Boys and girls,
I am having a hell of a time with two very simple items: tense and person.
Here’s two quick examples. I have the first one in first person and present tense. The second one in third person and past tense.
Am I right? Wrong? Or just stuck in stupid! Which is easier to do for someone that’s not used to writing fiction.
Any input would be much appreciated.
(1)
Ka-zing! Another frozen fish patty flew by my head, her aim finding its mark. Knowing this is going to get ugly, I reach down under my sock and pull out an axe. I advance toward Jill, pushing her back into the kitchen. Then to my horror, I realize my mistake. I forgot Jill keeps a 60mm cannon in the stove, just for such emergencies.
Suddenly, she reaches over and pops open the oven door. I stare into the cannon. The barrel seems so close I can count the cannon’s rifling grooves. We both stop. Each one of us waiting for the other to make a move. Jill yells out, “I told you I was not in the mood for sex tonight!” Her hands pulling the slack out of the cannon’s trigger rope.
(2)
The early morning sun beams started to warm up the hood of the old beat up Buick Linda had been sleeping on. A night of beer drinking and cow tipping had kicked her ass. She staggered up onto her feet. The car’s springs let out a welcome sigh of relief as they relaxed from the load they bore. Her eyes were trying to adjust to the light of the new day when saw Frank trying to milk a goat.
“Frank! You dumb ass, that’s a boy goat. You can’t get any milk from him.”
Franked looked down at the goat. “Well… That explains why he only had one teat and that smile on his face,” Frank muttered to himself out of Linda’s earshot. He gave the goat a kick on the ass and sent he running over to patch of grass.
Frank turned back toward Linda. She was walking toward him, casting a huge shadow in the early Utah morning. “Damn honey you’re looking good. Better than a keg of beer in a trash can full of ice.” he said as he sent a stream of tobacco juice squirting from his toothless mouth.
Linda stopped in her tracks. She reached behind her sweat incrusted T-shit and un-claps her bra. Her tits fell out making a thunderous thud as they hit the ground.
“Damn it honey. You know those turn me on. They remind me of road maps from my trucker days with all those blue veins flowing though them.”
I am having a hell of a time with two very simple items: tense and person.
Here’s two quick examples. I have the first one in first person and present tense. The second one in third person and past tense.
Am I right? Wrong? Or just stuck in stupid! Which is easier to do for someone that’s not used to writing fiction.
Any input would be much appreciated.
(1)
Ka-zing! Another frozen fish patty flew by my head, her aim finding its mark. Knowing this is going to get ugly, I reach down under my sock and pull out an axe. I advance toward Jill, pushing her back into the kitchen. Then to my horror, I realize my mistake. I forgot Jill keeps a 60mm cannon in the stove, just for such emergencies.
Suddenly, she reaches over and pops open the oven door. I stare into the cannon. The barrel seems so close I can count the cannon’s rifling grooves. We both stop. Each one of us waiting for the other to make a move. Jill yells out, “I told you I was not in the mood for sex tonight!” Her hands pulling the slack out of the cannon’s trigger rope.
(2)
The early morning sun beams started to warm up the hood of the old beat up Buick Linda had been sleeping on. A night of beer drinking and cow tipping had kicked her ass. She staggered up onto her feet. The car’s springs let out a welcome sigh of relief as they relaxed from the load they bore. Her eyes were trying to adjust to the light of the new day when saw Frank trying to milk a goat.
“Frank! You dumb ass, that’s a boy goat. You can’t get any milk from him.”
Franked looked down at the goat. “Well… That explains why he only had one teat and that smile on his face,” Frank muttered to himself out of Linda’s earshot. He gave the goat a kick on the ass and sent he running over to patch of grass.
Frank turned back toward Linda. She was walking toward him, casting a huge shadow in the early Utah morning. “Damn honey you’re looking good. Better than a keg of beer in a trash can full of ice.” he said as he sent a stream of tobacco juice squirting from his toothless mouth.
Linda stopped in her tracks. She reached behind her sweat incrusted T-shit and un-claps her bra. Her tits fell out making a thunderous thud as they hit the ground.
“Damn it honey. You know those turn me on. They remind me of road maps from my trucker days with all those blue veins flowing though them.”
