Winter_Wordsmith
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Well, I gave it a try
- Thread starter Winter_Wordsmith
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Jenny_Jackson
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Grrrr.... Let me start with the visual impression of your story. It's hard to read because of the blocks of text. You should try to vary the length of your paragraphs. The longest should be no more than about 8 lines, interspersed with sort 2 or 3 sentence paragraphs. That makes it so much easier to read. Of the 24 odd paragraphs 9 of them are in excess of 10 lines.
On the overall, the story is a disinteresting discription. You have two quotations in the entire story. "Cruel" (one word) and "Let's see a little more of what we're bidding on! Looks like this one might be hiding something!" in midstory. You need to let your characters talk and tell their own story. If I remember correctly, there is a good article in the Writer's Resources titled, "How to make you characters talk." You should find that and read it.
Telling a story and letting the characters tell the story makes a world of difference.
The plot was pretty good, but the story falters in the writing. Sorry.
Frostfallen
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Hey, I actually think that one is pretty good! Esp for a first effort. A welcome departure from the cliche stuff that you normally see here.
And no offense Jenny, but you really have no right to be criticizing somebody else's writing, because yours is nothing short of garbage. Your job is to flood the board with an endless string of vacuous tripe.
And no offense Jenny, but you really have no right to be criticizing somebody else's writing, because yours is nothing short of garbage. Your job is to flood the board with an endless string of vacuous tripe.
Jenny_Jackson
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LMAO. This coming for someone with ONE post. <Shaking Head>
I've critiqued 1000 stories or more on this site and turned out some pretty fair writers with my "tripe". Now why don't you keep your ignorant comments to yourself or maybe share them with the rest of your elementary school class.
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Frostfallen
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Actually, you did an excellent job of proving my point. If you've had the time to post 10,000 messages on this board and critique hundreds and hundreds of stories, you're clearly not fit to do anything more sophisticated.
Stick to what you know best, attention mongering, cliche spinning, linking yourself to trash celebrities that haven't been relevant in pop culture for a decade, and generally making an idiot of yourself.
Stick to what you know best, attention mongering, cliche spinning, linking yourself to trash celebrities that haven't been relevant in pop culture for a decade, and generally making an idiot of yourself.
I have to disagree with you Frost. I have had Jenny critiquing my story and she has given me some excellent advice and is willing to do more. Whether or not she has 1 or 100 stories has no bearing on her ability to give criticism to a writer who has asked for it. If you enjoyed the story, good for you. Maybe your ability to offer a good critique is biased and you need see it from a different view point than your own. But to attack her just shows you have an agenda against her and it shouldn't be brought to light on this site and especially not in a post from a writer looking for help. Play nice.
Now after reading the story, I agree with Jenny in the length of paragraphs. The hardest thing was the lack of dialogue. It screamed to have some throughout the bidding. It was still unclear who the third captive was and I'll guess her son or young lover. The overall concept was good, but needs proofing and editing. Details of the characters should be clearer and the need for descriptive settings could be better as well. Lance
Jenny_Jackson
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Thank you, Lance. But in reality I don't need to be defended by anyone. I have two real books published and 40 + stories posted on here. If the little troll wants to dis me, he can. I really don't give a fuck about anyone unwilling to listen and has no stories posted on Lit at all.
Actually, I never said the story was bad. I'm not here to judge if stories are good or bad. I am here to critique the writing skills of the new authors and point out the many things I've learned from others about writing, such as paragraph length, grammar errors, paragraph and story structure, dialogue and so on.
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Sorry Winter but..
Hey Jenny, isn't it interesting to see that trolls are getting memberships to attack people in here now. I guess they're too stupid to realize they can get booted from the site this way. My apologies Winter, you'll have to deal with them when your stories are commented on feedback.
Hey Jenny, isn't it interesting to see that trolls are getting memberships to attack people in here now. I guess they're too stupid to realize they can get booted from the site this way. My apologies Winter, you'll have to deal with them when your stories are commented on feedback.
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
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Hey Jenny, isn't it interesting to see that trolls are getting memberships to attack people in here now. I guess they're too stupid to realize they can get booted from the site this way. My apologies Winter, you'll have to deal with them when your stories are commented on feedback.
Nothing new. It's been going on since day one.
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