Betticus
FigDaddy!
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2004
- Posts
- 12,240
Alas, it was one of the more rare occasions whereupon I chanced to visit Hollywood Video in search of a bit of theatre to broaden the mind and expound upon the heavenly essence of the actors craft.. Disappointed was I to say the least when it was that few of the proffered titles did tantalize my dramatic palate. About to turn and leave in sadness I found myself when suddenly my eyes did alight upon one single lone box, masquerading on the shelf as if it were hiding amongst the lesser movies. A movie with Steven Seagull upon its cover, standing there half in darkness with a scowl upon his worn visage. The title, Against the Dark stood out no more nor less than any of his previous offerings. It seems to always be the Gull standing the hero against some sort of cinematic foe who I assure you deserves the taste of his fist.
My hand atremble in anticipation reached out and picked up this movie, wary of the trap that could lie within I leapt back like a wild Springbok in the rut.... no, no trap door did open 'neath me to whisk me away to an untimely demise.. I was safe for the moment. So I read the back of the box and to my utter disbelief this was a vampire movie. Oh Twilight now doest thou truly have competition from the master himself. Steven Seagull will triumph yet again against a foe but this time the nefarious villains are vampires.
Set in the near future after an apocalyptic outbreak of the deadly yet for some reason unnamed vampire virus groups of men and women have banded together for safety, for comfort, for survival. One set of groups stand out, called the hunters!!! A group of sword wielding martial artists headed up by none other than the Gullman himself. I should mention that my peen was flying at 3/4 staff by the time I'd read this far and I knew that this treasure of a movie would be mine for the night. My plastic enrobed shiny little lover, you would fill up the nether regions of my dvd player and spout out such fantastic delights. I may have squealed just a bit like a small girl but that cannot be verified. Needless to say, my excitement was palpable.
To home I did race, not pausing to question why only one copy of this movie was there. It is not my mien to fathom the mismanagement of Hollywood Video, only to benefit from this grave oversight and thank the pagan diety of your choice that no one else had rented it. Alas, to home with much haste.
Barely able to contain my own water I did shakily insert the disc. The machine closed and on the screen were my utter bane. Anti piracy warnings and previews almost as long as the movie itself. Bleh, a pox upon all of you who insist that I watch this offal. May your 72 virgins in paradise all be sheep whos cursed ugliness and demeanor is surpassed only by the next.
Finally, the movie. Am I ready??? Snacks, check... Hamsters, check... Tea, check... Hankie for tearful scenes, of course. The movie begins!! *squirts down own leg* Okay.. it's a narrative with a disembodied girls voice setting the stage for this master work of theatre. Virus, plague, people die, people eat each other, mankind struggles for survival.. Ok, we're set for the killing to begin! The movie takes place in a hospital that for some reason is the most massive building on the planet. Somehow, mysteriously our heroes are on the top floor of this place and the only way out is through a red security door on the ground level but one must make it there before the generators fail.... *gasps for air*... The vampires seem to be more like zombies who are stupid hillbilly wannabees who have filed all of their teeth into ragged stumps. The group runs into another group and they team up, then they make their way to an abandoned cafeteria where they feast upon old cocoa puffs and canned beans in the manner of a Viking feasthall. The women, sadly are not ravished at this time. Making their way through the hospital looking for "drugs" (type unspecified) they are accosted from above, below, through walls and in the one bastion of safety... the bathroom stall whilst poo'ing. Their numbers slowly being whittled down by this seemingly unending supply of vamzombies they eventually meet the hero, Steven Seagull himself and his team of black leather clad, sword toting hunters who got in on the ground floor but now have to for some unexplained reason (plot hole?) they now must also go down to get out with the others who somehow mysteriously had appeared on the top floor with no recollection of the way out (massive plot hole but hey, zombies... )
Steven Seagull wields his sword and shotgun with the dexterity and stamina of a wounded hippo, afflicted by the mange, scurvy, croup, botox and bad gas. With the close ups it seems that only his stubby arms move up and down in marionette fashion about his expanded torso, his scowl going from one of bad humour to one of tasting fish guts. Sweat appears on him in abundance in one swipe of the sword only to be fresh the next. Gutsy three work key phrases drop from his lips like honeyed bits of dried camel dung. The death of companions and those he is saving seem to affect him less than a small breeze would the most steadfast of giant redwood trees. Down through many levels of hospital and also down through the swamps of bad acting and tired taglines go the heroes. Oh no, the girl got bit, the hot one... do we now see tits.. sadly no. Even though tits would temporarily suspend the horror that this movie is we see none but in a scene where ghoulish zombires are feasting upon some random girl victim.
