Consensual and Emotion

[thatgirl2136]

I hope I am asking this in the right manner.
I am highly interested in the BDSM world and was introduced to it by a man I met online almost a year ago. I am submissive. We have never met and we are not completely committed for various reasons. Which is why I am here, I have a few questions.

From everything I have read and know I believe that in a D/s relationship everything needs to be consensual, but this man does not understand that. Now I have nothing against anyone who is interested in this it is just not something I can get myself to do. He is constantly wanting a infantality scene or for me to discontinue being sub and change to Dom and when I say no it turns into a fight because I'm 'not open minded enough' to what he wants. I don't think I'm in the wrong for standing my ground, but is there a way to help him understand that even if I do give in it will not be what he expects because I cannot completely be in the mind set?
As a female I cannot imagine having sex with my own newborn child....and my comfort is sub not Dom.


And finally...again I believe a D/s relationship is as physical as it is emotional.
Would that be correct? or am I completely missing something...
See I cannot get emotion from him, not even in an argument, therefore I never know what he is actually thinking or if something is good/bad. It's tearing us apart and I'm becoming exhausted with 1 and 2 word replies to almost everything. So, I guess my question here would be; is it normal for a Dom to show little to no emotion to their sub?

I hope these questions are not too 'elementary', but being fairly inexperienced in this world I needed to ask.

Thank you for your time.

 

[loneranger8921]

Personally the BD/SM life is a personal thing, and if you are not into it then you should not be forced into it. It is a mental decision nothing you should be forced to make. Tell your friend to find a person who wants to be a sub there are women and men out there always looking for a playmate at least that is my experiance.

 

[thatgirl2136]

Personally the BD/SM life is a personal thing, and if you are not into it then you should not be forced into it. It is a mental decision nothing you should be forced to make. Tell your friend to find a person who wants to be a sub there are women and men out there always looking for a playmate at least that is my experiance.

Yes, I agree. I have asked if he could find someone who does want to try these couple things, but he says no everytime because he wants it with me.

Now please don't get me wrong, I am completely infatuated with being a sub, there are just those few things I cannot let myself do.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I hope I am asking this in the right manner.
I am highly interested in the BDSM world and was introduced to it by a man I met online almost a year ago. I am submissive. We have never met and we are not completely committed for various reasons. Which is why I am here, I have a few questions.

From everything I have read and know I believe that in a D/s relationship everything needs to be consensual, but this man does not understand that. Now I have nothing against anyone who is interested in this it is just not something I can get myself to do. He is constantly wanting a infantality scene or for me to discontinue being sub and change to Dom and when I say no it turns into a fight because I'm 'not open minded enough' to what he wants. I don't think I'm in the wrong for standing my ground, but is there a way to help him understand that even if I do give in it will not be what he expects because I cannot completely be in the mind set?
As a female I cannot imagine having sex with my own newborn child....and my comfort is sub not Dom.


And finally...again I believe a D/s relationship is as physical as it is emotional.
Would that be correct? or am I completely missing something...
See I cannot get emotion from him, not even in an argument, therefore I never know what he is actually thinking or if something is good/bad. It's tearing us apart and I'm becoming exhausted with 1 and 2 word replies to almost everything. So, I guess my question here would be; is it normal for a Dom to show little to no emotion to their sub?

I hope these questions are not too 'elementary', but being fairly inexperienced in this world I needed to ask.

Thank you for your time.

The things highlighted in red in your OP lead me to think in one direction only: wannabe. Him, not you.

 

[thatgirl2136]

The things highlighted in red in your OP lead me to think in one direction only: wannabe. Him, not you.

i have truthfully thought the same thing.

 

[Feral_Intelligence]

I am guessing that there is a lot being left out and that we are only getting things from your perspective, so I will not comment much on your Dom. However, I will say that you have the right to state that you are not interested in something. While a good Dom will push your limits and try to open your mind, hew will also be respectful of what it is that you want and do not want.

 

[thatgirl2136]

I am guessing that there is a lot being left out and that we are only getting things from your perspective, so I will not comment much on your Dom. However, I will say that you have the right to state that you are not interested in something. While a good Dom will push your limits and try to open your mind, hew will also be respectful of what it is that you want and do not want.

Yes, I agree it really is just my side and you would have to talk to him.
What might help a little from his side is that he started as a sub to his Mistress but she left him and he was hurt pretty bad and decided he would change to Dom so that it would not happen to him again...but I think because of it he is even keeping out his sub?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Yes, I agree it really is just my side and you would have to talk to him.
What might help a little from his side is that he started as a sub to his Mistress but she left him and he was hurt pretty bad and decided he would change to Dom so that it would not happen to him again...but I think because of it he is even keeping out his sub?

