How do you know if.....

[fotowriter]

Ok I need a little help here,

I've been dating this woman for around 9 months. I have a suspicion that she may be or have submissive tendancies. AS I do not consider myself a Dom or a submissive and have had no experiance with this type of relationship I am not sure how to proceed.

A few things that lead me to this conclusion are as follows......

1. She once and only once told me that she liked to be told what to do
2. She once gave me rights for her to be my slave for the day. I have never followed up on this as I am worried about what this entails and does not entail or to what degree she would like this. We have joked about it several times and one day when she least expects it I will follow through. My main concern is I do not want to do something to upset her or do something that she does not like.
3. A few times I have asked her to do something sexually and she refused saying it wasn't her thing, However she had done it before and several other times I have asked her to do something and she paused then did it. To me some of that almost seems as a test to see how I would react or if she would be punished for disobeying.
4. Today I thanked her for a few simple things she had done that gave me a reassurance of the relationship. Her reply was a smile and "Glad you are pleased"


So my question is for those in the lifestyle, do you think the above items are indicitive of a submissive? If so how do I gently approach the subject or how do I begin to act as a Dom by introducing it slowly into the relationship.

THanks for your support.

 

[00Syd]

Signs point to yes.

But if you aren't at all kinky, then don't force yourself to act in a way that you don't feel comfotable with. That isn't good for anybody. When I first "realized" I was kinky/submissive I got my bf at the time, who was totally vanilla, to sort of "act the part" of a Dom for a while and it was a pretty big disaster.

 

[fotowriter]

I wouldn't consider myself vanilla by any means and I know she is not either. I just have not had experiance in this type of relationship before. In general I think I have both DOm and submissive tendancies as does she. I'm just not sure how to introduce it or explore that side. I would hate to be wrong about it and turn her off alltogether, like you mentioned with your BF. I think I am just looking for ideas how to slowly intorduce her to my being DOM to see if her natural submissiveness takes over.

 

[subwannabe]

Ok, I have great advice on this one. If she will let you, tie her up spread eagled to the bed. Then do it and then tease her mercilessly without letting her cum, driving her as crazy as you possibly can. With women you can't overdo this part or they will lose interest but make her as horny as you can without orgasm. This is kind of like sodium pentathol truth serum. You can get her to a point where she will tell you everything and anything you want to know. Make her tell you some of her fantasies. When she thinks she is done, continue, telling her you want to hear more and that you know she is holding back. You can be forceful in demanding she tell you if you sense she's liking it. She will probably enjoy that aspect as well. If she hasn't confessed to any Dom/Sub stuff at that point then you begin asking her the same questions you are pondering here. I did this to my wife before we were married and I was absolutely totally floored that she craved to fucked in the ass but I guess was afraid to talk about it. A little "truth serum" and it came out very easily. Good luck. And, by the way, this can still work if she doesn't want to be tied up but I would say that if she doesn't want to be tied up then you may have already had your question answered.

 

[00Syd]

I wouldn't consider myself vanilla by any means and I know she is not either. I just have not had experiance in this type of relationship before. In general I think I have both DOm and submissive tendancies as does she. I'm just not sure how to introduce it or explore that side. I would hate to be wrong about it and turn her off alltogether, like you mentioned with your BF. I think I am just looking for ideas how to slowly intorduce her to my being DOM to see if her natural submissiveness takes over.

Well you could, y'know, talk to her about it.

 

[SugarNSex]

Well you could, y'know, talk to her about it.

Yes, this! Communicate, communicate, communicate! I am in a new relationship with someone who has never participated in the D/s lifestyle. He is very eager to learn and has even expressed interest in being the submissive sometimes. This is something that came about through many discussions and revealing of fantasies. He knows this is something that was part of my past life but only after much talk between the two of us. As a sub, I am a bit hesitant to offer much information - that is not my way - so it has been a struggle at times for me to tell him what I want. One way we opened the door for communication was by sharing stories here. He would send me links to stories he liked and I would do the same. This way, we each had a chance to digest what the other finds exciting before actually talking about it.

By the way - subwannabe's "truth serum" advice is quite good. Be firm and insist on knowing what she likes. And when she responds favorably to your actions tell her you know she likes it...you know she wants more...and when you finally allow her to orgasm you may both be surprised!

 

[bakedbeams]

I like Subwannabes idea.... Yes I think that your g/friend shows definite signs.

Like Sugar, being a Sub was part of my past life. My Sir and I have been together for 10months, and he just brought that part of me back out. It just happened naturally, wasn't part of playing, if that makes sense. Sir, like you is new to all this. He has taken to it like a duck to water.

