Would it be possible...

[Aeradalia]

To have someone take a look at what I've written and offer a few suggestions? I feel like I'm missing something in regards to fluidity (never mind the usual punctual and grammatical errors). I have a few pages, but feel hesitant to continue because of this nagging feeling.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Epmd607]

To have someone take a look at what I've written and offer a few suggestions? I feel like I'm missing something in regards to fluidity (never mind the usual punctual and grammatical errors). I have a few pages, but feel hesitant to continue because of this nagging feeling.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

If you've only got a couple pages, might as well post them here. If someone likes what you're writing they'll probably contact you, if not, you'll still probably get some real feedback.

 

[Aeradalia]

This is what I have so far...

http://www.youshare.com/Guest/a57078/DisplaySimple

(Click where it says "no preview available")

 

[JJ34]

This is what I have so far...

http://www.youshare.com/Guest/a57078/DisplaySimple

(Click where it says "no preview available")

Aeradalia,

Must agree with you about a lack of fluidity. Spend more time on the introduction of your characters. Give the reader a greater sense of direction of the story. Monkeys do not always play on the ground. They should have tree limbs to swing from and trees to play in. Poor analogy but am trying to point out that you need more body in your story. Have the feeling that you are a good writer, so bring it on.

JJ34

 

[York]

There's some pretty good prose in there to my mind. I think your suspicions of lack of fluidity is right. For example, the paragraph that starts "Smack" seems to appear from nowhere. It's like little bits of the story are missing I think.

The start seems a bit abrupt as well.

Do get an editor to look at it before you submit it, there's the odd thing that won't show up on a spell check, but is the wrong word for that particular sentence.

Much better effort that a lot of the rubbish that gets put up already though.

 

[driphoney]

This would be a good story to put over on the story feedback forum. You might get more opinions as it's really a pretty good story.

As for getting an editor. That's always good, but sometimes you don't get what you want from a volunteer editor. Often you get grammar/spelling/punctuation, when what you really want is precisely what you are asking for in this thead: Does it flow? Does it arc?
Does it make story sense? Is it believable? Also, I could be wrong, and they can speak for themselves, but I get the impression that most editors tend to want your final draft.

Of course, once you find that perfect editor, an angelic chorus bursts forth with song, the clouds part and sunlight streams down on your world! It's almost as good as sex! (But not quite.)

Anyway, check out the story feedback forum and the story discussion forum.

By the way, I like your intro. I like to be dropped into a scene, but by about the fourth or fifth paragraph exactly what is going on needs to be spelled out. I never got what he had done that set her off. The dialogue was fantastic, the emotion came through vividly. If this story were on Lit, and were fleshed out, I would probably read it.

Good luck.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Your link got me nowhere but to an unfamiliar home page.

 

[Aeradalia]

I have added two more pages just to finish out the ideas I had for the beginning of the story.

Once I have a better understanding of what I need to do, I will go make the necessary revisions so the story will be more precise and the reader won't be nearly so confused.



AsylumSeeker try this link. It should be more direct.

http://www.youshare.com/Guest/425d3269fd95501d.rtf.html

 

[AsylumSeeker]

I have added two more pages just to finish out the ideas I had for the beginning of the story.

Once I have a better understanding of what I need to do, I will go make the necessary revisions so the story will be more precise and the reader won't be nearly so confused.



AsylumSeeker try this link. It should be more direct.

http://www.youshare.com/Guest/425d3269fd95501d.rtf.html

It did work, although slowly. You appear to possess a good vocabulary and good writing skills, although there are some corrections needed.

I have finished those on my plate, I can edit if you wish. Or not, that's okay too. PM me though if interested, I'd prefer you sent me the file in the format of your choice.