What the ever-bloody-loving FUCK???

One does not "decide" to be Dom, sub, or switch. Sorry. It's hardwired.

That's like "deciding" to be black, or asian, or Martian.

ETA: He could decide to be a Top, or bottom, or switch between the two, however. But not Dominant, or submissive, or D/s switch.

 

[Feral_Intelligence]

Yes, I agree it really is just my side and you would have to talk to him.
What might help a little from his side is that he started as a sub to his Mistress but she left him and he was hurt pretty bad and decided he would change to Dom so that it would not happen to him again...but I think because of it he is even keeping out his sub?

That may well be the case. In the end, it is on him to deal with those issues. He needs to learn to open up to his sub and be able to listen to her. If he cannot do that, then he will never be able to be a good Dom, at least beyond sexual play. You can try and help him with this, but he is the one that has to make the choice. If he cannot do this, and because of it cannot satisfy you, then you owe it to yourself to find a Dom that can better meet your needs.

 

[thatgirl2136]

What the ever-bloody-loving FUCK???

One does not "decide" to be Dom, sub, or switch. Sorry. It's hardwired.

That's like "deciding" to be black, or asian, or Martian.

ETA: He could decide to be a Top, or bottom, or switch between the two, however. But not Dominant, or submissive, or D/s switch.

See I thought that same thing that you can't truly switch and it shows more and more when he tells me to be Dom.
yet he still refers to me as his slave....

I'm beginning to think this is almost hopeless

 

[Feral_Intelligence]

See I thought that same thing that you can't truly switch and it shows more and more when he tells me to be Dom.
yet he still refers to me as his slave....

I'm beginning to think this is almost hopeless

Again, I think this is something where the rest of us know to little to judge. How it is he came to see himself as a Dom is likely a complicated issue. We are what we say we are. In the end, a Dom is only a Dom because he declares it and someone else believes it. If he started out as a sub, then it is likely that he still has the tendencies and desires. It is more likely that he is a switch that just a Dom. When he finds his back against a wall, he is probably asking you to be a Domme as away for him to get back to a place that is comfortable and familiar. However, it could also be a form of ultimatum or that he hopes that if you play the Dom role for a bit then he will get an idea of what you want by seeing the choices you make.

 

[thatgirl2136]

That may well be the case. In the end, it is on him to deal with those issues. He needs to learn to open up to his sub and be able to listen to her. If he cannot do that, then he will never be able to be a good Dom, at least beyond sexual play. You can try and help him with this, but he is the one that has to make the choice. If he cannot do this, and because of it cannot satisfy you, then you owe it to yourself to find a Dom that can better meet your needs.

I agree with every word you said here. There is the same emotion both with everyday talk and sexual play...which is about none.

I will try talking to him some more, but if I can't get anything more then I think I'm done.

I'm just feeling destroyed trying to make it work

 

[thatgirl2136]

Again, I think this is something where the rest of us know to little to judge. How it is he came to see himself as a Dom is likely a complicated issue. We are what we say we are. In the end, a Dom is only a Dom because he declares it and someone else believes it. If he started out as a sub, then it is likely that he still has the tendencies and desires. It is more likely that he is a switch that just a Dom. When he finds his back against a wall, he is probably asking you to be a Domme as away for him to get back to a place that is comfortable and familiar. However, it could also be a form of ultimatum or that he hopes that if you play the Dom role for a bit then he will get an idea of what you want by seeing the choices you make.

I think that's it...that he's looking for the comfort he had. As much as I want to truly please him. That is not my mindset. I have tried switching roles and it failed within a couple minutes. Though, the infantality thing I cannot even attempt which really starts chaos.

 

[SimonBrooke]

And finally...again I believe a D/s relationship is as physical as it is emotional.
Would that be correct? or am I completely missing something...
See I cannot get emotion from him, not even in an argument, therefore I never know what he is actually thinking or if something is good/bad. It's tearing us apart and I'm becoming exhausted with 1 and 2 word replies to almost everything. So, I guess my question here would be; is it normal for a Dom to show little to no emotion to their sub?

I'm responding to this part of the question because no-one else has particularly; on the whole I agree with most of what everyone is saying.

There are times when as a PYL I pretend to have no emotion. There are times when I pretend to be hard and uncaring. Partners I have had have very much got off on that pretence. But no, if someone is really emotionally blocked they are not going to be a good or a safe dom. If someone does not care for and cherish you, they are unlikely to put your safety first. And you cannot and should not trust them to.

