has anyone ever

[kiss_of_sin]

had someone they loved more than life itself, cheat on them?

im going through this currently, just having recently finding out (like yesterday) and i confronted him. he didnt lie about it, and he was sorry.

i know i have to forgive him, not take him back, just forgive him. and my gut wants him to hurt as much as he hurt me, and the other still loves him more than life itself. all the shattered pieces of my heart still love him..

anyone got any suggestions on how to get over him?

 

[Adakgirl]

Why not take him back if you say you have to forgive him anyway? If you can truly forgive him, then there is no reason not to take him back. If you forgive him, then you have to forgive him completely, let it go. Never bring it up and never throw it in his face.

If you love him more than life itself like you say you do, then you should be able to forgive him , trust him again and take him back. Personally if he was remorseful, admitted he did it, didn't try to lie about it... I wouldn't let the love of my life go for making a mistake such as that. People make wrong decisions, they fuck up, if you love them you can't just love the good parts of them. You have to love the fucked up parts of them too and be able to accept the fact that they do fuck up sometimes.

Revenge is not the answer.

I know it hurts bad and it will hurt for awhile, but don't you think it will hurt much worse to be without him in your life? To lose him forever?

You will never get over him completely if you love him like that.

 

[minx1]

...am doubting my own advice. lol

will think about it and may post it again later.....or at least an edited version!

Good luck in the meantime

 

[ControlandDom]

Why not take him back if you say you have to forgive him anyway? If you can truly forgive him, then there is no reason not to take him back. If you forgive him, then you have to forgive him completely, let it go. Never bring it up and never throw it in his face.

If you love him more than life itself like you say you do, then you should be able to forgive him , trust him again and take him back. Personally if he was remorseful, admitted he did it, didn't try to lie about it... I wouldn't let the love of my life go for making a mistake such as that. People make wrong decisions, they fuck up, if you love them you can't just love the good parts of them. You have to love the fucked up parts of them too and be able to accept the fact that they do fuck up sometimes.

Revenge is not the answer.

I know it hurts bad and it will hurt for awhile, but don't you think it will hurt much worse to be without him in your life? To lose him forever?

You will never get over him completely if you love him like that.

Once a cheater always a cheater.

So you would take back and stay with the love of your life, accepting that he might "fuck up" and cheat on you again? Just because people make mistakes?

 

[Netzach]

Once a cheater always a cheater.

If you do take the animal back, do not expect to clear it of the habits, of the impulse that led it to do what it did. You cannot do that. But you can find out what was wrong and you can address it as a couple if you can permit total honesty without letting your hurt talk over whatever he's saying.

You can find out what was behind what happened. Because by the time someone cheats, the relationship is already derailed in some fashion or was never on the right track to start. It's not the extracurricular sex that makes it neurotic, but the lie. Why would someone lie? 1. selfishness 2. behavior from the other party that makes the lie feel necessary. Both are usually present in cheating.

I've experienced someone I loved as I love my life *wanting to be with other people.* Telling me, honestly and openly. It wasn't a picnic for me, but I realized there was absolutely positively no changing her mind, this wasn't up to me. She was doing me the favor of letting me know this was the kind of animal she was. I'm eternally grateful, because it woke me up to the fact, slowly, that I'm that kind of animal, too.

Love is a lot like the love of a pet. You're not going to get your cat to herd sheep. If you don't want a cat, get a dog.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

.........

 

[Marquis]

I don't think complications surrounding infidelity ever end, no matter how you choose to deal with the matter or who you choose to be with.

In my case, I refuse to be monogamous although I'm slowly being forced into it, chiefly through the unwillingness of my partner to communicate on the subject.

I think it was comedian Ron White who said "My wife and I have a great understanding. She knows what I like and I know what she... won't do. Oh she's got a list of those, and number one on the list is talking about the list."

My partner on the other hand will do things I don't approve of and won't confess until I conduct an interrogation that would classify me as a war criminal under the Geneva conventions.

 

[BiBunny]

I think "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a gross oversimplification.

 

[nh23]

You can find out what was behind what happened. Because by the time someone cheats, the relationship is already derailed in some fashion or was never on the right track to start.

Yep, I think cheating is a secondary issue.