More die, hearts are broken in hastily discarded moments of this film, tears are shed and still the windmill like whirlwind that is the Gull keeps mowing down the undead. But wait, a twist to this plot for the military is ordering an airstrike and Oh Noes, the Gullmans radio was broken in a battle with the undead and he doesn't know that at dawn the whole area will be bombed. What shall our heroes do? Will they live? Will they ever eat another stale cocoa puff?
Finally the red door is reached and through it..... *drum roll* An concrete room underground with no way out and another zombire in a closet that leaps out and very nearly bites one of the men before being flung against a wall to its demise. *sigh* Damn them for getting my hopes of a speedy rescue dashed... The hamsters are in their cage, peering through the bars and quite possibly wondering WTF. I give them seeds and they squeak in glee then run on their little wheels.
Where was I?? Oh yeah. The door that leads nowhere. So back they go and to the underground parking garage that we know all hospitals of city size have. YESSSS, there is power enough to open the door and the sun is shining through, the airplanes are on their way for the bombing run and a horde of zombires is rushing through the parking area after our heroes. They hit the door close button and run for their very lives. Zombires are all trapped in the hospital as the door grinds shut. They look disappointed.
The bombing run hits and the entire sky is smoke and fire and crumbly bits of building flying everywhere. Walls are staved in and random items flung about. Everything is killed except for The Gull, his lone surviving hunter and three of the survivors, one of which is a young girl who I believe was to pull against our hearts with her sweet innocence through the movie.
The generals pat each other, the zombire horde is destroyed and humanity is saved once again somehow by a very stout and limber as a plank of oak Steven Seagull.
The world is safe, you may all now rest easy.
My hand atremble in anticipation reached out and picked up this movie, wary of the trap that could lie within I leapt back like a wild Springbok in the rut.... no, no trap door did open 'neath me to whisk me away to an untimely demise.. I was safe for the moment. So I read the back of the box and to my utter disbelief this was a vampire movie. Oh Twilight now doest thou truly have competition from the master himself. Steven Seagull will triumph yet again against a foe but this time the nefarious villains are vampires.
Set in the near future after an apocalyptic outbreak of the deadly yet for some reason unnamed vampire virus groups of men and women have banded together for safety, for comfort, for survival. One set of groups stand out, called the hunters!!! A group of sword wielding martial artists headed up by none other than the Gullman himself. I should mention that my peen was flying at 3/4 staff by the time I'd read this far and I knew that this treasure of a movie would be mine for the night. My plastic enrobed shiny little lover, you would fill up the nether regions of my dvd player and spout out such fantastic delights. I may have squealed just a bit like a small girl but that cannot be verified. Needless to say, my excitement was palpable.
To home I did race, not pausing to question why only one copy of this movie was there. It is not my mien to fathom the mismanagement of Hollywood Video, only to benefit from this grave oversight and thank the pagan diety of your choice that no one else had rented it. Alas, to home with much haste.
Barely able to contain my own water I did shakily insert the disc. The machine closed and on the screen were my utter bane. Anti piracy warnings and previews almost as long as the movie itself. Bleh, a pox upon all of you who insist that I watch this offal. May your 72 virgins in paradise all be sheep whos cursed ugliness and demeanor is surpassed only by the next.
