Introducing myself.

[owned_whore]

Hi,

I'm not exactly new to the board as I've been reading it for a while. My own lifestyle is very alternative and I don't really have anyone outside of Master's friends to talk with. I am his slave and he has me serve some of his friends and also earn money as a pro-sub. I enjoy all of these aspects of service and he handles the money. I have been with him 3 years, since he rescued me from a life that was spiralling to an early grave. Although I love my place, I still have issues with it and I know my need for total dominance and hardcore use stems from a less than ideal upbringing. I'd like to explore and discuss that in time. Do you think it matters whether your kinks come from negative experiences so long as your adult life is as functional as you wish it to be? Master did suggest finding a kink-friendly therapist but I just don't have the courage yet. Part of me wonders whether getting my past issues resolved would alter me as a person and leave me without the desire to live as I do right now. I'm very confused at the moment and generally reluctant when it comes to introspection. My life is very insular. I have few non-kink friends and no family with whom I'm in touch. I need the walls that cushion my reality and keep the world at bay. I need my collar and my rules. Is that a bad thing, or fine for as long as it works?

I wasn't expecting to throw this at you guys as a first post but I suppose I might as well. There must be people here who have experienced something similar.

Anyway... um...

Hi x

 

[FurryFury]

Welcome.



No, I don't think it matters if you feel your kink comes from a rough childhood as long as you have built a life now that you find workable.

A lot of people have had miserable childhoods and not become kinky. I think that although it's easy to blame our miserable childhoods that we may be born with or without kink personally.

Regardless, what matters is what you chose to do with your life.

 

[Homburg]

FF is on the money. The source of your kink is not really material to your participation in it. If you consider yourself happy and well-realised, be happy.

There is, however, the reality that some people consider themselves happy, and are simply hiding their anxieties and misery under a thick layer of self-delusion. I think that you are already aware of this from your post. That said, the fact that you are aware of it, and afraid of it, is probably indicative that you aren't all that deluded. The folks that I've known that really are this way won't even recognise the possibility that they're bullshitting themselves.

 

[Recidiva]

I think that you should be able to explore what makes you happy and what you need right now. Whatever that direction is, I'd encourage you to go that way responsibly.

If it's kink, it's the opposite of kink, you might not know until you try. I think the problem is having to stay in one place forever if that place is no longer suiting your needs.

If you feel you need to do some excavation of your past, that doesn't mean it's a bad thing, some stuff that gets dug up might be the good stuff.

So I'd encourage trying out small changes and exploring where you feel you need to go, without judgment before you start out, and without letting anybody else tell you what you'll find. It's your journey, don't miss a step out of fear.

 

[YourCaptor]

Well, first thing you should clarify to yourself is whether the desire to clear things up is due to current problems you are experiencing now, or do you wish to heal the wounds that still hurt from your past.

You can be very healthy with your past as it is.

However if you are not you should try to seek help.

Here are some things you may notice causing you problems, things that trained people can help you with. Neuroticism, anxiety, depression, high emotionality, maybe over reacting at times, drug overuse including alcohol, keeping people away, feeling that people seem to distance themselves from you.

Only you know what you are going through, if you can't stand it, you don't have too, you can do something about it.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Welcome, Owned.

You know, I'm not sure I agree with the consensus here.

I think a lot of us who are kinked have been through scarring experiences, and I think that for many of us the kink is at least partly a result of scarring. I spent a large chunk of my adolescence in mental hospital; it wasn't very pleasant. My first BDSM fantasies were before I went into hospital, but not before the process which ended with me being hospitalised started.

The isn't to say that having a kink is unhealthy. I don't think it is, and more than having a scar from an old injury is unhealthy. I don't think therapy could make my kink go away (although I suppose it could lead me to repress it) and in any case I don't want it to go away. It's part of who I am, even if it isn't always comfortable.

Don't know whether that helps any.

 

[Etoile]

Wow, you and ownedsubgal have GOT to talk. Your life is very similar to hers.

 

[RawHumor]

Wow, you and ownedsubgal have GOT to talk. Your life is very similar to hers.

I was sorta thinking the same thing, though I don't know ownedsubgirl's past at all. When I read the first few lines, I immediately thought of her.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Although I love my place, I still have issues with it and I know my need for total dominance and hardcore use stems from a less than ideal upbringing. I'd like to explore and discuss that in time.

You seem very confident about this but do you know for sure that's where all this stems from? As FF said further back, you could have had a perfectly 'normal' upbringing and still ended up kinky, plenty of people do. I used to think my submissiveness came from a religious upbringing and it took years before I accepted that regardless of where it came from, sexual submission is a part of my make-up, almost as indelible as being gay, for example. I cannot be happy and content in a 'normal' relationship so I don't try. You seem to have come to that realization but you don't trust yourself to stop questioning it.

