Your "AHA!" moments...

[Keroin]

I was thinking recently about epiphanies. How strange they are. We can spend years banging against an idea, trying to understand something, and then, in one moment, often when we least expect it, we “get” it. This can happen physically, too, as I’m sure most athletes who’ve trained at a sport will attest.

I’ve had several epiphanies in my life but a few that led to big changes in my behavior and worldviews.

One of the most important began with seed planted by my karate instructor. I was telling him about why I was unable to attend the number of classes I needed to in order to test for my next belt level. He listened patiently for awhile then asked me, “What’s the difference between a reason and an excuse?” After thinking for a moment, I offered up a few ideas, but he didn’t tell me whether they were correct or not. Frustrated, I said, “I don’t know, what is the difference?” He refused to tell me.

This question nagged at me, as did my Sensei’s refusal to enlighten me with an answer.

Flash forward, a few years later. I get a phone call for a stunt job that will be my sixth credit and allow me to become a full union member, which means anyone could now hire me, at any time. This is the call I have been dreaming of. Unfortunately, the call arrives after I have spent the night in the emergency room for a ruptured ovarian cyst. I’m sore, I’m drugged, and I’m exhausted. But I really, really want this job. So I say yes, let the painkillers wear off, pack my stunt bag, and go to work. On the drive to the studio, feeling as if someone was stabbing my abdomen, repeatedly, with a set of knitting needles, it dawns on me how much I’m willing to sacrifice for this career. And in that moment, I discovered the answer to that question asked of me years previous, “What is the difference between a reason and an excuse?” I also realized why it’s a question that couldn’t be answered by anyone but myself.

This epiphany changed my life. I won’t say I never make excuses anymore but I make about 95% less than I used to.

So, I’d love to hear about your “aha!” moments, big or small, psychological or physical. What epiphanies have you had? How and when did they happen? What kind of impact did they make on our life?

 

[Netzach]

Mine's the inverse of yours.

It involves lying on the floor of my bathroom, with what I thought was an ovarian cyst rupture. As my fever climbed to 102 and as I just about passed out from the pain taking a crap, waiting to go to the hospital, it occurred to me that being not a pussy isn't that exciting to anyone when it kills you.

Verdict, nearly rupturing appendix and severe inflammation due to Crohn's.

Subsequent epiphanies are iterations of carpe diem and don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[Shankara20]

I also realized why it’s a question that couldn’t be answered by anyone but myself.

aaah yes, young one, you now see the power of the Kōan

So, I’d love to hear about your “aha!” moments, big or small, psychological or physical. What epiphanies have you had? How and when did they happen? What kind of impact did they make on our life?

I shall now ponder to grasp the state of mind in your question....

 

[BiBunny]

I've had three, all of which are kind of tied into to one another.

While I've lived a comparatively short time in relation to lots of folks, when I look back on my life, I can see a neat sort of progression to all the events that got me to where I am today. Others might look at it differently, of course, but if I hadn't gone through the things I did, I wouldn't be where I am right now. So epiphany number one is that everything happens for a reason.

Epiphanies two and three are just sort of corollaries, though in some ways, they seem diametrically opposed to one another. One is that if everything seems completely insurmountable, if no matter what you, it do has no effect, if you try and try and try, but to no avail, then it may be someone trying to tell you "You're going the wrong way, dumbass!"

The other one is, if you study something long enough and decide it's what you want/need, then once you completely make up your mind it's what you want, then you can do it, even if it takes way longer than you ever thought.

Yeah, they sound like platitudes, but I've seen them bear out time and again, at least in my life.

 

[MisterSir]

Irritatingly, the only epiphany I've had has been a more negative one, also the complete opposite of Bunny's first - things happen without rhyme or reason, and bad things will happen to good people so get used to it. And I did, becoming the self-serving little bastard about to be unleashed onto the working world.

 

[Keroin]

Mine's the inverse of yours.

It involves lying on the floor of my bathroom, with what I thought was an ovarian cyst rupture. As my fever climbed to 102 and as I just about passed out from the pain taking a crap, waiting to go to the hospital, it occurred to me that being not a pussy isn't that exciting to anyone when it kills you.

Verdict, nearly rupturing appendix and severe inflammation due to Crohn's.

Subsequent epiphanies are iterations of carpe diem and don't sweat the small stuff.