Finally, the movie. Am I ready??? Snacks, check... Hamsters, check... Tea, check... Hankie for tearful scenes, of course. The movie begins!! *squirts down own leg* Okay.. it's a narrative with a disembodied girls voice setting the stage for this master work of theatre. Virus, plague, people die, people eat each other, mankind struggles for survival.. Ok, we're set for the killing to begin! The movie takes place in a hospital that for some reason is the most massive building on the planet. Somehow, mysteriously our heroes are on the top floor of this place and the only way out is through a red security door on the ground level but one must make it there before the generators fail.... *gasps for air*... The vampires seem to be more like zombies who are stupid hillbilly wannabees who have filed all of their teeth into ragged stumps. The group runs into another group and they team up, then they make their way to an abandoned cafeteria where they feast upon old cocoa puffs and canned beans in the manner of a Viking feasthall. The women, sadly are not ravished at this time. Making their way through the hospital looking for "drugs" (type unspecified) they are accosted from above, below, through walls and in the one bastion of safety... the bathroom stall whilst poo'ing. Their numbers slowly being whittled down by this seemingly unending supply of vamzombies they eventually meet the hero, Steven Seagull himself and his team of black leather clad, sword toting hunters who got in on the ground floor but now have to for some unexplained reason (plot hole?) they now must also go down to get out with the others who somehow mysteriously had appeared on the top floor with no recollection of the way out (massive plot hole but hey, zombies... )
Steven Seagull wields his sword and shotgun with the dexterity and stamina of a wounded hippo, afflicted by the mange, scurvy, croup, botox and bad gas. With the close ups it seems that only his stubby arms move up and down in marionette fashion about his expanded torso, his scowl going from one of bad humour to one of tasting fish guts. Sweat appears on him in abundance in one swipe of the sword only to be fresh the next. Gutsy three work key phrases drop from his lips like honeyed bits of dried camel dung. The death of companions and those he is saving seem to affect him less than a small breeze would the most steadfast of giant redwood trees. Down through many levels of hospital and also down through the swamps of bad acting and tired taglines go the heroes. Oh no, the girl got bit, the hot one... do we now see tits.. sadly no. Even though tits would temporarily suspend the horror that this movie is we see none but in a scene where ghoulish zombires are feasting upon some random girl victim.
More die, hearts are broken in hastily discarded moments of this film, tears are shed and still the windmill like whirlwind that is the Gull keeps mowing down the undead. But wait, a twist to this plot for the military is ordering an airstrike and Oh Noes, the Gullmans radio was broken in a battle with the undead and he doesn't know that at dawn the whole area will be bombed. What shall our heroes do? Will they live? Will they ever eat another stale cocoa puff?
Finally the red door is reached and through it..... *drum roll* An concrete room underground with no way out and another zombire in a closet that leaps out and very nearly bites one of the men before being flung against a wall to its demise. *sigh* Damn them for getting my hopes of a speedy rescue dashed... The hamsters are in their cage, peering through the bars and quite possibly wondering WTF. I give them seeds and they squeak in glee then run on their little wheels.
Where was I?? Oh yeah. The door that leads nowhere. So back they go and to the underground parking garage that we know all hospitals of city size have. YESSSS, there is power enough to open the door and the sun is shining through, the airplanes are on their way for the bombing run and a horde of zombires is rushing through the parking area after our heroes. They hit the door close button and run for their very lives. Zombires are all trapped in the hospital as the door grinds shut. They look disappointed.
The bombing run hits and the entire sky is smoke and fire and crumbly bits of building flying everywhere. Walls are staved in and random items flung about. Everything is killed except for The Gull, his lone surviving hunter and three of the survivors, one of which is a young girl who I believe was to pull against our hearts with her sweet innocence through the movie.
The generals pat each other, the zombire horde is destroyed and humanity is saved once again somehow by a very stout and limber as a plank of oak Steven Seagull.
The world is safe, you may all now rest easy.