Do you think it matters whether your kinks come from negative experiences so long as your adult life is as functional as you wish it to be? Master did suggest finding a kink-friendly therapist but I just don't have the courage yet.

I think it all depends. Some people lock their past traumas in a box marked 'do not open' and get on with their lives successfully. Others become damaged by bottling past issues that they need to address. Only you can say which category you fall into. Don't feel that because you have a past you automatically need therapy. There are such things as kink friendly therapists but at the same time, how much you divulge about your current lifestyle is up to you.

Part of me wonders whether getting my past issues resolved would alter me as a person and leave me without the desire to live as I do right now. I'm very confused at the moment and generally reluctant when it comes to introspection. My life is very insular. I have few non-kink friends and no family with whom I'm in touch. I need the walls that cushion my reality and keep the world at bay. I need my collar and my rules. Is that a bad thing, or fine for as long as it works?

Possibly but you should be wary about needing this extreme lifestyle of yours too much. Anything you use as a crutch, be it alcohol, sex or your bond with your Master will make you vulnerable. Relationships don't always last and while it's great that you love your service, you shouldn't immerse yourself in it to such a degree that you wouldn't be able to cope if your Master freed you or even died. Are there finances you can access if that happens? A contingency plan of some kind? If anything happened to him, would his next of kin understand that the money he has belongs to both of you? A bit morbid I know but if you're not married to the guy and known to be a sexworker, your legal position if anything should happen to him is non-existent.

Your lifestyle may be unusual and one that many would frown upon but that doesn't mean that because you want to live this way there must be something wrong with you. This is your life and you have every right to live in the way most conducive to your own happiness. Are there things you feel you're passing up in being slave to your Master, like the possibility of kids or monogamy?

I'm assuming that your troubled past is the reason you are not in touch with family but is there no friend or family member you can confide in? You alluded on another thread to a non-consensual underage experience. Have you ever thought of telling the police about what happened to you? If you really have nobody to talk to about this and you feel the need to discuss it, therapy would be a better option than posting on a board like this. We're all just laypeople here.

I wasn't expecting to throw this at you guys as a first post but I suppose I might as well. There must be people here who have experienced something similar.

Anyway... um...

Hi x

Welcome to Lit.

 

[owned_whore]

Welcome.



No, I don't think it matters if you feel your kink comes from a rough childhood as long as you have built a life now that you find workable.

A lot of people have had miserable childhoods and not become kinky. I think that although it's easy to blame our miserable childhoods that we may be born with or without kink personally.

Regardless, what matters is what you chose to do with your life.

Yeah, I realise that now. It was like a 'duh' lightbulb on moment. I have been so convinced that my past must be responsible for my present that I haven't really considered other possibilities.

 

[owned_whore]

FF is on the money. The source of your kink is not really material to your participation in it. If you consider yourself happy and well-realised, be happy.

There is, however, the reality that some people consider themselves happy, and are simply hiding their anxieties and misery under a thick layer of self-delusion. I think that you are already aware of this from your post. That said, the fact that you are aware of it, and afraid of it, is probably indicative that you aren't all that deluded. The folks that I've known that really are this way won't even recognise the possibility that they're bullshitting themselves.

I do tell myself this but it's so good to hear objective perspectives. I don't even consider Master objective any more as he has put up with my existential angst for so long. Perhaps I'm more introspective than I actually realise.

 

[owned_whore]

Welcome, Owned.

You know, I'm not sure I agree with the consensus here.

I think a lot of us who are kinked have been through scarring experiences, and I think that for many of us the kink is at least partly a result of scarring. I spent a large chunk of my adolescence in mental hospital; it wasn't very pleasant. My first BDSM fantasies were before I went into hospital, but not before the process which ended with me being hospitalised started.

The isn't to say that having a kink is unhealthy. I don't think it is, and more than having a scar from an old injury is unhealthy. I don't think therapy could make my kink go away (although I suppose it could lead me to repress it) and in any case I don't want it to go away. It's part of who I am, even if it isn't always comfortable.

Don't know whether that helps any.

I think I understand you. I don't have any idea what percentage of kinksters have had past trauma or abuse, as opposed to vanilla people or whatever. I know it's definitely a factor for me and at the very least, it normalised and desensitised me to a lot of things at a young age.

 

[owned_whore]

You seem very confident about this but do you know for sure that's where all this stems from? As FF said further back, you could have had a perfectly 'normal' upbringing and still ended up kinky, plenty of people do. I used to think my submissiveness came from a religious upbringing and it took years before I accepted that regardless of where it came from, sexual submission is a part of my make-up, almost as indelible as being gay, for example. I cannot be happy and content in a 'normal' relationship so I don't try. You seem to have come to that realization but you don't trust yourself to stop questioning it.