 

[Keroin]

If you do take the animal back, do not expect to clear it of the habits, of the impulse that led it to do what it did. You cannot do that. But you can find out what was wrong and you can address it as a couple if you can permit total honesty without letting your hurt talk over whatever he's saying.

You can find out what was behind what happened. Because by the time someone cheats, the relationship is already derailed in some fashion or was never on the right track to start. It's not the extracurricular sex that makes it neurotic, but the lie. Why would someone lie? 1. selfishness 2. behavior from the other party that makes the lie feel necessary. Both are usually present in cheating.

I've experienced someone I loved as I love my life *wanting to be with other people.* Telling me, honestly and openly. It wasn't a picnic for me, but I realized there was absolutely positively no changing her mind, this wasn't up to me. She was doing me the favor of letting me know this was the kind of animal she was. I'm eternally grateful, because it woke me up to the fact, slowly, that I'm that kind of animal, too.

Love is a lot like the love of a pet. You're not going to get your cat to herd sheep. If you don't want a cat, get a dog.

This is quite possibly the best advice I've ever read on this board. Well put, Netz.

I have cheated and been cheated on. Neither side felt good.

The cheater gets a few moments of absolute bliss and then walks around with a stomach full of guilt. The cheatee feels betrayed and loses trust, not just in their SO but in everyone.

Everyone cheats for different reasons. Figuring out what those reasons are, as painful as that may be, will help everyone involved.

For me, as a cheater, it was about understanding that I am the animal Netz speaks of. I require novelty, new scenery, excitement, I am selfish. What that meant to me is that I had to either figure out a way to keep my restless brain occupied or admit that traditional, monogamous relationships are not for me. (I did a bit of both).

The part in bold is crucial. People who are happy and satisfied in their relationship do not cheat.

To the OP, when you feel ready, consider sitting down with your SO and try to have a frank discussion about what happened, (avoid gory details as much as possible). It will be messy and unpleasant but I think, at some point down the road, it will be beneficial.

 

[midwestyankee]

Netz and Keroin, I just want to say that I found your posts to be thoroughly cogent and profoundly generous. Thanks.

 

[Keroin]

Netz and Keroin, I just want to say that I found your posts to be thoroughly cogent and profoundly generous. Thanks.

You're welcome.

Open PM box, open mind, that's all I'm gonna say.

 

[satindesire]

I think "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a gross oversimplification.

ABSOLUTELY.

I met my current husband while I was still with my then-boyfriend. We worked together for months, totally platonic even though we were crazy for each other.

The relationship with the boyfriend was awful, I'll admit. But that's no excuse for us going behind his back, in the end. I felt terrible about it so I broke up with the boyfriend to be with my new guy as soon as we had become intimate.

Technically it was cheating.

But I KNOW I'll never do it again. Even though I didn't love the boyfriend anymore, I still felt awful.

No one deserves to be run around on, even if they're a fucking asshole.

And to be honest with you, cheaters can be trusted. I know with 100% absolute assurity that I'll never cheat on the hubs, ever. Mister and I have the kind of love that doesn't go casually into that good night. We're in it for the long haul and deliriously happy...and I won't ever let myself get into a situation where I'd even CONSIDER cheating on him. Our level of communication is way too spot on for me to be unhappy with him for long. If either of us has a problem, we talk about it right away so it doesn't fester, or cause resentment or distance. And that's where a lot of relationships turn into the path that opens you up to cheating. Once the snuggly-wugglies are gone, and the communication's out the window, you start wondering what else is out there.

We both know we can trust me.

This is to the OP:

In your situation, you have a 50-50 shot, just like the rest of us. Honestly, you're just going to have to risk it. Love like you have isn't easy to throw away over one mistake. If you think you can do it, then do it...it wouldn't be wrong of you to give him another chance.

 

[Netzach]

Netz and Keroin, I just want to say that I found your posts to be thoroughly cogent and profoundly generous. Thanks.

More than welcome. Gross oversimplification is a luxury I leave to others, always.

 

[kiss_of_sin]

thanks! You guys have all been very helpful and thoughtful ^.^ mucho appreciated.

 

[curvacious]

not certain if there's such a thing as being totally over them.
there's further circumstances with the person that cheated on me but after almost 14 years I still think about him often. The pain pops up but the times between the pain has always been increasing. so far the only thing that's worked for me is time.