I was in a few BDSM sites and found this the other day, its the Owners Manual and was written by a Sub for her boyfriend.

http://www.ecstagony.com/eng/info/artds/owman1.htm

Yes we do talk about things often, in so far as his expectations of me, my needs, things that may make either of us uncomfortable, and the things that make us happy.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Ok, I have great advice on this one. If she will let you, tie her up spread eagled to the bed. Then do it and then tease her mercilessly without letting her cum, driving her as crazy as you possibly can. With women you can't overdo this part or they will lose interest but make her as horny as you can without orgasm. This is kind of like sodium pentathol truth serum. You can get her to a point where she will tell you everything and anything you want to know. Make her tell you some of her fantasies. When she thinks she is done, continue, telling her you want to hear more and that you know she is holding back. You can be forceful in demanding she tell you if you sense she's liking it. She will probably enjoy that aspect as well. If she hasn't confessed to any Dom/Sub stuff at that point then you begin asking her the same questions you are pondering here. I did this to my wife before we were married and I was absolutely totally floored that she craved to fucked in the ass but I guess was afraid to talk about it. A little "truth serum" and it came out very easily. Good luck. And, by the way, this can still work if she doesn't want to be tied up but I would say that if she doesn't want to be tied up then you may have already had your question answered.

Ummm, what if she's submissive but not into bondage? How does that answer the question?

I can see this entire scenerio exploding into disaster if it hits any trigger points that weren't previously discovered through that communication thingie that people should do.

You don't have to make a 'game' out of it. In fact, you really shouldn't.

But that being said, it could be a good basis for hot rp in the future, when everyone is comfortable with their stuff.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Ummm, what if she's submissive but not into bondage? How does that answer the question?

I can see this entire scenerio exploding into disaster if it hits any trigger points that weren't previously discovered through that communication thingie that people should do.

You don't have to make a 'game' out of it. In fact, you really shouldn't.

But that being said, it could be a good basis for hot rp in the future, when everyone is comfortable with their stuff.

I agree. I think if someone had done this to me without already being in a power exchange kind of relationship I would have totally freaked and possibly ruined any desire for bondage that I already had.

 

[myinnerslut]

I agree. I think if someone had done this to me without already being in a power exchange kind of relationship I would have totally freaked and possibly ruined any desire for bondage that I already had.

add me to this camp.

you dont know if she has any problems with being tied up, once she is tied up, you dont know what she can and cant safely take. if you do tie her up and get her to the point where she will say anything, she might be doing just that. saying ANYTHING. anything that will get her the release she needs, or get you to stop. this display of power in a non-negotiated area would be grounds for a complete freak out for me.


if you do decide to do this, please please please talk about safety first. learn how to bind her so the rope doesnt cut off circulation or cuase rope burns. learn what to look for as she is thrashing around so that if the ropes tighten you can loosen them. use a safeword. i repeat, with any bondage, particularly in a situation where is is new and poorly negotiated, use a freakin safeword! recognize when enough is enough. be comfortable with the risk you are taking and recognize that her reaction following this could range from ecstatic to so pissed off at you for violating her trust (just running the gambit here) that she breaks up with you. be comfortable with your odds. dont do anything stupid.

 

[praefect]

Getting women to say what they hide under their facade is not something I only enjoyed, I thought it pretty damn important. To one degree or another none of them were ever open about their sexual desires. This could be an extreme case, where she didn't talk about what she liked at all, or not so extreme, where she was embarrassed to mention something she might like.

Tying her up and making her hot will not get her to spill her guts at your command. Maybe if your lucky she may get something out of that situation and tell you something, find it really hot, but chances are it will kill the mood. Chances are she will feel pressured. Chances are she'll feel embarrassed. That she'll close up or go all cerebral. And if it were me in that situation, seeing her lose a hold of all those sexual energies I'd go limp as well. The situation would be robbed of every ounce of joy for me.

What I found works best is exposing yourself. Opening yourself up, telling her about stuff you consider to be embarrassing about your own sexual desires to show her it's alright to so, to make her feel safer doing it, to encourage her by telling her you want to know what's going on in that pretty little head of hers, but giving her the time to expose herself on her own terms.

 

[subwannabe]

Whew! I got blasted for that advice. Fair enough since everyone's opinion counts but do please remember I did say:

"If she will let you, tie her up spread eagled to the bed."

"And, by the way, this can still work if she doesn't want to be tied up but I would say that if she doesn't want to be tied up then you may have already had your question answered."