My guess is that epiphanies involving one's limitations are usually painful. Mine had to do with my overacheiverness and involved a lot of things collapsing on me all at once. It was a horrible yet effective lesson.

aaah yes, young one, you now see the power of the Kōan

I shall now ponder to grasp the state of mind in your question....

Ah, the sound of one hand clapping...still don't have an answer for that one. LOL. Actually, it's funny because I'm sure most people will imagine my Sensei looking much like your avatar but in reality he was a tough, black street hood from the poor part of Toronto who lucked into martial arts and used it as a way to get himself out of the ghetto. Smart guy and one of the people I credit most with making me who I am today.

As for my state of mind concerning the questions, same as always, ever-changing but ever-curious.

I've had three, all of which are kind of tied into to one another.

While I've lived a comparatively short time in relation to lots of folks, when I look back on my life, I can see a neat sort of progression to all the events that got me to where I am today. Others might look at it differently, of course, but if I hadn't gone through the things I did, I wouldn't be where I am right now. So epiphany number one is that everything happens for a reason.

Epiphanies two and three are just sort of corollaries, though in some ways, they seem diametrically opposed to one another. One is that if everything seems completely insurmountable, if no matter what you, it do has no effect, if you try and try and try, but to no avail, then it may be someone trying to tell you "You're going the wrong way, dumbass!"

The other one is, if you study something long enough and decide it's what you want/need, then once you completely make up your mind it's what you want, then you can do it, even if it takes way longer than you ever thought.

Yeah, they sound like platitudes, but I've seen them bear out time and again, at least in my life.

Irritatingly, the only epiphany I've had has been a more negative one, also the complete opposite of Bunny's first - things happen without rhyme or reason, and bad things will happen to good people so get used to it. And I did, becoming the self-serving little bastard about to be unleashed onto the working world.

I lean more towards MS's way of thinking regarding whether things happen for a reason or not but I also believe that good can come from bad, if we're open minded enough to see it. I also think that because life can be so cruelly random at times, that we need to make the most of opportunities and enjoy the good times to the fullest extent possible.

BB, the part in bold is something I feel strongly about and has much to do with the epiphany in my OP. I would add that even if you don't succeed in getting what you want/need, the effort alone can be worth it. Also not only may it take longer than you thought but also it may be much more difficult and require many more sacrifices than you ever imagined - that doesn't mean it isn't worth striving for, though.

 

[subgirl2]

Looking back I have always lived my life trying to please other people. I have watched as others were mean spirited and demanding and yet they had good people running after them making sure they were happy and feeling cared for while I stayed in the background patiently, not expecting anything, knowing that I was not worth anything and I was only second best.

My epiphany came a few months ago. It came to me in a flash or finally dawned on me.

I offered everything I had to someone and it just wasn't enough or perhaps it just wasn't good enough. So I took a good look around and decided that the only one who is going to care for me is ME!!

I took stock of the people who actually wanted me, my immediate family, 2 maybe 3 friends and the rest of the world can go fuck themselves.

I am done putting certain people first when I am only their second choice. I am putting people first who put me first. Mutual relationships only.

SG2

 

[subgirl2]

I read this signature...I can't remember who it belongs to but it is now the way I live my life.


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, yelling "Holy shit, what a ride!"

SG2

 

[Keroin]

Looking back I have always lived my life trying to please other people. I have watched as others were mean spirited and demanding and yet they had good people running after them making sure they were happy and feeling cared for while I stayed in the background patiently, not expecting anything, knowing that I was not worth anything and I was only second best.

My epiphany came a few months ago. It came to me in a flash or finally dawned on me.

I offered everything I had to someone and it just wasn't enough or perhaps it just wasn't good enough. So I took a good look around and decided that the only one who is going to care for me is ME!!

I took stock of the people who actually wanted me, my immediate family, 2 maybe 3 friends and the rest of the world can go fuck themselves.

I am done putting certain people first when I am only their second choice. I am putting people first who put me first. Mutual relationships only.

SG2

Hey SG2, sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I have been there, exactly there, more than once in my life. I know how it feels to say "Fuck the rest of the world", and I think it's probably a necessary part of the healing process but I also think giving to others for the sake of giving, is a wonderful thing. The catch is figuring out how much you want to give and to whom, then learning to set definite borders, then learning to give up expecting anything in return - not because you're not worth it but because the act of giving, to be properly enjoyed, should be totally selfless.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't an easy process and a certain amount of time being angry is good for growing a back bone and honing your bullshit detector. It may seem hard to believe now but the best way not to get hurt is not by putting up a wall and blocking yourself off but by being so open that the bad stuff just passes right through you.