Obviously I don't know this guy and only have what you say to go on, but I don't think you should take this relationship into real life; I don't think you should get physical with him. Being a PYL takes self confidence and self discipline; a certain amount of inner strength. You are responsible for your partner's physical and emotional safety, while she trusts you to take her to places which satisfy her need to experience risk, fear, humiliation and/or pain. And, inevitably, at the times she is most at real risk, you are likely to be most turned on yourself - and you still have to keep her safe. So if you are a sub, don't get involved in a physical relationship with someone who is not mature, thoughtful, self-aware and confident.

One does not "decide" to be Dom, sub, or switch. Sorry. It's hardwired.

That's like "deciding" to be black, or asian, or Martian.

I strongly agree with this.

I'm beginning to think this is almost hopeless

As an online friendship it may be fine but I really don't think you should take it into real life - he sounds as if he has too many issues.

I think that's it...that he's looking for the comfort he had. As much as I want to truly please him. That is not my mindset. I have tried switching roles and it failed within a couple minutes. Though, the infantality thing I cannot even attempt which really starts chaos.

Just as he cannot be what he is not to please you, you cannot be what you are not to please him. If either of you tries, it will not work. Find someone who is compatible with what you need.

 

[thatgirl2136]

I'm responding to this part of the question because no-one else has particularly; on the whole I agree with most of what everyone is saying.

There are times when as a PYL I pretend to have no emotion. There are times when I pretend to be hard and uncaring. Partners I have had have very much got off on that pretence. But no, if someone is really emotionally blocked they are not going to be a good or a safe dom. If someone does not care for and cherish you, they are unlikely to put your safety first. And you cannot and should not trust them to.

Obviously I don't know this guy and only have what you say to go on, but I don't think you should take this relationship into real life; I don't think you should get physical with him. Being a PYL takes self confidence and self discipline; a certain amount of inner strength. You are responsible for your partner's physical and emotional safety, while she trusts you to take her to places which satisfy her need to experience risk, fear, humiliation and/or pain. And, inevitably, at the times she is most at real risk, you are likely to be most turned on yourself - and you still have to keep her safe. So if you are a sub, don't get involved in a physical relationship with someone who is not mature, thoughtful, self-aware and confident.



I strongly agree with this.



As an online friendship it may be fine but I really don't think you should take it into real life - he sounds as if he has too many issues.



Just as he cannot be what he is not to please you, you cannot be what you are not to please him. If either of you tries, it will not work. Find someone who is compatible with what you need.

thank you for addressing this part. I do understand pretending, but since it's an everyday 95% of the time thing I don't think it's just pretend. And I agree that it cannot be safe.

I do not think we will move this into real life with all the complications we are currently having.

Thank you very much for your input

 

[Adakgirl]

My personal opinion.. having on-line only experience ...is that..
Yes, your Dominant should show some emotion towards you, any emotion, you should feel it one way or the other, it needs to be there.
If he pouts and argues because he is not getting his way, then he is not what I call a Dominant.
If he refuses to acknowledge your hard limits, respect them and at least try to work within them then he does not know what he is doing.

If he thinks he can somehow change from a sub into a Dom in order to protect himself from getting hurt again..and then expects you to Top him in order to satisfy his needs...then I suggest you run from this man.

I suggest you expand your horizons. Do not feel beholden to him just cut the cord.

 

[subwannabe]

Why do women feel they can always work through a situation and make the best of it? You need to dump this guy. You don't have to dump being a sub, but you do have to dump this guy and find a new Dom. Don't women realize that what you have already seen in this guy is just the tip of the iceberg? He may even seem to come around to your point of view but I guarnantee in his head he is already planning on not only wearing you down back to his way of thinking, but he has many other plans in his head he hasn't even told you about yet. Maybe a good Dom isn't the easiest thing to actually find but, believe me, there are many, many, many more out there than you know and you can find another one who won't force you to throw away your morals.

 

[thatgirl2136]

Why do women feel they can always work through a situation and make the best of it? You need to dump this guy. You don't have to dump being a sub, but you do have to dump this guy and find a new Dom. Don't women realize that what you have already seen in this guy is just the tip of the iceberg? He may even seem to come around to your point of view but I guarnantee in his head he is already planning on not only wearing you down back to his way of thinking, but he has many other plans in his head he hasn't even told you about yet. Maybe a good Dom isn't the easiest thing to actually find but, believe me, there are many, many, many more out there than you know and you can find another one who won't force you to throw away your morals.

Well when you care for someone it's not always the easiest thing to just drop it and walk away.
Yes, I definitely know this would just be the tip of the iceburg especially since we have not met yet.