I guess I'm also not understanding the definition of submissive. Someone wants to submit to someone but they are against being tied up? OK, I admit that is possible but this seems to go a little against the grain of such a relationship. In my world tied up doesn't usually mean S&M. It merely means being tied up or in bondage. I wholeheartedly agree that if it were to go past casual bondage that previous discussions should be had and safewords used. I merely suggested a way to help her bring out her own inhibitions toward a goal she seemed to be leaning toward in the first place. If my perception is correct I would think she would thuroughly enjoy my scenario.

 

[MisterSir]

I guess I'm also not understanding the definition of submissive. Someone wants to submit to someone but they are against being tied up? OK, I admit that is possible but this seems to go a little against the grain of such a relationship.

Repeat after me: "In blackest day, in brightest n-"wait, wrong thing.

Repeat after me again: "Your kink is not my kink, but it's OK." That's pretty much the golden rule, don't judge others for their kinks because doing so makes you a dick. Now consider the inverse of that - "my kink is not your kink". Your kink involves being tied up - that's awesome for you, but the kink of others doesn't involve being tied up. Maybe the PYL doesn't enjoy it, maybe the pyl has health problems that make it a bad idea, maybe the couple are taking baby steps and jumping straight to this level of bondage isn't the smartest idea; doesn't matter what the reason is, his kink is not your kink but that's OK.

Now accept that, lest you forever be labeled a dick who thinks he knows what true D/s is about.

 

[BiBunny]

"Submissive" does not equal "bondage and kink and rough sex." I know almost everyone here gets these things confused, but they don't necessarily go together.

 

[neci]

Ok I need a little help here,

I've been dating this woman for around 9 months. I have a suspicion that she may be or have submissive tendancies. AS I do not consider myself a Dom or a submissive and have had no experiance with this type of relationship I am not sure how to proceed.

A few things that lead me to this conclusion are as follows......

1. She once and only once told me that she liked to be told what to do
2. She once gave me rights for her to be my slave for the day. I have never followed up on this as I am worried about what this entails and does not entail or to what degree she would like this. We have joked about it several times and one day when she least expects it I will follow through. My main concern is I do not want to do something to upset her or do something that she does not like.
3. A few times I have asked her to do something sexually and she refused saying it wasn't her thing, However she had done it before and several other times I have asked her to do something and she paused then did it. To me some of that almost seems as a test to see how I would react or if she would be punished for disobeying.
4. Today I thanked her for a few simple things she had done that gave me a reassurance of the relationship. Her reply was a smile and "Glad you are pleased"


So my question is for those in the lifestyle, do you think the above items are indicitive of a submissive? If so how do I gently approach the subject or how do I begin to act as a Dom by introducing it slowly into the relationship.

THanks for your support.

it sounds like you are in a good position to explore sexually with someone you feel a connection to. have you considered sitting down alone and writing down what you want out of a woman? what turns you on? if you did have a "slave for a day," what types of things would you want to explore? would you want her to bring you beer and suck you off while you watched a ball game? would you want her to dress a little slutty and then take her out to a nice dinner, and have her spill wine down her top accidentally? or are you interested in crazy, rough, her begging underneath you type of sex? for me, submitting to my lover is pleasing him. bringing him pleasure by meeting his core sexual needs. what are your core sexual needs, and could it possibly involve having someone yearn to fill those needs inside of you - willingly and eagerly? it may be a start. who knows. what works for one person and situation will vary. if you think of it as i am Dom and she is sub, you may get preconceived ideas in your head of what that is for someone else, and miss what it is that is in you and her. start slowly. be open. let the journey lead you, don't try to hard to dictate what it is you think you will find. self exploration. nothing wrong with that! just realize that everyone has their own needs. including your partner. to ignore her hints and desires and requests, would be cheating both of you out of growing together stronger. just remember that it is all good. have fun. play. explore. don't think or worry so damn much. who knows. you may end up discovering that you are the one who craves to be tied up and beaten senseless. and if it is, would that really be such a bad thing?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Whew! I got blasted for that advice. Fair enough since everyone's opinion counts but do please remember I did say:

"If she will let you, tie her up spread eagled to the bed."

"And, by the way, this can still work if she doesn't want to be tied up but I would say that if she doesn't want to be tied up then you may have already had your question answered."

I guess I'm also not understanding the definition of submissive. Someone wants to submit to someone but they are against being tied up? OK, I admit that is possible but this seems to go a little against the grain of such a relationship. In my world tied up doesn't usually mean S&M. It merely means being tied up or in bondage. I wholeheartedly agree that if it were to go past casual bondage that previous discussions should be had and safewords used. I merely suggested a way to help her bring out her own inhibitions toward a goal she seemed to be leaning toward in the first place. If my perception is correct I would think she would thuroughly enjoy my scenario.

