Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

A Doctor In Duluth

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole..

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.

Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
.
.
.
.
.

'I put drops in her eyes!!

 

[DG Hear]

Child's Perspective on Retirement

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

"They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."

 

[DG Hear]

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,

Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30 ?"

 

[DG Hear]

Mammograms

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough..


EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AMwhen the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.


YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause.............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And

When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!


A Friend Is Like A Good Bra....
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Had it before but we are always getting New readers, which I'm thankful for. Hey, I like our regulars too.
DG

Hostages

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

 

[DG Hear]

Vasoline Salesman

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”

“Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,” she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. “Um, er, I admire you for your honesty,” he continues. “Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”

 

[glynndah]

A young guy goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back home."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."

 

[DG Hear]

Don't have any Idea if this is anywhere near true but I did find it funny. Received this from an old friend a few minutes ago.
DG

An Interesting Event in Victoria , Texas


Victoria , Texas (pop.. 55,000) is a town about 80 miles west of Houston
.
Local Hispanic leaders there, in opposition to pending Immigration
Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria
area this past weekend as demonstration of theireconomic impact on the
community. The boycott was declared a success by the hispanic community,
noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down by 19%.

Business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out
that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the
country were down by 97%, and the cost of daily clean-up and trash
collection was down by 84%. Shoppers reported that they could actually
hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in
recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real
money, not government debit cards.


Just think of this was held all over the US.

 

[DG Hear]

ITALIAN HONEYMOON:

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new
bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in
Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da honeamoona?'
Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da
train ride down.'

'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.
'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.
She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were
lookina forward to da trip and open upa da luncha basket.

The Conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, no
eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car,
eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a
vino!

The Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No
drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a
smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'

'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car
anda go to bed.

We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore,
he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice...
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !
'Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus.'

 

[DG Hear]

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael.. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it... I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That’s the State of Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."

God smiled, "There’s Washington DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!

 

[DG Hear]

Friends Wife

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?"

Mike said "Yes I did."

She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500."

So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K."

She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today"

She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

 

[DG Hear]

Heard Someone Coming

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

 

[DG Hear]

Just finding some old jokes. Could be new to some of you.
DG


Smart Horse

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

 

[Boxlicker101]

Heard Someone Coming

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

I have seen this one before, and actually wrote it in verse:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=205951

I have done the same with some other stories and later saw them here. I don't mean the stories are original with me; I read them in "Playboy Party Jokes" or similar place. What I mean is that I wrote them in doggerel, which is fun to do and fun to read.

 

[DG Hear]

I have seen this one before, and actually wrote it in verse:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=205951

I have done the same with some other stories and later saw them here. I don't mean the stories are original with me; I read them in "Playboy Party Jokes" or similar place. What I mean is that I wrote them in doggerel, which is fun to do and fun to read.

Cool! I read it on one of the humor sight I went too. I get most of my jokes from e-mails but if I go a few days without getting any, I go to a couple of different sights.

 

[DG Hear]

Another Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'


Broken coffee Table $239.99

Hot breakfast $4.20

Two aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS

 

[DG Hear]

Honey, What did the Doctor say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.

The doctor speaks to the man’s wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he’ll probably live another 20 years."

She returns to her husband’s side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"

"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

 

[DG Hear]

500 Dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

 

[curl4ever]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
...

I LOVE the hangover joke!
(That's now officially my all-time favorite "priceless" story.)
Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

Shampoo

WHILE SHOPPING IN A FOOD STORE, TWO NUNS HAPPEN TO PASS BY THE BEER COOLER. ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING."

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED,"INDEED IT WOULD SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER AS I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

" I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" SHE REPLIED AS SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "A SHAMPOO, OF SORT, IF YOU WILL."

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZELS STICKS AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED AND SAID ," THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

 

[DG Hear]

I just read this a few minutes ago. I remember using this joke and wrote a two part story about it after reading it. I called it;

The Test

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

[DG Hear]

Situation Beyond Control

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

 

[curl4ever]

The Test

...

Situation Beyond Control

...

Both stunningly funny!! Thanks, DG!

 

[Snuggle Bunz]

oh this is a GREAT thread!

Totally needed to laugh!

 

[DG Hear]

oh this is a GREAT thread!

Totally needed to laugh!

Welcome to the thread. Come back often. Just remember that not all humor is the same for everyone. Feel free to post anything you find humorous.
DG