I have no ruled out dumping him, though I did want to see if there could be a compromise first and limits between us learned. I assure you I do not plan on dropping my morals and if I feel like I am then the relationship is most definitely over.

 

[thatgirl2136]

My personal opinion.. having on-line only experience ...is that..
Yes, your Dominant should show some emotion towards you, any emotion, you should feel it one way or the other, it needs to be there.
If he pouts and argues because he is not getting his way, then he is not what I call a Dominant.
If he refuses to acknowledge your hard limits, respect them and at least try to work within them then he does not know what he is doing.

If he thinks he can somehow change from a sub into a Dom in order to protect himself from getting hurt again..and then expects you to Top him in order to satisfy his needs...then I suggest you run from this man.

I suggest you expand your horizons. Do not feel beholden to him just cut the cord.

Yes, it really is just that: online.
At the moment given our distance I do not believe it will be possible to meet anytime soon.
It does need to be there, any relationship needs it and I'm hoping he will see that, but if he cannot then I will not be able to remain with him.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

What the ever-bloody-loving FUCK???

One does not "decide" to be Dom, sub, or switch. Sorry. It's hardwired.

That's like "deciding" to be black, or asian, or Martian.

ETA: He could decide to be a Top, or bottom, or switch between the two, however. But not Dominant, or submissive, or D/s switch.

See I thought that same thing that you can't truly switch and it shows more and more when he tells me to be Dom.
yet he still refers to me as his slave....

I'm beginning to think this is almost hopeless

OOPS! I should have used articles in my first declarative sentence, so that it read:

One does not "decide" to be a Dom, a Sub, or a switch. Sorry. It's hardwired.​

That poor sentence construction led to your response, which seems to indicate that you interpreted "or switch" to be a verb. There *are* people in the culture who "switch" between PYL and pyl status, usually but not always more in the Top/bottom sense than in the Dom/sub sense, though that also occurs. They are called "switches." Sorry if my statement confused or misled you.

 

[thatgirl2136]

OOPS! I should have used articles in my first declarative sentence, so that it read:

One does not "decide" to be a Dom, a Sub, or a switch. Sorry. It's hardwired.​

That poor sentence construction led to your response, which seems to indicate that you interpreted "or switch" to be a verb. There *are* people in the culture who "switch" between PYL and pyl status, usually but not always more in the Top/bottom sense than in the Dom/sub sense, though that also occurs. They are called "switches." Sorry if my statement confused or misled you.

oooook...i was confused. I read it a few times, but yes that would lead to my response. I understand what you are saying now.

 

[mouse77]

I have to say I am relatively new to the scene and was introduced by someone I met online. Your story mirrors mine, he held all the cards because he had the experience and I thought his way was the way things should be.

Needless to say his answers were one or two words, he seemed to think that this 'mystery' made him more attractive to me. I ended up feeling hurt and confused and would do anything to get his attention (only online I might add)

So after reading some amazing posts from people on here, I took a complete break from him and cut all contact, the relationship was damaging to me mentally. Several months later we got back in contact, and as I was mentally more seperate from him I was able to explain how he made me feel. He had had no idea of the detrimental effect he had and we now maintain a wonderful friendship. Good luck, I hope I may have helped in some way and please PM me if you would like to chat xx

 

[clock1]

All of this for an online never met "relationship"

Emotion would be great but these are bits and bytes on a machine.

We know about topping from the bottom he is bottoming from the top, probably as has been pointed out because he sees safety in it.

All of that is OK, I tend to be irked by those who accuse others of not being "open minded" enough. If they were open minded they would see the other point of view.

Expanding boundries is great done my mutual consent after honest talk of where current boundries are. This not sub enough or not dom enough makes me think OCD..
Not
consensual sexual play.

After all that is what it is all ultimately about. Something that triggers the pleasure centers of the brain. "We" get off on different things, some are hard wired (as pointed out by others) for certian things, others adapt to many situations.

Some can really switch from dom to sub or top to bottom and enjoy the intimacy from any position. Others feel defined by a role, and stick closely to that role.

None of this is good or bad or right or wrong. It simply is how people are.

Find someone, online, or real life who you can talk to, negotiate successfully with and pleasure each other with agreed on activities. Life is far too short for anything else.

 

[neighborboy]

Him being a bad Dom has nothing to do with being a switch and everything to do with being a jerk. I'm sorry, but I'd stay far, far away from anyone who doesn't belive in consensual play.

 

[intothewoods]

In general, it's difficult to know if you can trust someone you only know online.

In response to the you can't just become a dom or sub comments, I wanted to say that sexuality is very fluid. While it's entirely possible this person is full of shit, it's not impossible for a person's desires to evolve or change.