 

[nh23]

I have no idea. Isn't that sad? I can't remember the majority of my childhood, and likewise big chunks of my life after that. I tried to bribe Bunny into making an aha moment up for me but she wouldn't.

 

[CutieMouse]

I have two:

I married way way way [I will duct tape the children to the wall if they do what I did] too young - 20. I was foolish and romantic and he said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me as his wife and mother of his children.

We unfortunately had a marriage full of challenges (in other words I sucked at standing up for myself, and he excelled at running with that character flaw). So after 10 -11 years and 4 kids, we hit the therapy point. We did months of work, I unexpectedly became pregnant with # 5, I grew to understand him better, he grew to understand me better... we tried an open marriage for a bit with out therapist's knowledge and advice (he had a bad habit of falling in love with other women, so I got "permission" to fall in love, myself - I ended up with Lovers; he didn't).

Anyway, we're sitting at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant on our 12th anniversary, and he starts talking about his latest crush and how he'll always feel responsible for me, but she's his soul mate [puke retch]... followed by the comment that he feels this is the best our marriage has ever been.

My response: You're right. I'm done. (and I was moved out before Labor Day)

I'd tried so hard to stay married and was so afraid of how I'd make it all alone, I'd forgotten that being whole and happy was more important than not getting divorced. Life isn't perfect, but ohhh so much better. Happy and Whole is the goal - everything else is gravy.



Epiphany # 2 came about 18 months later when I was sitting in a week long class on c13 - c16 illuminated manuscripts... just a for fun thing that I did because I thankfully had a connections who helped me be accepted into the course. Everyone else in the room is a PhD, or the head of a library, or doing research for their dissertation, or is some bigwig curator... and then there's me. I'd still been a SAHM 6 weeks before I walked into the museum archives. No college degree, no Latin, never held a book earlier than 1850, Texas bumpkin me.

They laughed at me. I wasn't serious enough, degreed enough, composed enough... I giggled and squealed, and jumped up and down when I nailed the cataloguing assignment (1460 Belgian book - darling little thing)... when I spent an hour in a room full of 500 - 800 year old books a fog bank formed from the rise in humidity.

In spite of all that, the head of one of the most prestigious museums on the east coast told me I had an eye for this; I "got it"... that was the moment at which I realized I wasn't an uneducated SAHM... I was [and am] a brilliant, creative person who is going to do amazing things with her life. I might not know how or what, and I might have to start over eleventy-million times along the way, but I will.

 

[Keroin]

I have two:

I married way way way [I will duct tape the children to the wall if they do what I did] too young - 20. I was foolish and romantic and he said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me as his wife and mother of his children.

We unfortunately had a marriage full of challenges (in other words I sucked at standing up for myself, and he excelled at running with that character flaw). So after 10 -11 years and 4 kids, we hit the therapy point. We did months of work, I unexpectedly became pregnant with # 5, I grew to understand him better, he grew to understand me better... we tried an open marriage for a bit with out therapist's knowledge and advice (he had a bad habit of falling in love with other women, so I got "permission" to fall in love, myself - I ended up with Lovers; he didn't).

Anyway, we're sitting at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant on our 12th anniversary, and he starts talking about his latest crush and how he'll always feel responsible for me, but she's his soul mate [puke retch]... followed by the comment that he feels this is the best our marriage has ever been.

My response: You're right. I'm done. (and I was moved out before Labor Day)

I'd tried so hard to stay married and was so afraid of how I'd make it all alone, I'd forgotten that being whole and happy was more important than not getting divorced. Life isn't perfect, but ohhh so much better. Happy and Whole is the goal - everything else is gravy.



Epiphany # 2 came about 18 months later when I was sitting in a week long class on c13 - c16 illuminated manuscripts... just a for fun thing that I did because I thankfully had a connections who helped me be accepted into the course. Everyone else in the room is a PhD, or the head of a library, or doing research for their dissertation, or is some bigwig curator... and then there's me. I'd still been a SAHM 6 weeks before I walked into the museum archives. No college degree, no Latin, never held a book earlier than 1850, Texas bumpkin me.

