than the obeying, servicing kind, and, as you say, work within a different dynamic. Not every submissive wants to serve, some people's submission takes a different flavor, and that absolutely does not mean that they are simply a masochist in disguise.

I've been described as being a brat by a few people including my boyfriend because I like to push back, I like to run away, I like to struggle against my bonds and be forced to suck his cock, rather than do it because OMG his cock is amazing and I just can't wait to get on that. Luckily enough, my bf likes brats. And you know what that means? It means that our dynamic is one that includes struggling and pushing rather than instant obeying. Its just different. My submission is more pet-like. I'm fickle, I like to be coaxed, pushed, pulled, but I'm also very eager and I want my person to be happy more than anything.

So. Yeah. I guess that maybe we need a "brat" thread the way we needed a "Doormat" thread. It really bothers me when I see it suggested that my dynamic must mean that I'm not really submissive, or actually masochistic, especially since I'm hardly masochistic at all!

But we've talked about this before. Like everything else. No need to re-hash it I guess.