There's a *reason* that BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline (BD), Dominance/submission (Ds), and Sadism/masochism (SM). They're three different areas of kink which *may* - repeat, may - have some overlap. Even *within* each area, there are activities that are acceptable to some "practitioners" yet far beyond hard limits for others who still define themselves in that given area. Example: A masochist who simply adores being caned until the welts rise, the flesh bruises, and tiny flecks of blood seep from overlapping strokes, yet cannot, could not, WILL not tolerate a single gentle stroke from a belt... because as a child, she was repeatedly severely whipped with a belt by an abusive parent and simply *seeing* a belt being doubled over in one's hand puts her near panic.

As MisterSir said above: "Your kink is not my kink, and that's okay," and the obverse, which follows as day follows night: "My kink is not your kink, and that's okay, TOO!"

 

[BiBunny]

I the word obverse!

 

[subgirl2]

You are probably going to have to ask her. Or you could spend the next months trying to push her a little further each time. You don't need to jump on her and start dominating her. Just try and be more vocal about what you want to do to her and what you want her to do to you, that way you will come across as dominant but if she recoils then you were just being vocal.

If you are heading down that particular path, you will both need to talk anyway and lay down some rules. Good luck babe.

 

[Lost_Lenore]

I haven't heard any mention of a safeword. It seems a bit cliqued, but I think it helps both parties to loosen up and relax, knowing that they won't overstep some invisible limit of the other partner. I think a safeword helps keep the dominant partner from from being overly timid and having to stop play and ask, "Is this ok, do you want me to stop?"

If at loss for a safeword to use, you can always use "safeword." That's my favorite. And there's also "yellow light" (slow down or go no further) and "red light" (stop).

You will still have to talk ahead of time about likes and dislikes. Some girls may like to simply follow orders, others may want to be slapped and knocked to the ground! Some want to be told to follow, others may wish for a chain and a leash! Some want a gentle master, some want cruelty and humiliation. Writing stories or scenes out for each other is a good way to get started. Finding stories to share on a sight like this also works. You can talk about what elements of the story you like, don't like or would modify.

 

[HisSexyPet]

I like Subwannabes idea.... Yes I think that your g/friend shows definite signs.

Like Sugar, being a Sub was part of my past life. My Sir and I have been together for 10months, and he just brought that part of me back out. It just happened naturally, wasn't part of playing, if that makes sense. Sir, like you is new to all this. He has taken to it like a duck to water.

I was in a few BDSM sites and found this the other day, its the Owners Manual and was written by a Sub for her boyfriend.

http://www.ecstagony.com/eng/info/artds/owman1.htm

Yes we do talk about things often, in so far as his expectations of me, my needs, things that may make either of us uncomfortable, and the things that make us happy.

Thank you for sharing that link. It was well written and touches on a lot of basic information to start out with.

 

[bakedbeams]

Thank you HisSexyPet.

OP, when Sir and I first started I was the instigator. Perhaps some of these things will help you.

The first few times that Sir tied me up he was very concerned that I could 'get out' and might get hurt. (on a friends advice) I would have him bind my wrists, but not actually tie the end of the rope to anything, rather I would hold it in my hand, that way he was reassured that if I needed to get away I could just let go of the rope and I would be released from the 'bedhead'.

Sir is very aware of my body responses to stimulation and generally stops short of me going into an overload. He will do all sorts of things to me and as time has gone on, he has introduced more and more extreme stimulations. He just tells me to lie there and take it.. ha ha

Discussion of scenarios, for us isnt indepth. Sir will often text me a message ie wear a skirt and boots NO knickers, a time and a place, or google images eg. Soldier Blue.

As everyone has intimated.... its progressive babysteps. discussion, honesty and compromise.

 

[MALIBUMAN666]

Speaking from the perspective of a Sub. It took me a long time to tell my wife my wishes, and even then it was a very slow and gradual thing. 10 years down the line we probably haven't gone as far as I would like to, but I don't want to make my wife feel uncomfortable. For the first few years I think she did it because she loves me. But over the last few years she seems to be getting more and more into it. She's gets very wet when she dom's me, albeit to a lot of people here our idea of domination would be pretty tame.

Point I'm trying to make is, if you love her then go for it. Don't try and 'play' a dominant, go slowly and ease into it. I would imagine if you start down this path she will thank you for it and appreciate what you are doing. If you need help try asking her to write stuff down for you. I know from experience that it's easier to write stuff down in a note than tell someone to their face what you want.

I give my wife feedback after every session. A lot of it is just telling her how great she is and how much i enjoyed it, but if i think of something new that i want to try i put it in the notes. I definitely think that doing this together has made us much closer than we would have been without it.