They laughed at me. I wasn't serious enough, degreed enough, composed enough... I giggled and squealed, and jumped up and down when I nailed the cataloguing assignment (1460 Belgian book - darling little thing)... when I spent an hour in a room full of 500 - 800 year old books a fog bank formed from the rise in humidity.

In spite of all that, the head of one of the most prestigious museums on the east coast told me I had an eye for this; I "got it"... that was the moment at which I realized I wasn't an uneducated SAHM... I was [and am] a brilliant, creative person who is going to do amazing things with her life. I might not know how or what, and I might have to start over eleventy-million times along the way, but I will.

I so want to high five you right now! Love the book story.

Yeah, I also married too young and it was a disaster. I only stuck around a few years but two years with an alcoholic is like twenty with a normal person. My leaving epiphany came during an al-anon meeting. Ironically, the ex was the one who had encouraged me to go to these meetings to save our marriage.

He died about four months ago, from alcoholism. Not that I need reassurance that I made the right decision or anything but...you know what I'm saying here?

 

[CutieMouse]

I so want to high five you right now! Love the book story.

Yeah, I also married too young and it was a disaster. I only stuck around a few years but two years with an alcoholic is like twenty with a normal person. My leaving epiphany came during an al-anon meeting. Ironically, the ex was the one who had encouraged me to go to these meetings to save our marriage.

He died about four months ago, from alcoholism. Not that I need reassurance that I made the right decision or anything but...you know what I'm saying here?

You couldn't have "saved" him, you know, and I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Keroin]

You couldn't have "saved" him, you know, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Thanks CM.

It's cool. His death was more shock (though not a ton of it) than sadness. He was an angry person and unleashed it on me frequently but I forgave him eons ago. It's his kids (from his 1st wife) that I felt bad for but even they knew it was only a matter of time. I still have a good relationship with them - good from bad, as I said in a post somewhere earlier.

 

[graceanne]

I've had lots of epiphanies. The first that I can think of was when I realized (early teens) I couldn't be good enough to make my mom love me like she loves my sister. I was able to stop trying so hard and start to focus on what made me happy. After all, if I couldn't make her happy then why was I trying so hard?

 

[fishercat]

I can only think of two at the moment.

1. Not too long ago I finally realized that my parents really did love me all along. They were just flawed human beings in a bad situation, and we all suffered.

2. A few years ago I figured out that the phrase isn't "bleeding like a stuffed pig," but "bleeding like a stuck pig." As I've been using that phrase to describe myself once a month for the past 35 years, it's amazing it never occurred to me to wonder why a stuffed pig would bleed. lol

 

[Keroin]

I've had lots of epiphanies. The first that I can think of was when I realized (early teens) I couldn't be good enough to make my mom love me like she loves my sister. I was able to stop trying so hard and start to focus on what made me happy. After all, if I couldn't make her happy then why was I trying so hard?

I'm willing to bet the person your mother doesn't really love is herself.

I can only think of two at the moment.

1. Not too long ago I finally realized that my parents really did love me all along. They were just flawed human beings in a bad situation, and we all suffered.

2. A few years ago I figured out that the phrase isn't "bleeding like a stuffed pig," but "bleeding like a stuck pig." As I've been using that phrase to describe myself once a month for the past 35 years, it's amazing it never occurred to me to wonder why a stuffed pig would bleed. lol

LOL about part in bold.

Yeah, it's a funny thing to realize how human our parents are. My mom used to drive me bonky and it took me a long time to figure out the problem was her unhappiness with herself, not her unhappiness with me.

 

[Homburg]

I wrote at length about one of my epiphanies in the "What do you do?" thread.

Another, and this happened when I was 19 or so, was that the secret to a long relationship was to find someone that forgives your faults, then work to forgive theirs. The second part is harder than it sounds.

 

[Keroin]

I wrote at length about one of my epiphanies in the "What do you do?" thread.

Another, and this happened when I was 19 or so, was that the secret to a long relationship was to find someone that forgives your faults, then work to forgive theirs. The second part is harder than it sounds.

Do you mind me asking how this epiphany came to you? It's a good one, for sure.

 

[Homburg]

Do you mind me asking how this epiphany came to you? It's a good one, for sure.

Largely by looking at the relationships around me that had succeeded, and examining the wreckage of those that had failed. I realised that the ones that lasted best were the ones were the people acknowledged the faults in the other party, and were okay with it. They forgave.

 

[Keroin]

Largely by looking at the relationships around me that had succeeded, and examining the wreckage of those that had failed. I realised that the ones that lasted best were the ones were the people acknowledged the faults in the other party, and were okay with it. They forgave.

