Another new author wanting feedback

[LesGermane]

Fresh from the laptop of the brand new frustrated writer Les Germane. I'd enjoy hearing your thoughts on my short submission.

Author: LesGermane
Title: Close to the Phone
Category: Gay
Tags: cuckold, blackmail, humiliation, swinging, gay first time, gay blowjob

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=438640

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Fresh from the laptop of the brand new frustrated writer Les Germane. I'd enjoy hearing your thoughts on my short submission.

Author: LesGermane
Title: Close to the Phone
Category: Gay
Tags: cuckold, blackmail, humiliation, swinging, gay first time, gay blowjob

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=438640

Well... first off, I rarely read gay male stories. But here goes...
The first thing I notice is this is less a story than a fuck scene from a story. All stories have a beginning, a middle and an end. This story has no beginning. Furthermore, it lacks enough character development to make me give even the least rats ass about these characters.

Tony opened the door wearing a faded tank top. and nylon gym shorts. He towered over my 5'6" body. His shoulders were broad; his arms were muscular. He had a full head of wavy blonde hair like a surfer god. He was a little red from the sun and had a day's growth of beard on his strong chin.

This is discription, not character development. I want to know WHO Tony is, not what he looks like.

Also, your discription of the story includes blackmail. (It's here -> "Let me put it this way. Do you want me to keep fucking your wife?") That leaves more questions that answers. One sentence with a single vailed threat does not make for a blackmail story.

Then we come to motivation. You wrote -

"Your wife's mouth has been on that cock, Jimmy. She loves to suck it. She begs me to let her suck it."

My breathing got a little more shallow and I could feel his words turning me on.

In my opinion this is just wrong. Why in hell would you be turned on by the idea that you are sucking the same cock your wife sucked? Not only that, but why are you sucking it? Shouldn't you be strangling Tony for screwing your wife? I have some believability issues with your story.

 

[driphoney]

Welcome to the warm, gentle waters of Literotica!

 

[LesGermane]

Welcome to the warm, gentle waters of Literotica!

Hey, I asked.

Thanks, Jenny. I knew the characters were going to be flat, given that I made it a "short short". I guess I have had those two characters in my mind for so long that I forget that the reader doesn't know them like I do. I will take that under advisement if/when I do a revision.

I'm a little at a loss about the motivation and believability issue. Do you find cuckold stories as a subgenre difficult to believe? Or just this one?

Les

 

[driphoney]

Hey, I asked.

Thanks, Jenny. I knew the characters were going to be flat, given that I made it a "short short". I guess I have had those two characters in my mind for so long that I forget that the reader doesn't know them like I do. I will take that under advisement if/when I do a revision.

I'm a little at a loss about the motivation and believability issue. Do you find cuckold stories as a subgenre difficult to believe? Or just this one?

Les

Well, in that case ... let me go read it and get right back with ya on what I really think! I'm weird. I actually like gay male stories (I guess like men like lesbian stories?) Uh. Don't know about all that other stuff though!

 

[driphoney]

All right. I read it.

I liked how you jumped right in and didn't waste a lot of time with lead up. I figured these folks out as we went along. But that's just me, I guess. I like some action right away. I also have absolutely no problem with scenes, either. I always think of short strokers as scenes. Word porn, and sometimes ya just gotta have some word porn.

I, too, struggle with how to get physical description into a story, and these were awkward and flat. I think you probably could have tucked these descriptions around dialogue. Like I've said, I'm new at this, too, so still learning:

Tony opened the door wearing a faded tank top. and nylon gym shorts. He towered over my 5'6" body. His shoulders were broad; his arms were muscular. He had a full head of wavy blonde hair like a surfer god. He was a little red from the sun and had a day's growth of beard on his strong chin. I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with him, so I looked past him at the sparsely furnished living room. Tan carpet, tan walls, tan sofa, tan chair and ottoman. A nondescript coffee table with sports magazines and a couple of empty diet soda cans.