I think it all depends. Some people lock their past traumas in a box marked 'do not open' and get on with their lives successfully. Others become damaged by bottling past issues that they need to address. Only you can say which category you fall into. Don't feel that because you have a past you automatically need therapy. There are such things as kink friendly therapists but at the same time, how much you divulge about your current lifestyle is up to you.



Possibly but you should be wary about needing this extreme lifestyle of yours too much. Anything you use as a crutch, be it alcohol, sex or your bond with your Master will make you vulnerable. Relationships don't always last and while it's great that you love your service, you shouldn't immerse yourself in it to such a degree that you wouldn't be able to cope if your Master freed you or even died. Are there finances you can access if that happens? A contingency plan of some kind? If anything happened to him, would his next of kin understand that the money he has belongs to both of you? A bit morbid I know but if you're not married to the guy and known to be a sexworker, your legal position if anything should happen to him is non-existent.

Your lifestyle may be unusual and one that many would frown upon but that doesn't mean that because you want to live this way there must be something wrong with you. This is your life and you have every right to live in the way most conducive to your own happiness. Are there things you feel you're passing up in being slave to your Master, like the possibility of kids or monogamy?

I'm assuming that your troubled past is the reason you are not in touch with family but is there no friend or family member you can confide in? You alluded on another thread to a non-consensual underage experience. Have you ever thought of telling the police about what happened to you? If you really have nobody to talk to about this and you feel the need to discuss it, therapy would be a better option than posting on a board like this. We're all just laypeople here.



Welcome to Lit.

Well you've given me a lot to think about. Master has suggested making a will to ensure I'm not left penniless but I'll have to nudge him. I would be able to cope if we split, I've been self reliant from a young age. With him, not having to be is part of the lure. I'm doing an Open Uni degree in English so one day I could even teach. Master wants me to be fulfilled and happy and to have options. I went into slavery like most enter marriage (or should do) but we both know that things don't always work out as planned.

I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I'm not secure enough for monogamy. That sounds weird even as I type it but my security lies in knowing my Master is happy and satisfied, not in knowing that he only fucks me. I have never had any desire for kids. I would have no clue what to do with them. The strange, evil, alien little people terrify me if I'm honest. I'm even awkward around friends' kids who I'm familiar with.

I still don't know if I need therapy. I've spoken to my GP in recent months and was told there's a six month wait for counselling on the NHS. I don't know how therapy differs from counselling. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try when the opportunity comes up but then I'm ambivalent about starting something that I might not feel able to follow through.

I have thought about going to the police but it's too long ago now. At the time I was too scared as he threatened to hurt others, knowing it would be more effective than threatening to hurt me. Now, I just can't see how a case would ever be brought against him. I've been troubled for years and things I have done since leaving home would count against my character. He on the other hand, was a pillar of his local community. He's retired now and in poor health so I doubt he's a current threat to anyone else.

 

[owned_whore]

Thanks for all the comments so far. They've been really thought provoking.

 

[FurryFury]

FF is on the money. The source of your kink is not really material to your participation in it. If you consider yourself happy and well-realised, be happy.

There is, however, the reality that some people consider themselves happy, and are simply hiding their anxieties and misery under a thick layer of self-delusion. I think that you are already aware of this from your post. That said, the fact that you are aware of it, and afraid of it, is probably indicative that you aren't all that deluded. The folks that I've known that really are this way won't even recognise the possibility that they're bullshitting themselves.

I've been there in the past. I'm really good at flipping reality so I can cope and tell myself I'm happy. I hope I'm past that now. It's a really good point to ponder though.

 

[nh23]

I will tell you today that my kink especially the maso and emotional maso parts of me came from childhood abuse. I learned at an early age to associate pain and sex. I'll tell you tomorrow it has nothing to do with it. LOL

I go back and forth a lot. However what I think is important is this. I love the life I lead. I love being kinky. I refuse to let the man who abused me have any impact on that. I don't want to hate myself for being this way, nor do I want him to have any credit at all for it.

It's confusing to say the least.

 

[owned_whore]

I will tell you today that my kink especially the maso and emotional maso parts of me came from childhood abuse. I learned at an early age to associate pain and sex. I'll tell you tomorrow it has nothing to do with it. LOL

I go back and forth a lot. However what I think is important is this. I love the life I lead. I love being kinky. I refuse to let the man who abused me have any impact on that. I don't want to hate myself for being this way, nor do I want him to have any credit at all for it.

It's confusing to say the least.

Yep, that's very similar to how I am.

It's as though I don't want to prove him right about me. At the same time, if it's the case that my kink is purely some kind of PTSD coping mechanism born of what happened to me, how can I ever truly embrace that? How can I be proud of it?

Meh. It's getting late here and I'm going to turn in.