Nice. True from my experience too. Though I think it also helps to decide up front which kinds of faults you're willing to tolerate and which are hard limits. Would you agree with this?

I mean if you won't clip your toenails over a garbage can or a toilet, fine, (*shudders*) I hate it but I'll deal with it, but if you make a habit of making fun of me in front of other people or giving waitresses grief because your coffee is five degrees cooler than you like it, well, no sorry, no can do. Know what I mean?

 

[Homburg]

Nice. True from my experience too. Though I think it also helps to decide up front which kinds of faults you're willing to tolerate and which are hard limits. Would you agree with this?

I mean if you won't clip your toenails over a garbage can or a toilet, fine, (*shudders*) I hate it but I'll deal with it, but if you make a habit of making fun of me in front of other people or giving waitresses grief because your coffee is five degrees cooler than you like it, well, no sorry, no can do. Know what I mean?

Of course. You have to set boundaries. The idea behind it was not to forgive everything sans oversight.

And I could never be with someone that was rude to servers. Ugh. I'm a big fan of the Waiter Test.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Of course. You have to set boundaries. The idea behind it was not to forgive everything sans oversight.

And I could never be with someone that was rude to servers. Ugh. I'm a big fan of the Waiter Test.

I don't recall ever being rude to a server... but I have asked for a manager when a server was rude to me or anyone I was dining with, or totally incompetent (e.g., serving the wrong foods to the wrong people at a table for two to six, more than once in a meal; with more than 6 at a table, mis-serving an occasional course can be forgiven if it's not consistent/continuous. I'd rather the server ask "Who gets the xx?" than mis-serve diners multiple times).

I've also long subscribed to the one penny-two penny tip system, too.

(For those who aren't familiar with it {and that's probably most, since it's an old, old custom}: decent to good food, lousy service, tip includes one penny; decent to good {or better} service, fair to poor food, tip includes two pennies; good or better food, good or better service, three pennies. The reason for two or three pennies with decent+ service is to give the server more credit {pennies} than the food. Good food grows (literally!) on trees, and decent cooks are a dime a dozen, but a better than average server is a treasure.)

("Includes x penny(ies)" means that besides the regular tip, adding that number of pennies to the tip.)

 

[Keroin]

Of course. You have to set boundaries. The idea behind it was not to forgive everything sans oversight.

And I could never be with someone that was rude to servers. Ugh. I'm a big fan of the Waiter Test.

Oh I have all kinds of tests. LOL. But seriously, I do. The waiter test is a big one. "Response to ribbing from friends" is another. And the all-important, "Yeah, but can he fish?" test.

Added: There was a stunt guy I used to work with that was an absolute bastard to wait staff - unless they were hot women and then he'd shamelessly hit on them. The joke among all of us was, "How much spit do you think CA has eaten in his restaurant meals over the years?" LOL.

 

[Keroin]

I don't recall ever being rude to a server... but I have asked for a manager when a server was rude to me or anyone I was dining with, or totally incompetent (e.g., serving the wrong foods to the wrong people at a table for two to six, more than once in a meal; with more than 6 at a table, mis-serving an occasional course can be forgiven if it's not consistent/continuous. I'd rather the server ask "Who gets the xx?" than mis-serve diners multiple times).

I've also long subscribed to the one penny-two penny tip system, too.

(For those who aren't familiar with it {and that's probably most, since it's an old, old custom}: decent to good food, lousy service, tip includes one penny; decent to good {or better} service, fair to poor food, tip includes two pennies; good or better food, good or better service, three pennies. The reason for two or three pennies with decent+ service is to give the server more credit {pennies} than the food. Good food grows (literally!) on trees, and decent cooks are a dime a dozen, but a better than average server is a treasure.)

("Includes x penny(ies)" means that besides the regular tip, adding that number of pennies to the tip.)

Interesting, I've never heard of this. I know that the big insult is just to leave a single penny as a message when you get really bad service.

I'm very generous and understanding but I've served my share of food and booze over the years and I have a pretty good idea of when someone is just being lazy and useless, and I have no trouble calling the manager and complaining - calmly and rationally.

The best waiter I ever had in my life was in Las Vegas, at Isis restaurant in the Luxor. William, I;ll never forget him. The guy was out of this world. I tipped him $50 and he deserved every penny.