Now I could see a prefab computer desk, the kind you put together yourself. His computer was on and the AOL connect screen was up. A box of 3.5 diskettes was spilled over on the shelf above the monitor. On the wall opposite me was a television on a milk crate. A cable box on top of it was half covered by an HBO guide.

Now, I like to have a feel for a place and, for some reason, I really liked this sentence fragment: "Tan carpet, tan walls, tan sofa, tan chair and ottoman" and the surrounding description. I didn't, however, need to know all the computer details, the tv and the cable box replete with HBO guide.

There was an idea that left me hanging, feeling like something important wasn't clarified, but maybe it's because I don't understand the genre. Why does the idea of his wife being with another, well-endowed, man turn him on? I thought you did a great job of getting across his escalation of heat as the scene went on.

I thought you did a great job of bringing in all the senses, and of creating a fairly sympathetic character, and a character I truly didn't like. I think Tony made a great nasty. He's truly selfish and unlikeable, then with his bland apartment that shows he's a shallow jerk.

I thought you did a very good job, especially for a first story/scene. Will I be running to read another wimp boy story? Probably not!

Good luck.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Hey, I asked.

I'm a little at a loss about the motivation and believability issue. Do you find cuckold stories as a subgenre difficult to believe? Or just this one?

Les

The problem with believability is that your characters need to act and feel like real people. If some guy was forcing you to suck his cock after he fucked your wife would you really get turned on or would you bite his dick off? I have a problem with that in this story. The trick is to make unbelievable actions seem believable. That's what is really happening in Sci-Fi. The writers in that genre who do it well pull the reader into their alternate universe and make their characters act "real" in unreal situations.

As far a cuckold stories, I have no problem with them. But this really isn't a cuckold story. This is your unbelievable fantisy story, or possibly a swinger story or something. I found it quite confused because you tried to make it too many things and because of that it fails. You need to concentrate on ONE thing. You only have 5-8000 words to make your story plot, flesh out your characters, set the scenes and create the action.

In this story you have, cuckold, Gay Sex, Blackmail, First Time Gay and so on. You really needed about 20,000 words to do justice.

 

[LesGermane]

Thanks for your comments, Jenny. I will keep them in mind in the future.

 

[LesGermane]

driphoney,

Thanks for your comments. You gave me several things to build on. I appreciate that.

I agree about the description being awkward. It sounds almost like I was talking to a 911 dispatcher.

Les

 

[exiledmaster]

Well... first off, I rarely read gay male stories. But here goes...
The first thing I notice is this is less a story than a fuck scene from a story. All stories have a beginning, a middle and an end. This story has no beginning. Furthermore, it lacks enough character development to make me give even the least rats ass about these characters.

But maybe your lack of empathy with the characters springs from the fact that you odn't believe the central premise, that a man can be blackmailed / led into gay sex he wouldn't have otherwise considered.

This is discription, not character development. I want to know WHO Tony is, not what he looks like.

The problem I have with the descriptions is that they're telling, not showing. If I kno that you have to look up to him physically I don't need to be told that he 'towered' over you. If you're telling me that you had to put your head back you can mayb tell me something about feeling vulnerable as well - which you;d need to be feeling if you're going to let this guy dominate you...

Also, your discription of the story includes blackmail. (It's here -> "Let me put it this way. Do you want me to keep fucking your wife?") That leaves more questions that answers. One sentence with a single vailed threat does not make for a blackmail story.

Yup, more character development needed, but also maybe you need to think that people do things they only understand after they've done them - we live life forwards but understand it backwards. So unanswered questions are OK s long as they're resolved by the end of the piece, or a sequel is flagged up that will resolve them.

Then we come to motivation. You wrote -

In my opinion this is just wrong. Why in hell would you be turned on by the idea that you are sucking the same cock your wife sucked? Not only that, but why are you sucking it? Shouldn't you be strangling Tony for screwing your wife? I have some believability issues with your story.

I have less believability issues, but the lack o complexity makes me think this is written from the head, not from experience...